Jambalaya Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I'm back. And I'm here again for the same reasons as before, which is immensely depressing. My boyfriend screwed up again and I'm so angry I can't think clearly. Promises to make things better, asking me to be patient, telling me he loves me, apologies - none of it lasting for more than a couple of months. It's the same problem again and again. He's incapable of taking into account my wishes to spend bank holidays together. I know this doesn't sound like much, but we're approaching our four year anniversary and this weekend (I know I know) I had been promised was ours, since the last time (over Xmas, got cancelled - we spent out first Xmas Day together, but he had to leave on Boxing Day due to family). We met on Thursday for a date evening, where he tells me he's going to America to see his sister and the new baby and his parents. When? On Saturday. You mean THIS Saturday? The Saturday of the long weekend I was promised we would be together? We had a huge row and I couldn't stop being upset. The worst bit? I has slipped back into my old co-dependent BS and made alternative back up plans a week before because I knew he'd mess up. I hate myself for that. It's always the same, work, stress, family - everything else takes precedence. I know he loves me, I know he's not cheating, but I've gone over my journals, my posts here and nothing ever bloody changes. I'm turning into a shrew and I'm sick of saying the same thing, having the same responses and never any change. I've written a long rant dumping him and getting all my rage out, but I haven't sent it, no matter how strong the urge is, because after 4 years, dumping someone by email isn't quite the thing to do. Also - once I send it, that's it. I can't keep forgiving and then being upset again and again over the same thing. I'm furious that he kept telling me not to be upset, then said something which I'm still astounded by "if you know I'm going to let you down, then you shouldn't be upset" Everything else is fine. Sex, affection, going out - just this one thing and I know it sounds stupid, but I want a long weekend with my boyfriend, I want to know that there are plans that for once I haven't made, I want himm to do what he says he's going to do, but never does. He says he wants to take me away for my birthday, that on his return we'll have a lovely weekend together and all that is lovely, but I can't trust it to happen. 4 years and I can't trust him. Now I either find a way of accepting his shortcomings and being happy with it, or I end it, in spite of all the good stuff. So for the meantime, when I feel the surge of rage about this weekend (it's Monday FFS and I've been angry since Thursday night - it's exhausting) I'm just writing it out on the end of the long rant and talk myself out of sending it to him. I don't know how to move forward :-(
Philosoraptor Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 You are clearly unhappy, and that's more than enough reason to end a relationship where you have been unhappy with these actions for a long time. You have different wants from a relationship and you can obviously see that. So accept it and part ways so you both can find a more compatible match. 2
Author Jambalaya Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 It's one thing. One stupid thing. Why can't I just deal with it? Why can't he? One bloody thing :-(
immitable Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 I think you guys lack some honest communication. It also has to do with you setting boundaries, he set his. Have you honestly tried telling him all that you wrote in your post, how hurt you are?
Author Jambalaya Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Every year, for four years :-( clearly succinctly to his face. I know this sounds stupid , but I thought we were going to crack it this year.
lizardking8610 Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Ok my 0.02 because I am not going to lie, I feel like I share a couple of your SO's traits. It's been 4 years, either accept the guy for who he is, or, leave him! At the end of the day this guy has been nothing but consistent with his actions. Work, family, stress etc. take precedence, he has difficulty keeping plans and often breaks them. None of this is new to you. At the end of the day you want this guy to be something he's not and probably is incapable of being; punctual, thoughtful, emotionally available, perhaps even doting. You want him to CHANGE right? Have you ever asked yourself this Does he WANT to change? Besides saying he will change, which is irrelevant really, do you think, objectively, that deep down inside he wants to change? The reason what he says is irrelevant is because his actions speak louder than his words and I am almost positive that he only promises to change when you do one or more of the following: Threaten to break up with him, get angry or passive aggressive with him when he "lets you down", ask him to change, complain about how he never changes....etc, You either love him for who he is on the inside, you know, his core individuality. Or you want to change him because you like most aspects of his personality and being but there are just a few things you want to change. How often does he ask you to change? Are you perfect? If we can accept the faults within ourselves why not the faults of our Significant other? Communicate with each other honestly and that would probably be a step in the right direction. Is the way he acts cause for breaking up with him? If so tell him this and follow through on your words with action. If he honestly wanted to change he would. Dont make someone change to be with you, its a recipe for disaster.... I have a funny quote I read...its not necessarily true but here it is.... "love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it is probably sh*t" hope this helps 1
Author Jambalaya Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Normally everything is great, until this happens. Again and again with painful regularity. We communicate very clearly. He says he'll do differently, he doesn't want me upset, he doesn't do things to hurt me, next time it'll be better but he never does, so he either doesn't want to, can't be bothered to, or is doing it on purpose. None of which is conducive to a happy state of mind. We argue about it, he promises to change and says that he understands, I forgive him, we go back to having a great time, then it happens again. I feel like an idiot. And I hate myself for saying it, but I do love him. Immensely. I just don't like being made to feel the same way over the same things, every time. Its not like my life revolves around him, I have friends, an active social life, plenty of interests, but I do actually want a future with him where I'm not made to feel like an idiot for wanting to spend a long weekend with my boyfriend - something every other couple in the universe manages to do. The stupid thing is, I know that if i don't break up with him, I'll just forgive him, learn to trust him again, we'll go back to having fun and it'll happen again. I'm sick of the cycle and I can't see any other options.
lizardking8610 Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 I'm sorry but you're the problem He doesn't want to change its painfully obvious. If you love him so much accept him for who he is.
Author Jambalaya Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Wanting to spend a long weekend with my boyfriend of four years, being promised it, being let down and then being upset about it, is a bad thing? Great.
lizardking8610 Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 yea it is....here's why this isn't the first time, far from it in fact, you build expectations of things you know will disappoint. You are setting yourself up for failure repeatedly. You keep expecting your SO to do what he has never done before and are surprised when he doesn't do it!?!?! Insanity: "doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result" pretty much matches your thought process. Maybe you are unaware of this self sabotaging that you engage in but if I have the facts straight the cycle of the relationship goes like this ->make plans->your expectation that he will fail->he breaks plans->expectation becomes reality->you get upset, want him to change->he says "ill change"->make plans->your expectation that he will fail-> x infinity correct me if I have misinterpreted
Author Jambalaya Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Am I unreasonable in wanting what I want?
Author Jambalaya Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 nevermind that - is breaking up the only option that ends the endless cycle of repetition?
Author Jambalaya Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 *sigh* then it's probably best I suppress my rage until he gets back
Leigh 87 Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 You need to dump his @ss, and let him come back to YOU and make an effort to truly change himself, if he wants u badly enough. You will never be that happy, the way things are going; the other poster was spot on..... End it, or get him to change. It is either the way he is, or your not the girl for him, and he would be differnt for another girl. I am hoping it is just he way he is - they it is therefore, something he CAN change, if he WANTS you badly enough. I WOULD NOT put up with a guy who would not even spend a long weeend with me!! That is CRAZYess. And after 4 YEARS?!!! A boyfriend of far LESS than 4 years, should by that stage, WANT to spend his spare time with mostly YOU; sure, he should have his own hobbies and friends, but fr the most part, YOU are the person he is supposed to want to spend the MOST of his spare time with; because, being truly in LOVE, means u find a person u want to be with more than anyone else.
Author Jambalaya Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Hobbies and friends I've never had a problem with - I'm more than happy for him to have those things, I've never interfered, or criticised - in fact, I wish he had more friends. I don't interfere with his money, his life, his job - any of that. I'm a pretty easy going woman in all other areas.
Author Jambalaya Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 Apparently he's flying back today. I haven't spoken to him or contacted him in any way. I went back over our old emails when we fought and made up and it's exhausting. I don't want to break up I really don't but I can't see where else this can go. The thought of dumping him is breaking my heart, no matter how angry I am.
Author Jambalaya Posted April 13, 2012 Author Posted April 13, 2012 I did it. I broke up with him. So far I'm experiencing emotional blackmail, gaslighting, being told I'm talking bolox and rewriting history with a complete lack of awareness on his part of what he's done and how he's made me feel, despite my having told him numerous times over the years. It's killing me.
budley12 Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 If you truly love him and want to stay with him but want change i suggest taking a break. During this time you both should stay nc. After sometime of nc then you can both make a clear judgement if whether you want to try and save your relationship. I wish my ex would have done this when he wasn't happy rather than just ending things
hellodearest Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) Keep us updated on how you feel. It's good to know the dumpers perspective from us dumpees. I know you're upset and think this issue is big since you're just asking him to compromise a little bit for something you want so much - and you've sent him the message that you're upset about it way too many times I'm sure, but - is this something you're sure you want to stay broken up over? You've recognized it's one small thing, but stop for a second and consider if you're willing to lose him altogether forever, as opposed to compromising. If everything else is going well in your relationship, I find that this small detail might just be something you'll have to live with. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I hate seeing a good relationship fail because of failure to compromise as opposed to deep compatibility issues. Just playing devil's advocate. I wish someone would do the same with my ex and explain that there shouldn't be a huge hollywood spark after spending every night together for the last year and a half. Edited April 13, 2012 by hellodearest
Author Jambalaya Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 I've compromised all along. I've made the suugestions as to how to improve things, I've done NC, I've done breaks - I'm done. I do truly love him, but I'm constantly made to feel like I'm not listened to. Or rather I'm listened to and then ignored. I don't know what other options I have apart from to get over this and move on. If not with someone who can meet my 'petty' needs, then with myself. Today I got a 'happy anniversary text'. Followed by pictures of his trip away, followed by an invite to Switzerland. Pretty much everything I've said has been ignored.
Author Jambalaya Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 What a wonderfully healthy way of dealing with how I feel. Shut up smile, take the bribe and pretend I haven't had my wishes ignored for 4 years. No thank you. Is there a sarcasm emoticon?
Leigh 87 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I am very sorry to hear about your pain. It must be heartbreaking. Sometimes, love is not enough to make a relationship work. You say you NEED him to spend time with you on holidays. Just how bad is it? Maybe he likes his own time to himself? It could be who he is - he is not that way because he does not love u enough - it may be because that is just the way he is. Can u accept him if that is who he truly is? At least u know it is not YOU; that, no matter WHO the women was, he would be the same?
Author Jambalaya Posted April 14, 2012 Author Posted April 14, 2012 I don't live with him, he lives a couple of hours away, I see him once maybe twice a week. If it is who he truly is, then why not just say it, instead of making plans than never materialise? Came by today, when I was asleep and dropped some wine and flowers through the door. After 3 years living here, apparently he never noticed I had a doorbell. He's asked again if I want to go to Switzerland with him. If I go, I'm a mug.
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