I should be happy but I'm not

[SerenityNow930]

This is my first post to loveshack in about six years. Loveshack helped me get through my last breakup and I’m hoping it will help me get through this break up. I am a 29 year old man with a pretty good job, lots of friends, and a supporting family. On the surface everything looks fine. Deep down inside I’m a very hurt and broken individual. I deal with horrible self esteem problems, relationship issues, depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive thinking. I’ve tried going to see therapists and social workers but I never get past two or three visits. It’s been the story of my life to start things and never see them through to the end. All of these problems have come to a head recently with the ending of my relationship.

 

I was with my ex-girlfriend for about two and a half years. It was a pretty terrible relationship. She was very emotionally and verbally abusive to me at times. Her way of dealing with any kind of issue in our relationship was to tell me that she wanted to break up and to insult me and say nasty, mean, hurtful, spiteful things. Any time there was any kind of conflict it was always my fault. Foolishly I sat there for two years and took all of the abuse. She would refuse to see me and my way of dealing with that was to write her letters, call her incessantly, and show up at her house to try to talk to her. Sometimes it worked and she would see me. Most often she would make me wait outside of her house for hours. Why I put myself through this kind of thing I have no idea.

 

She would typically refuse to talk to me, or see me. When she did see me she would act as if there was no problems and would get upset at me when I tried to talk to her about our relationship. Because of this I would bottle a lot of my feelings up and it made me resent her and it made the “relationship” even worse. Every time she would get angry with me she would tell me she was single but yet she would get angry with me if I talked to other women. The minute we got into any kind of fight she would run to the internet and join a dating site, update her profile and tell me all about it. In fact a couple of times she sent me pictures of guys she was planning to go out with.

 

This woman was emotionally unavailable to me. She never opened up to me and never gave me the emotional support that I needed. When I got a new job last June she didn’t even congratulate me. Instead she turned it around and said I was only excited because I’d have the possibility of meeting new women at the office. This was her typical reaction to anything I told her.

 

About two months ago she broke up with me for about the hundredth time and I was finally like ok time for me to move on. She sent me a text telling me she hoped I crashed my car coming home that day and that she already had plenty of men lined up and I wasn’t a big deal. I did NC for a few weeks but deep down inside I was hoping we would get back together. Sick. I know. We had been talking here and there for the past few weeks and it seemed like maybe there was a chance we’d see each other. I found out this weekend she has a new boyfriend.

 

I’ve isolated myself from my family and friends because I was embarrassed of the way that she treated me so I didn’t tell any of them about it. I was afraid people would think negatively of me for dealing with it but for some reason I can’t help it. My obsessive thoughts take over and she’s all I can think about. I lost my mind over it this weekend. I know deep down we weren’t good for each other but I still love her and knowing she’s with another guy hurts me so much. I’ve been showing up at her house lately and that hasn’t been helping the situation at all.

 

I know that I need to go NC and keep busy and find friends and do activities. I know I need to leave her alone and stay away from her because I’ve already crossed the line. I need to fix myself so that I will be able to be in a normal relationship in the future but it hurts. I don’t even want to get back together with my ex girlfriend but I can’t get her out of my head. Thinking about her and our relationship consumes my life. I can’t sleep at night and I never feel any kind of peace anymore. All I do is stress, feel anxiety, check my phone and stress even more.

 

I went over my parents last night and broke down and told them the truth about the relationship and they are supportive but I’m still heart broken. I don’t even know why. I should be happy that I don’t have to deal with her anymore but I did love her and when things were good they were really good. I miss her a lot and I feel so lonely and helpless right now. I really resent her and I can't seem to let go of that but I also love her at the same time.

 

I’ve called to try to find a new therapist today. I’m just so numb all the time. Hopefully posting this and reading it a few times will knock some sense into me. I just don’t know anymore LS

[Philosoraptor]

Being in an emotionally abusive relationship is very tough. But it seems like you are taking the right steps after everything these last two months. Rely on your support system. These are your friends and family, so allow them to help you heal.