Why do guys get put into the friendzone?

[Ross MwcFan]

Surely when a guy get's put into the friendzone, it's not because he acted too much like a friend, didn't flirt enough, didn't make a move early on, etc. Surely it would've just happened anyway? Surely it means that the girl just isn't attracted to you/lost attraction for you, and isn't anything to do with what you have done or haven't done when being around her?

[zengirl]

Guys put themselves into the "friend zone" by being (fake) friends with a woman they fear would reject them outright if they suggested a date. Generally, yes, it's true the woman would reject them for a date but she may want them for a friend or orbiter (the 2 are not the same - what you most commonly see in these situations are orbiters, but not always).

 

fwiw Girls do this too, but what they more commonly do is put themselves in a FWB situation where they want more. The two are analogous really, and they work about equally well -- which is almost never. 'Using' friendship or sex to "catch" a relationship (or friendship to catch sex or sex to catch actual friendship) doesn't work the vast majority of the time and is an extremely stupid move.

 

Now, there are situations where people truly ARE friends, and then one falls for the other, but that's not really the "friendzone" and those are actually, IMO, more likely to work out, because they more often tend to be mutual than the other kind. I've seen some men fool themselves (on this board in particular) into thinking this is what they do when instead they do the former. Usually this one only happens if one of the people were coupled up or truly unavailable when the friendship was formed, allowing it to be a sincere friendship.

[Ross MwcFan]

Guys put themselves into the "friend zone" by being (fake) friends with a woman they fear would reject them outright if they suggested a date. Generally, yes, it's true the woman would reject them for a date but she may want them for a friend or orbiter (the 2 are not the same - what you most commonly see in these situations are orbiters, but not always).

 

fwiw Girls do this too, but what they more commonly do is put themselves in a FWB situation where they want more. The two are analogous really, and they work about equally well -- which is almost never. 'Using' friendship or sex to "catch" a relationship (or friendship to catch sex or sex to catch actual friendship) doesn't work the vast majority of the time and is an extremely stupid move.

 

Now, there are situations where people truly ARE friends, and then one falls for the other, but that's not really the "friendzone" and those are actually, IMO, more likely to work out, because they more often tend to be mutual than the other kind. I've seen some men fool themselves (on this board in particular) into thinking this is what they do when instead they do the former. Usually this one only happens if one of the people were coupled up or truly unavailable when the friendship was formed, allowing it to be a sincere friendship.

 

 

I have heard a lot, that most relationships start off as friendships.

[zengirl]

I have heard a lot, that most relationships start off as friendships.

 

Some do, but "most" is not my observation or experience. Perhaps most relationships in HS or whatnot, but not in adult life.

 

ETA: By this, I mean that most relationships do not start out from sincere friendships OR the friendzone type situations. Many people who "take it slow" may start as friends-first, but that's a whole 3rd scenario IME. It's asserted in that scenario that dating may be in the future, if the two get along, not hidden as in the FZ situation or never thought about as in the true friends situation. Many of those turn into true friends, some people don't listen to the rejection and probably FZ themselves, and some probably become FWB or other confusing situations. But many do become relationships.

 

However, I do not think many people routinely "date" their friends. When they do, however, those relationships often last because they are often well thought before hand.

Edited April 9, 2012 by zengirl

[wwwjd]

NONE of my relationships EVER started out anything more than friends first. Actually NONE of them have. I won't let them. Oh, I was phsyically attracted to them for the inital 7 seconds, and them to me or it wouldn't have started at all... but on the 8th second? It's all about friendship.

 

I start up as a friend knowing full well when they get to know me they will be attracted. And it has worked everytime.

 

I hear this friendzone stuff here and it boggles me. People REALLY think sex attraction makes a great relationship? I read, "I really like her and THEN I got put in the FZ" So, the flash fire lusty attraction that YOU feel didn't work out? wow, that's bewildering (sarcasm!)

 

Guess I am from a different planet or something.

[zengirl]

Some do, but "most" is not my observation or experience. Perhaps most relationships in HS or whatnot, but not in adult life.

 

ETA: By this, I mean that most relationships do not start out from sincere friendships OR the friendzone type situations. Many people who "take it slow" may start as friends-first, but that's a whole 3rd scenario IME. It's asserted in that scenario that dating may be in the future, if the two get along, not hidden as in the FZ situation or never thought about as in the true friends situation. Many of those turn into true friends, some people don't listen to the rejection and probably FZ themselves, and some probably become FWB or other confusing situations. But many do become relationships.

 

However, I do not think many people routinely "date" their friends. When they do, however, those relationships often last because they are often well thought before hand.

 

I meant to add:

 

Still further, there is a 4th scenario where many people date in their social circle---I think THAT accounts for many relationships, but not between people who are already friends. More acquaintances.

[Andy_K]

Surely it would've just happened anyway? Surely it means that the girl just isn't attracted to you/lost attraction for you, and isn't anything to do with what you have done or haven't done when being around her?

 

Not necessarily. A girl who has had sex with you will often see you in a completely different light to one who hasn't. It is about 100 times easier to get a girl to sleep with you if it's already happened before, even if it was a fling.

 

'Friend Zone' is simply the light you are viewed in - a romantic one or not. The reason it is seen as the nail in the coffin to romantic intentions is largely due to the phenomenon of expected behaviour. Once you view someone in a certain light and expect them to behave a certain way, everything you see is coloured through that lens.

 

e.g A friend making a funny joke doesn't amp up your attraction the same way that a date making a funny joke does.

 

For another example, when you see someone as a date you're more open to flirting with them, and more likely to subconsciously make the sort of comments that can easily be turned around into flirty jokes. If you saw the exact same person as a friend you'd most likely make it much harder for them to flirt with you.

 

Once you are pegged into a box, it is hard to change how someone sees you. The friendzone is just an example of this happening in the dating world

[sid3]

 

I recomend going to department stores and groping the manequins till you're more comfortable in your abilities.

 

Finally....someone who gets it! Excellent advice:laugh: Be sure to practice your one handed bra removal technique, if nobody is looking, hone your teasing skills by running your finger around the outline of her panties.

[EasyHeart]

Zengirl is pissing me off today.

 

In every thread I go into, she says the same thing I was going to say, only she says it first. (And better, but I'll never admit to that.)

 

Grrrr!!!

[Ross MwcFan]

Not necessarily. A girl who has had sex with you will often see you in a completely different light to one who hasn't. It is about 100 times easier to get a girl to sleep with you if it's already happened before, even if it was a fling.

 

'Friend Zone' is simply the light you are viewed in - a romantic one or not. The reason it is seen as the nail in the coffin to romantic intentions is largely due to the phenomenon of expected behaviour. Once you view someone in a certain light and expect them to behave a certain way, everything you see is coloured through that lens.

 

e.g A friend making a funny joke doesn't amp up your attraction the same way that a date making a funny joke does.

 

For another example, when you see someone as a date you're more open to flirting with them, and more likely to subconsciously make the sort of comments that can easily be turned around into flirty jokes. If you saw the exact same person as a friend you'd most likely make it much harder for them to flirt with you.

 

Once you are pegged into a box, it is hard to change how someone sees you. The friendzone is just an example of this happening in the dating world

 

Yeah, what you're saying does make sense. Also, I totally forgot about how having sex with a girl can make her see you in a totally different light (like becoming more attracted to you or developing feelings for you).

[zengirl]

Zengirl is pissing me off today.

 

In every thread I go into, she says the same thing I was going to say, only she says it first. (And better, but I'll never admit to that.)

 

Grrrr!!!

 

Sorry. I'm about to go to a fundraiser planning meeting, so you'll have a zengirl-free LS for a few hours. Hit the threads and beat me to it.

[xxoo]

Oh, I was phsyically attracted to them for the inital 7 seconds, and them to me or it wouldn't have started at all... but on the 8th second?

 

And if you weren't attracted in the first 7 seconds?

 

Taking it slow, and being "friends first", works when there is acknowledged mutual attraction, and the two people agree to take it slow.

 

It doesn't work as well when the attraction is one-sided, and unacknowledged.

[NeverDated]

Guys put themselves into the "friend zone" by being (fake) friends with a woman they fear would reject them outright if they suggested a date. Generally, yes, it's true the woman would reject them for a date but she may want them for a friend or orbiter (the 2 are not the same - what you most commonly see in these situations are orbiters, but not always).

This.

 

Guys who end up in the "friendzone" aren't being put there. They either make an inappropriately timed or entirely unwanted move that the woman ignores or they try to win her over "slowly" and never make any meaningful move toward a relationship.

 

Let me give you an example...when I was still with my XH, one of his friends had a thing for me. Whenever he got wind of marital problems (XH and I were on the rocks consistently for about 4 years), he made a move. I probably never would have considered a relationship with him to begin with, marriage aside, but frankly he'll never know if he had a shot once things panned out as they did (the separation). He made such a fool of himself I had to put up very strict boundaries with him and initiate distance.

 

Sometimes, though, what men see as "friendzoning" is actually just a woman-child trying to enforce her feminine powers. Another example: my boyfriend had a "good friend" who for quite a while showed interest in him. He took the initiative and asked her on a date after he broke up with his most recent ex. She turned him down and told him he "misunderstood" - friendzoning? Not at all. He didn't misunderstand in the slightest, she just wanted to keep him on the hook as a power trip. He knows this now because whenever we see her, she exhibits all the signs of jealousy.

 

So it's totally possible (and very plausible) that what men see as "friendzoning" is just a total redirection/misinterpretation of the situation. Either you did something that made her put up boundaries or she's just trying to mess with your head/exert power. In either instance, one of the parties is acting like an overgrown adolescent.

[Ross MwcFan]

Exactly!! Thank you sid3

 

 

 

Hmmm EasyHeart.... hmmm I'll have to pick apart her advice now. Wasn't going too. but now its escential.

 

 

 

Oh zengirl know your audience. I've been saying stuff like this accept more accurate for years now. Ross is one of our LS members who can actualy be quoted as saying something along the lines of... "Lucky I wish I could be in the friendzone."

 

To him "the friendzone" is a form of acceptance.

 

 

 

Now you've gone off the deepend. I've just explained that you're speaking to a man who would love to be in the friendzone with some beauty. Now you're just giving completely false advice that "friendship or sex" don't "catch" a relationship. Bottom line a relationship is based on attraction. It is unattractive to be a fake person. If you are real and confident friendship and sex will work wonders. If you use them in fake ways they'll do nothing good for you.

 

 

 

 

It depends on your difinition of friend.

 

I've never said that I wish I could be put in the friendzone. I'm not desperate for female friends as a form of acceptance either. What the **** are you talking about? Been on the weed or something? Not sure where you get this stuff from.

 

Don't even bother with trying to make me your somedude.

Edited April 9, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote and response

[wwwjd]

And if you weren't attracted in the first 7 seconds?

 

Sorry, I am an alphamale and am unfamiliar another process.

 

Wait! Actually, my ten year relationship STARTED as NOTHING BUT Friends. I was not initially attracted, other than acknoledging she was female. Over a year as the basic friendship grew (we worked together) she became MORE attractive physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally, spiritaully.

 

Still, I guess I don't beleive in this "Friendzone" stuff, since they can never be real friends. Like in this video, men are honest, and women dilude their reality:

[oaks]

There's no such thing as being "put into the friendzone". There are, however, women I want to date who do not want to date me, but all this talk about "the friendzone" is just claptrap.

[betterdeal]

There's no serious coercion possible to "put" a man in the "friend zone". That is to say, some woman may want you to be a friend, but if you want to be more than that, you don't have to fulfil her wishes. You can displease her.

 

In fact, you are more likely to get to bump uglies if you do what you want to do, not (what you think) she wants you to do. Why? Well, on one level it shows sincerity, which is attractive. On another, you will feel good about yourself and in yourself for pulling your face away from the cheese grater, which is attractive. And finally, you won't be being a desperate, needy clinger-on, which is a waste of your time and energy.

 

You can be friends with women you've had a fancy for, but think of the friends you don't fancy and how you act with them and think and feel about them. Some you won't have been in touch with for months, years even, but you're still pals. If you can let go of that overly developed interest in this other one person, you can be on the same friendly terms with her as you are them. Don't narrow your options down to one person too soon, and that takes a helluver lot of pressure off you and her, which creates the space in which she - or someone else - can open up to you and you them.

[NeverDated]

Still, I guess I don't beleive in this "Friendzone" stuff, since they can never be real friends. Like in this video, men are honest, and women dilude their reality:

Love that video. One of my best male "friends" once admitted, "Men will only be friends with women they'd like to f***."

 

This is one of the [many] reasons women get so jealous over their significant other's female friends. We may delude ourselves into believing in "just friends" and "purely plutonic" relationships, but we know darn well, given an honest chance, our men view their female friends as potential FWB or more. The only way mutual "just friends" will work, IMO, is when both parties understand that there is an attraction, but the relationship will just never ever work in this universe.

[xxoo]

Love that video. One of my best male "friends" once admitted, "Men will only be friends with women they'd like to f***."

 

This is one of the [many] reasons women get so jealous over their significant other's female friends. We may delude ourselves into believing in "just friends" and "purely plutonic" relationships, but we know darn well, given an honest chance, our men view their female friends as potential FWB or more. The only way mutual "just friends" will work, IMO, is when both parties understand that there is an attraction, but the relationship will just never ever work in this universe.

 

To the bolded--ridiculous. As if grown men have no use for women in their life that they don't find sexually attractive.

 

Of course, a man (or woman) may be sexually attracted to a friend. Big deal. That doesn't make them any less friends. This may be more common when both are already in a primary romantic relationship, and require a more mature idea of "friendship" (not someone you go clubbing with, but someone you share holidays with, lean on when you need help, support through tough times, celebrate births and weddings, etc).

[GoodOnPaper]

Over a year as the basic friendship grew (we worked together) she became MORE attractive physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally, spiritaully.

 

You and I seem to be the only guys on LS who are wired this way -- unfortunately, I could never pull this approach off when I was single. Women always had bfs, fiances, husbands -- when I actually managed to meet someone who was single, the open time window was always very short. Over this year that you and your partner were just friends, did she have a bf or casually dating or was she single the whole time?

[betterdeal]

There's me thinking what goes on in our heads - men and women - is our own business, kind of like free will and all that, and yet the eternal question of can men and women be friends seems to be built on the assumption that finding someone sexy or attractive at any time intrinsically excludes any fondness or affection or liking one might have for them.

[William]

Members, please remember the topic is 'why do guys get put into the friendzone'. It isn't about any particular poster's proclivity for such an action, or adjectives describing their psychology. Reasons, in general, why guys end up in what 'the friendzone' describes. Thanks!

[somedude81]

IMO, the primary reason men get put into the friendzone is that women seem to have a very set mentality in guys. Once she decides that a guy will be a friend, that will never change, acts of God notwithstanding. And that decision can be made very quickly. While a guy can fall for a girl and feelings will develop out of nowhere.

You and I seem to be the only guys on LS who are wired this way

The same thing happened to me with several girls.

 

The more time I spent with her and the better I got to know her, the deeper my feelings grew.

 

But their feelings never changed.

 

 

Another reason is that some girls don't have any issue being friends with guys who want them, while she has no interest. It would be better off for both of them if she refused to spend time with the guy.

 

-- unfortunately, I could never pull this approach off when I was single. Women always had bfs, fiances, husbands -- when I actually managed to meet someone who was single, the open time window was always very short. Over this year that you and your partner were just friends, did she have a bf or casually dating or was she single the whole time?

This part is basically what my thread is about.

[phineas]

I have heard a lot, that most relationships start off as friendships.

 

If you have feelings for her & she doesn't for you then you will go from friend to friendzone very quickly.

 

If you just want to bang her but have other options for sex & don't have feelings for her then she will add you to the que.

 

Also, if while in her que you get a GF, there is a very good chance she will wind up waiting for you to break up so she can have you.

 

I've seen it happen many times to my friends & it's happened to me.

[verhrzn]

I friend zone a guy for two reasons. Either:

 

1) I am not interested in dating him for "relationship" reasons: he's chronically unemployed, our personalities would clash, etc.

 

2) He doesn't show any interest in dating me.

 

This occurs within 3-5 good conversations of meeting a guy. (A "good" conversation is one in which you discuss more than either the weather or your immediate surroundings.)

 

surely you sir do not believe in such a zone as the friendzone. What if girls who had a lot of just sex relationships came on here talking about the "sexzone" we'd all tell them to shut up haha. Like we do when Verhzn comes here. Now grow a pair and make us proud. Make us all so proud.

 

The "sex zone" totally exists for girls... It is the world of FWB where the woman wants more, and the guy just wants a quick mark.

Edited April 9, 2012 by verhrzn