DLH Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Hello everyone! I have a question that you might all think is very odd....so sorry in advance:) I am 35 years old, and have been with my boyfriend now for about 7 months. He is pretty controlling. Never violent in any way, has never hit me, but just controlling. These are the only types of relationships I seem to get into. NOT on purpose, it just happens. Now I have the mentality that if he DOES NOT control me in some aspect. them he must not love me or care about me. If he does not care what I am out doing ect... then he dont care. My bf now is easing up a bit on the controlling, which is great! But it makes me feel like he does not care as much about me. This may be hard for anybody to understand, and no I am far from crazy. Its just all I have known.
GetTheClou Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I doubt any human is qualified to give you a satisfying answer. From my perspective, the thought that he might not care for you (anymore) does not sound like love. Love is about trust, that's why it hurts so much when things get messy.
Author DLH Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 well that would suck- we just moved in together and everything:eek:
january2011 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Though there is a dictionary definition of love, I agree that it is slightly different for everyone. The book on the five love languages purports that how people receive love is also different. I also like the triangular model on Wikipedia about passion, intimacy and commitment. Some would consider your situation an unhealthy love. Especially if they subscribe to notions regarding equal partnerships and love being about support and care for emotional, physical, spiritual, mental well being. You haven't given us enough examples regarding his controlling behaviour. But I think that since you've already suggested that people might not understand and that you're not crazy, you already suspect that something is not quite right and/or your relationship and expectations of love are outside of 'normal' - whatever 'normal' maybe. There is, however, a contradiction in your post, where you say that you need him to be controlling to demonstrate to you that he cares, but you also think that his easing up on being controlling is great. This suggests that there is a conflict in you and you're beginning to question whether or not these expectations and seeking of controlling behaviour and behaviours are right for you anymore. That, is something for you to work out. 1
Author DLH Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 I mean its great because I might actually get to have a normal relationship with someone I love. But bad cause I feel he doesnt care. He hasnt "stopped" completely, just eased up a bit. He is controlling in that he checks my phone if I get a text or call. I cannot go out with my friends without him. If I take 10 minutes longer than usual at the store, he will blow up my phone. He made me delete my facebook. And more.
january2011 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 To me, those actions are unreasonable and would make me feel claustrophic rather than loved. I suspect that it's the underlying attention you crave that is unfortunately manifested in these controlling behaviours. I'm a firm believer in the theory that we teach people how to treat us. I think that you need to work out what is healthy for you and what aspects of a normal relationship you want. Then communicate these to your boyfriend, set boundaries for respectful and reasonable behaviour and get his commitment that he will work on this together. 1
GetTheClou Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Sorry january I need to disagree. What DLH wrote last, there is not much to "work out" anymore. I know, different people, different approaches but made her to delete facebook account and stuff? are you kidding me? Personally I would get rid of him right away.
january2011 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 GetTheClou, you might well be right. However, I think that the 'easing up' suggests that he's moving in the right direction. If the 'easing up' is only temporary and doesn't get better very quickly, then I do agree very strongly that DLH gets out of this relationship.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I mean its great because I might actually get to have a normal relationship with someone I love. But bad cause I feel he doesnt care. He hasnt "stopped" completely, just eased up a bit. He is controlling in that he checks my phone if I get a text or call. I cannot go out with my friends without him. If I take 10 minutes longer than usual at the store, he will blow up my phone. He made me delete my facebook. And more. That isn't love, that's possession. He sees you as he "property" therefore he goes to extremes to keep you from getting out of his control. Not sure why women think being with a man such as this means that he loves you, he just feels that he owns you. And the fact that you let him get away with this just makes him feel more like he does, why do you bend to his will? why do you sacrifice your dignity and life as this person dictates who you are and what you can do? You're just the kind of girl that enables this behavior, your insecurity and fear to be alone and unloved, to be accepted falls perfectly into his trap of being with someone he feels he can control and keep locked up in a cage to make sure she really never does leave him and thinks of anyone else...however in the end still not be satisfied with that result! so this is madness, and the fact you are letting any human being do this to you is just a sad case..you should have laughed his ass out the door when he tried closing the walls around you, but you didn't so that says something about your self-worth. Eventually he'll start molding your world and reality around you changing what you used to think and feel where you will live in his world and think it's actually "normal". It'll become progressively worse and more confining for your freedom. But what "freedom" do you really want anyway right? since the most desired thing for you to receive is attention and acceptance? so in your crazy twisted world you think that because this feeds into your need to be feel valued and worthy you actually perceive it as a good thing. However a part of your brain tells you something isn't right and going over the line. It's like you're trying to be skinny by starving yourself and being unhealthy, instead of eating right and exercising...for you those two are the same because you can't even tell the difference, or else you would have never gotten involved with someone who issues complimented yours...you're not having love and romance, you're feeding into each others problems and trying to create a world of stability, but In the end somethings going to give...someones issue is going to overwhelm the others and cause a huge rift in the relationship. With that being said, I halfheartedly expect you to completely agree or share the this perspective, maybe...but very likely in denial about actual truths, I anticipate you'll be in some sort of distorted perspective and reality. And I'm sure you still completely want to be with this guy since you sacrificed so much of your own "rights" to be with this guy thus far. "I mean its great because I might actually get to have a normal relationship with someone I love" The process has already begun, you don't even see it.
Pierre Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I mean its great because I might actually get to have a normal relationship with someone I love. But bad cause I feel he doesnt care. He hasnt "stopped" completely, just eased up a bit. He is controlling in that he checks my phone if I get a text or call. I cannot go out with my friends without him. If I take 10 minutes longer than usual at the store, he will blow up my phone. He made me delete my facebook. And more. Your BF is a narcissistic controlling SOB. They generally spot women who like you are looking for external validation. I suggest you get out right now or you will be in hell for a long time. These man cannot change, they are who they are. You need to get out now!
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