The nagging girlfriend - causes and solutions

[PlumPrincess]

What is causing men to perceive a woman as nagging? Are there certain types of men who tend to do that?

 

Are there certain women who tend to nag or who are perceived as nagging?

 

How can you get what you want without getting this negative label attached to you?

[KathyM]

Being reasonable in what you ask for is a first step. Framing your request in a nice and pleasant tone and in the form of a request, as opposed to a demand or an order is important. Learning how to ask for what you would like in a way that shows you respect his freedom to make his own choices would go a long way towards how he perceives you. For example, saying things like "Honey, I'd really like it if you would load the dishwasher after dinner" would be a lot more tolerable for a guy to hear than "I expect you to do the dishes." It's all in how you ask, and if your request is reasonable.

[brokenTom]

Maybe attach some kind of reward for accomplishing the task. Like, "Do the dishes and I'll rub your feet!" or something like that. Make it about something fun instead of some kind of hallow obligation.

 

I've never had a nagging gf though, and enjoy doing stuff like dishes so my gf can relax. Of course, she tends to want to help... I think working together on those types of things is best, take turns even.

 

If what a person wants is much bigger like a house, marraige or kids... like the previous post said try and be more cautious about it and plan your words. Before asking them to do something, ask how they generally feel about the subject, like, "Do you prefer renting an apartment or do you ever dream of buying a house?"

 

Don't make it about what YOU WANT, not initially. Instead make sure it's something YOUR PARTNER WANTS first. I believe this is one of the biggest issues relationships have, not being on the same page as each other, assuming you both want the same things in life, and not putting forth the effort to get THEIR sense on things before making them feel obligated to do things.

[brokenTom]

"Honey, I'd really like it if you would load the dishwasher after dinner" ... "I expect you to do the dishes."

It might also help to recognize the difference between simply asking your partner to do something and these kind of non-direct motivational techniques.

 

"Ya know, I'd really love a back rub"

 

"That's nice honey, I'd really like a big house"

See, there's not any actual request to deliver these things. Some of us need a more direct dialog:

"Oh, I'm so stressed, can you give me a back rub?"

 

"Would you consider buying a house with me?"

To me, these two are MUCH more useful, and less nagging, then the first. They demand a response, even when done politely. Edited April 9, 2012 by brokenTom

[PlumPrincess]

I'm not in a relationship, but it's just a couple of times with some guys I felt like a classical nagging girlfriend although I was in no way romantically involved with them.

 

Right now, I'm sort of in a similar situation with a co-worker and my boss. I had repeated talks with my boss since December and it's not really going anywhere. Last time, I threatened I would look for a different job (within the company) if it didn't get better. And a couple of days ago I had the following situation with my co-worker:

 

Different co-worker: Did you hear they are restructuring the company?

Me: No?

Different co-worker: There was an email. You didn't get it?

Me: No... I never get anything. Why do I never get any information?

Him: Probably only the executives (that includes him and the other guy) got it.

Different co-worker: I'll forward you the email.

Him: You don't need to know that.

 

Now I'm pissed off and complain that everybody has his weekly meeting where they get informed, except me. Stuff like, the project is not meeting the next milestone, just escape me. I'm one of the project assistant, it's not a superimportant position, but well, it would be normal to keep who are working in the project informed about this kind of stuff, right?

 

He then looked like he was rolling his eyes inside.

 

I simply don't agree that people should only get the necessary information that they need for the task that they are working on right at that moment. That's ridiculous.

 

I don't know his relationship is, but I know, my boss has problems with his girlfriend. He thinks that whatever he does, she is not happy with him. I know him, he is really nice and some of her comments were below the belt, but since I'm working with him I can also see where she's coming from.

 

I often feel with some people that I say it nicely, people say yes, but go on ignoring it. This repeats a couple of times until I get pissed off. And then I'm the nagging woman.

[PlumPrincess]

I really don't know how you worry about anything. I mean I imagine you're probably a very beautiful woman. You sure seem to have a beautiful mind at least in your writing on here.

Huh? I have to worry, because I'm obviously not getting what I want...

[darkmoon]

why don't men just listen? then we wouldn't nag, sorry Kathy but having to choose your words to get a man - is he young? - to help you do one chore sounds awful i'd hate your life

Edited April 9, 2012 by darkmoon

[brokenTom]

Now I'm pissed off and complain that everybody has his weekly meeting where they get informed, except me.

Oh I JUST had a similar experience like that at work, and I felt like a nagging *********... happens to the best of us I suppose, at some point you gotta be more assertive so you can get what you want accomplished, because it's a team effort and you don't want to just sit back in idle, letting the situation take control.

 

I don't really feel that this is an example of nagging though. To do it proper, you have to be a CONSTANT pain in people's side, critiquing them in all they do, pointing out nothing but faults, etc...

 

I know some people who, no matter how constructive and positive you frame an observation or helpful advice, take it as some kind of mortal failure on their part and they deem you an evil nagging jerk. These people tend to have some self esteem issues or they are arrogant. Don't let them make you feel guilty just because you are voicing a concern.

 

If you can put aside your own pride when things get heated, look at the big picture, learn to give and receive criticisms in a constructive way, then I believe you are on the right path to avoiding becoming a nagging person. You also will become less sensitive to, and be able to better diffuse, a potential nagging person. If you can take the nag, cut away the fat and reveal just the raw critique, then respond in a cool controlled manner, the nagging person will probably be less likely to have to resort to their nagging behavior in the future.

 

In other words, show them that their nagging ways aren't really necessary by being more passive to the nagging elements and instead more reactive to the core message they are trying to get across.

 

Just my humble opinion, as always

[brokenTom]

Also, if you feel so inclined, you can try to take up an alternate personality within yourself, and let that be your nagging self.

 

For example, in my head there's this voice, it's actually more feminine then masculine but I don't consider it a boy or girl, and it's constantly nagging me about things I'm doing wronge, reminding me to do a certain chore, keeps me from grabbing that yummy looking cookie, etc... it's an internal voice that is nagging me relentlessly, and it's frickin' annoying as hell sometimes.

 

BUT, I know it's all good because it's so tired whipping my ass into shape that it never ventures out into the real world to interact with other people.

 

I guess my point is, if you are being accused of nagging or are becoming self aware of nagging tendencies, there may be a way to divert those energies into something less outwardly destructive to society. If you can't internalize the emotions, you could try something like gardening, dancing, or kick boxing.

 

This is probably sounding all too simple now though, right? I guess it's probably easier said then done. It just seems to me the main cause is pent up steam, and people need to find a healthy way of letting that out and not let it ruin their relationships with others.

[staticline]

I think being mindful of tone and wording as others have said here is excellent advice. However, even with the best approach, it's far from guaranteed to help - there will always be those people in life who think a little too much of themselves and are destined to shrug off most any request for their time or their help as nagging.

[PlumPrincess]

Also, if you feel so inclined, you can try to take up an alternate personality within yourself, and let that be your nagging self.

 

For example, in my head there's this voice, it's actually more feminine then masculine but I don't consider it a boy or girl, and it's constantly nagging me about things I'm doing wronge, reminding me to do a certain chore, keeps me from grabbing that yummy looking cookie, etc... it's an internal voice that is nagging me relentlessly, and it's frickin' annoying as hell sometimes.

 

BUT, I know it's all good because it's so tired whipping my ass into shape that it never ventures out into the real world to interact with other people.

 

I guess my point is, if you are being accused of nagging or are becoming self aware of nagging tendencies, there may be a way to divert those energies into something less outwardly destructive to society. If you can't internalize the emotions, you could try something like gardening, dancing, or kick boxing.

 

This is probably sounding all too simple now though, right? I guess it's probably easier said then done. It just seems to me the main cause is pent up steam, and people need to find a healthy way of letting that out and not let it ruin their relationships with others.

I complained to my co-worker and my boss that I didn't have enough work. I hope that can be considered a serious issue.

 

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of patience and somehow I got into situations where I had to deal with people who really strained the little bit of patience that I have.

[threebyfate]

The easiest way to avoid nagging is to pair up with a man who has an equal adult partner mentality. When something needs to get done, they do it without needing their mother/mate to tell or plead with them to help out.

[Dusk1983]

I really don't know how you worry about anything. I mean I imagine you're probably a very beautiful woman. You sure seem to have a beautiful mind at least in your writing on here.

 

WTF? This thread is about a very common relationship issue, not a platform for you to derail into yet another of your crude attempts at internet flirting.

 

To the topic, men are relatively simple creatures - just ASK us politely.

 

Don't set up a maze of cryptic clues, don't bark orders, and don't guilt trip or manipulate us because we'll likely end up refusing just to get back at you.

 

Worst of all (and I'm afraid this is all too common) if you deliberately don't ask us in order to build up a grievance to use against us later, we'll end up hating you in no time at all.