The scapegoat quandry

[writergal]

Today was Easter in the US, and I chose to spend it volunteering with a local volunteer group rather than spend it with my family members who have given me the title of family scapegoat. While I think volunteering on holidays so I can' avoid my family is a better alternative, when I look after myself like this, my family responds by giving me the silent treatment. Not one phone call from them today to wish me a Happy Easter or see how my volunteering went.

 

I recently read a few articles about scapegoats and one struck a chord with me because it described my situation exactly with my estranged brother. The article presents the scenario of a family who was in the process of transitioning the scapegoat role from one family member to the next because the "official scapegoat" resigned from their position and refused to play the part any longer. So the family tries to find someone else to fill that role. Like my family, the family in this article's scenario values intellectualism above emotion. Any emotion expressed is criticized. So in the article, the new scapegoat target is the sister who is emotional, and labeled "drama queen" by the family. The article notes that negative labeling precedes the scapegoating.

 

So, despite the fact that the sister is emotional, the family uses "the drama queen" label to deny the validity of her problems, and by doing so, eliminates their responsibility to ever support her. This "tactic" also diminishes her "emotional reactions" to life's situations as being "drama." So by defining her painful emotions (anger, sadness, depression, apathy) as "drama," her family members can avoid feeling those painful emotions themselves. They avoid having to listen to her experiences and her pain, and they put her down when she has negative emotional experiences.

 

The sister in the article's scenario is totally me. Scapegoats aren't born they're made; and try as I might, I am stuck in a very protracted existence, forever failing to escape my scapegoat label. The tactics described in the article that the family use against their new scapegoat target are exactly the way my family treats me. In fact, during that controversial phone conversation with my brother a few years ago prior to our co-estrangement, he said the exact same thing: he called me a "drama queen" to invalidate my feelings and avoid showing me any support.

 

And suddenly he emails me out of the blue to invite me to his house for Easter.

 

Why would I trust such a person?! No thanks. If he truly wanted to reconcile he would call or email me directly to explain himself, or to apologize to me and start the repair process. I didn't do anything to him or his family to earn his estrangement, so I have nothing to apologize for and no reason to talk to him. Plus, I think it was my turn to be estranged as he did this to our mother before until she went to therapy with him.

 

CC'ing me in his email invite to spend Easter today with everyone felt contrived to me, like his lazy effort to force me to make the first move towards reconciliation when I have nothing to apologize for.

 

I know my decision to volunteer for others on holidays that normally people spend with their family may seem like a cop-out to some; for me its an act of self-preservation. If I didn't go volunteer somewhere today I'd be at home wallowing over my "here's what I don't have but want" list of my life's goals. Instead, I spent today packing food at a warehouse for a non-profit company that delivers food to terminally ill people who are homebound. And I felt great knowing that the boxes I packed food in would help someone. Why would I trade that to spend an afternoon at my brother's house who is an emotionally abusive person.

 

Anytime I try to step out of my scapegoat role I'm met with resistance. As the family scapegoat, anytime I make huge mistakes in life I draw all the negative attention to myself, away from my family. My expression of negative emotions is taboo within my family system of intellectuals, who consider fear and crying as signs of weakness.

 

I know that I can only control my behavior and not my family members'. But walking away from the family scapegoat role (and I've tried and failed a few times) has been extremely difficult for me. Now at 41, I am worse off than I was 20 years ago and I'm trying to figure out how to walk away again but not fall into the same traps and patterns that just pull me back into my family's dysfunctional system of rules. I'm exhausted and feel defeated about it because like I said, I'm leading a very protracted existence despite my best efforts not to.

Edited April 9, 2012 by writergal

[Trimmer]

Wow - that's a fascinating dynamic... I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound so clinical, and I truly empathize, but I just haven't run across anything like this - or at least, anything that was described in this framework.

 

I already know I'm going to have an overly simplified and naive approach to this, but bear with my dumb questions, if you are willing... There must be something that keeps you drawn in to the family dynamic - sort of against your will, in a way - is that right?

 

What is it that keeps you connected, tied into participating in your family in a way that feeds the scapegoat dynamic? Is is that you still get generally good things from the family bond overall, and this scapegoat dynamic is just one part, and overall, things balance out for the positive?

 

I guess what I'm thinking - and this is where I already feel like I'm being overly-simplistic and naive - is, can you just back away from your family? Have your own life, lived well, and essentially not participate in the family? Keep backing away and putting distance between you until you are far enough that the scapegoat dynamic isn't sustainable, or at least, until it isn't a source of irritation or anxiety for you any more?

[writergal]

What is it that keeps you connected, tied into participating in your family in a way that feeds the scapegoat dynamic? Is is that you still get generally good things from the family bond overall, and this scapegoat dynamic is just one part, and overall, things balance out for the positive?

 

Honestly, if I knew what "payoff" keeps my connected, tied into participating in my family that feeds the scapegoat dynamic...well...I would have fled and never looked back once I had the answer. Beyond a general awareness, I don't have the answer to your question. I wish I did. For a while I thought the toxic anchor was my need for their acceptance and approval. However, my family members have never praised me. For example, When I switched grad school programs and told my mother this, she told me to go to hell. Clearly I set myself up for that knowing my mother. So I don't think I stay because I believe that my family will eventually approve of who I am as a person or my choices, since they have never supported me to begin with.

 

can you just back away from your family? Have your own life, lived well, and essentially not participate in the family? Keep backing away and putting distance between you until you are far enough that the scapegoat dynamic isn't sustainable, or at least, until it isn't a source of irritation or anxiety for you any more?

 

I've tried and failed. Case(s) in point: #1. I traveled abroad to teach English for a year. While abroad, a fellow teacher's family who owned a language institute in a nearby city offered me a job and free rent for a few months after my year contact was up at the university where their daughter taught with me. Did I take it? No. I ran away. Why? My mother CLOSED MY BANK ACCOUNT so I had no access to my American money because the day I boarded the plane for China, she told me that she would cut me off from the family if I got on the plane and would never speak to me again. I think I would have stayed and taken that job if my mother hadn't cut off my money. #2. After suffering a serious head injury from a truck-meets-bike accident (I was on the bike), I lost my job and my apartment while recovering in the hospital. I was forced to spend a year recovering at my mother's house. Worst year of my life. I was like a trapped animal. Then miraculously my mother sold her house and moved to another state for two years to live next door to my sister and her husband because they moved for his job. So I moved into an apartment, still unemployed, still directionless in life despite receiving a large accident settlement. Here's irony for you: I had enough money to move to another city, state or country for that matter and start my life over. What did I do? Stayed put continuing to spin my wheels, not investing my money or socking it away for safe keeping. I wasted it paying rent and bills and paying off my car and some other frivolous things. #3. Entered graduate school for a teacher license and masters. Finished the program coursework and student teaching but can't pass the state exams that are required for me to get a license. So as a result I wasted 3 years racking up $100K in student loans for a teacher license i can't get because I continue to fail the state exams, and am working two miserable part-time jobs that barely cover my cost of living expenses and leave nothing for travel or for social life.

 

I've dug quite a deep hole for myself at 41.

 

The only way I can put distance between myself and my family is by not spending time with them when the holidays come up. My mother and sister and her family moved back to my hometown so they are here now. I already don't see or speak to my brother and his family.

 

Like my Catherine Aird quote, I serve as a horrible example of "what not to do." The way out for me is to #1. find another line of work that pays well or #2. continue trying to pass my state license exams meanwhile network in education like crazy in between my two sh*tty part time jobs which leaves me no time to date or socialize. I have no one to blame for my situation but myself. I think had I not squandered my accident claim money, or had taken that job overseas I would be in a much better place in life. But here and now is horrible and I'm trying to figure out how to combat my scapegoat role which I blame for my choices. I have no problem distancing myself from my family but financially I'm one check away from living in a homeless shelter. Know what I mean?

[Eddie Edirol]

So what happened when you were with your family, but refrained from talking about yourself and your issues? What happened when you didnt talk about yourself at all, and deflected any of their questions that steered you into being called a drama queen? What happened when you avoided saying anything emotional that made them call you a drama queen?

[writergal]

So what happened when you were with your family, but refrained from talking about yourself and your issues? What happened when you didnt talk about yourself at all, and deflected any of their questions that steered you into being called a drama queen? What happened when you avoided saying anything emotional that made them call you a drama queen?

 

If I say nothing about myself or my issues, I'm criticized or completely ignored (as though I were invisible). They don't even ask me questions about my life anymore. They literally have no idea what's going on in my life now because after my mother told me to go to hell for switching grad school programs last year, I've clammed up. What prompts my brother to call me a drama queen is when I try to engage in family conversation or if I express my opinion about something he says that I disagree with. Or, I'm a drama queen if I'm upset about something that's happened to me and share it (which I don't do anymore).

 

My family's system of rules is that I'm not allowed to seek emotional support from any of them; however they emotionally support each other and then talk about it at family functions as though I'm not in the room. Those same rules applied when my father died from cancer 20 years ago. When he told us he didn't have more than 10 days left to live, my brother and sister and mother were allowed to cry and get angry but when I cried, he told me to "shut up!" I posted about that here as well. Or, when I was in the hospital recovering from a brain injury only my sister visited me. They never mention the accident to this day or asked me about my recovery. They just ignored me after it happened. When I was at my mother's recovering, I had an episode where I wanted to go to ER and asked her to take me there. She told me "no, it's all in your head." I had a bleeding stomach ulcer which I found out about because I called 911 myself and while I waited for the ambulance my mother screamed at me for being a hypocondriac. Meanwhile, my stomach's bleeding internally, my scalp has staples in it from being fractured, and my brain is still swollen and healing. The one time I brought a boyfriend over to my sister's for Thanksgiving four years ago, he was also completely ignored after my sister humiliated me in from of him, when she told him to run fast away from me if he knew what was good for him. Or my mother's birthday this year. She initially planned it on a night we were all free. Then my brother told her he wasn't free and so she planned it on a night when I couldn't go because I had class. So she went ahead and accommodated my brother's schedule needs but not mine. Granted it's her birthday she can plan it for whatever day she wants. It's just another example of how I'm being invalidated. I couldn't skip class that night either because I had an assigned presentation to do. So I had to be at class. I know my scapegoat behavior was created by my family invalidating me so I perpetuate it by creating situations which keep me in scapegoat role. But I want out now. And I have no idea how to really make that happen.

Edited April 9, 2012 by writergal

[turnera]

Just build up your own new family. A healthy one with people who WANT you and love you.

[writergal]

Just build up your own new family. A healthy one with people who WANT you and love you.

 

Believe me I'm trying to do that. I'm definitely not advertising my dysfunctional family system to friends or acquaintances. Yikes that would be bad.

 

I'm just frustrated at 41 with the outcome of my life's choices. Is this my mid-life crisis rearing its grey haired head? Once a scapegoat always a scapegoat? Or is it realistic to think I can really change to attract better friends and romantic partners? I hope so!

 

A quick review of my choices over the past 20 years has me cringe when I use hindsight. I know that "if only I did this" is par for the course with regret and I shouldn't regret the past. But I just can't help it. On the upside: I found myself falling into the same trap the other day with a situation, and successfully yanked myself out of it as soon as I recognized what was happening. I think a little regret is healthy. It keeps things in perspective.

[ponsettia]

What is it that keeps you connected, tied into participating in your family in a way that feeds the scapegoat dynamic? Is is that you still get generally good things from the family bond overall, and this scapegoat dynamic is just one part, and overall, things balance out for the positive?

 

Speaking from my perspective (of being a family scapegoat) you don't want to stay connected to them, but you feel compelled to. Everything tells you, your family love you unconditionally and will keep you safe - but when they don't do either you cling to the belief that eventually they will show you that love and comfort.

 

 

 

 

I found myself falling into the same trap the other day with a situation, and successfully yanked myself out of it as soon as I recognized what was happening. I think a little regret is healthy. It keeps things in perspective.

 

It's any easy trap to fall into, people who are looking for a scapegoat/punchbag seem to be able to recognise that's what you've been, and will charm you into becoming their scapegoat/punchbag.

 

Good for you for recognising it, and pulling away!

[turnera]

My DD21 was always picking friends who ended up using her and/or dumping her. So this year, when she went away to college again, I told her to hold back when she meets someone, meaning don't jump in and offer to give someone a ride or help someone with something. Don't be 'that' person. Then see if they stick around. If they do, they're more likely wanting to be your friend cos they like you, not because you're easy to be used. It's worked out great, and now she has a good friend who's going to room with her next year.

[Eve]

OP, a book suggestion, 'My Mother Myself' by Nancy Friday. Also have a browse at some of the other suggested titles on the page I have highlighted as I understand the issue is not only with your mum.

 

I have not read the suggested book myself as I have just found out about it but apparently it is very good reading and I do think it may be a pivot to help you with some of the issues you have spoken about.

 

Amazon.com: My Mother/My Self: The Daughter's Search for Identity (9780385320153): Nancy Friday: Books

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited April 11, 2012 by Eve