eraco11 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Hello everyone, I am new to this thread and I hope someone here can offer some insight into my situation. I met a guy about 7 months ago and from the start, we hit it off really well. We went on a few dates and eventually we became sexually involved. We had an understanding from the start that things would be casual since he came out of a long term relationship a few months prior. He told me he wanted space and options; I was fine with the arrangement because I knew it would be convenient and I was already enthralled by his companionship. Over the course of this arrangement, things for the most part were pleasant besides his 'reminders' about not being in a relationship from time to time (even tho i didnt do anything to warrant these reminders) and the heated discussions we would have related to petty issues that we would end up overreacting and being sensitive about (we are both guilty of initiating these arguments). About two months ago, he unfortunately endured a tragedy in his life related to close family members. I offered him support as a good friend, lent a shoulder to him and we opened up about very personal things and bonded. I saw a change in his behavior and the intimacy between us became so amazing and comfortable - ive never felt this before. I will not lie, I like this guy so much and have so much respect and admiration for him on all levels - mental, physical and emotional. He is what I always imagined my perfect partner would be and we see eye to eye on so much. I love his companionship and even the simplest conversations are so enjoyable. Recently, I noticed that it seems like he wants more than just a casual arrangement with me. He has asked me to completely trust him, to understand that he always has my best intentions at heart and he has told me that he wants to be here for me but feels I push him away. I have been told that I lack sympathy and understanding - yet I never felt that I had to give these things since we werent together. Essentially I held back on being too emotional and sensitive so that I would not get caught in a situation I could not handle. I have been very careful with what I been open about and what I have trusted him with just because I did not want to overstep my bounds as a friend. My question is, how do I proceed with this? I feel we do not have any boundaries set up and he is asking me to trust and support, yet he has not mentioned any variation from his initial stance of remaining just casual. I dont feel I should be the one to bring it up, since he was the one who remained firm on what it should be. I noticed about two months ago, he signed up for a dating site but listed that he was only looking for friends. Recently though, I noticed that he changed it to 'short and long term relationships'. I have considered walking away from the situation cold turkey just so I can keep my emotions in check and not feel so vulnerable. I think my biggest fear at this point is to open up more to him, trust him and find out after that he is interesting in dating someone else. I know part of this may be my fault but at this point, I am just clueless on how to proceed. Any comments, suggestions, or advice is very much appreciated.
CC12 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 He has asked me to completely trust him Maybe you can say something like, "I trust you with a lot of things, but I can't be completely open with you because you've always made it very clear that this is a casual relationship." And my response to him saying, "You push me away" would be, "I do have certain boundaries that I don't want to overstep and I think that's healthy for a casual relationship like ours. If you want a different kind of relationship, then maybe that's something we need to talk about." Or, if you just want to put it all out there and tell him that you want more out of this, that wouldn't be a terrible thing to do. It does seem like you want more from him. 1
The Great Gazoo Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Holy crap!!! Really? HOW ABOUT telling him what you want and asking him what he wants???????
CC12 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Holy crap!!! Really? HOW ABOUT telling him what you want and asking him what he wants??????? 8 question marks 8 letters in all caps 3 exclamation points 2 emoticons 1 blaspheme This guy is serious.
PlumPrincess Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Maybe you can say something like, "I trust you with a lot of things, but I can't be completely open with you because you've always made it very clear that this is a casual relationship." And my response to him saying, "You push me away" would be, "I do have certain boundaries that I don't want to overstep and I think that's healthy for a casual relationship like ours. If you want a different kind of relationship, then maybe that's something we need to talk about." Or, if you just want to put it all out there and tell him that you want more out of this, that wouldn't be a terrible thing to do. It does seem like you want more from him. Good suggestions. I'm not sure if people who insist on a casual relationship but then start asking for more from their partner without offering more in return can be trusted. People who are fair and reasonable understand that they can not ask for something without giving the same thing in return. In this case, the guy has clearly expressed that he did not want to have a serious relationship, but now asks for the benefits of it, like trust, understanding, sympathy. 1
spiderowl Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 I think you would need to say to him that you keep a certain amount in reserve because your understanding is that this is a casual relationship and reserve is appropriate in that case. Let him know if he wants to change the basis of the relationship, he needs to tell you because previously he was pretty firm about wanting it to be casual. I think he's fully aware of the terms of the relationship and he doesn't really know what he wants at the moment. He's doing a mixture of pressing you for more emotional intimacy while setting up on a dating site. Be very specific that he needs to let you know if he wants the relationship to change from casual to serious and exclusive, otherwise you'll continue to assume it's casual. Make sure he knows he has to take that risk. If he's not prepared to, then I think you can safely assume he doesn't know what he wants and it would be a big risk to think long term with him.
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