TerminalxSound Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 This is something that's been bothering me for a while so I'll try my best to explain all the nuances for you in the most coherent way possible... So my current boyfriend (7 months today) has this ex girlfriend, let's call her Sammy because it actually hurts a little to type out her name ><. Anyway, he and Sammy had dated each other for 2 years before me and were very close, the best of friends, he was totally totally crazy about her and promised her forever and was just generally completely smitten (far more passionate than he acts towards me, I often feel. =() They shared a lot of firsts together and were high school sweethearts, the whole shebang, so they got to go through a lot of those fun milestones together like prom, etc. And that's all fine, logically I know that I can't possibly be upset about things that happened before I was even on the map, but there's always just a constant unsettled bit of my brain that thinks he doesn't treat me the way he treated her, no matter how much he tries to reassure me. The problem is that he still pursues her. He desperately wants to keep in contact with her, saying that friendships are very important to him and he can't bear to lose one that had been such a big part of his life, which is true and I can understand that, but it still makes me uncomfortable. I don't see why he can't just drop contact with her and move on like the rest of us do. I used to think that these feelings were just exacerbated by the fact that we were and LDR and didn't get the opportunity to go on dates and make special memories of our own, but I've been in his city for the past 3 weeks and the feeling is only getting stronger. I feel like everything here has been tainted by her- he has a story about her to tell almost everywhere we go, and when I visit his parents' house I'm literally afraid to touch anything for fear of it having some special significance to her. Ugh. I've never been that girl, but this is horrible. Another thing to note is that I've never really had a problem with my boyfriends' exes before, it's just something about this particular situation that I can't quite push out of my head. I'm not sure if I'm just crazy or if there's something that can be done to alleviate this but any help would be appreciated. I trust him completely and know that anything he tells me is the honest to god truth, but I still find myself comparing myself to her.
TaraMaiden Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) don't let this fester. some may think you're being possessive or insecure, but on the other hand if he won't let this drop - this is going to become a big issue for you guys and "The elephant in the room"... Ask him that, if you two end up going out together for 2+ years, and you break up - would he be as intent on keeping you as a friend, as he is with her...? somehow..... sounds to me like there's something he can't let go of.... And really, she too, out of respect for you, should ease off.... there's another thread here you may like to read... The advice i give there, will probably be just as appropriate here. Edited April 8, 2012 by TaraMaiden
veggirl Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Your bf is in love with his ex. Why bother with him....tons of guys who are sweet, vute, funny etc out there who aren't still in love with and chasing an ex. 3
darkmoon Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) 1 role-play...story to tell bull to get him going i know i am your ex boyf, but we had real good times, kissing, just cutely, in fourth grade, then all that in our teens too but i know i was young and unforgiveably unfaithful, you are my first love, still so pretty... tell him how fascinating your ex still seems, just turned up from Winetka and you are to visit him there 2 or tell him it's her or you - he must decide now and dump her Edited April 8, 2012 by darkmoon
daphne Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 It sounds like he's just not letting her go. I don't think you're necessarily that girl. You have to decide if you want to continue in a relationship where he's living in the past, and using you for comfort for the time being. It's likely that he's hoping they'll reconnect at some point in the future. Do you really want someone so unavailable to the present time and you? It's like getting table scraps. You don't get to sit at the dining table with everyone else. I don't think there's any amount of talking you can do to change this situation. I would let him go. I'm not interested in being anyone's second best.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Ever feel like the consolation prize? that's because you are... What part of this guy do you think you have? because his emotions are clearly invested with his ex...you think that this is normal friendship behavior? does this sound like the kind of action and display of someone who just doesn't want to love a friend? would they even need to act out in this way? You're being naive If you actually believe that he's just interested in that platonic relationship, you know why he chases after her? because he still loves her and hopes that one day by chance maybe they'll be together again...that's why everything reminds him of her, that's what It's like when you still love someone. When you're with this guy, you're with him on the surface...the experience and emotions you have together do to penetrate or override what he feels for her. It's like you're with a statue, because he's got a wall up that you're unable to penetrate through...and the key to getting through it is not something you hold, not because you're not worth it or because you're not as "special" or can't be to someone, It's because he is blinded by the cloud of his past emotions for someone else that he's not able to let anyone new in, you're just an external pleasure, you're a comfort and companionship that supplements the void of not having her. What is it that you think you could do? change his feelings? how? by showing him love and things that he cannot see? he doesn't realize what you're doing and how you make him feel, you're like a ghost that only exists in another dimension...he may recognize your presence but he's not there with you, he's just a shell. You can tell yourself whatever you want to, and listen to the advice that you only want to hear...but in the end your relationship right now is not getting a real shot, you're just basically there. You helped him cope with the loss, you are a source of comfort and escape for having to face those emotions..but eventually, which may be happening now, those feelings are going to overwhelm him and take control and he's not going to care how you feel and what you think because he'll be determined to holding onto her priority and you just come second...he'll give you half-hearted excuses that you'll only believe because you want to not because it's the truth. You already know the answer and the truth, IF you want to continue with this guy than at least be wise enough to acknowledge that and realize you're going to be second best...even if you give him ridiculous ultimatums or demand he cut her off and stop loving her, but do you really think it works that? he didn't get over her before meeting you...now you're just caught in the whirlwind, and because you "love" him, you'll likely continue to stay with him and hope things will one day change...which couldn't be more typical. If you truly want the best for yourself then it takes sacrifice, doing the right thing for yourself...If you're too weak, too emotional, just can't walk away....well, don't be surprised when things don't change, because this guy needs time alone...he needs to get some balls and man up, closing one door before opening another one, while some new girl that's not as good as the one he loves just dumps her emotions into a bottomless void. Chances are, he'll be right back with her after you break up (If she'll take him, It's totally up to her)...you think this is a minor nuance in your relationship, yet your supposed bf is chasing after another woman while you sit by and watch, and he treats you second rate because of it. What are you thinking? 3
FitChick Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 How long had they been apart before he met you? Does she have a boyfriend now? Would he leave his home town to live somewhere else with you? Why don't you ask to meet her since she is such a "good friend?" If she has a boyfriend, suggest a double date. At least she wouldn't be such a mystery and probably not as wonderful as the picture you have painted of her.
Author TerminalxSound Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 They had been apart for about 3 months, I think. She had a boyfriend- a guy that she semi-cheated on him with (they were on a week long break of her requesting) but they broke up in November. He would definitely not leave his hometown for at least another few years.
Trimmer Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 They had been apart for about 3 months, I think. She had a boyfriend- a guy that she semi-cheated on him with (they were on a week long break of her requesting) but they broke up in November. He would definitely not leave his hometown for at least another few years. Ah, so she cheated on him, and they broke up around June, 2011, yes? You guys got together in about Sept 2011 (when "she" was with the boyfriend she had cheated with, and so unavailable...). Then, she frees up a couple months later in Nov. 2011, and you've been hearing about her from your BF ever since. I can't be sure, but is it possible you were the transitional/rebound girlfriend that he grabbed onto while she wasn't available, but now that she's available, she's got his attention again? Sounds to me like he "lost her" to the cheating incident. A lot of guys would do anything to "get her back" after that, and now that it's a technical possibility, he finds it immensely distracting. 1
Almond_Joy Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I used to think that these feelings were just exacerbated by the fact that we were and LDR and didn't get the opportunity to go on dates and make special memories of our own, but I've been in his city for the past 3 weeks and the feeling is only getting stronger. I feel like everything here has been tainted by her- he has a story about her to tell almost everywhere we go, and when I visit his parents' house I'm literally afraid to touch anything for fear of it having some special significance to her. Ugh. I've never been that girl, but this is horrible. Another thing to note is that I've never really had a problem with my boyfriends' exes before, it's just something about this particular situation that I can't quite push out of my head. I'm not sure if I'm just crazy or if there's something that can be done to alleviate this but any help would be appreciated. That bolded part up there - that's your intuition trying to talk to you. Your bf is not over his ex, and it sounds like there's a good chance that A) He's going to hurt you badly by running back to her, or B) You will be lingering in her shadow as (in Ninja's words) a consolation prize for a very long time. If you want to stay in the relationship/work on it, make some new memories with him. Go to new places, try activities together that neither of you have done. Make some first memories of your own with him to replace the ones he's holding onto from the past. If he keeps up this aggressive attempt to maintain contact though, it may be best to take a break until he works out his feelings for his ex. Good luck.
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