how2reconcile Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) My ex-fiancee and I (both late 20s) met in college and reconnected shortly thereafter. We have been dating for 5+ years and I proposed to her last fall. Over the course of our relationship I got into a negative routine in which I neglected her and what she did for me and us. She has told me that she has been 'emotionally detached' for a year. She is in a high-pressure situation right now with grad school and is working intently on a promising new business. She and one of her business partners (who is also in grad school) got drunk and hooked up a little over a month ago. She said this is what made her realize that she was not happy in our relationship, plus she developed feelings for him. He also was engaged and is uncertain about what is going on. Part of the problem with me is that I was hotheaded and bombastic. Remarkably to many (including her), this has affected a great positive change in my entire outlook on life. I am now focused 100% on being emotionally available and treating her as she needs. I have explained this to her ad nauseum. I laid all of this out last Sunday in a more complete way. She mentioned the possibility of counseling on Monday night. I then screwed up by talking the other woman about this. My ex was gone from Tuesday until Friday and returned home Friday night. That night she wanted to leave and I was as persistent as ever and convinced her to stay on through the weekend. She refused the idea of counseling this weekend because her heart would not be in it. She was going to move out on Saturday but leave some of her stuff and come back to the house periodically for reasons of her comfort. At this point I was feeling like a doormat and got some advice to put my foot down and tell her to move out all of her stuff, otherwise she would have lost all respect for me and there would truly be no hope. I have reassured her that I have forgiven her for what she did and that the past is in the past (this is actually true with me, I'm not just saying this). Also, this month is an important and very busy month for both of us with work. It is going to be very intense and there just isn't time for her I think to sort out exactly what she is feeling. She is the type of person that hates to disappoint others. She said to me that it would be unfair to me for her to think about a future with me while she is uncertain about how she feels about the other guy. Anyway, she just moved out today, leaving only a few things. I have expressed to her how deeply I feel for her and she said that she still loved me, but was just not sure that it was enough. She is deeply saddened by what has happened to us and keeps saying that it is surreal (duh). She is staying at a friend's house (no new lease) and again isn't sure about this other guy. I presume that she is going to figure out how she feels about him. I am doubtful that they will ever work out and think that he came in to her life to fill the emotional void that grew up between us. Of course he threw away a perfectly good relationship with a great woman through this also. I don't know how the other guy's relationship is at the moment, probably not good. She moved out today (Sunday) & is going to be very busy with work and will be seeing this guy rather often. I just can't sit back and let her throw away 5+ years and all of our hopes and dreams. Our wedding was to be this summer. I don't want any advice about forgetting about her or comments about how she is a no-good cheater. So, given all of this and the fact that I am not going to give up on her (which she knows probably too well), what should I do to increase my chances for a reconciliation? At this point I am ready to let go (in terms of contact with her) or do whatever needs to happen to bring her back. I know the chances are not good but I need help on how to handle this specific and weird situation. Any advice as to how I should proceed would be tremendously welcome. Edited April 8, 2012 by how2reconcile
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