Meg717 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I have a question. I am recently single and a guy I used to know before the relationship got in touch with me when he found out. The first night talking we text for a few hours and then I left for vacation for a week. He text me the day my plane landed asking how my trip was. He would also say he always liked me and couldn't wait to hang out with me, etc. The night we were supposed to hang out, it ended up falling through - he claims he fell asleep. It was supposed to be more of a casual hang out a local bar with a group of my friends and it was going to be kind of late. Could be a lie, might not be, I don't know. We do not text everyday and I wait for him to contact me first. The last two time we talk, I text him first and it seemed normal. I hate these games bc I never know if what I'm doing is right. After reading a few threads I might be realizing it's OK to contact him first. For guys and girls.. what is the right thing to do? Is it ok for me to text him first every once and a while? What is too much contact or not enough?! Help! LOL
SmileFace Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 No such thing as appropriate amount of contact. It seems that the contact here has been one sided lately and you don't think it is appropriate, right? Well that is what matters - you don't find he is meeting your needs so therefore this isn't an appropriate amount of contact. If I think you were being irrational I would say different but you are even initiating contacting and he isn't returning the favor . It doesn't seem as if he is very interested.
cerridwen Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 That he didn't profusely apologize for "falling asleep" and propose another meeting soon after, would be enough for me to lose his number period. I second everything SmileFace wrote above and encourage you to put no more effort into this guy.
Author Meg717 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 True.. true.. I'm not emotionally invested yet so it will be easy to move on to the next. It was just annoying bc he seemed so interested before we were supposed to hang out. I should say he did text me the day after he "fell asleep" and said "I am so sorry I fell asleep, are you going to be around today?" I told him I wasn't and then the day after that was when I initiated contact. On to the next.. lol
Author Meg717 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 He also text me today saying "Happy Easter" which I obviously didn't get too excited about.. it could have been a mass text lol.. I responded "Happy Easter" and also sent a bunny face He responded "Ty beautiful" I sent a happy face and he responded with a happy face.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Some people here will tell you it's ok to keep contacting someone over and over, like that's just the way it's supposed to go or something and like it's not a sign of lack of interest on their part. However, when someone is interested in you...they're going to contact you back and keep in touch...period. There's no reason you'd have to chase after these people or go out of your way to contact them when they haven't responded 2 to 3 times or It's you that always has to initiate contact with them...maybe some people are used to chasing everyone they end up with, but for myself I wouldn't even think twice about it...If It's not a back and forth process then I'm simply going to lay off, and after an X amount of time then I'm just over it. I'm not going to sit there and make excuses for this person and come up with some ridiculous situation where they couldn't possibly contact me, In this day and age there's pretty much zero excuse. This guy appears to me to be cordial and interested in leaving the door open but not interested in making an actual move...maybe he wanted to see If you were interested in him and would give him the time of day and now that he knows he's lost some enthusiasm. Then when it comes to meet you, he claims he fell asleep...no attempt to reschedule, no attempt to apologize and act like "omg I'm so sorry, can I make this up to you? I'm still very interested in meeting with you blah blah blah". Personally I can't stand flaky people, so from my perspective with that poor of an excuse I'm done...don't care what happened yesterday, don't care what I thought or how I interpreted this or that or what you said...It's all irrelevant..people say a lot of things, make empty promises every day of the week, the answer is clear, what do the details matter? I know most people roll over in bed all night pondering those reasons, but for what purpose? bottom line is, is this a good sign or the kind of behavior you would want from someone in a relationship? They can't make a first "date" and they're supposed to be making a good impression, imagine what they'd do in the future? I don't know, I know a lot of people love to hold on to "see what happens" but you're only putting your foot in your own arse If you ask me. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen...I'd be over this cordial crap, he's acting like he just didn't flake on you the other night and playing it nice...ridiculous imo and that person is just playing games...so it's an easy decision, why act like he's your only option and chase? plenty of people out there in the world. 3
Author Meg717 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Bingo. If a woman does that, then she pushes me away from her. Why? Because she would have me thinking that I'm very low on her priority list, that I don't matter, that I'm not important and that I'm not wanted. A fairly straight forward way to look at it is to look at people's actions. So if I see signs that I'm unwanted, then I pull away. Because who wants to be in a relationship where you're low on her priority list, where you're not important and where you're not wanted? Hm. Very interesting. I hate the dating game, I am the type of person that reads into everything. Which is why I was curious what people think about communication in the beginning. I just assume guys don't want to be contacted a lot bc then they'll think the girl is clingy or needy. I'm 27 and never really did the adult dating thing since I started dating my ex when I was 22. Now, I'm curious if I came off uninterested at first. I'm definitely not trying to make excuses for this guy bc like I said, there is no emotional attachment at the moment so moving on is not a problem, I guess I don't want to make the same mistake twice. We live over an hour away from each other so we were going to meet up while I was visiting my friend (who lives near him) and I remembered one of his original texts was about going to get dinner when I was in the area. Then I invite him out to a movie with 6 of my friends that he doesn't know and then to a bar afterwards. He opted out of the movie and said he'd meet at the bar, which obviously he didn't come. It would have been the first time meeting up in 6yrs, maybe I gave the wrong impression?
Jane2011 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 maybe he doesn't want to be around all those people. i say never invite a guy to group outings with your friends when you're first getting to know him. because even if it's not true, he might think you're "one of those overly-social girls who can't do anything without her friends."
Jane2011 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I think he might still be interested. He's just not "extremely" interested.
Jane2011 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Except he was the one who opted out of the movie, to meet up at the bar. However he never showed up. Oh, well, I assumed the bar was with people, too. Was it, OP?
Author Meg717 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 True, true to both comments! So, then with talking to someone... what are "rules" or ways to not come off as clingy or needy?
Author Meg717 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 yes.. the meeting at the bar was going to be with a group of my friends and I told him in advance they would be there so if he felt overwhelmed I would have understood if he didn't want to come. After that incident I found out in another conversation that he does not really drink.
Jane2011 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 How old is this boy? (just wondering; isn't related to why he does or doesn't drink; lots of people don't drink; just wanna know how old he is)
Author Meg717 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 How old is this boy? (just wondering; isn't related to why he does or doesn't drink; lots of people don't drink; just wanna know how old he is) He's 30. I don't know anything about his dating history either.
Author Meg717 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 And personally I try not to play any games. So when it comes to contact, I reply back when I have the opportunity. I don't believe in starving people from contact or flooding them, just basic back and forth contact. Balance, that's what I'm trying to get at. OK, so I really need to just go with the flow and relax. How would you feel if someone you were interested in contacted you one day, then there was a day of silence and then you contacted them. Is that normal? Or would you wait to hear from them? I guess that's part of the game playing? Should it be communicating everyday or is that when the dates are more frequent? Omg I feel like such a teenager! Haha
amantis Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 OK, so I really need to just go with the flow and relax. How would you feel if someone you were interested in contacted you one day, then there was a day of silence and then you contacted them. Is that normal? Or would you wait to hear from them? I guess that's part of the game playing? Should it be communicating everyday or is that when the dates are more frequent? Omg I feel like such a teenager! Haha You just need to relax For me is all a game in the beginning ( before the date ) theres no rules .. if you feel like saying something to him , say , if you want him to say something , wait . After the first date , everything changes . If im interested in someone i let them know ,but if i see that they want to play games i just stop . If im the one sending a sms or calling everyday , i think that something is wrong 1
spiderowl Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I tend to think of communication with a guy as a bit like a tennis game. It's back and forth - he sends a message or phones, I respond. I send a message or something and he responds. If he doesn't respond after a reasonable amount of time, say a day, then I would be having doubts about him. I'd probably send one more message on the basis that he might not have got my previous one, then if no response that would be it. I think a previous poster's comments about looking at the pattern are very good. If someone is erratic and sketchy in responding and then suddenly contacts you at short notice to do something, one can safely conclude they are at least unreliable and at worst see you as a last-minute option when all else has fallen through.
RachR Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I'd probably send one more message on the basis that he might not have got my previous one, then if no response that would be it. If a guy hasn't responded to a text you sent about five days ago, has too much time passed to send one more to see if he responds or not?
amantis Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Thats too long dont say nothing , if he was interested in you i bet that he would do anything to send you a sms
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