westrock Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Everytime I want to end it, he would incessantly try to make excuses. Why does an excuse stop you from ending the relationship? Either you end it or you don't. An excuse is just that, an excuse. In a healthy relationship, an excuse is not good enough. But for you, why are excuses good enough for you to continue the relationship?
Kamille Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I'm sorry you're hurting Paper. Something about dating seems to really stress you out. It feels like you're operating with a sense of urgency. It would be nice, if, instead, you could approach every situation with the knowledge that you will be all right and that you do know how to make the best decisions for yourself. I hope you figure out how to tap into your own strength. ((Paper)) 3
Author xpaperxcutx Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Why does an excuse stop you from ending the relationship? Either you end it or you don't. An excuse is just that, an excuse. In a healthy relationship, an excuse is not good enough. But for you, why are excuses good enough for you to continue the relationship? Because an excuse is a false promise and that's what I've gotten my whole life. Ive always settled becaude my low self esteem has always told me I wasn't good enough I know I can do better and I can expect more.
eleanorhurting Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Because an excuse is a false promise and that's what I've gotten my whole life. Ive always settled becaude my low self esteem has always told me I wasn't good enough I know I can do better and I can expect more. well until you feel like you are good enough then maybe you should not date. Because you are just going to keep getting into situations like this
xxoo Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I haven't seen him since last Monday and we try nog to text each other so much especially at work. I don't know how much morem space we can give each other. If I cut off the phone calls... we' ll be in NC. Not about giving each other space or cutting each other off. Just giving yourself space and time to find your center, before resuming contact (if you still wish to do so after a break of 7 days. You might not.)
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (I apologize In advance paper If I'm wrong, this is what I FEEL you are coming from) Look, It's not that xpaperxcutx doesn't understand all the advice in her threads, she understands it completely...she's not dumb, rationally she gets every piece of advice given and she even herself understands the frailty and destructiveness of this relationship. But she gets to an emotional place or state where she feels no longer in control of her actions and decisions, she cannot process and think clearly and institute what she needs to. She doesn't have the strength to pull the trigger and just walk away, even though I believe she wishes she could sometimes. Compound that with insecurity and abandonment issues and she's almost on auto-pilot, the emotional state for her is very self-destructive and overwhelming, she is already feeling bad enough as it is. She gets in these situations, she knows how it plays out and yet she still wants to hold on, she knows that she's got her own issues as well, I doubt she thinks she's an easy person to get along with, which is another reason why she doesn't want to just jump ship, she just wants someone to stick through it with her, she wants someone to want to fight for her and earn her trust, and be there for her no matter what....to prove themselves worthy, to make her feel safe. That is part of the process, she's not viewing from a perspective of oh, this isn't compatible, let's just pull the plug then...because from her point of view she just wants dedication, commitment and someone to accept her for who she is. She just feels disappointment, and let down once again by another man. Paper, you know you've got to take care of yourself, you're the most important person, you need to be, If you don't help yourself and save yourself you're expecting too much from another human being. It is your responsibility to fix you, not anyone else, and you can do it If you face your fears and you take the time to get to the other side, because I know you're not in a good place, and you know If you continue this destructive behavior you're just going to go around in the same circle. You need emotional and stable support, from people that are not of romantic interest to help you get yourself together. Dating and relationships is a whole other ball game, and take a level of independence, self-awareness and strength to be collectively happy and healthy, or you're just merely in a relationship so that someone will fix you. 4
Author xpaperxcutx Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 Well I got a response from even though I wasn't expecting him to. He said he doesnt have the tine and energy to talk about the situation right now and wished me a happy easter ... :(yeah now I know where I stand.
veggirl Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Well I got a response from even though I wasn't expecting him to. He said he doesnt have the tine and energy to talk about the situation right now and wished me a happy easter ... :(yeah now I know where I stand. He's shown you a zillion times where you stand. It's not where you want to be. So why don't you just walk...why do you continue putting yourself through this with him? This is the relationship you want? No, and it's NOT going to get better. You can't make it better. Just go NC...why are you so attached to this guy you have known for so little time? 1
kaylan Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 ^What she said. Bro...I mean Girlie...look....just round up the lady troops, and go have a nice night out. Enjoy some time with friends and get your mind off of this dude. I stand by what I said way in the beginning. If you had other things going on in your life, or had other guy options, you wouldve bailed on this dude a long time ago. Stop settling. 2
Professor X Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 so what's your plan, paper? I bet she's back with him (no sarcasm).
Author xpaperxcutx Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 so what's your plan, paper? I'm avoidibg him and spending time with my best friend. 4
Imajerk17 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 (edited) paper, I realize that this might come across as lecturing, but from reading your saga, I do think that, when you are feeling better, it really would do you good to think about what attracted you to him and why you acted as you did... If I recall correctly: --You weren't interested in him after your first date. --You slept in the same bed with him anyway(!). --You suddenly developed strong feelings for him during your second date. --You had all this drama around you: that weird cell-phone plan that made it very hard to get a hold of you, you needed to ride into work with your boss...(I would be extremely annoyed too) --He and his own crazy behavior. The rest of the details are hazy to me. I get what Ninja said, but early on things were more manageable to you and yet they still spiralled out of control. It just seems that you made some crazy decisions through and through, even at the beginning, that either (a) annoy the hell out of the person you're dating and get them to lose respect for you (e.g., your cell-phone plan), or (b) get you in more emotionally than is good for you. EDIT: In fact, from reading your posts, it seems to me that how it worked with you with this guy was that you kept creating drama, he pushed back, and that got you more and more emotional about him. Any truth to this? Edited April 9, 2012 by Imajerk17
veggirl Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I'm avoidibg him and spending time with my best friend. :bunny: I think it'd be a good idea to tell him in no uncertain terms that it's dunzo, though. And not to contact you, rather than just ignore/fade. Assuming that's what you want... 1
Author xpaperxcutx Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 :bunny: I think it'd be a good idea to tell him in no uncertain terms that it's dunzo, though. And not to contact you, rather than just ignore/fade. Assuming that's what you want... I'm getting a lot of opposing advices on how to handle this. I admit I didn't paint hum in the best of light but when we're together we make each other happy. I am the immature one and I do start most of the fights so much so he gas voiced that he's sick of it. I haven't talked to him or returned his call. I wish I can say I'm over him but I'm not. I just don't know how to makethis relationship work bcause I feel insecure.
ariadne999 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I'm so glad I'm not a lesbian. What men have to put up with is beyond me. Can you tell me what it's like to be better then everyone else your majesty?
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I see NO opposing advice. I see the exact same advice as I have seen in all the previous threads about this thing you have going on. You respond within the threads as if you haven't read most of the posts. Whether or not you believe this or agree with it - the way things have been unfolding with this guy are in NO WAY appropriate to the actual time you've spent together or depth you have been able to establish. Since you have insisted and persisted in jumping ahead to behavior suited to people in a well established and very dysfunctional relationship. even though you have STILL only been on a very few dates and barely know this guy, I do not believe there is ANY way that your dealings with him can be anything other than what they are right now. Which is, basically, a lot of fighting and drama on the phone and texts punctuated with a few actual dates and sexual encounters, and enfolded by a lot of your emotions. It's not going to suddenly "grow" into something different than this. I am sorry, too, that you are hurting. On the other hand, my sympathy is tempered by the fact that you have set yourself up for this at every turn. Each time it's in your face that this in not a viable relationship prospect for you, you turn away from that and invest yourself emotionally even further. But there is nothing real behind it. Why are you doing this to yourself? 3
kaylan Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 :bunny: I think it'd be a good idea to tell him in no uncertain terms that it's dunzo, though. And not to contact you, rather than just ignore/fade. Assuming that's what you want... ^This. Tell him its dunzo, like supremely and utterly dunzo. Tell him its so dunzo, that the word dunzo has lost all meaning and in fact has become dunzo itself. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 ^This. Tell him its dunzo, like supremely and utterly dunzo. Tell him its so dunzo, that the word dunzo has lost all meaning and in fact has become dunzo itself. Yeah, but under these circumstances, the word dunzo will have certainly lost all of its meaning and they will be back to fighting and making up over the phone and texts with no real "relationship" happening tomorrow.
veggirl Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Yeah, but under these circumstances, the word dunzo will have certainly lost all of its meaning and they will be back to fighting and making up over the phone and texts with no real "relationship" happening tomorrow. Yeah She'll disappear for a few days/a week and then be back with the next installment of how he was soo wonderful for 3 days but now there are problems...again!
mortensorchid Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 This sounds dramatic and ridiculous. Eventually you will tire of it. Please move on.
westrock Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 I recall in an earlier thread you indicated that you were once diagnosed has having BPD ? One of the traits of BPD is alternating between splitting people white (eg. one day everything is so perfect) then suddenly splitting them black (eg. next day breaking up with them) and then cycling back and forth between these extreme highs and extreme lows without any shades of gray. The result is all this drama. From what you've posted about your current relationship it sounds like that is what is happening. I am the immature one and I do start most of the fights so much so he gas voiced that he's sick of it. I haven't talked to him or returned his call. I wish I can say I'm over him but I'm not. I just don't know how to makethis relationship work bcause I feel insecure. It is good that you are acknowledging your role for what's happening. Figuring out how to make this relationship work will depend on how sick you are of living like this and how willing you are prepared to work on resolving your feelings of insecurity. Only you can answer those questions. The easy short term answer is to dump this guy, move on, and find a new relationship, but that won't fix anything because wherever you go your insecurity is going to follow you until you resolve it. The solution to your issues will not come from a relationship even if you find the most perfect person in the world. No relationship will be able to resolve your insecurity issues because having a relationship does not address the causes of your insecurity. Have you given some thought to seeking therapy for your BPD (even if you had therapy in the past)?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 I recall in an earlier thread you indicated that you were once diagnosed has having BPD ? One of the traits of BPD is alternating between splitting people white (eg. one day everything is so perfect) then suddenly splitting them black (eg. next day breaking up with them) and then cycling back and forth between these extreme highs and extreme lows without any shades of gray. The result is all this drama. From what you've posted about your current relationship it sounds like that is what is happening. Yes, I keep breaking up with him due to anxiety. It is good that you are acknowledging your role for what's happening. Figuring out how to make this relationship work will depend on how sick you are of living like this and how willing you are prepared to work on resolving your feelings of insecurity. Only you can answer those questions. The easy short term answer is to dump this guy, move on, and find a new relationship, but that won't fix anything because wherever you go your insecurity is going to follow you until you resolve it. The solution to your issues will not come from a relationship even if you find the most perfect person in the world. No relationship will be able to resolve your insecurity issues because having a relationship does not address the causes of your insecurity. Have you given some thought to seeking therapy for your BPD (even if you had therapy in the past)?thing is, everyone is telling me this relationship is bad for me... I know he's a good person, but I don't know whether I'm good enough for him. The only thing I'm sick about is his lack of time, his work schedule has increased rather than decreased, and we're back to seeing each other once every two weeks. I feel anxious , because I feel like I'm the only one who's willing to put in time and energy into a " relationship". He kept telling me to work with him on this and be patient.
kaylan Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Listen to your intuition. I think your gut knows something really bad is waiting in the wings and it seems that youre just ignoring it. Anyone would be anxious with the way the relationship between you two has been. You seem to be still stuck in the situation, and if you dont cut the cord now, the pain later will hurt even more. Why would you defend or want someone who appears to not work at having a relationship with you. No matter how good a person you may think someone is, if they dont put in a solid effort to have a relationship with you, then it means they arent good for you.
Kamille Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Yes, I keep breaking up with him due to anxiety. thing is, everyone is telling me this relationship is bad for me... I know he's a good person, but I don't know whether I'm good enough for him. Why wouldn't you be good enough paper? And why would you not take your own needs into account? You want more frequent contact, you asked for it, it isn't happening. I don't have an opinion about this relationship being good or bad for you (surely it's more complex than that). It does sound to me, however, like this guy is showing you he's not ready to compromise for a relationship. Paper, you've never had problems getting dates. I don't really understand why you're so attached to this guy. Why?
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