Elidy Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I am in an exclusive, serious relationship, and decided it was time to introduce my boyfriend to my 3 year old son. My is usually nice and polite and well behaved, but he is reacting strangely to my boyfriend. He isn't always nice to him, and is basically standoffish. I think it's to be expected, as all of a sudden a "stranger" is coming into his home to visit and he has been used to it just being him and mommy all the time. My son has never met his father, so it isn't as if someone new is coming in to "replace" his dad. But nonetheless he is taking some time to warm up to my boyfriend. When I talk to him about it privately, he says he isn't sure yet whether he likes my boyfriend (Alex), but when I ask him if it would be okay if Alex came over more to visit and play with us, he always says yes. I think it's normal for my 3 year old to take some time to warm up to Alex. I just see Alex take it personally and be hurt by this. He is afraid my son doesn't like him. I am afraid this will negatively affect our relationship. I try to plan fun things for us all to do together, like going to the park or the zoo, and Alex seems to be excited to do that with us, but then when he gets here and doesn't get a warm reception from my son he gets noticeably upset and usually ends up deciding to leave. How do I get my son to warm up to my boyfriend, and how to I get my boyfriend to understand it just takes a little time and effort? Thanks.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I'm not someone with much experience in this area as I've dated very few women with any kind of children or maybe more like nieces or nephews around...however for some reason they seem to like me easy enough and usually attach pretty quickly (making you drawings, giving you some "special" rock or something weird like that) and I'm not even sure why, I don't do anything special, a lot of times I just talk to them like regular people and they're usually trying to mess with something and I'll help them with it or what not, or explain how it works. So I'd have to say from my experience is not to try so hard, kids need to feel comfortable coming around you instead of you pressing them. I tend to lay off and not really worry whether they're paying attention to me or not, I mean I sure as hell don't really know what to do, hell..maybe they even feel sorry for me because they can tell. I think they like it when they feel like they're making the decision instead of this strange person trying to be their friend, especially If he's not used to being around men or maybe he is but he sees them more as relatives than strange men. I also never really do the nice-guy-baby-talk, or the "give me a high five buddy!", because for me I'm not really used to kids and I feel a little awkward, even though I like kids, I just don't know how talk with them and what they like necessarily. I think kids also like when you are just genuine, I think they can tell If you're a faker or trying too hard. It's weird because now I'm thinking of these things I never thought about before...things I guess I remember kids liking; - I like to draw on scratch paper or what not, they always think it's interesting If you can draw something "cool"? :S - I'm a fixer/problem solver type of guy, so If they're trying to do something I help them figure it out or make something, I guess kids like creative things? - I like cartoons too, so I'll sit there and watch cartoons and sometimes they'll just come sit next to me for no reason or without warning...kids like for you to spend casual time with them? I'd say just to tell your bf to relax, and stop expecting to just come into this kids life and all of a sudden be someone he loves and adores...It's something that will take time but he shouldn't get frustrated, he just needs to build trust. Tell him to just be himself and just spend time with you and him together, you don't have to do any special activities or what not, just put in the time and they'll warm up to you...some faster than others. From what I noticed kids just flip a switch one day when they decide they trust you or like you, I'm not sure they're really conscious of it. I would never take it personal enough to get irritated and just leave, he's a grown man, tell him just to just take it in stride. Tell him to think of it like growing a plant, It just doesn't happen overnight, It's the day to day process and care, eventually It'll grow into something but it's not an instant gratification process.
FitChick Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Your son sounds a bit territorial. Spend most of your time out of the house doing things with the three of you. Then he will associate fun with your boyfriend. How about your son bringing along one of his little friends as well so he won't feel he has to fight for your attention? Especially when your boyfriend stays over, you can tell your son he can have a sleep over, too. Or better yet, sleep over at his friend's house.
Author Elidy Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Thank you, you both offered up some really good advice. I appreciate it. Yes, my son is territorial. He has had his mom and his home pretty much to himself all his short life. It's a good idea to do things outside of the home together, and maybe incorporate my boyfriend into more group events with family or friends, so it isn't such a one on one thing where he just sees some guy taking his mom's attention away. Thanks again. I will build on these ideas.
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