last thread

[Kidd]

You or your attorney should make it very clear that unless she agrees to 50/50 split within a very short period (24 or 48 hours) you are going to war and you won't be seeking 50/50, nor even 70/30 in your favor--you will be seeking sole legal and physical custody based on your wife's parental unfitness/psychological fitness, and that her lifestyle poses a threat to the children. Having unprotected sex with a strange man on the living room couch with the kids in the other room? Are you kidding me? This is a woman who can easily be characterized as being so bent that she lacks any impulse control when it comes to fulfilling her sexual fetish and doesn't care if she exposes her children to it. She wants to portray you as a violent couch burner? Big deal. Up the ante. There's nothing worse in a custody battle than being portrayed as a possible sex offender. Your wife came about as close to being an actual sex offender with her couch antics as it is possible to be without actually crossing the line. All it would take is for one of the little kiddies to wake up and wander into the living room because he heard "noises" and see.....that's right. Now you're getting it. The only reason that the sex offender line wasn't crossed was sheer luck. That's what happens with people like your wife and why you've got to protect your kids. They keep taking crazier and crazier risks until something very bad happens.

 

And it might not be just the kids catching mommy getting banged on the living room couch. It could be something a lot worse, like the next "dom" she picks to dominate her is into little children, too. Your wife is so obviously nuts based on he blog post, so obviously uncaring of her children's true welfare, that she is more than capable of putting her kids at risk and justifying it in some crazy way.

 

Your wife is actually a very sick individual and it's the blog post, along with the surrounding circumstances, that establish that ugly truth. The kids really DO need protection from her. She has done nothing to deal with her mental issues and she is likely to just get worse and worse, esp. if lover boy dumps her, as usually happens in these cases.

 

 

 

And your lawyer should also make it very clear that Missile Number 1 that will be fired at your wife unless she agrees to your proposed terms will be a Motion to conduct a comprehensive psychological/psychiatric evaluation of your wife by a psychiatrist of your choosing, with the blog post as Exhibit A attached to the motion.

 

And then if she doesn't comply you follow through.

 

You really need to bring this bitch to her knees, once and for all.

 

Cuckold? Seriously? It's time to show this whore who is the boss.

 

Using the poker analogy, you need to go "all in" on her ass, show her you are more than willing to push all your chips in the middle of the pot, and go to the showdown. That you think your Ace (affair, blog post) is better than her Ace (domestic violence charges). But this time you do it the smart way, everything legal, no losing your temper. You need to be very cold and stop worrying about your wife at all. I assure you this woman absolutely wouldn't shed a tear if you dropped dead tomorrow, she would do a "happy dance."

 

My attorney and I have discussed it once but from a different angle. I have another appt this week. I agree entirely that I need to find a way to show the card. I don't want to make threats, even legal one, via email. We will figure it out and I do appreciate the suggestions. Ultimately I won't pursue more than 50/50 but I have no reason not to play this card other than my good nature which will not take priority over custody of my children.

[Spark1111]

OMG! It is so painful to read this advice.

 

But the emotions aside, I think it is really, really valid and good.

 

So sorry Kidd it has come to this sort of thinking and planning.

 

Do what you need to do to attain the results your children need.

 

If, in all of this, you can continue to take the high road, more kudos to you.

 

I sense, as if it were me, that in the attempt to reconcile with the person I loved, I would NOT have tried to think to hard about the ugly and the intense.

 

I so wanted to believe positive change could have happened.

 

I believe, as do you, human nature can be salvaged towards the good, the honorable, the altruistic.

 

I am so sorry you need to listen, if not heed some of this harsh legal advice, IF it proves to be in the best interests of your children and the most stable future you can provide them.

 

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

[fltc]

"The problem is that I am still here. I am still obsessed with infidelity. I have no idea what I am searching for. Why am I reading and responding to posts? Every spare minute I have is spent here. It is a huge distraction from my responsibilities (work, children, divorce, new girlfriend). I have no questions and need no advice. I suppose there is something in me that wants to help others but I find myself focused on waywards. Perhaps I want to help "fix" them since my virtual PhD in infidelity was unable to help me fix my WW or salvage my own M. I'm not sure."

 

I wish I could have stated my being here as well as you have.... an event occurred in my life over a year ago (that I have not posted and never will) and it drove me here. I spent hours each day searching forums for more information and now my mental equibrium is now somewhat recovered, I'm able to sleep maybe 5 out of 7 nights but I find myself still here also and. like you, still obsessed with infidelity.

 

The good is I'm here less and less often. I've followed your situation from the beginning and wish you only the best. You'll be missed here but I hope you check in from time to time.

Edited April 11, 2012 by fltc

[despicableME]

Wow! After reading your threads and now the blog, I seriously doubt she was "all in" as far as reconciliation goes. I'm really sorry.

 

It seems to me she was just stringing you along... waiting for you to misstep, and then cast you out- very cunning and manipulative, if I do say so myself.

 

She turned the corner very quickly as far as doing away with her marriage. Although I don't condone violence, she seems to have taken advantage of your most recent outburst and use it as an excuse to divorce you. I think someone else who read her blog was spot on in calling her little sham of a R, when she herself was surprised you two made it this far- WOW!

 

Furthermore, this OM will always have the blog to look to when feeling the urge to revisit their trysts in his mind... How shameful is that on her part?

 

In the marital home, while your children slept upstairs?!?!?! Not much more can be said.

Edited April 11, 2012 by despicableME

[2sunny]

I'm sorry for your pain Kidd.

 

I will say... Do some work on finding a way to be happy on your own - without that need to be validated by another woman.

 

And please know that all women aren't like your wife.

 

I've worked hard at my traumas. I've grown and learned to love being on my own. I was with my exH for 23 years. I had to unlearn what I had learned...that all men aren't mean and cheaters.

 

Even through this site - I have learned that there are many very kind, loving men! I have learned that this new way works well.

 

Let go of what drags you down.

 

Be open to what makes you happy! The possibilities are endless!

 

I now (7years later) love this new life! I go where I want - when I want- with whoever I want - for as long as I want! It's simply awesome!

 

I have learned to be happy on my own. I've learned to love myself enough to never allow a man to hurt me that abusive way ever again!

 

I've learned that women are much more cruel to men than women are to men.

 

When I love - I love completely - but with a solid boundary that doesn't allow another person to treat me portly and have ME act as if it's ok - its not ok! I have value!

 

And you have value too, Kidd!

 

Remember that you deserve to be loved by YOU...and in doing it that way - then you offer your best self to those you love.

 

Keep growing and keep changing! It's ALL good!

 

Hugs and I wish you the best in love and in life!

[BetrayedH]

OMG! It is so painful to read this advice.

 

But the emotions aside, I think it is really, really valid and good.

 

So sorry Kidd it has come to this sort of thinking and planning.

 

Do what you need to do to attain the results your children need.

 

If, in all of this, you can continue to take the high road, more kudos to you.

 

I sense, as if it were me, that in the attempt to reconcile with the person I loved, I would NOT have tried to think to hard about the ugly and the intense.

 

I so wanted to believe positive change could have happened.

 

I believe, as do you, human nature can be salvaged towards the good, the honorable, the altruistic.

 

I am so sorry you need to listen, if not heed some of this harsh legal advice, IF it proves to be in the best interests of your children and the most stable future you can provide them.

 

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

 

Hey...this is actually Kidd. I went to change my email address and can't seem to get my account reactivated. This was an alias I briefly used when considering my RA. Ugh. It'll have to do.

 

Spark, you nailed it. What a depressing turn of events to even need to consider some of this business. It is completely counter to my nature. I prefer to live and let live. Didn't work for my marriage and doesn't look like it'll work for my divorce. Frustrates the crap out of me but what am I to do? These kids need their father.

[BetrayedH]

Wow! After reading your threads and now the blog, I seriously doubt she was "all in" as far as reconciliation goes. I'm really sorry.

 

It seems to me she was just stringing you along... waiting for you to misstep, and then cast you out- very cunning and manipulative, if I do say so myself.

 

She turned the corner very quickly as far as doing away with her marriage. Although I don't condone violence, she seems to have taken advantage of your most recent outburst and use it as an excuse to divorce you. I think someone else who read her blog was spot on in calling her little sham of a R, when she herself was surprised you two made it this far- WOW!

 

Furthermore, this OM will always have the blog to look to when feeling the urge to revisit their trysts in his mind... How shameful is that on her part?

 

In the marital home, while your children slept upstairs?!?!?! Not much more can be said.

 

It was quite the revelation after so many months of R. Sure makes it all seem like a false R but I do believe the affair ended and that, in her way, she was trying to reconcile and was scared to death of me knowing the truth. In a real sense, I guess she had good reason to fear my reaction after how I reacted. But yeah, pretty overwhelming. And when it comes to the kids sleeping, it wasn't upstairs. My son or daughter could have just opened their doors and instantly seen what was going on in all its glory (candles, Natalie Merchant playing, and mommy naked with another man on the couch); there would have been no advance notice for them to hide. Kills me to think about.

[BetrayedH]

I'm sorry for your pain Kidd.

 

I will say... Do some work on finding a way to be happy on your own - without that need to be validated by another woman.

 

And please know that all women aren't like your wife.

 

I've worked hard at my traumas. I've grown and learned to love being on my own. I was with my exH for 23 years. I had to unlearn what I had learned...that all men aren't mean and cheaters.

 

Even through this site - I have learned that there are many very kind, loving men! I have learned that this new way works well.

 

Let go of what drags you down.

 

Be open to what makes you happy! The possibilities are endless!

 

I now (7years later) love this new life! I go where I want - when I want- with whoever I want - for as long as I want! It's simply awesome!

 

I have learned to be happy on my own. I've learned to love myself enough to never allow a man to hurt me that abusive way ever again!

 

I've learned that women are much more cruel to men than women are to men.

 

When I love - I love completely - but with a solid boundary that doesn't allow another person to treat me portly and have ME act as if it's ok - its not ok! I have value!

 

And you have value too, Kidd!

 

Remember that you deserve to be loved by YOU...and in doing it that way - then you offer your best self to those you love.

 

Keep growing and keep changing! It's ALL good!

 

Hugs and I wish you the best in love and in life!

 

Thanks 2Sunny. We didn't always agree but you certainly have the best of intentions and strive to help people here. You're an honorable woman. I hope life continues to treat you well. As for me, I am resilient. Too bad it took so many years and a divided family for us to separate. Spilt milk.

[BetrayedH]

"The problem is that I am still here. I am still obsessed with infidelity. I have no idea what I am searching for. Why am I reading and responding to posts? Every spare minute I have is spent here. It is a huge distraction from my responsibilities (work, children, divorce, new girlfriend). I have no questions and need no advice. I suppose there is something in me that wants to help others but I find myself focused on waywards. Perhaps I want to help "fix" them since my virtual PhD in infidelity was unable to help me fix my WW or salvage my own M. I'm not sure."

 

I wish I could have stated my being here as well as you have.... an event occurred in my life over a year ago (that I have not posted and never will) and it drove me here. I spent hours each day searching forums for more information and now my mental equibrium is now somewhat recovered, I'm able to sleep maybe 5 out of 7 nights but I find myself still here also and. like you, still obsessed with infidelity.

 

The good is I'm here less and less often. I've followed your situation from the beginning and wish you only the best. You'll be missed here but I hope you check in from time to time.

 

If what you have tried isn't working, perhaps you should consider trying something different. It's an anonymous forum. Why not see what input and support you can find here? You can always walk away. I took what helped and left the rest behind. It was helpful connecting with a community that understood me. If nothing else, 5 pages of well wishes have done my soul some good this week.

[despicableME]

And when it comes to the kids sleeping, it wasn't upstairs. My son or daughter could have just opened their doors and instantly seen what was going on in all its glory (candles, Natalie Merchant playing, and mommy naked with another man on the couch); there would have been no advance notice for them to hide. Kills me to think about.

 

OUCH!

 

Total disregard for decency.

 

As for her blog, she states that she had many encounters before being married. Did you know of her sexual history prior to marriage? Did you have an inkling of her desires? She seems like a totally different woman from the one you thought you married.

Edited April 11, 2012 by despicableME

[BetrayedH]

OUCH!

 

Total disregard for decency.

 

As for her blog, she states that she had many encounters before being married. Did you know of her sexual history prior to marriage? Did you have an inkling of her desires? She seems like a totally different woman from the one you thought you married.

 

I did know that she had been promiscuous. Initially she didn't want to be exclusive but when I saw an old girlfriend while we were dating, she changed that view quickly. During R, she told me that I was the only guy in her life that had managed to get her attached. Keep in mind that we dated exclusively for 5 years before I asked for her hand, were engaged for 1.5 and married for 10 before her A started. Those flags were long gone. I didn't even know she was unhappy. Her attempts to talk to me were all "softball" attempts to use her own words. She never eyeballed guys, talked any open marriage or threesome business. I'm even pretty liberal and would have at least listened if she had asked. The whole thing is just plain odd. Can't help but think that I must have been a major disappointment once she got her last promotion and started hanging with more powerful people and had become very popular. I had taken a demotion at work, the sex had become vanilla, and she found this new excitement like she had when she was young. It's just a sad story, a waste really.

[despicableME]

So you're saying her position "corrupted" her in some way? Interesting.

 

I skimmed over your threads, so I just got the gist of your situation. What became of OM? As I understand it, he still works for the same company, right? Do you think they'd stoop so low as to rekindle the affair, given their "great chemistry?"

[BetrayedH]

So you're saying her position "corrupted" her in some way? Interesting.

 

I skimmed over your threads, so I just got the gist of your situation. What became of OM? As I understand it, he still works for the same company, right? Do you think they'd stoop so low as to rekindle the affair, given their "great chemistry?"

 

Hmm. Not sure if corrupted is the right term. I would say that her new work life fueled the fantasy. She had new friends, new popularity, obviously praise from the boss. She bought new clothes, went out drinking with new friends, developed a whole new social life. Our life must have been terribly boring in comparison. And I was the center of it. Her affair became an exit affair.

 

The OM transferred but still works close enough. Who knows. I did contact the OMW and gave her a heads up that we were separating and shared the blog with her (after warning her that it was graphic). She received it and didn't reestablish contact. She didn't really connect with me the first time around either, which is fine. We spoke only once or twice after the initial reveal. I can only imagine how she must feel. That damn blog was overwhelming. Otherwise, I don't much care about the OM. He and my W have to live with themselves after what they have done.

Edited April 12, 2012 by BetrayedH

[despicableME]

Her affair became an exit affair.

 

I came to the same conclusion.

[Bellechica]

Kidd, I know I am the liar bi**h here but I looked at the site your ex posted on and I think it's horrible. It's disgusting and I'm sorry you're going thru this. All the best to you and your kids. This thread has been difficult to read because of how messy it seems this D will be. I've seen friends go thru similar Ds and it scares me. All the best to you and your children.

[BetrayedH]

Kidd, I know I am the liar bi**h here but I looked at the site your ex posted on and I think it's horrible. It's disgusting and I'm sorry you're going thru this. All the best to you and your kids. This thread has been difficult to read because of how messy it seems this D will be. I've seen friends go thru similar Ds and it scares me. All the best to you and your children.

 

Belle-

 

You don't seem to realize that I don't see you as a bitch at all. Much like my wayward wife, you allowed yourself to fall into a fantasy that by definition wasn't real. You then re-wrote your marital history to help mentally justify your actions. I don't even think my wife had ill intentions towards me during her A, just as I don't believe your intent was to hurt your H with yours.

 

If you take anything from my story, I would ask that you look at what lengths I went to to salvage my M after the nuclear bomb my W dropped on it. Even with all of the high-end drama, I wanted to forgive my wife and to help her escape the mess that she had created not only for me but for herself. I still absolutely feel for her. My wife miscalculated and thought I could never forgive her for what she had done, that I could never get over it (and would never make the changes necessary to fix the marriage). She was wrong. But she still hadn't learned and she continued to lie. It was never the affair that made forgiveness and reconciliation impossible. It was the deception and lying. I knew about all kinds of hurtful things that transpired during the affair. It didn't stop me. But her continued lies made it impossible to reconcile. She never learned that all she needed to do was be honest with me and we would make it thru this together. She kept lying and ruined it. You're not a bitch. You effed up big time and you have choices on what to do. Please consider honesty or you will end up with the mess my wife and I are suffering. Coming clean IS the only solution. I appreciate the well-wishes. Good luck with your marriage and family as well. I hope you make it.

[Steen719]

I did know that she had been promiscuous. Initially she didn't want to be exclusive but when I saw an old girlfriend while we were dating, she changed that view quickly. During R, she told me that I was the only guy in her life that had managed to get her attached. Keep in mind that we dated exclusively for 5 years before I asked for her hand, were engaged for 1.5 and married for 10 before her A started. Those flags were long gone. I didn't even know she was unhappy. Her attempts to talk to me were all "softball" attempts to use her own words. She never eyeballed guys, talked any open marriage or threesome business. I'm even pretty liberal and would have at least listened if she had asked. The whole thing is just plain odd. Can't help but think that I must have been a major disappointment once she got her last promotion and started hanging with more powerful people and had become very popular. I had taken a demotion at work, the sex had become vanilla, and she found this new excitement like she had when she was young. It's just a sad story, a waste really.

 

You need to remember that one woman's trash is another women's treasure. Plenty of women would grab up a loving, faithful man. Look at all the women on this site that want that. And hey, you aren't perfect....none of us are, but you are a good catch. She is not...most men would not want someone who does what she has done. Don't take on her blame. We all have enough of our own. Best to you and good luck.

[drifter777]

Kidd - you are going to be fine. Keep working to get back in the swing of life, focus on being a great dad, date lots of ladies, and continue counseling. It will get better, your pain & anger will dull as long as you continue to face it head on. Accept that it takes time and believe it will get better.

[BetrayedH]

Kidd - you are going to be fine. Keep working to get back in the swing of life, focus on being a great dad, date lots of ladies, and continue counseling. It will get better, your pain & anger will dull as long as you continue to face it head on. Accept that it takes time and believe it will get better.

 

I'm already ok, Drifter. I appreciate that you have been here for me since the beginning. I look forward to catching back up in a few months. Hope to return with an update after the D is final.

 

I hope that you continued reading that book and that it was helpful. What I really hope is that you eventually find forgiveness and can live in the present. If not, I hope you find acceptance. Either way, don't stay a tortured soul forever. Life is too short and 20 years of that has been long enough. My best to you, friend.

[2long]

Hi kidd:

 

I can't believe I'm asking this, and maybe I don't really want/need 2 know, but... was your STBXW's blog link posted on here somewhere? I remember your thread about the couch incident, but don't remember the blog.

 

Apologies for asking, as I suppose it's not really my business.

 

-ol' 2long

[BetrayedH]

Hi kidd:

 

I can't believe I'm asking this, and maybe I don't really want/need 2 know, but... was your STBXW's blog link posted on here somewhere? I remember your thread about the couch incident, but don't remember the blog.

 

Apologies for asking, as I suppose it's not really my business.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Sent you a PM.

[despicableME]

BH/Kidd, I remember you posting that OM's marriage was likely headed to D. With yours moving in that direction, how would you feel if she "took up" with him again... maybe even became a couple?

Edited April 13, 2012 by despicableME

[BetrayedH]

BH/Kidd, I remember you posting that OM's marriage was likely headed to D. With yours moving in that direction, how would you feel if she "took up" with him again... maybe even became a couple?

 

Actually the OMW initially vowed D but ultimately stayed for the kids and because of her religious faith. They were still together as of about a month ago but that was before she read the blog and she never replied after that. I believe my W did stay NC but who the hell knows, right? She said many times that they never had intentions of leaving their spouses and I tend to believe it. While my wife may very well want to get laid, I very much doubt she'll get into a committed relationship of any kind for quite some time. When she does, I suspect I won't like anyone playing Dad other than me whether it is the OM or someone else. But it's her life and her choice now. Plenty of other part time Dads out there going thru the same thing. I'll survive.

[Spark1111]

Actually the OMW initially vowed D but ultimately stayed for the kids and because of her religious faith. They were still together as of about a month ago but that was before she read the blog and she never replied after that. I believe my W did stay NC but who the hell knows, right? She said many times that they never had intentions of leaving their spouses and I tend to believe it. While my wife may very well want to get laid, I very much doubt she'll get into a committed relationship of any kind for quite some time. When she does, I suspect I won't like anyone playing Dad other than me whether it is the OM or someone else. But it's her life and her choice now. Plenty of other part time Dads out there going thru the same thing. I'll survive.

 

Ugh! The fOW in my sitch used her child to kickstart the affair after a drunken ONS on a business trip.

 

She asked my H if he would be willing to "help" her child after the mean, nasty, xH was so abominable to him. (Probably all not true.)

 

After DDay, I felt sorry for this child who had established a relationship with my H. How sad to form an attachment to another person and lose it so abruptly.

 

How about a clause in the divorce papers that your children cannot be introduced to another man unless she is engaged to be married to him?

 

Far-fetched, I know, but hey, Elin Woods got that in the settlement after Tiger's activities.

 

The blog may help you in that regard.

[2long]

Sent you a PM.

 

Holy sheeyut!

 

Ac2ally, when I think about it, it reads SO much like a so-so Penthouse Letter that I wonder if she just borrowed it. It may be colorful, but it's not very imaginative.

 

Still, I can understand why you might not want 2 stay with someone like that. Like I like 2 say over on marriage advocates, "Nobody who doesn't want 2 be with you is worth fighting for."

 

best,

-ol' 2long