last thread

[twosadthings]

Next thought. You have kept to the path of wanting, hoping for reconcilliation. There was a former Supreme Court justice that when asked said "I don't know how to describe pornography but I know it when I see it". I will say to you that with your wife's almost two years of acting/living that horrible lifestyle whether real or not, (she did after all co-opt you into a revenge affair which validated her "actions" as she calls them) that you will need more than the standard infidelity web site examples necessary for reconcilliation.

 

Don't reconcile until you feel something you judge to be right for that choice.

[twosadthings]

Lastly, is your son. He has seen and heard his parents arguing, burn a couch, get picked up and thrown out of his house, get arrested, get limited or no contact, gone swimming with his mother and sister at J's pool and who knows where else. He cannot accurately process these and other thoughts and experiences but in four or five years the pieces of the puzzle will fit and come into focus.

 

You must for both your sakes make his development your priority not the reconcilliation of your marriage. He needs your example and wisdom to be able to ultimately give and receive love with a woman. He will learn from you what to expect, what to endure and what to reject. I don't think your wife can or will do that even if she says don't do what I do but what I say.

 

He is what matters.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

[Kidd]

Hi Kidd! Sorry to see you go....

 

But I do understand.

 

Are you still in IC? Maybe you should be. It can help you during this time. It could help the kids too.

 

You have had one helluva a year and your rollercoaster is still ongoing and will be for awhile. You just have to accept it.

 

I realized well into the process that whether we succesfully reconciled or divorced, many of the feelings would have remained the same and so would the time it took to regain balance and perspective; to truly feel strong and in control of my life again, with or without him.

 

Know matter what I knew logically, it would still take my emotions 2 to 5 years to catch up to my brain and it was some scary ride to feel so out of control or scared or sad or angry unexpectedly....but that is what feelings do.

 

They ride the overlapping rollercoaster until they have processed the trauma completely, and then settle down into strength and acceptance.

 

As for your LS obssession, it's normal.

 

I liken it to battle-shocked war veterans who still meet 40 years later to discuss the atrocities they witnessed and endured together and the horrific events leading up to them.

 

Why? Because these are events you cannot discuss in polite company after a respectable period of time, with friends and family, and still get the same validation or brickbats as here.

 

Only those who have been in the very same trenches of infidelity will understand completely and perfectly the range of emotions you carry with you every day, and will for a very long time.

 

So you have to both deal effectively with the recent, traumatizing past as you plan to forge a new future; one with new traditions for the holidays, parenting of your children, and new romantic relationships.

 

So take your break and start living in your new reality; try to find moments of joy in the coming uncertainty and relish them.

 

We are all rooting for you to live happily ever after!

 

But if you ever need to come back here to talk to fellow soldier-in-arms......

 

we will be here.

 

Thanks Spark. Good analogy to help me understand why I have been staying here. Makes me feel a slight bit less broken.

 

As for IC, yes, I think I probably still do need it. I had two ICs I didn't like. "And how does that make you feel?" I felt like I could talk to myself a whole lot cheaper. Our MC was working with me for a while after my W gave it up but he was not an expert in infidelity and was the most effective rug sweeper I've ever heard of. He felt like everyone knew the affair was wrong so there was no sense in discussing it. It was torture. I stopped going when he seemed kinda useless. Back to the drawing board. More importantly, I think I need to resume AD meds. Ugh.

 

The kids are in IC, started it recently. The IC doesn't share their sessions with us so we really don't know how it is going.

 

Anyway, please keep doing what you are doing. You're the best poster on here and a great example. Take care.

[findingnemo]

Kidd,

 

Last thread? Hmmm...we'll miss you here. I feel like saying don't go...but I understand what it feels like. I had to take a few months' break because I felt like I was stuck in infidelity, OW issues and such. It helped to stay away because I was addicted, spending way too much time here. Anyway, I'm back now and I think less dependent on the site but I'm also enjoying it more.

 

About your W's blog... I looked at the site. I doubt that I read her blog specifically though. I just want to tell you that what she did is on her. I know it hurts, I know you still question what happened after all those years. However, it is all on her. People do the dumbest things and don't realize it for years. She will one day realize that only porn stars (at least in my mind) air their sex lives on the Internet for perpetuity.

 

Good luck with your life. I like that you've found a partner...for now. Yes, it may not be the "one" but hey...it's called moving on. There's no specific timeframe for these things. I'm almost 3 years separated and only now starting to see other people. It took me a while but I know some people who did it pretty fast and are happily M. So who knows? Just live your life without fear or anger. Get to that place of acceptance we hear about often.

 

Oh, and do come back once in a while. You can post on the Dating forum or the numerous others. Lots of people need your understanding and balanced approach.

 

Take care, Kidd.

[Spark1111]

Thank you for your compliment!

 

It continues to be a part of my healing to help others who are now once in the same sitch I once was; many with few places to turn, or few expert enough to help them heal (yes, I agree many in the mental health field are woefully undertrained when it comes to infidelity.)

 

One last question:

 

It will be normal for you to grieve the loss of your marriage, the one you thought you had, and the one you were hoping to make stronger through reconciling.

 

I will not hold you to your answer, because not only is hindsight 20/20, it WILL get sharper and clearer the more time has passed, and your thoughts and feelings about this question may/will change.

 

BUT, right now, if you had to do it over again, is there anything you would have done differently?

 

What would that be?

[Ninja'sHusband]

Kidd, thanks for all your help and support. It's very very valuable to me. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did I'm actually struggling with letting this place go as well. I do get some good feeling from helping others as well (like WFBACK) and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

I'm sure none of us will ever really leave, maybe just tone it down a bit ^^ Owl seems to have a good balance, maybe we should take that example.

 

Good luck man We all grow so I'm sure things will get better for you. Starting fresh has to be fun sometimes, and I know you've said that it is

Edited April 9, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[Kidd]

Your post of12/26 had me go back to your first post. New style of dress, high heels, hotwifeblog.com to allow me to find her what only can be described as a despicable and hateful post on that truely pronographic web site. The fact that she posted at the urging of J her latin lover is more disturbing. I'm afraid you were/are dealing with more than infidelity at least in your wife's mind.

 

Three questions for you to answer perhaps most appropriately in your own mind. What caused you to look up her blog, why did it take eight months and why is it still there?

 

I hope by the way she didn't use her real name.

 

I don't want to after three months come across as wanting to cause pain but I am typing as fast as I can with less thought than I'd like.

 

To answer your questions: During Christmas this last year, I noticed her doing a lot of texting on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day. I suspected that she couldn't avoid the temptation to wish the OM a happy holiday. The day after Christmas, I went into a personal email account of hers that she probably didn't know I knew about and certainly didn't expect I had a password for (I had become a skilled investigator). Her messages hadn't been read in months but I saw an email from a webmaster for the hotwife site. Just after Dday I had seen in her history that she had been to the site; she claimed that she had just read the stories there. As it turns out, the webmaster had used an old email from her to reply. The original email in the trail was from when she originally submitted the story. In the trail she had actually changed her name from her middle name to a new one to avoid my detection. As for why it is still there, either the webmaster declined to remove it or maybe she never asked. Doubt I will ever know.

[Kidd]

Next thought. You have kept to the path of wanting, hoping for reconcilliation. There was a former Supreme Court justice that when asked said "I don't know how to describe pornography but I know it when I see it". I will say to you that with your wife's almost two years of acting/living that horrible lifestyle whether real or not, (she did after all co-opt you into a revenge affair which validated her "actions" as she calls them) that you will need more than the standard infidelity web site examples necessary for reconcilliation.

 

Don't reconcile until you feel something you judge to be right for that choice.

 

I think I stayed initially for the same reasons that many do. I didn't immediately fall out of love with her. As well, the sense of shock leaves you thinking that somehow this must be able to be fixed; call it denial as that suits the explanation for most (Read any post by Drifter and he explains it with some eloquence). Honestly for me, I jut wasn't ready for the demise of our nuclear family after so many good years together. If I had to be the superhero to save the family, that's what I was prepared to do. Too bad there is no Reconciliation Man; I'm not a superhero. I started to type that TT also contributed to me staying (I didn't know the full truth until recently) but I don't think that it's true. I was devastated but was prepared to handle the truth. The TT is what stopped R.

[Kidd]

Lastly, is your son. He has seen and heard his parents arguing, burn a couch, get picked up and thrown out of his house, get arrested, get limited or no contact, gone swimming with his mother and sister at J's pool and who knows where else. He cannot accurately process these and other thoughts and experiences but in four or five years the pieces of the puzzle will fit and come into focus.

 

You must for both your sakes make his development your priority not the reconcilliation of your marriage. He needs your example and wisdom to be able to ultimately give and receive love with a woman. He will learn from you what to expect, what to endure and what to reject. I don't think your wife can or will do that even if she says don't do what I do but what I say.

 

He is what matters.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

 

Well, R won't be in the way. That effort has ended on both parts.

 

Fortunately, our son saw very little of our drama. This is confusing for him because he doesn't know that we had arguments. We had very few before Dday and none in front of the kids (before or after Dday). The kids barely ever saw us disagree. They slept thru the last incident but know of the couch (since the whole damn neighborhood saw our drama). I agree that my children are the priority now. For the time being, they will be told of the D, that they are not at fault, that we could not agree after seeing counselors and trying hard, and that we have decided to parent from separate households. This age is not the time for them to absorb more detail. I have many years to influence my son on everything, including relationships. He will be ok. Perhaps in the future I will decide to give him the truth of what has happened. I don't know yet. I have decided that it doesn't need to be now. Either way, my kids will always be the priority. I'm not perfect but I am a loving, involved father and don't shy away from the difficult conversations.

[Kidd]

Kidd,

 

Last thread? Hmmm...we'll miss you here. I feel like saying don't go...but I understand what it feels like. I had to take a few months' break because I felt like I was stuck in infidelity, OW issues and such. It helped to stay away because I was addicted, spending way too much time here. Anyway, I'm back now and I think less dependent on the site but I'm also enjoying it more.

 

About your W's blog... I looked at the site. I doubt that I read her blog specifically though. I just want to tell you that what she did is on her. I know it hurts, I know you still question what happened after all those years. However, it is all on her. People do the dumbest things and don't realize it for years. She will one day realize that only porn stars (at least in my mind) air their sex lives on the Internet for perpetuity.

 

Good luck with your life. I like that you've found a partner...for now. Yes, it may not be the "one" but hey...it's called moving on. There's no specific timeframe for these things. I'm almost 3 years separated and only now starting to see other people. It took me a while but I know some people who did it pretty fast and are happily M. So who knows? Just live your life without fear or anger. Get to that place of acceptance we hear about often.

 

Oh, and do come back once in a while. You can post on the Dating forum or the numerous others. Lots of people need your understanding and balanced approach.

 

Take care, Kidd.

 

Thanks Nemo. You always have something insightful to say. I look forward to a year from now when the D is behind me and we perhaps have a more established normal. The new relationship is tough (on her). She has had to endure some trust/hypervigilance leftovers. I have some "weird" thoughts about boundaries as far as "normal" people are concerned. But she gets it and is learning a whole new approach to honesty. We're both older and wiser; I hope we're wise enough. Still hard to have much faith in anyone. I feel like I will always live life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

Anyway, thanks. To better days...

[Kidd]

Thank you for your compliment!

 

It continues to be a part of my healing to help others who are now once in the same sitch I once was; many with few places to turn, or few expert enough to help them heal (yes, I agree many in the mental health field are woefully undertrained when it comes to infidelity.)

 

One last question:

 

It will be normal for you to grieve the loss of your marriage, the one you thought you had, and the one you were hoping to make stronger through reconciling.

 

I will not hold you to your answer, because not only is hindsight 20/20, it WILL get sharper and clearer the more time has passed, and your thoughts and feelings about this question may/will change.

 

BUT, right now, if you had to do it over again, is there anything you would have done differently?

 

What would that be?

 

Probably not fair to say what I would do differently in marriage. If I knew I was facing infidelity (or even if I weren't), I would change a lot about my approach to M.

 

As for my end of reconciling (which I think is your question), I would remove alcohol as a coping mechanism. The combination of severe emotional stress, alcohol, and the presence of my WW was a perfect storm. Wish I had seen that coming. We'd still be R. I also wish I could have avoided my "balance affair." but to this day, I don't know how I could release the anger and jealousy of the physical part of her affair. In a real way, it worked for me at the time but not enough and it certainly contributed to her throwing in the towel at the end. I also wish I had fired the MC early. My W was comfortable opening up to him (for a while she just couldn't handle the daily questions) and so I stayed. But he did more harm than good by not helping to hold her accountable but instead enabled her to rugsweep and TT. Regardless of my insistence, he never changed his approach. No professionals seem to "get it" like LS or SI.

 

Anyway, hope some of that helps to know. Catch you later.

[Lexygirl]

Hey Kidd.

I decided to chime in here.

I think that for anyone who keeps coming back to any community... whether it be online or irl, I think it comes down to the fact that ppl need to feel like they belong... somewhere and when it's regarding a subject that is close to your heart then we feel compelled to help and join in.

I do understand that this can get almost 'addictive' in nature so what we all need to remind ourselves of is that life is lived healthiest when there is balance.... which you are noticing now.

I was also posting and reading too much at one point and what I did was to find other things that were equally as interesting and fulfilling to do but also come on here the odd time to keep connected. Eventually you will just be able to read and not always comment and maybe comment the odd time when you feel it's absolutely necessary.

If you feel the need to completely step back from LS and the internet in general, that is also another way to go lol... and kudos if you can and do but honestly... don't feel it's 'wrong' to be involved in a supportive network. It's not.

 

Anyway... just my 2 cents.

 

God bless.

 

Lexy

[Kidd]

Kidd, thanks for all your help and support. It's very very valuable to me. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did I'm actually struggling with letting this place go as well. I do get some good feeling from helping others as well (like WFBACK) and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

I'm sure none of us will ever really leave, maybe just tone it down a bit ^^ Owl seems to have a good balance, maybe we should take that example.

 

Good luck man We all grow so I'm sure things will get better for you. Starting fresh has to be fun sometimes, and I know you've said that it is

 

Who is going to carry the official doormat/cuckold banner? I was passing it off to you, pal.

 

Keep doing what you think is right. Keep educating yourself, take what works for you and leave the rest (especially the haters) in the dust. Your wife seems like a real piece of work; if you can turn this situation around you will truly have done something of which you, your daughter, and your wife can be proud.

[Kidd]

Hey Kidd.

I decided to chime in here.

I think that for anyone who keeps coming back to any community... whether it be online or irl, I think it comes down to the fact that ppl need to feel like they belong... somewhere and when it's regarding a subject that is close to your heart then we feel compelled to help and join in.

I do understand that this can get almost 'addictive' in nature so what we all need to remind ourselves of is that life is lived healthiest when there is balance.... which you are noticing now.

I was also posting and reading too much at one point and what I did was to find other things that were equally as interesting and fulfilling to do but also come on here the odd time to keep connected. Eventually you will just be able to read and not always comment and maybe comment the odd time when you feel it's absolutely necessary.

If you feel the need to completely step back from LS and the internet in general, that is also another way to go lol... and kudos if you can and do but honestly... don't feel it's 'wrong' to be involved in a supportive network. It's not.

 

Anyway... just my 2 cents.

 

God bless.

 

Lexy

 

Thanks. I really have no disagreement with this. I found real value in proiding support here. I took pride in it and yes, I suppose I felt like I belonged. Hell, I felt like I had earned my place. I will return, hopefully in healthy moderation, and continue at some point. For now, I really need to find the next phase in life and this is keeping me in neutral. Wish I could do it in moderation now but it's just not working. I look forward to having the time to invest elsewhere.

 

Thanks for the supportive words and take care.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Who is going to carry the official doormat/cuckold banner? I was passing it off to you, pal.

 

Keep doing what you think is right. Keep educating yourself, take what works for you and leave the rest (especially the haters) in the dust. Your wife seems like a real piece of work; if you can turn this situation around you will truly have done something of which you, your daughter, and your wife can be proud.

Yayy CUDMs!

 

I may very well end up where you are down the line. I'm pretty disgusted with her and have a real hard time seeing myself with her for ever and ever...but I'm gonna do my damndest while I can and while my daughter is at such a vulnerable age.

 

I just hope I don't end up paying a lifetime of alimony if we D at the 25 year mark due to another A.

 

Anyway, have fun with your new GF Be good to your kids, that's the real challenge. You still have to deal with STBXW...pretty much forever Hope you can forgive each other enough to be good parents.

[2.50 a gallon]

Kidd

 

I am in a totally different situation. My divorce took place almost 3 decades ago.

 

I am in a long term, very loving relationship with a woman who is totally out of my league.The reason that I first conctacted LS had nothing to do with a fading or losing relationship. However, I have found this and the Separeted and Divorce section to be most helpful. As it made me realize that I had reached a point where I was just starting to take her for granted. It was a wake up call that I needed to make changes if I wanted the relationship to grow.

 

I have since changed my ways, and made many little changes, such as purchasing a picnic basket, for us to have an occassional outing. I listen to her more, pay her more compliments, and thankfully the relationship has grown even stronger.

 

In a sense I use the boards to wake me up as to how lucky I have it, and how to keep this relationship growing stronger.

 

In short I use these boards to learn how to prevent a possible future melt down.

[Kidd]

Kidd

 

I am in a totally different situation. My divorce took place almost 3 decades ago.

 

I am in a long term, very loving relationship with a woman who is totally out of my league.The reason that I first conctacted LS had nothing to do with a fading or losing relationship. However, I have found this and the Separeted and Divorce section to be most helpful. As it made me realize that I had reached a point where I was just starting to take her for granted. It was a wake up call that I needed to make changes if I wanted the relationship to grow.

 

I have since changed my ways, and made many little changes, such as purchasing a picnic basket, for us to have an occassional outing. I listen to her more, pay her more compliments, and thankfully the relationship has grown even stronger.

 

In a sense I use the boards to wake me up as to how lucky I have it, and how to keep this relationship growing stronger.

 

In short I use these boards to learn how to prevent a possible future melt down.

 

I hear you. After reading here, other forums, and about 15 books on surviving infidelity and growing a marriage, I am a lot smarter about relationships now. The woman I am with now has similarly learned from her failed marriage. I have, first of all, learned to deal with any problem head-first with a proactive approach. I will not let my frustrations build into resentment. I we even get a twinge of discomfort about something, we talk about it. I will also not lead a completely kid-centric life anymore. We have to stay connected and hopefully I've learned something about meeting a woman's needs. It's really sad that now I have all of these tools, it's too late to reconcile. But it definitely takes two to make a M work, not one person that's not even sure he's ready anymore.

 

You may be right about a switch to the other forums here. For now though, I need to focus on real-life rather than helping what amount to be trolls half the time. Peace to you.

[Kidd]

Kidd, in reading your wife's blog post--and this is something that might not be visible to you right now--I don't think there's anything you could have done to change the final outcome.

 

The point is you seem to have some degree of regrets over what you did/didn't do in response to finding out about her affair, that you think if you had handled differently, may have had a different outcome than divorce.

 

In a lot of affair situations this might be otherwise, but given the insight into your wife's true inner character provided by the blog post, I don't think there's anything you could have done to have made any real difference.

 

Your wife comes off as a cynical "user" in that blog post with no real consideration for anyone else's feelings. Remember this is your wife revealing what she deems to be "her true inner self" with no holds barred.

 

She makes a comment--a confession, really--early on in the blog post where she states she wasn't sure if she could stay monogamous, really commit to the marriage, even from the very start. What that really means is that she isn't, wasn't, and never really was committed to the marriage in the first place.

 

There are many cases in which a person has an over-idealized vision of what marriage is but over the years becomes disillusioned possibly falling into an affair. But that is NOT what your wife expressed in her blog post.

 

It makes it sound like she got married in spite of her inability to fully commit, not because she ever had that ability.

 

She expressed surprised that she had gone into the marriage as long as ten years without having cheated previously. That means she never really had an expectation of a lifetime monogamous commitment from the very beginning of things.

 

I can see why you got so angry when you found out about the blog post and what she did on the couch, and frankly you showed remarkable restraint, I probably would have wanted to burn down the whole house, not just the couch.

 

The website she posted on is kind of gross (understatement) but she said she posted it at the prompting of her boss/affair partner. She knows he's reading it and wanted her to post something very flattering to him so she complied with that.

 

Since nothing you posted about your wife suggests she suffers from some severe form of organic brain damage, my conclusion is that your wife had this affair with her boss and posted in response to his request as a completely cynical career move. At some point she basically decided to f*ck her way to the top.

 

All her over-the-top 70's style- bad porno dialog strikes me as just so much gilding the lily, written for the benefit of her boss, and not really reflective of her actual subjective experience of the encounter. Again really cynical on her part.

 

I would urge you to take screenshots and make printouts of that blog posting as well as all other emails and evidence you have of this affair, and why your marriage is ending, make multiple copies, and hide in several different places complete sets of each copy, including in a safe deposit box and scan and upload to the cloud in various internet accounts.

 

This is not about being the bigger man, it's about preserving an accurate historical record in case it's ever needed or wanted. That blog post could disappear tomorrow so you should preserve it.

 

Some point in the future, maybe ten twenty or thirty years from now, one of your kids may want to know what really happened. And, at that time, you may want to tell them. Or show them.

 

I hear you entirely and have processed through everything you said. It really was such a devastating blow that I was skeptical of there being anything to salvage the M at that point. It did speak to her character. My question would have been about whether or not people can change. Who knows? Kinda irrelevant now anyway.

 

As for the blog, I did print a copy of her dialogue with the webmaster which included her submission. I have shown restraint in keeping it pretty private and not damaging her reputation/career. It has been tough to have her family tell me how reprehensible my actions were and to not share their daughter's reprehensible actions but I am not out for revenge. My only concern is that she continues to want primary custody of the children. If she continues to cite examples of when I have been a questionable parent, I will be forced to cite this blog, the fact that she took my kids to the OM house, and perhaps even file a civil lawsuit against her and OM for the infidelity (Florida still has such laws on the books - I would spend more money than I would get back). It would have little impact on the divorce except to establish that I am certainly no worse of a parent (and the state is very pro 50/50) but I think the potential for a very public lawsuit might be enough to deter her from taking this too far (and thus, she would be forced to accept 50/50). I am really trying not to go here. I much prefer an amicable relationship going forward but if she tries to keep my children away, I have nothing to lose since I have lost everything else.

Edited April 10, 2012 by Kidd

[Spark1111]

I hear you entirely and have processed through everything you said. It really was such a devastating blow that I was skeptical of there being anything to salvage the M at that point. It did speak to her character. My question would have been about whether or not people can change. Who knows? Kinda irrelevant now anyway.

 

As for the blog, I did print a copy of her dialogue with the webmaster which included her submission. I have shown restraint in keeping it pretty private and not damaging her reputation/career. It has been tough to have her family tell me how reprehensible my actions were and to not share their daughter's reprehensible actions but I am not out for revenge. My only concern is that she continues to want primary custody of the children. If she continues to cite examples of when I have been a questionable parent, I will be forced to cite this blog, the fact that she took my kids to the OM house, and perhaps even file a civil lawsuit against her and OM for the infidelity (Florida still has such laws on the books - I would spend more money than I would get back). It would have little impact on the divorce except to establish that I am certainly no worse of a parent (and the state is very pro 50/50) but I think the potential for a very public lawsuit might be enough to deter her from taking this too far (and thus, she would be forced to accept 50/50). I am really trying not to go here. I much prefer an amicable relationship going forward but if she tries to keep my children away, I have nothing to lose since I have lost everything else.

 

That is very rational and logical planning, IMO.

 

Absolutely no one was going to take my children or malign me to them. For that reason alone, I kept every piece of written proof I had locked away for a very long time.

 

That is called parental alienation and it is becoming against the law in many states.

 

You cannot disparage the other parent in front of them as it causes untold psychological harm.

 

But, you can do whatever is reasonable and within your power to gain as much time with them as possible if you truly believe you are the more stable influence.

 

Good luck!

[Kidd]

For obvious reasons the bolded cannot be allowed to happen without a (legal) fight. She is looking at the custody issue from a monetary angle not what is best for the children. She will get more child support from you if she is awarded primary custody. Anyone who could do what she has done to the father of her children ultimately doesn't really care about the welfare of the father or of the children. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but all those times she appeared to be playing the part of the perfect mom she was doing just that, giving an Oscar-winning performance.

 

The way to handle the blog post and use it to leverage the divorce and custody situation without disclosing it further than it needs to be is to have your attorney send out a request for admissions, with a copy of the blog post attached. The attorney's pleading asks whether the writing is genuine and authentic and whether she is the one who wrote it. This pretty much cooks her goose, but as your back up plan, you have your attorney simultaneously send records supboenas to the website for ALL of her blog postings (using whatever her various screen names and accounts were). This will cost a little bit of money but the website has no reason not to comply, and when her attorney gets a copy of the subpoena to the website, will have to sit her down and tell her denial is just a river in Egypt, because ultimately all the screen names and email addresses can be tracked back to her.

 

Additionally you have your attorney send a records subpoena to your wife/her affair partner's mutual employer for all e-mails and other electronic documentation pertaining to you, her, or him, and the situation, as typically people who engage in stupid behavior often use the convenience of the office email account to do it. It is almost guaranteed that perhaps after some amount of legal struggling between your lawyer, your wife, and the corporation, they will have to cough up the goods. There is a very good likelihood you will find some real smoking guns among those e-mails.

 

Discovery requests and responses in a legal case is typically not filed in the court file unless for some reason it needs to be attached to a motion or a pleading. Therefore no one else has to know about the blog post. However if your wife wants to contest what you feel is a fair disposition then she and her attorney will have to know "it's all coming into evidence." If this sucker goes to trial than all of her dirty laundry is going to be a part of the public record.

 

The blog post is really your obvious ace in the whole and you need to let your lawyer use it on your behalf in a smart strategic fashion.

 

Ordinarily courts don't want to hear about affairs and don't deem them relevant to custody. However the circumstances and contents of your wife's blog post are so twisted and sick that a good attorney can use it as evidence that your wife might be an unfit primary custodian. Not conclusive but it sure is enough to open the door to allow your attorney to file a motion to force your wife to be subjected to a psychological evaluation by your chosen expert witness.

 

Now obviously all this gets to be quite expensive, and hopefully it doesn't get that far, but the problem your wife really has from a strategic standpoint is the more that comes out, the worse her litigation position gets. There is no "good news" for her. Her position "peaked" when you did what you did upon finding the blog post.

 

The revelation that this blog post might end up in the public court record and then be further disseminated, thus completely destroying your wife's completely phony image as a good wife/good mother/good Catholic, will have the further benefit of catastrophically undermining what is a very likely her tenuous grasp on reality.

 

She will be left with two and only two choices: 1) Cave to your reasonable demands in the divorce including custody issues, which is a "win" for you, because she will forever also have the looming spectre of the blog post becoming public knowledge to keep her in line; 2) Deny reality, implode, self-destruct, short circuit, which is also a "win" for you.

 

All you need to do is maintain a cool calm calculating head, do everything by the book, do not let your guard down, find a way to blow off steam that doesn't get you into trouble when you need to blow off steam, which you will, let your attorney do his job, support your children no matter what, and let your wife travel unimpeded down the spiraling catastrophe that she has made out of her life.

 

She has already sealed her fate and it is a tragic fate, her own actions and choices have sealed that fate even though you might not be able to see it and she surely can't see it. What is imperative is that you don't let her drag you down with her.

 

Your wife is what? 39 now? Believe it or not she is running on fumes psychologically. The blog post seems to show that she has invested her entire "identity" in her perceived ability to attract some horny sc*mbag (as if that is a major accomplishment or something?) No matter how attractive she might be as a 39 year old, how well preserved, time and age will chase her down. Only someone who is really messed up in the head would degrade herself the way your wife did (sorry but it's true). People who are that messed up either take active steps to fix things or they get a lot worse over time. Your wife is in fantasy la la land where she can do whatever she wants with no consequences but that's just a fantasy.

 

There are always consequences.

 

It looks like she is going to have to learn the hard way and you need to be one of her tutors.

 

There is a lot here and I can't comment on it all from an iPhone. Short story...if we can't reach an amicable settlement out of court that provides 50/50 custody, if she can't agree, it will come to this and I will take these kinds of actions. I think she will fold far beforehand as she is afraid of nothing more than the truth coming out. Even with my RA, I couldn't care less about the truth coming out.

[Kidd]

That is very rational and logical planning, IMO.

 

Absolutely no one was going to take my children or malign me to them. For that reason alone, I kept every piece of written proof I had locked away for a very long time.

 

That is called parental alienation and it is becoming against the law in many states.

 

You cannot disparage the other parent in front of them as it causes untold psychological harm.

 

But, you can do whatever is reasonable and within your power to gain as much time with them as possible if you truly believe you are the more stable influence.

 

Good luck!

 

The courts also do not look kindly on a spouse that disparages the parent in front of the children. This is beside the fact that a 9 and a 5 year-old can't handle any where near the truth of this mess. We'll see what I tell them at 18, if ever. I am documenting it so I can share it accurately in the event I ever make such a decision (including my own contributions). Otherwise, I'm just trying to be a good Dad. I won't give up on 50/50.

[analystfromhell]

I think I've gone through the whole thread but in case it hasn't come up (apologize if I missed it) a Guardian Ad Lidem is an invaluable process for dads. The courts are so overloaded, biased and generally ADD like they don't spend really anytime on the particulars of a case and of course actual trials are brutally expensive.

 

A GAL will run you a few thousand maybe but save you much more in legal fees and ensure the court gets an impartial view of what's best for the kids (as opposed to what enriches one party). You'll have to check into the reps of the GALS as some are better than others but if you can find a good one they'll both help a LOT with an even handed presentation and recommendation for custody to the court AND help the kids and both adults deal with the proceedings.

 

In a trial it's all he said/she said none of which is very productive.... A GAL brings a more reasoned perspective and ours was also very good at shutting down one of the muck-racking attorneys (my wife felt she needed two) interested only in enraging the parties and drawing things out so they'd get more fee..

[Steen719]

I hear you entirely and have processed through everything you said. It really was such a devastating blow that I was skeptical of there being anything to salvage the M at that point. It did speak to her character. My question would have been about whether or not people can change. Who knows? Kinda irrelevant now anyway.

 

As for the blog, I did print a copy of her dialogue with the webmaster which included her submission. I have shown restraint in keeping it pretty private and not damaging her reputation/career. It has been tough to have her family tell me how reprehensible my actions were and to not share their daughter's reprehensible actions but I am not out for revenge. My only concern is that she continues to want primary custody of the children. If she continues to cite examples of when I have been a questionable parent, I will be forced to cite this blog, the fact that she took my kids to the OM house, and perhaps even file a civil lawsuit against her and OM for the infidelity (Florida still has such laws on the books - I would spend more money than I would get back). It would have little impact on the divorce except to establish that I am certainly no worse of a parent (and the state is very pro 50/50) but I think the potential for a very public lawsuit might be enough to deter her from taking this too far (and thus, she would be forced to accept 50/50). I am really trying not to go here. I much prefer an amicable relationship going forward but if she tries to keep my children away, I have nothing to lose since I have lost everything else.

 

I live in Florida, also. I'm not sure if this is still true, but I think the statute says a wife who commits adultery cannot receive alimony. Not sure if it addressed husbands, but it says that (or used to, at least) and also there can be imprisonment. I know there were challenges to this, so again, I am not sure if it is still relevant.

 

I admire your restraint and that you are most concerned for your kids.

[Kidd]

I live in Florida, also. I'm not sure if this is still true, but I think the statute says a wife who commits adultery cannot receive alimony. Not sure if it addressed husbands, but it says that (or used to, at least) and also there can be imprisonment. I know there were challenges to this, so again, I am not sure if it is still relevant.

 

I admire your restraint and that you are most concerned for your kids.

 

No palimony for me to pay. She makes more and has more of the marital assets in her name. She's more likely to pay me UNLESS she gets more custody. I can sue for the infidelity but it's just to make up her expenditures or my lost wages over it. I would spend more on the atty. However, she has cited my domestic violence injunction as a related case and so I am very tempted to list a civil infidelity suit as a related case to balance things and show that it can get messy for her, too. She just needs to accept the 50/50. I won't stop short of it.

[Kidd]

I think I've gone through the whole thread but in case it hasn't come up (apologize if I missed it) a Guardian Ad Lidem is an invaluable process for dads. The courts are so overloaded, biased and generally ADD like they don't spend really anytime on the particulars of a case and of course actual trials are brutally expensive.

 

A GAL will run you a few thousand maybe but save you much more in legal fees and ensure the court gets an impartial view of what's best for the kids (as opposed to what enriches one party). You'll have to check into the reps of the GALS as some are better than others but if you can find a good one they'll both help a LOT with an even handed presentation and recommendation for custody to the court AND help the kids and both adults deal with the proceedings.

 

In a trial it's all he said/she said none of which is very productive.... A GAL brings a more reasoned perspective and ours was also very good at shutting down one of the muck-racking attorneys (my wife felt she needed two) interested only in enraging the parties and drawing things out so they'd get more fee..

 

Never heard of it but we actually both chose very reasonable attorneys. We both knew cutthroat people and intentionally did not choose them. I give her credit for that for sure and so far this isn't about money. Her initial offer was more than reasonable in that regard but she wanted 70/30 custody and I believe she legitimately wants to give the kids a stable "home" during the school week. I don't want a divided household for them either; she should have though of that before she, um, divided the household. I think it's equally or even more important for them to have their father's influence. Florida has a big history of agreeing unless I am truly a demonstrable danger to the kids. We can do it the easy way and land at 50/50 or the hard way and land at 50/50. I hope she agrees before it gets messier.