Kidd Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 It's Easter Sunday and I find myself missing my family today. It's a workday for me and I am the only person in the office. My STBXW has the kids today and is surely spending the holiday with the inlaws and kids in traditional fashion. I will work a short day and then return to my apartment to work on my financial disclosure paperwork for the D. It is admittedly depressing, much like my uncelebrated 12-year wedding anniversary. I joined LS almost exactly a year ago. Thanks to my W's affair and my inability to keep my cool, she has filed for D and we're in the midst of making it happen. There is no changing her mind, not that I have made much of an effort. We will soon tell the children. I have returned to my AP from my RA and we're making a go of it. Go figure. So, the cards have all been dealt and I have a pretty good idea how they will all be played. It is what it is. The problem is that I am still here. I am still obsessed with infidelity. I have no idea what I am searching for. Why am I reading and responding to posts? Every spare minute I have is spent here. It is a huge distraction from my responsibilities (work, children, divorce, new girlfriend). I have no questions and need no advice. I suppose there is something in me that wants to help others but I find myself focused on waywards. Perhaps I want to help "fix" them since my virtual PhD in infidelity was unable to help me fix my WW or salvage my own M. I'm not sure. I'm also not sure any of it benefits me anymore. I could justify the time spent when I was trying to R my M. Now it just seems like an irresponsible time-killer to sit and read about one devastated family after another. To what end? At the moment, it seems simply unhealthy. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is time to begin to detach from here but I feel a need for closure with this community. I'm not in the mood to tell my whole story but for those that care to ask, I'll gladly answer questions. So I open up the floor to you. I'm not seeking any advice, counsel, or answer to a question. Yet, I invite your dialogue and comments as I start to break away and begin what I hope is a decent life of some kind after this whole debacle. I need to also say goodbyes to those that have been so helpful, each in their own way - Owl, Drifter, Spark (oh, if you were single), Frozen, What_Next/Tech_E (miss him), 2Sunny (honestly), Mz. Pixie, Silktricks, and most recently, Ninja'sHusband. I apologize if I have missed someone. So, what say you? Last words of wisdom?
Try Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Sorry to see you go. I for one will miss your comments and perspective. Be well.
Author Kidd Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Sorry to see you go. I for one will miss your comments and perspective. Be well. Appreciate the kind words. Best to you and yours.
Bellechica Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Kidd, I haven't known you for long but thank you for your advice even if it's falling on my deaf ears. All the best to you with your children and your new relationship. I wish you happiness.....
Author Kidd Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Kidd, I haven't known you for long but thank you for your advice even if it's falling on my deaf ears. All the best to you with your children and your new relationship. I wish you happiness..... Thanks Belle. I was sorry to see your somewhat depressed post from today, too. Good luck to you and your family, whatever path you choose - but you should choose to tell him (eventually).
firemanq Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Been there, done that 25 + years ago. The pain is gone, but the effects remain. I still have difficulty relating to my girlfriend of 20 + years. She is good to me, and has never given me any reason to doubt her. But last month, the girls went to a bar for dinner after work. I had to really work on not going to the bar and dragging her ass out. I have never gotten any bad vibes from her. She trusts me, and never gives me a hard time when am out of town working. She even encourages her daughter & I to go hunting together for a week at a time. One day, you will see someone and things will really get better. You will find a great woman who will definatly help you heal. Unless you are complete *******, you will find more than one who will help you heal. Over time, your kids will find out you are not the person the x-wife claims you are. The kids may even find out the x-wife is a horrible person. Mine did. 2
Forever Learning Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) Good luck to you! And, never say never. Maybe you will be able to come back now and then to help others, with your new found wisdom in life. It feels good to help others, and it's also good Karma, if you believe in that. I've found, there's always more to learn, the learning process never ends. Regarding too many visits here - as in so many things in life - all things in moderation. Cheers! Edited April 8, 2012 by Forever Learning
Author Kidd Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Been there, done that 25 + years ago. The pain is gone, but the effects remain. I still have difficulty relating to my girlfriend of 20 + years. She is good to me, and has never given me any reason to doubt her. But last month, the girls went to a bar for dinner after work. I had to really work on not going to the bar and dragging her ass out. I have never gotten any bad vibes from her. She trusts me, and never gives me a hard time when am out of town working. She even encourages her daughter & I to go hunting together for a week at a time. One day, you will see someone and things will really get better. You will find a great woman who will definatly help you heal. Unless you are complete *******, you will find more than one who will help you heal. Over time, your kids will find out you are not the person the x-wife claims you are. The kids may even find out the x-wife is a horrible person. Mine did. If anyone would have predicted any of this in my life a year ago, would have said they were crazy. In a bizarre way, I take some solace in knowing that it happens all the time. Never saw myself being part of the 50%. I feel for my kids but they're now just part of the 50% now, too, I suppose. We'll live and eventually thrive.
Author Kidd Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Good luck to you! And, never say never. Maybe you will be able to come back now and then to help others, with your new found wisdom in life. It feels good to help others, and it's also good Karma, if you believe in that. I've found, there's always more to learn, the learning process never ends. Regarding too many visits here - as in so many things in life - all things in moderation. Cheers! Nicely balanced post. Thank you. I tried to do this several times during R but my PTSD had a serious hold. This time I truly need a break; the daily (minute-to-minute?) pattern has to be broken. I do look forward to the days when I can return in moderation. Well said. 1
drifter777 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 It's Easter Sunday and I find myself missing my family today. It's a workday for me and I am the only person in the office. My STBXW has the kids today and is surely spending the holiday with the inlaws and kids in traditional fashion. I will work a short day and then return to my apartment to work on my financial disclosure paperwork for the D. It is admittedly depressing, much like my uncelebrated 12-year wedding anniversary. I joined LS almost exactly a year ago. Thanks to my W's affair and my inability to keep my cool, she has filed for D and we're in the midst of making it happen. There is no changing her mind, not that I have made much of an effort. We will soon tell the children. I have returned to my AP from my RA and we're making a go of it. Go figure. So, the cards have all been dealt and I have a pretty good idea how they will all be played. It is what it is. The problem is that I am still here. I am still obsessed with infidelity. I have no idea what I am searching for. Why am I reading and responding to posts? Every spare minute I have is spent here. It is a huge distraction from my responsibilities (work, children, divorce, new girlfriend). I have no questions and need no advice. I suppose there is something in me that wants to help others but I find myself focused on waywards. Perhaps I want to help "fix" them since my virtual PhD in infidelity was unable to help me fix my WW or salvage my own M. I'm not sure. I'm also not sure any of it benefits me anymore. I could justify the time spent when I was trying to R my M. Now it just seems like an irresponsible time-killer to sit and read about one devastated family after another. To what end? At the moment, it seems simply unhealthy. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is time to begin to detach from here but I feel a need for closure with this community. I'm not in the mood to tell my whole story but for those that care to ask, I'll gladly answer questions. So I open up the floor to you. I'm not seeking any advice, counsel, or answer to a question. Yet, I invite your dialogue and comments as I start to break away and begin what I hope is a decent life of some kind after this whole debacle. I need to also say goodbyes to those that have been so helpful, each in their own way - Owl, Drifter, Spark (oh, if you were single), Frozen, What_Next/Tech_E (miss him), 2Sunny (honestly), Mz. Pixie, Silktricks, and most recently, Ninja'sHusband. I apologize if I have missed someone. So, what say you? Last words of wisdom? Kidd: The wake left by your wife's affair is still rocking your world. It's ok, man. It's only been a year, and real healing takes a long time. I hope you are simply entering the next phase of your recovery and I wish you the best. Contributing here does not have to take so much time and energy from you, but if it is then you should take a break. There may come a time when returning here to offer advice will feel good for you. I hope the day comes for you when you will be at peace with all of this. 2
Forever Learning Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Nicely balanced post. Thank you. I tried to do this several times during R but my PTSD had a serious hold. This time I truly need a break; the daily (minute-to-minute?) pattern has to be broken. I do look forward to the days when I can return in moderation. Well said. No need to explain anything regarding your thought process on this. A break from here is a great idea, everyone should take a long break from here now and then, and whether or not you return, it's all good. I took one a while back, and it was a very good idea. Will do so again someday as well. Change is good. What is the saying? Something like "Never explain, your friends won't need it and your enemies won't believe you anyway". Something like that. Cheers again!
frozensprouts Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Kidd, you've had a really rough go of things, and I think you already know what my opinion is of how your wife treated you, so I won't repeat it here:laugh:... recovery will take time, and, sad to say, i think that the "blind trust" in your partner ( whether it's your wayward spouse, or someone new) can begone forever after you experience a partner's cheating...but, the good thing is that you can learn to trust them again ( just not blindly)... too bad you are leaving, as you have a lot of wisdom to share and you have been really helpful to a lot of people... but i understand that you feel it's time for you to go..keep plugging away at building your new life...onwards and upwards! maybe you'll come back some day and let us know how you are doing...I fully expect that you'll be telling us that you have moved on, and things are good in your life...you're a really good guy, and you deserve the best life has to offer you:) 1
Steadfast Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I'm no physiologist but IMO you're obsessing. One year out and you're in another relationship? Not even divorced yet? How many times have you read it takes on average three years to 'recover' from divorce? Especially if you really, deeply loved the person you lost. And by recover, I mean a returning of your passions and not equating everything you do in life to the past. I've asked it a hundred times; what's the rush? The last thing you need is the pressure of another relationship. You are not ready. No question, IMO, it's slowing your healing. Kidd, I'm four years out and its clear I'll carry parts of this with me for the rest of my life. There's no shame in that, and there's no shame in leaning on friends for support and encouragement. But, at some point it'll be in your best interest to return the favor. You've started already. As for the LS compulsion, I think we've all found comfort relating to others in a similar situation. In many ways, it's much better than attending a group function in person. But don't allow it of affect your work. In all things, find a balance. Above all (as I see it) the key function or positive of LS is it allows us to help others, and helping others is perhaps the healthiest, most therapeutic thing we can do for ourselves. Take a breath friend! One thing at a time. 1
Author Kidd Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 Kidd, you've had a really rough go of things, and I think you already know what my opinion is of how your wife treated you, so I won't repeat it here:laugh:... recovery will take time, and, sad to say, i think that the "blind trust" in your partner ( whether it's your wayward spouse, or someone new) can begone forever after you experience a partner's cheating...but, the good thing is that you can learn to trust them again ( just not blindly)... too bad you are leaving, as you have a lot of wisdom to share and you have been really helpful to a lot of people... but i understand that you feel it's time for you to go..keep plugging away at building your new life...onwards and upwards! maybe you'll come back some day and let us know how you are doing...I fully expect that you'll be telling us that you have moved on, and things are good in your life...you're a really good guy, and you deserve the best life has to offer you:) I would be very surprised if I don't come back but for now, this is the only thread I am reading and once it dies off, I need to make a definitive break for a least a few months. I need the time and focus on my children and new life. I certainly hope I get a chance to reconnect upon my return. You support has been invaluable. 1
Author Kidd Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 I'm no physiologist but IMO you're obsessing. One year out and you're in another relationship? Not even divorced yet? How many times have you read it takes on average three years to 'recover' from divorce? Especially if you really, deeply loved the person you lost. And by recover, I mean a returning of your passions and not equating everything you do in life to the past. I've asked it a hundred times; what's the rush? The last thing you need is the pressure of another relationship. You are not ready. No question, IMO, it's slowing your healing. Kidd, I'm four years out and its clear I'll carry parts of this with me for the rest of my life. There's no shame in that, and there's no shame in leaning on friends for support and encouragement. But, at some point it'll be in your best interest to return the favor. You've started already. As for the LS compulsion, I think we've all found comfort relating to others in a similar situation. In many ways, it's much better than attending a group function in person. But don't allow it of affect your work. In all things, find a balance. Above all (as I see it) the key function or positive of LS is it allows us to help others, and helping others is perhaps the healthiest, most therapeutic thing we can do for ourselves. Take a breath friend! One thing at a time. I don't know much about divorce and I'm currently getting schooled in it as my W is ahead of the curve and I am behind (thanks to those great thoughts of reconciliation after my blow-up). Oh well, I don't regret it. As for my new relationship, I have had a need for external validation my entire life (FOO) and I'm learning more about codependency. The blow to my ego from being so rejected and tossed away by my W left me pretty vulnerable to any attention and this new woman is into me in every way possible. Is it the bes case scenario? I highly doubt it; it would have been better to heal on my own. But I won't be walking away from her because of timing. I do appreciate the comments and you have indeed been Steadfast for quite a while. Take care of yourself. 1
Author Kidd Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 I agree that someone in your shoes should certainly not be giving relationship advice to anyone else. I think you shouldn't hold back; just come out and say what you mean.
SandieBeach Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I don't know much about divorce and I'm currently getting schooled in it as my W is ahead of the curve and I am behind (thanks to those great thoughts of reconciliation after my blow-up). Oh well, I don't regret it. As for my new relationship, I have had a need for external validation my entire life (FOO) and I'm learning more about codependency. The blow to my ego from being so rejected and tossed away by my W left me pretty vulnerable to any attention and this new woman is into me in every way possible. Is it the bes case scenario? I highly doubt it; it would have been better to heal on my own. But I won't be walking away from her because of timing. I do appreciate the comments and you have indeed been Steadfast for quite a while. Take care of yourself. I think it's great that you are this self-aware. That way it may be easier to recognize when you have serious feelings for someone new, or if you are just with that person to feel better about yourself. On a different note, I have only been on LS for about a month, and you, along with other posters have helped me tremendously sort out some of my emotions. I think it's nice to have a unanimous community as a sounding board, but if you are spending every free moment reading the posts without getting anything productive out of it, it makes sense to pull back. I certainly appreciate your comments. I could definitely feel your pain in many of your posts, but I never felt the comments were bitter or unrealistic. So, thank you! 1
Author Kidd Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 I think it's great that you are this self-aware. That way it may be easier to recognize when you have serious feelings for someone new, or if you are just with that person to feel better about yourself. On a different note, I have only been on LS for about a month, and you, along with other posters have helped me tremendously sort out some of my emotions. I think it's nice to have a unanimous community as a sounding board, but if you are spending every free moment reading the posts without getting anything productive out of it, it makes sense to pull back. I certainly appreciate your comments. I could definitely feel your pain in many of your posts, but I never felt the comments were bitter or unrealistic. So, thank you! Thanks Sandi. After all I have been through, I still believe it is a good and noble effort to try to reconcile a marriage after infidelity. There can be a time to end it but I find your efforts to be truly honoring your vows and that you should feel proud of what you are doing. I hope your WH does the right thing, keeps doing it, and that your marriage thrives. 1
Owl Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Kidd, I wish you nothing but the best. My only advice to you...is some obvious stuff that we can always be reminded of. There's no "destination" here. It's the journey that matters. Make your life the best journey you can make it be. There is no "we're here" moment, at least not one you can stop and enjoy. So enjoy now, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids...help them enjoy their journey too. Wish you the best, compadre mio. 1
twosadthings Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Kidd, I see your final post and have tried to reply with three months of thoughts and when I hit send I am told I am not logged in I guess I must be getting timed out. I'll deal with sitting on my thoughts and just wish you and yours good luck Two sad things P.S. If you ever have a meaningful conversation with your wife about her blog post and not that she'd care, please tell her that it made someone she never met and never will very sad. 1
Spark1111 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Hi Kidd! Sorry to see you go.... But I do understand. Are you still in IC? Maybe you should be. It can help you during this time. It could help the kids too. You have had one helluva a year and your rollercoaster is still ongoing and will be for awhile. You just have to accept it. I realized well into the process that whether we succesfully reconciled or divorced, many of the feelings would have remained the same and so would the time it took to regain balance and perspective; to truly feel strong and in control of my life again, with or without him. Know matter what I knew logically, it would still take my emotions 2 to 5 years to catch up to my brain and it was some scary ride to feel so out of control or scared or sad or angry unexpectedly....but that is what feelings do. They ride the overlapping rollercoaster until they have processed the trauma completely, and then settle down into strength and acceptance. As for your LS obssession, it's normal. I liken it to battle-shocked war veterans who still meet 40 years later to discuss the atrocities they witnessed and endured together and the horrific events leading up to them. Why? Because these are events you cannot discuss in polite company after a respectable period of time, with friends and family, and still get the same validation or brickbats as here. Only those who have been in the very same trenches of infidelity will understand completely and perfectly the range of emotions you carry with you every day, and will for a very long time. So you have to both deal effectively with the recent, traumatizing past as you plan to forge a new future; one with new traditions for the holidays, parenting of your children, and new romantic relationships. So take your break and start living in your new reality; try to find moments of joy in the coming uncertainty and relish them. We are all rooting for you to live happily ever after! But if you ever need to come back here to talk to fellow soldier-in-arms...... we will be here.
Author Kidd Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 Kidd, I see your final post and have tried to reply with three months of thoughts and when I hit send I am told I am not logged in I guess I must be getting timed out. I'll deal with sitting on my thoughts and just wish you and yours good luck Two sad things P.S. If you ever have a meaningful conversation with your wife about her blog post and not that she'd care, please tell her that it made someone she never met and never will very sad. I used to have the same problem. I think you need to enable cookies in order to not lose a long typed post. Used to drive me crazy. If that doesn't work or you don't know how, I started just copying my post before I would post my reply. In the case that it won't go, at least you could quickly paste it into a new post that wouldn't get timed out. You've been waiting a long time to write and it's half the reason I started this so if you have another attempt in you, I'd like to hear what you have to say. As for my wife and I, I doubt we will ever discuss infidelity again but the darn thing sure made me sad. What a waste of 19 years together to have her affair start that way. I can't imagine the depravity it became afterwards. Honestly, the physical affair doesn't even bother me; it's just that she couldn't commit to honesty after the fact to salvage our marriage for us and our children. I could forgive the acts themselves but I couldn't commit my life anew to someone that would still lie to me. Not that it's relevant since she can't get over what I have done. The towel is thrown in.
Author Kidd Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 Kidd, I wish you nothing but the best. My only advice to you...is some obvious stuff that we can always be reminded of. There's no "destination" here. It's the journey that matters. Make your life the best journey you can make it be. There is no "we're here" moment, at least not one you can stop and enjoy. So enjoy now, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids...help them enjoy their journey too. Wish you the best, compadre mio. Thanks Owl. I never could get that lesson through my skull throughout the R. I was so task-oriented on the end goal that I couldn't stand the failure it felt like in the short-term. Wish I had focused more on the present and the journey but that's tough to do in the heat of the moment. Anyway, thanks again. I suspect I will catch you later.
twosadthings Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Kidd, I'm too old to get technical at this stage of my life. Probably pround of it too. I also get hung up on syntax, spelling and avoiding typos and that's why I'm getting timed out. I'm going to present my thoughts in bites from least important, at least to me, to the most. Twosadthings
twosadthings Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Your post of12/26 had me go back to your first post. New style of dress, high heels, hotwifeblog.com to allow me to find her what only can be described as a despicable and hateful post on that truely pronographic web site. The fact that she posted at the urging of J her latin lover is more disturbing. I'm afraid you were/are dealing with more than infidelity at least in your wife's mind. Three questions for you to answer perhaps most appropriately in your own mind. What caused you to look up her blog, why did it take eight months and why is it still there? I hope by the way she didn't use her real name. I don't want to after three months come across as wanting to cause pain but I am typing as fast as I can with less thought than I'd like.
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