dasein Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 It's not going to help her, and if they do get back together, the guilt is going to reverberate. If you gotta do it, do it out of his place.
Author tigressA Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 Holy f*ck I didn't know this would turn into such a s*itstorm. A few things: We are over. Completely. He is EX-BF. He has flip-flopped so much in the last 2-3 days he has convinced me he is completely insane and I have no desire to be with someone like that, 31 years old with the mindset of a 15-year-old finicky teenage girl. I am moving out by the end of this month, hopefully. If I can't I will be paying rent on the place until I can leave. And no, I am not going to bring anyone over here, ever. EX's stuff is all over the place and it would be awkward as f*ck. As for my motivations regarding office guy (or any other guy), I want to get laid. This is not about getting into another relationship. I can get laid and still be single.
Art_Critic Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Is she living in his place on his dime? If not, agree with you. EDIT: no don't agree. Are you saying that because a man pays for the rent that she cannot decide to break up.. WTF ? I disagree with you.. him paying rent doesn't make her bound to him even in the least...
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 TigressA, you will only see in hindsight what a right decision this is and how much happier you will be.
veggirl Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 We are over. Completely. He is EX-BF. He has flip-flopped so much in the last 2-3 days he has convinced me he is completely insane and I have no desire to be with someone like that, 31 years old with the mindset of a 15-year-old finicky teenage girl. I am moving out by the end of this month, hopefully. If I can't I will be paying rent on the place until I can leave. And no, I am not going to bring anyone over here, ever. EX's stuff is all over the place and it would be awkward as f*ck. As for my motivations regarding office guy (or any other guy), I want to get laid. This is not about getting into another relationship. I can get laid and still be single. Cool, I hope you really are out by that time. It's the right thing to do. You don't seem too broken up over this relationship ending, which is weird considering past posts about being in love etc, but I guess everyone deals differently. Are you saying that because a man pays for the rent that she cannot decide to break up.. WTF ? I disagree with you.. him paying rent doesn't make her bound to him even in the least... She can totally decide to break up. At any point. The classy thing to do would be move out or pay rent (doesn't sound like she is for this month). Of course she doesn't "have" to do that, which I guess is your point?
Art_Critic Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 She can totally decide to break up. At any point. The classy thing to do would be move out or pay rent (doesn't sound like she is for this month). Of course she doesn't "have" to do that, which I guess is your point? My point isn't about her staying rent free or whatever.. My point is that she IS trying to break up and move out.. You can't just do that in 2 days...give her that much of a break And she DID break it off and IS going to pay the months rent...but she IS NOT obligated to any person to have to stay in a relationship because he paid the rent..
veggirl Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 My point isn't about her staying rent free or whatever.. My point is that she IS trying to break up and move out.. You can't just do that in 2 days...give her that much of a break And she DID break it off and IS going to pay the months rent...but she IS NOT obligated to any person to have to stay in a relationship because he paid the rent.. Yeah we'll see...she was "trying to break up and move out" about 3 or 4 times now. I'll be the first to eat my words if she follows through 1
Ursa Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I don't believe anybody is advocating that she feel obligated to stay in this relationship. The end of this relationship seems like the best thing for both parties, to me. I'm not about to clutch my pearls over anybody engaging in a rebound fling, either, although in the long run I do believe it would be in Tigress' best interests to remain single and unentangled for a little while and do some self-analysis. I do think that it would be classier, and more respectful to herself and her ex and the positive things they once shared, to wait until she is living in her own space before she gets it on with other guys--whether she brings them back to her ex's place or not. That doesn't mean she's staying in a broken relationship, it just means she's broken up but taking a breather and concentrating on making her own space. It might seem like an arbitrary boundary to some, but it's one I would set for myself. To pursue other men sexually while continuing to live in the ex's house seems unnecessarily callous and disrespectful to someone who, despite having his own flaws and making his own contributions to the failure of the relationship, also seems to have tried his best and who did support her. Since TA said she thinks she can be in her own place in just a couple more weeks, it's not like she'd have to take any vows of celibacy. She can be having hot sweaty crazy monkey sex with Office Guy by May 1st, with my blessing--she doesn't need it, but if she's moved out, she will have it. In any case, as I said, I do think that it was time--far past time, actually--for this relationship to come to a close. I hope that this will be a learning experience for both of them, and next time maybe they can avoid such a messy, drawn out ending, and learn better how to recognize red flags and navigate communication pitfalls. We all have ugly relationship shipwrecks in our pasts, the key is to figure out why we steered them into the rocks so we don't keep doing it over and over. 7
LexiB Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I do think that it would be classier, and more respectful to herself and her ex and the positive things they once shared, to wait until she is living in her own space before she gets it on with other guys--whether she brings them back to her ex's place or not. That doesn't mean she's staying in a broken relationship, it just means she's broken up but taking a breather and concentrating on making her own space. It might seem like an arbitrary boundary to some, but it's one I would set for myself. To pursue other men sexually while continuing to live in the ex's house seems unnecessarily callous and disrespectful to someone who, despite having his own flaws and making his own contributions to the failure of the relationship, also seems to have tried his best and who did support her. Exactly.
JohnnyCage Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Holy f*ck I didn't know this would turn into such a s*itstorm. A few things: We are over. Completely. He is EX-BF. He has flip-flopped so much in the last 2-3 days he has convinced me he is completely insane and I have no desire to be with someone like that, 31 years old with the mindset of a 15-year-old finicky teenage girl. I am moving out by the end of this month, hopefully. If I can't I will be paying rent on the place until I can leave. And no, I am not going to bring anyone over here, ever. EX's stuff is all over the place and it would be awkward as f*ck. As for my motivations regarding office guy (or any other guy), I want to get laid. This is not about getting into another relationship. I can get laid and still be single. We already know that. And you are acting like a perfect scavenger. If you have broken up with him then just leave his apt. You want to stay half the month there just because he isnt there even though you have broken with him? What if he was here? And you of all people have no right to call someone a 15 yr old. Please! 1
Els Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 I'm really glad you made the decision to leave, TA. For a huge variety of reasons, I think this is the best decision that you could have made by a long shot, and I just really, really hope you stick to it this time. IMO you should have left the day he caught you by the hand and refused to let you go even though you told him that he was hurting you. Tigress, I do not (and have not for a long while TBH) think this is the relationship for you, long-term Agreed. I do think you're being highly unrealistic on the Visa process and the amount of emphasis you put on his actions re: his motivations. In my experience, many people are extremely disorganized with such a process DESPITE its importance -- in general and to them. Every man I've ever dated has been such a type of man (I'm no suggesting it's a "male" thing, though. I've encountered it in female friends and colleagues as well). My hubby and I have talked about getting visas and moving to another country, and there's no way I'd leave the paperwork to him, no matter how much he was into it, because it's not in his nature to do that kind of work as organized and diligently as I would. Gosh, are we with the same guy? :laugh:
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