Author tigressA Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 T, if there has been one consistent thread in your relationship it has to be this: You two are frequently willing to believe the worst about each other. You end things because you feel he doesn't make you a priority and he takes it to mean you just want to sleep with other people. He says if the two don't work out he might as well settle for an arranged marriage and you take it to mean that he's doing it to make himself feel better. (Meanwhile, it likely means he's hurt and doesn't see the point of relationships anymore if this one doesn't work out.) I don't understand why the both of you always feel compelled to go to the worst possible conclusion. Well it doesn't matter, we're done. I just wished him good luck with his future wife, whoever she turns out to be.
Kamille Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Well it doesn't matter, we're done. I just wished him good luck with his future wife, whoever she turns out to be. Maybe you're right. Maybe it doesn't matter with him, if you're truly done. But, in the long run and for your future happiness, it does matter. The "think the worst" is a part of your relationship style that keeps coming up T. It's the part that also keeps you stuck in these drama-filled relationships. You believe the worst of your partner when they don't meet your expectation. This means it's also easy to win you back: your current assessment of the situation and his motivation isn't accurate. It'll be child's play to demonstrate that you were wrong about how "cruel" he is. It'll be easy to win you back. It'll be easy to fudge over what this is really all about.
Star Gazer Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Star, just stay out of my thread. You always do this. Where did I say that I'm using that as my reason for ending it? Nowhere. Take your damn legalese somewhere else. I'm sick of it. This isn't legalese, TA. I'm not twisting words. I'm just reading yours. SmileFace asked for the stated reason for your breakup, and in Post #5 you quoted Post #1. If you have a problem with the way you present your reasoning, that's on you... not me.
Star Gazer Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 The odd thing to me is the first post didn't present it that way. It made it seem like this logistical problem is reason enough on its own, and everything else that happened didn't contribute to the breakup. Making TigressA appear to be extremely impatient and demanding. It's a strange way to present it. It's a strange way to present it, indeed. But now that it's over, hopefully they can both find some peace. 1
dispatch3d Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I enjoy the sharp contrast between star gazer and tigress' personality. I also don't think tigress is being very rational about this in general, but meh its kinda to be expected. 1
JohnP82 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Based on all of the previous threads you have posted about this guy it seems as if there is enough to go your separate ways. However I cant help but wonder if the crush at work has anything to do wih this. Wondering if he grass is greener? 1
zengirl Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Thank you. I do realize that if I were truly fulfilled I maybe wouldn't be feeling the way I do. Our relationship wasn't exactly on solid ground before he left. We had been through a lot. It wasn't even just what I posted about here. There was one major incident that yet again had almost split us up that I didn't post about here. A week before Christmas I found out he'd rejoined that matrimonial dating site in late October, right after I told him my ex had called wanting to get back together. I had made it clear I wasn't interested, but that was enough for him to become so insecure and unsure about me that he created a profile on this site he used to be on and lied to me about it for weeks. That is an absurd reaction on his part, and certainly joining a dating site while IRL is a dumpable offense for almost everyone. But this is what I mean -- it's going to appear a bit odd that the straw that broke the camel's back was essentially some visa red tape that was out of his hands. I think framing the breakup that way robs him and you of the true lessons in this relationship. Lessons are the most valuable thing we can take away from relationships that don't pan out, after all. And I don't think I am meant to be with anyone long-term anyway. I don't think that is what I really want. Interesting statement. Since your BF seems to want to get married (to someone, now or someday), and since this relationship was a fairly serious LTR that included living-together, there seems to be no WAY that this relationship could've ever been healthy if that's truly how you feel. No LTR could be, really. Maybe you're right. Maybe it doesn't matter with him, if you're truly done. But, in the long run and for your future happiness, it does matter. The "think the worst" is a part of your relationship style that keeps coming up T. It's the part that also keeps you stuck in these drama-filled relationships. You believe the worst of your partner when they don't meet your expectation. This means it's also easy to win you back: your current assessment of the situation and his motivation isn't accurate. It'll be child's play to demonstrate that you were wrong about how "cruel" he is. It'll be easy to win you back. It'll be easy to fudge over what this is really all about. All of this is a really good read, but especially the bolded. Honestly, thinking the worst of people, and especially a relationship partner, is a hugely problematic way to live that leads to a lot of unhappiness. It's also important, in a lot of cases, to look at actions independent of perceived motivations. For instance, if someone is consistently acting in a way that leads you to be unhappy to be with them, it does not necessarily matter if their motivation was not malicious (but instead out of fear etc). It can still be toxic to you (general you) and cause incompatibilities. You and this man have had fundamental incompatibilities from the beginning, but that doesn't mean he's "cruel" or whatever motivation is ascribed to him. The need for good guys and bad guys is almost always flawed.
mitchell Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Time to move on. Incredibly insensitive and immature statements on his part. Tigress is back on the prowl.
BetheButterfly Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Well it doesn't matter, we're done. I just wished him good luck with his future wife, whoever she turns out to be. I think that's for the best. The reason I think so is because chemistry, both emotional and physical, are very important for a relationship to work out. Apparently, you and him had physical chemistry, but repelled each other emotionally. Also, shared goals and purpose in life and convictions greatly help a relationship grow strong, even if the relationship is between two people of different cultures. I don't think you and him had shared goals/convictions and purpose. So, when you are ready to look again for a mate, remember to not just stress physical chemistry, but also shared convictions, goals, and purpose in life, as well as caring for each other. Reltionships take work. Although for many peace-loving people, they are easier than those who seem to enjoy high drama, relationships go through difficult points and blissful riding on the clouds points. My parents are an example of that. My Dad has bipolar and my Mom has endured a lot of emotionally painful times because she loves my Dad. My Dad for the last 5 years has been taking medication because he loves my Mom. (Try convincing a person with bipolar that they need medicine when they think it's ridiculous... it's only love for my Mom that convinced him he needed it... my Dad is an expert in his career, but bipolar people, although highly intelligent, have a hard time dealing with the fact that their brain has a chemical unbalance. It's really difficult.) However, my parents have been married since they were both 18 years old, and for 35 years and running. They do truly love each other and they share similar convictions, goals, and purpose in life. Life is a roller coaster. Feelings of happiness and contentment come and go, but they come more often if you share similar ideals with the one you love, and learn to truly love them even when the mushy ooshy gushy feeling isn't there at the moment. With this man, I think he did not share your convictions, and it is the wisest thing to let him go and after you have healed, to put a priority not just on physical intimacy, but on spiritual, emotional, and mental intimacy as well, which are just as important.
Author tigressA Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 Today went really well. Work went really well. Didn't shed a tear. I had a collage of pictures of us in my cubicle for months and months, as well as an old V-Day card he'd given me. I ripped them both up into lots of tiny pieces and on my way home threw them into the river.
SmileFace Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Today went really well. Work went really well. Didn't shed a tear. I had a collage of pictures of us in my cubicle for months and months, as well as an old V-Day card he'd given me. I ripped them both up into lots of tiny pieces and on my way home threw them into the river. I am glad that your day went well. Hope you eating well - all the best -smile
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 When he went to India, did he take all of his clothes and things? Did he quit his job? Do you think he might stay there forever?
threebyfate Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 However this turns out, many hugs for your hurting. ((tigress))
Author tigressA Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 When he went to India, did he take all of his clothes and things? Did he quit his job? Do you think he might stay there forever? He didn't take even a third of his things. He didn't quit his job. He won't stay there forever. He is insisting he will be back by mid-May. I'm working overtime to be out of here before he comes back. I don't want to see him again, especially with his future wife.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Do you really believe that he will return with a bride?!?!
Author tigressA Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 Do you really believe that he will return with a bride?!?! Oh, he seems serious about it. We talked last night and I asked him to consider the other parties involved, and his true motives...he said, "One girl I'm talking to already knows." So no, I really don't doubt that he will return with a brand-spanking new spouse. I know, it's insane isn't it?
threebyfate Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 tigress, this has been your fear all along. After what C. did to you, then the overall belief that Indian guys will import their wives, your current ex is living up to your fears. 1
Author tigressA Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 However this turns out, many hugs for your hurting. ((tigress)) Thanks TBF, though I don't feel hurt, at least not now. Maybe it will come later. What I do know is that I'm not going back on this. It's over, finished. Any second thoughts I might've had were dashed by his stated intention to marry anyone who'll have him as soon as humanly possible. The only direction I'm looking is straight ahead. Onward and upward. I just remembered my very first thread about him where I posted his OKCupid Dating Persona Quiz result, "The Last Man on Earth". How true that turned out to be.
kaylan Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 (edited) I'm inclined to think you're not that in love with him (and/or previous problems have contributed to negative feelings having nothing to do with the visa situation). I agree with those others who have said six to ten weeks isn't that long to wait for someone. I've stayed in love with people who I had no contact with at all for that long and longer. I do see how the angst involved in being in love with someone in an unrequited way is different from actually being with them but not getting to see/touch them regularly. Perhaps the former allows for more glorification of them while the latter creates frustration more. Still, I think if you were really in love, that feeling/devotion would outweigh your frustration. People need to stop with this. You can love someone and choose not to be with them. Its not like she did anything disrespectful like cheating which could indicate a servere lack of emotional connection. Look at the problems theyve had as a couple, also realize they havent been together super long (arent engaged or married), so it makes sense that an LDR will bring a turning point...especially when you have no idea when youll see your bf/gf again. Im not 22 anymore...and Ive grown a lot in 3 years...but back then I wouldve put up with all the BS tigress has just to stay with my ex because I loved her so much. Nowadays, sure I can love someone dearly, but they will not come before my own mental, emotional, and physical well being. Do you know how sickening it is to love someone and long for them when you dont know when youll see them again? Do you know how near impossible it is to function at work or school when your hearts in agony? I couldnt imagine dealing with what tigress is dealing with unless I was already married to a girl in this situation. If we are in a younger relationship which has already had many problems, then all of this new stuff is just a sign to cut the cord and find someone more stable. You can love someone and leave them. I dont see why people act like this isnt possible. Life and love isnt a movie or dollhouse.Today went really well. Work went really well. Didn't shed a tear. I had a collage of pictures of us in my cubicle for months and months, as well as an old V-Day card he'd given me. I ripped them both up into lots of tiny pieces and on my way home threw them into the river. I see you go the "eraser" method like I do upon breaking up with someone. I know someone people keep mementos tucked away somewhere, but Ive always made clean breaks and removed all reminders of my exes out of my life. Good luck on your new pat Edited April 10, 2012 by kaylan 2
Author tigressA Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 Just blocked him on Facebook, deleted all our pictures--I had to delete whole albums unfortunately, with pictures that didn't include him or us together, because stupid FB changed everything around so much that you have to delete pictures individually and it takes FOREVER. Got rid of all the pictures saved to my computer too.
dispatch3d Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 She broke up a relationship of like a year+ because the guy didn't get his visa renewed in time. That's a weird reason for a breakup. It's like a reverse green-card breakup or something. There's some kind of creative joke in here I just can't figure it out. Other issues/reasons are legit, but the trigger is weird. That's all I'm sayin.
carhill Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Straw that broke the camel's back, and all that stuff... 1
kaylan Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 She broke up a relationship of like a year+ because the guy didn't get his visa renewed in time. That's a weird reason for a breakup. It's like a reverse green-card breakup or something. There's some kind of creative joke in here I just can't figure it out. Other issues/reasons are legit, but the trigger is weird. That's all I'm sayin. Um no....if you followed her other threads, or read this one in its entirety, there was a combination of factors. Sure the LDR thing was the straw that broke the camels back, but you have to acknowledge all of the problems that led to there being so much weight upon the camel.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Sure the LDR thing was the straw that broke the camels back, but you have to acknowledge all of the problems that led to there being so much weight upon the camel. It would be healthy, though, if TA were to acknowledge all the other stuff rather than making the breakup all about the distance & visa. In the interests of future, healthier relationships, i mean. 4
Recommended Posts