Four weeks.

[tigressA]

So you're angry at him. This has nothing to do with not knowing the date when his application will be processed. This is about built up resentment. And there seems to be a lot of it, on both sides, in your relationship.

 

As such, I think you are probably making the right decision about ending things.

 

Yeah. This is true.

 

And I'm usually so strong with breakups; I'm like 'This is the end, this is how it's going to be, no questions'. But I feel weak. This has been dragged out over the course of 12 hours. So much arguing and back and forth and pushing and pulling...I guess I am just relieved it is done. I don't even want to do anything today; I just want to lie in bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

[Star Gazer]

...but being in a relationship with someone who isn't here and having his return date totally, completely unknown is draining on me.

 

I'm in the same situation, but I'd never in a million years condition our relationship on him returning by X date 4 weeks away after only 6 weeks had passed.

 

You don't love this man, you never did. If so, you wouldn't have broken up with him for this reason.

[Star Gazer]

All I am saying is that if he really was that concerned about wanting to come back he would've been better prepared. He left without very important documents--proof of graduation/transcripts from his respective colleges, stuff from his employers...I mean, how could you not think you don't need to bring that stuff?! When you are familiar with the process already?

 

Why are you taking his lack of preparation personally? The world doesn't revolve around you.

[tigressA]

I'd appreciate it if you didn't act like you know of how I feel or felt while in my relationship, SG. Thanks.

[kaylan]

I'm in the same situation, but I'd never in a million years condition our relationship on him returning by X date 4 weeks away after only 6 weeks had passed.

 

You don't love this man, you never did. If so, you wouldn't have broken up with him for this reason.

???

 

You can love someone and chose not to be with them anymore. People break up all the time with people they still love once they see things just wont work out.

[tigressA]

He's taking it to mean that I don't love him and that all I want to do is sleep with other people. If that were true, I wouldn't have even broken up with him. If all I cared about was getting laid, if that was the only issue I was having with all of this, I would've just gone right behind his back and cheated up until the day he returned and not said a word to him or anyone else.

[Star Gazer]

I'd appreciate it if you didn't act like you know of how I feel or felt while in my relationship, SG. Thanks.

 

Fine. Let me put it this way:

 

In my opinion, a woman who loves her boyfriend would not condition the continuation of the relationship based on his return to the US within 4 weeks when he's only been gone for 6.

 

And I'll add that it is selfish for a woman to do so, and that a solid relationship would survive longer than 10 weeks apart.

[tigressA]

Duly noted. Thanks for your participation.

[Star Gazer]

T's situation and SG's situation can't be compared, because SG knows when her boyfriend comes back. That is not clear in T's situation, the uncertainty of her situation is probably what has her going nuts.

 

No, I don't know when he's coming home. There's no such thing as a certain return date when it comes to deployment. He will be home sometime between tomorrow and 12 months from now, with the best possible estimate currently being Labor Day-ish. And let's not even talk about the whole danger factor.

[zengirl]

Tigress,

 

I do not (and have not for a long while TBH) think this is the relationship for you, long-term, so don't mistake my comments on this manner. I respect your decisions either way, but it's in my nature to develop an opinion. I'm sorry if that's bothersome. I truly do support you.

 

Re: organization

 

I do think you're being highly unrealistic on the Visa process and the amount of emphasis you put on his actions re: his motivations. In my experience, many people are extremely disorganized with such a process DESPITE its importance -- in general and to them. Every man I've ever dated has been such a type of man (I'm no suggesting it's a "male" thing, though. I've encountered it in female friends and colleagues as well). My hubby and I have talked about getting visas and moving to another country, and there's no way I'd leave the paperwork to him, no matter how much he was into it, because it's not in his nature to do that kind of work as organized and diligently as I would. I believe, based on knowing you through posts, you are organized the way I am with such small details. Many people are not. Many people who are organized in that way tend to date people who are not, IME. This is life's way of ensuring couples do well perhaps. You only really need one partner who is that organized. Two just get on each others' nerves.

 

re: LDR

 

I get how draining it is. However, I think if this relationship were fulfilling you IN GENERAL and the other problems hadn't happened and you had no reason to doubt his affections, you possibly would not feel this way. Perhaps I'm wrong, but please at least consider that.

 

I guarantee you that if my hubby had to go somewhere for a visa and couldn't return to an unknown date, I would wait. I would wait forever. Despite not being cut out for a LDR. The reason for that is I have already gotten to the point of intimacy that I wouldn't just cast it away and knowing he is the guy for me long-term. I really think if you felt and believed those things you'd have more patience.

 

In the end, you absolutely need to do what is best for you. But look at ALL the reasons. That's all I'm saying.

[tigressA]

Tigress,

 

I do not (and have not for a long while TBH) think this is the relationship for you, long-term, so don't mistake my comments on this manner. I respect your decisions either way, but it's in my nature to develop an opinion. I'm sorry if that's bothersome. I truly do support you.

 

re: LDR

 

I get how draining it is. However, I think if this relationship were fulfilling you IN GENERAL and the other problems hadn't happened and you had no reason to doubt his affections, you possibly would not feel this way. Perhaps I'm wrong, but please at least consider that.

 

I guarantee you that if my hubby had to go somewhere for a visa and couldn't return to an unknown date, I would wait. I would wait forever. Despite not being cut out for a LDR. The reason for that is I have already gotten to the point of intimacy that I wouldn't just cast it away and knowing he is the guy for me long-term. I really think if you felt and believed those things you'd have more patience.

 

In the end, you absolutely need to do what is best for you. But look at ALL the reasons. That's all I'm saying.

 

Thank you. I do realize that if I were truly fulfilled I maybe wouldn't be feeling the way I do. Our relationship wasn't exactly on solid ground before he left. We had been through a lot. It wasn't even just what I posted about here. There was one major incident that yet again had almost split us up that I didn't post about here.

 

A week before Christmas I found out he'd rejoined that matrimonial dating site in late October, right after I told him my ex had called wanting to get back together. I had made it clear I wasn't interested, but that was enough for him to become so insecure and unsure about me that he created a profile on this site he used to be on and lied to me about it for weeks. When I discovered it and confronted him with it he tried so hard to insult my intelligence and fool me into thinking what I saw wasn't of his creation. He lied his head off until he couldn't anymore. And I still stayed with him...he met my family over Christmas and they all really liked him...it was like it had never happened. But I don't think I ever really got over that. Or any of the other things that happened since then. I kept thinking, 'What if I had never found out? How long would he have gone on lying to me?'

 

And I don't think I am meant to be with anyone long-term anyway. I don't think that is what I really want.

[spookie]

I don't understand why you are still with him. I think the visa issue is a dumb excuse to break, but it sounds like you've got fcvkloads of problems besides that, not to mention different expectations for what a relationship means to you long-term. He joined a dating site while still living with you? WTF? How are you ok with that?

[tigressA]

He joined a dating site while still living with you? WTF? How are you ok with that?

 

Well I guess I was in looooove, despite SG's assertions that I never was.

[Jane2011]

I'm inclined to think you're not that in love with him (and/or previous problems have contributed to negative feelings having nothing to do with the visa situation). I agree with those others who have said six to ten weeks isn't that long to wait for someone. I've stayed in love with people who I had no contact with at all for that long and longer.

 

I do see how the angst involved in being in love with someone in an unrequited way is different from actually being with them but not getting to see/touch them regularly. Perhaps the former allows for more glorification of them while the latter creates frustration more. Still, I think if you were really in love, that feeling/devotion would outweigh your frustration.

[Jane2011]

p.s. I've also had an extremely disorganized boyfriend. There were important papers strewn all over his bedroom. Everything was a mess constantly. He had no sense of time/chronology either. He'd think something that happened three years ago was "about six months ago" (and vice versa). lol, annoying...

[amantis]

I had to move from Portugal to Australia .

Alot of people here dont know what they are talking about

Theres alot of papers , money and alot of other ****

We cant do nothing , we can only wait

If you dont love him just move on , if you love him , you have to wait

I understand him and why he is upset , he cant do **** and you are upset with him because he forgot some documents :S

Try to move to other country and see all the **** you need to do .. i bet he is tired of the situation too

 

Sorry for the english

Edited April 9, 2012 by amantis

[johan]

I don't understand why you are still with him. I think the visa issue is a dumb excuse to break, but it sounds like you've got fcvkloads of problems besides that, not to mention different expectations for what a relationship means to you long-term.

 

This echoes my feeling on the whole issue. There were lots of issues leading up to this, and this is just the straw that broke the camel's back. The odd thing to me is the first post didn't present it that way. It made it seem like this logistical problem is reason enough on its own, and everything else that happened didn't contribute to the breakup. Making TigressA appear to be extremely impatient and demanding. It's a strange way to present it.

 

I also think breaking up while he's gone is easier, and some trumped up charges help to make it look justified. So there is the appearance that this wasn't a very courageous act.

 

But history shows that breakups in this relationship are often followed by makeups, so time will tell what this really amounts to.

 

I would just caution against using the relationship itself as leverage or as a tool to act out against your partner. If you don't truly intend to break up and in your heart you're not really wanting things to end, then don't break up. The relationship might not end, but it will be poisoned by resentment. In reality, once you go down the breakup path, it's better to just keep going. So mean it when you say it.

[spiderowl]

Visa renewal can take ages and if he's truly going for that and has put in his application, it's out of his hands. If you don't believe he has put in for the visa, that's a different matter. If he has put in for it, it doesn't mean he'll get it - only you and he can estimate his chances based on the experience of others in the same category/from the same country. Do you have the patience to wait? It doesn't sound like it.

Edited April 9, 2012 by spiderowl

[dispatch3d]

Yeah I Dunno, my main comment would be you don't seem that independent.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I do think that she loves him, loves him too much in fact, too much to be able to break up the relationship that is obviously very unhealthy for both of them.

 

I don't buy that this break will last or that it is something that Tigressa truly wants. She is just hoping that the threat of losing her will make him move heaven and earth to get home quicker. This is always dangerous, as playing with the B word (I should know) causes major loss of trust and cracks the relationship beyond repair.

[Star Gazer]

Well I guess I was in looooove, despite SG's assertions that I never was.

 

I'm not the only one saying that. Focus on my comments all you want, but I think it's true.

 

I don't think I've ever seen you say how madly in love with your BF you are. Ever.

[tigressA]

Now he is saying that if it is really over between us it is going to 'kill' him...his family is saying that he needs to get past it as soon as possible. He says, "If it's over, I'm getting married, I don't care." Never mind that he told me he didn't want to get married and that he was supposedly much more independent from his culture and his family than he is showing himself to be right now.

 

He is so unbelievably insecure that he will jump into an arranged marriage in order to try to make himself feel better about losing me. :sick: I don't want to be with someone like that.

[Star Gazer]

He is so unbelievably insecure that he will jump into an arranged marriage in order to try to make himself feel better about losing me. :sick: I don't want to be with someone like that.

 

Counter: You are so unbelievably insecure that you will jump at the chance to dump him if he doesn't come back on your schedule. He shouldn't want someone like that either.

 

I don't know why you're using this as your reason/excuse for ending it. Why don't you just call it like it is? A ton of incompatibilities in a relationship that should have ended a long time ago.

[Kamille]

T, if there has been one consistent thread in your relationship it has to be this:

 

You two are frequently willing to believe the worst about each other.

 

You end things because you feel he doesn't make you a priority and he takes it to mean you just want to sleep with other people.

 

He says if the two don't work out he might as well settle for an arranged marriage and you take it to mean that he's doing it to make himself feel better. (Meanwhile, it likely means he's hurt and doesn't see the point of relationships anymore if this one doesn't work out.)

 

I don't understand why the both of you always feel compelled to go to the worst possible conclusion.

[tigressA]

Star, just stay out of my thread. You always do this. Where did I say that I'm using that as my reason for ending it? Nowhere. Take your damn legalese somewhere else. I'm sick of it.