tigressA Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I broke up with BF last night. It was fairly long and drawn-out. He kept arguing with me. We ended with agreeing to some shadow of a commitment where we aren't 'officially' single until a specific date--if he isn't back by May 9th, then it's done and we are free from any obligation to each other. I told him that after 6 weeks I'm basically at the end of my rope. That I love him but I'm so damn tired of this circumstance that has us so far apart from each other for an untold amount of time. He kept giving me this time frame of 'mid-May' but it is all based on assumptions and nothing official. There just never is any set time frame for these things (visa renewal app processing, particularly when it's on an administrative hold like his is). And one of the worst things about it is that only 12 days of these last six weeks have actually counted toward anything at all. All the other days were a waste because it was only 12 days ago that he was able to submit all his required documentation. He came into it extremely unprepared. I don't know what the nature of our relationship is now. We didn't really set any boundaries besides not seeing other people. It's like we're single without being single if that makes any sense. I don't know what to make of this.
SmileFace Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 What was the reason you gave him for the break up?
carhill Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I must've missed some stuff... You broke up with him and the finality of the break-up is conditional upon him not returning by May 9? Why does he have any say/action in the matter at all? I could see you making such a timeline for yourself returning, but him? I seem to vaguely remember him going home to India for a visit but that could've been another poster. Any insight on this nuance?
zengirl Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I'm confused. I remember you were going to break up with him for a myriad of reasons before, and that made sense. To me, it does not make sense to break up with someone because their visa renewal is taking overly long --- if that's the reason you gave him (and I doubt it's the REAL reason, tigress, I assume all those other reasons are emerging now that he's not around, but I don't really know), I can see where he could argue and be angry and find that odd. Most people in a loving, live-in, committed relationship would not break up with an SO because their visa renewal was running long----after all, even if he was disorganized (and that's frustrating for a SO, I know; I often wish hubby were more organized with his affairs too), a lot of that is outside of his control and a hardship to him as well. 3
Author tigressA Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 I told him that after 6 weeks I'm basically at the end of my rope. That I love him but I'm so damn tired of this circumstance that has us so far apart from each other for an untold amount of time. He kept giving me this time frame of 'mid-May' but it is all based on assumptions and nothing official. There just never is any set time frame for these things (visa renewal app processing, particularly when it's on an administrative hold like his is). I am just tired. Sick and tired. Literally. This whole thing has stressed me out so much--I've lost weight, I'm eating maybe one meal a day, I'm getting chronic stomachaches, I don't sleep very well. I am living my life here, going to work, doing other things, but being in a relationship with someone who isn't here and having his return date totally, completely unknown is draining on me.
SmileFace Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 What was the reason you gave him for the break up? Never mind I just reread the second paragraph. However I don't think that is a far enough reason since you were already questioning the breakup prior. Not saying the distance didn't make matters worse. Anyway I am sorry for you break up but I don't think you guys should be putting it off. What is the point?
carhill Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Ah, so he's elsewhere and awaiting documents to return. Sorry for my confusion. My sympathies. Your health is Job #1. Do what you need to do.
Author tigressA Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 I guess at the least it gives me a date to count down to, and the whole issue was that there was no date to count down to before. It is incredibly painful not knowing when the day that it will all end and everything will be back to normal again will arrive.
Kamille Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I'm surprised too. Like others, I know you two nearly broke up right before he left and somehow made up after he was gone. That had given me pause, as it's usually easy to make promises of better futures when you miss each other, but harder to maintain them when faced with a challenge. And oh how quickly the next challenge came. I believe you're someone who likes to have control. Unfortunately, bureaucracies notoriously escape our controls, especially when it comes to anything related to migration. It sounds like you're misdirecting your anger over not having control of your love life. In reality, you're not angry at him, you're angry at the visa renewal process. So I guess my question is this: how crystal clear are you that this is the best decision for you?
Kamille Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I guess at the least it gives me a date to count down to, and the whole issue was that there was no date to count down to before. It is incredibly painful not knowing when the day that it will all end and everything will be back to normal again will arrive. What is it about this that you find so hard? I was in an LDR for nearly 18 months. There was a stretch of 4 months when we didn't see each other. So I'm asking to explore why this is provoking such a strong reaction in you.
Author tigressA Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 We made up before he left... And yes, I am angry at the visa renewal process. I'm just exhausted. I'm not cut out for all this waiting, especially when I don't know how long I need to be waiting. All I've ever known was how long it had been since he left.
Author tigressA Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 What is it about this that you find so hard? I was in an LDR for nearly 18 months. There was a stretch of 4 months when we didn't see each other. So I'm asking to explore why this is provoking such a strong reaction in you. But you had a day to look forward to! You had a plan to see each other! That is nothing like what I've been going through these last six weeks and will continue to go through if I stay with him.
carhill Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Here's a clue of the demarcation from frustration with the bureaucratic to the frustration with partner: "And one of the worst things about it is that only 12 days of these last six weeks have actually counted toward anything at all. All the other days were a waste because it was only 12 days ago that he was able to submit all his required documentation. He came into it extremely unprepared. " What I'm hearing from OP in this thread is that she isn't sensing any urgency in his actions to return to her and that is frustrating to her, enough that she set a firm timeline, perhaps an unachievable one, but one nonetheless, for said return. 1
Kamille Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 We made up before he left... And yes, I am angry at the visa renewal process. I'm just exhausted. I'm not cut out for all this waiting, especially when I don't know how long I need to be waiting. All I've ever known was how long it had been since he left. By saying you're not cut out for all the waiting, do you mean, you're not cut out for a long distance relationship? That's fair, many people aren't cut out for those. ETA: if it's not knowing when the application will be processed that's creating the anxiety, why not pick a date in the future that's so ridiculously far that you know you'll be reunited by then... Say, 4 months from now. If it gets processed before then, great, it'll only be marvelous news.
Author tigressA Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Here's a clue of the demarcation from frustration with the bureaucratic to the frustration with partner: "And one of the worst things about it is that only 12 days of these last six weeks have actually counted toward anything at all. All the other days were a waste because it was only 12 days ago that he was able to submit all his required documentation. He came into it extremely unprepared. " What I'm hearing from OP in this thread is that she isn't sensing any urgency in his actions to return to her and that is frustrating to her, enough that she set a firm timeline, perhaps an unachievable one, but one nonetheless, for said return. This is it, too. I also do feel like if he really had been so focused on returning as soon as possible like he says he is, he would've been prepared going in. He would've gone to any lengths necessary to make sure he had everything he needed. But he didn't. I had to ship documents he'd left at our apartment; his company needed to ship documents he hadn't gotten from them before he left. He even left a week earlier than was initially planned.
dasein Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Sorry you are having to go through this and your health is suffering, all those things indicate this isn't a healthy relationship for you, and I would also be annoyed if a foreign SO were dragging their feet about immigration papers, especially if the relationship wasn't on the firmest footing to begin with. In your shoes, would just conduct your life as if you are already broken up until he is back in the country, but do consider steering clear of rebounds or new involvements for a good long time.
SmileFace Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 So is the distance really the problem? You seem more frustrated of how careless he has been . Which is understandable but to say it is the distance seems so wrong. Why not let him now what the really issue is?
Author tigressA Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 I can't think about us without thinking that he didn't do everything he could to make this process go more smoothly, make it begin much earlier than it did. It feels almost like a betrayal. And that he is asking me to go on waiting for him...it seems unreasonable. It's like he is picking and choosing when to look out for 'us'. I did tell him that. 1
Carlos S Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Is this the pot smoking guy? I thought you decided to leave him for good. Did I miss something? 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Is it possible that now that you have distance and time between you, you are facing the reality of all the problems you had / had with this man and relationship? None of which were ever resolved, as far as I can understand - just put aside. Pot smoking, annoyance with you, frightening you with getting physical, lack of commitment, money discrepancies, culture clashes. What is the status of your living arrangements? Is the lease or rental agreement in his name, yours or both? Can you afford it by yourself? Will you have to move? Take care of yourself.
daphne Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I'll be honest. With the past threats of breaking up, some for better reasons, some for even worse than this one, I am not sure I believe this to be the end. It seems almost like you're taking it out on him. If he made a mistake, I seriously doubt he did it on purpose. And neither of you can control bureaucracy.
Author tigressA Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Is it possible that now that you have distance and time between you, you are facing the reality of all the problems you had / had with this man and relationship? None of which were ever resolved, as far as I can understand - just put aside. Pot smoking, annoyance with you, frightening you with getting physical, lack of commitment, money discrepancies, culture clashes. What is the status of your living arrangements? Is the lease or rental agreement in his name, yours or both? Can you afford it by yourself? Will you have to move? Take care of yourself. The lease is in his name and he's keeping it until he returns, whenever that is, and he said I might as well stay. I'm going to start looking for another place though. He just wants to keep talking and I don't even know what to say...I just want my space from him. I told him that and he got angry, saying he's done, do whatever the f*ck you want, etc. He always gets like that. I told him to talk to me when he knows something and I'll do the same and he said by the time that happens it might be too late...all threatening...and I didn't have much to say to that. He's playing these games trying to get 'power' back so I'll agree to stay with him and it's annoying.
EasyHeart Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 This sounds more like a rationalization (that's "rationalisation" for you foreigners) or justification on your part. I'm assuming he wants to live in the US, right? Immigration is usually a HUGE deal for people, so there's no way he's intentionally messing things up just to annoy you. It's kinda self-centered for you to even think like that. But having said that, it's obvious that you're not happy in this relationship and THAT is the only thing that matters. You don't need an excuse or even an explanation of why you want to break up. You've already told us of several issues you have with this guy, so the real question is why haven't you broken up with him yet? 2
Author tigressA Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 All I am saying is that if he really was that concerned about wanting to come back he would've been better prepared. He left without very important documents--proof of graduation/transcripts from his respective colleges, stuff from his employers...I mean, how could you not think you don't need to bring that stuff?! When you are familiar with the process already? 1
Kamille Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 So you're angry at him. This has nothing to do with not knowing the date when his application will be processed. This is about built up resentment. And there seems to be a lot of it, on both sides, in your relationship. As such, I think you are probably making the right decision about ending things. 1
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