Adamgem Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I have been seeing a man who has a woman and three kids with her... he told me they are not really together (mmm)... he must stay until he gets all his property etc back... When he met her he was already married to someone else that he has two children with. She ran around with him for three years. I spend almost all the time with him but not Easter and the occassional weekend. The rest of the time we are together. He says he wants to be with me etc. but I am sure a million women (or more) have heard that before... I never imagined I would get involved with someone like him. I told him I can not take a person like him seriously - he does not have a good track record. I would never want to get involved in his family affairs no matter how 'bad' it is between them.... not my style. I enjoy being with him and everything was great fun for the last year until I discovered I am pregnant. Now that I am 39 I have a ticking clock but I also have no real home, income or family help... He says he would be always there to support me and the child financially no matter what but he says a lot of things....so many holidays were suggested... I am going to buy you this and that.... usually he does not... so I can not rely on that..................... This is breaking my heart but I have booked an apointment at the clinic on Wednesday............ I have also ended the realationship with him but will continue to see him as he is my boss. I am so confused and keep changing my mind..... any input would be appreciated. (No moral judgements please - I find they say more about those that have them than me or my situation - they certainly do not help anybody).
weathervane Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Whether or not to end your pregnancy is a decision you have to make yourself. My only advice would be to try as hard as you can NOT to let what anyone else thinks you should do cloud your judgment. How do you really feel and what do you really think? Why did you decide to make the appointment at the clinic? Why would ending the pregnancy "break your heart"? I realize that how much support he will provide is an issue influencing your decision. Imagine for second that you KNEW he would provide only the minimal support. Can you imagine raising a baby under those conditions? Would you want to? You know yourself and your life best, and that is why you are the most qualified person in the world to make this decision. It is a very, very hard choice. I feel for you. 1
weathervane Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Also, to add to my response... I recommend that you visit the clinic to get counseling before you decide. The staff there will be very experienced at talking with women just like you facing a similar difficult decision. And they will know a lot of specifics about what kind of resources would be available to you.
weathervane Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 He sounds like a peach. Frankly though she knew what he was like so really the only people I feel for are the children. Try and be a better person and make it not your style in future is my advice. This is overly harsh, but I also agree that you clearly made a bad choice getting involved with this man, and it seems like you know that and will hopefully learn from it. But right now the much more pressing issue is the pregnancy. 1
Author Adamgem Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Also, to add to my response... I recommend that you visit the clinic to get counseling before you decide. The staff there will be very experienced at talking with women just like you facing a similar difficult decision. And they will know a lot of specifics about what kind of resources would be available to you. Thank you for your replys. They have helped me a lot. I have been changing my mind over and over for weeks and have run out of time. I can not leave the decision any longer. When you asked the question 'could I bring a child up with mimimun help from him' that put things in perspective for me. I know in my heart I can not trust him to even do that. It would be unfair and selfish of me to have this child no matter what my heart says.
carhill Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 any input would be appreciated. Listen carefully to the counselors at the clinic about the risks and benefits of termination, as well as resources available. Actively seek another job. I suggest this because the person in question is your superior. Proactively seeking other employment gives you power and control; otherwise you can be subject to the whims/motives of your former lover. Given the seriousness of these circumstances and the emotional impact of the choices you are making, I'd suggest taking a break from relationships for a number of months and healing. Ask the counselors at the clinic what longer-term counseling is available to you. Often this is at low-no cost. Consider longer-term therapy to assist in making different choices in the future. Welcome to LS 1
bentnotbroken Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I have been seeing a man who has a woman and three kids with her... he told me they are not really together (mmm)... he must stay until he gets all his property etc back... When he met her he was already married to someone else that he has two children with. She ran around with him for three years. I spend almost all the time with him but not Easter and the occassional weekend. The rest of the time we are together. He says he wants to be with me etc. but I am sure a million women (or more) have heard that before... I never imagined I would get involved with someone like him. I told him I can not take a person like him seriously - he does not have a good track record. I would never want to get involved in his family affairs no matter how 'bad' it is between them.... not my style. I enjoy being with him and everything was great fun for the last year until I discovered I am pregnant. Now that I am 39 I have a ticking clock but I also have no real home, income or family help... He says he would be always there to support me and the child financially no matter what but he says a lot of things....so many holidays were suggested... I am going to buy you this and that.... usually he does not... so I can not rely on that..................... This is breaking my heart but I have booked an apointment at the clinic on Wednesday............ I have also ended the realationship with him but will continue to see him as he is my boss. I am so confused and keep changing my mind..... any input would be appreciated. (No moral judgements please - I find they say more about those that have them than me or my situation - they certainly do not help anybody). Really:confused:. Interesting take. 1
Author Adamgem Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 It sounds like if it wasn't your boss, it would have been someone else getting you pregnant, since you are not on birth control. It sounds like you REALLY want a child, especially since you took absolutely no precautions . . . and even though you were fully aware of his serial baby making and your inability to properly care for a child. You're a 39 year old woman (not a teenager), so it begs the question . . . did you intentionally get pregnant or at the very least, have the "whatever happens happens" sort of mentality? Be honest with yourself -- because if you decide to terminate, you may just go searching for another guy with whom to have a child . . . but one that could support you and a baby (whether he's attached or not). What you say is true. At the time I knew there was a chance I could get pregnant and I thought I could do it. When I discovered I was pregnant I was very happy but then reality set it. He has money and has made promises but I just can't trust him. We talked about the chance of getting pregnant and he seemed to think that was a slim possibility (as he was tested when he and his ex/partner were trying to have a child). I felt, at the time, that everything would be ok but I do not feel like that now. I think I have been very foolish and made a big mistake. I have spent the last ten years changing jobs as I was not happy in any of them. Since I am working for this company I feel much more positive and happy about life. It is so frustrating to consider a finding another job again as well as terminating the pregnancy that I want. I wish I could trust and have a feeling that after this I will never want to be involved with someone again. (I have tried, in the past, therapy but it was a complete waste of time).
Author Adamgem Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Actually I was letting her off the hook from considering the BS in this instance. Both she and the BS are adults who knew he was a cheater when they got involved. The children are the innocent ones. Whatever you do about your child I would urge you to put his children's feelings above you, him or his wife. They do not deserve this mess. I have no advice about GE abortion except to say that as tw child of a cheater I have no respect for that parent as an adult. If you can't support yourself and a child what are your options for welfare and/or temporary foster care in your area? Don't count on him. He's proven to cheat on his "commitments". I am glad I have posted on this forum as any doubts about my apointment at the clinic are disappearing. He is a very convincing person. I understand how is ex/partner got sucked in. When I am away from him I see everything much more clearly. Welfare and forster care are out of the question. I would not bring a child into the world if that was all on offer for them. I saw his children shortly after I found out about the pregnancy - it was at this time I started to see him very differently. I have become hostile towards him even though he has been very nice to me. My friend told me I should have him come to the clinic with me - so that he sees what I go through - to make him take some, however small, responsibiltiy for the situation. I am afraid he will persuade me, with his extremely charming ways, to keep the child. I can't believe how weak I have become. How desperate I must be for kindness when I am falling for such obvious silly sweet talk....
woinlove Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I am glad I have posted on this forum as any doubts about my apointment at the clinic are disappearing. He is a very convincing person. I understand how is ex/partner got sucked in. When I am away from him I see everything much more clearly. Welfare and forster care are out of the question. I would not bring a child into the world if that was all on offer for them. I saw his children shortly after I found out about the pregnancy - it was at this time I started to see him very differently. I have become hostile towards him even though he has been very nice to me. My friend told me I should have him come to the clinic with me - so that he sees what I go through - to make him take some, however small, responsibiltiy for the situation. I am afraid he will persuade me, with his extremely charming ways, to keep the child. I can't believe how weak I have become. How desperate I must be for kindness when I am falling for such obvious silly sweet talk.... I would not go to the clinic with him. I think you should go with a friend or relative who you know with certainty will offer you support and kindness and who will be able to focus on you and your needs during that visit. Preferably not someone who has a strong opinion one way or another on this matter except for thinking that you need to do what you think is best for yourself. 2
Author Adamgem Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 I would not go to the clinic with him. I think you should go with a friend or relative who you know with certainty will offer you support and kindness and who will be able to focus on you and your needs during that visit. Preferably not someone who has a strong opinion one way or another on this matter except for thinking that you need to do what you think is best for yourself. I think he does support his children financially but I am very paranoid and that is how it appears. That does not mean it is true. He has put no pressure on me either way. He said he wanted me to be happy and that he would support me either way. He would be very happy to be with me and support the child financially and, if I was very certain, he would also go to the clinic with me. It is because he is so nice and supportive that I start to doubt myself.
spice4life Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 he is so nice and supportive that I start to doubt myself. Sociopaths are very charming and can appear supportive as well. Sweety, this is going to sound very harsh, so I apologize in advance. You seriously need to snap out of it! Quit referring to how nice and supportive he is. This man has FIVE children with TWO different women and now you are pregnant by him. This man has some serious boundary issues and it doesn't matter how charming he is. That is how he sucks his victims in, in the first place. Just because someone appears nice, does not mean they are. Do not go to the clinic with him (if you choose to go), take a friend or family member instead. Once you get through next week, you need to get yourself into therapy ASAP to figure out why you ended up here in the first place. The only reason therapy hasn't worked in the past is because you weren't ready to let it. Having an affair and letting yourself to get pregnant by a man who has a terrible track record, is more than reason enough to get yourself some help. You cannot brush this under the carpet and ignore it; this is a serious dilemma you got yourself into. Time to take the blinders off and deal with this honestly. Sorry to sound harsh. 2
trinity1 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I think he does support his children financially but I am very paranoid and that is how it appears. That does not mean it is true. He has put no pressure on me either way. He said he wanted me to be happy and that he would support me either way. He would be very happy to be with me and support the child financially and, if I was very certain, he would also go to the clinic with me. It is because he is so nice and supportive that I start to doubt myself. But what if it is true that he would support the child financially? Think this through because the decision you make can not be undone. You are 39. Do you have children already? You may not have another chance to have one. The child you are expecting will not have another chance to live. Whether you will have to rely on welfare or not seems like a minor problem under these circumstances. I've had an abortion myself so I understand there are times when that is the best solution. Just be sure to think this through carefully.
Author Adamgem Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 But what if it is true that he would support the child financially? Think this through because the decision you make can not be undone. You are 39. Do you have children already? You may not have another chance to have one. The child you are expecting will not have another chance to live. Whether you will have to rely on welfare or not seems like a minor problem under these circumstances. I've had an abortion myself so I understand there are times when that is the best solution. Just be sure to think this through carefully. These are exactly my worries... I have no children and feel that this is probably the last chance. It is very confusing and I have been going over it for the last five weeks so I do not have any more time to make a decision. I do not live in a country where I will get welfare... it is not an option.
UpwardForward Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I would not bring a child into the world if that was all on offer for them. . You have already brought the baby. I believe he or she will be a blessing. Embrace it. Follow your heart in this instance.
Author Adamgem Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Sociopaths are very charming and can appear supportive as well. Sweety, this is going to sound very harsh, so I apologize in advance. You seriously need to snap out of it! Quit referring to how nice and supportive he is. This man has FIVE children with TWO different women and now you are pregnant by him. This man has some serious boundary issues and it doesn't matter how charming he is. That is how he sucks his victims in, in the first place. Just because someone appears nice, does not mean they are. Do not go to the clinic with him (if you choose to go), take a friend or family member instead. Once you get through next week, you need to get yourself into therapy ASAP to figure out why you ended up here in the first place. The only reason therapy hasn't worked in the past is because you weren't ready to let it. Having an affair and letting yourself to get pregnant by a man who has a terrible track record, is more than reason enough to get yourself some help. You cannot brush this under the carpet and ignore it; this is a serious dilemma you got yourself into. Time to take the blinders off and deal with this honestly. Sorry to sound harsh. I do not think you sound harsh. He has already booked a flight to be with me at the clinic. He has done nothing wrong to me directly. He has been nice to me. Having said that I often think he may be a psycopath....or something along those lines. When I look at his relationship history I panic but I have met his ex wife and daughters. His ex wife (they were together for 21 years) told me he is a good man... The therapy is a nightmare for me. I have tried several times and never felt so frustrated in my life. I know I have trust issues but it is not worth the stress and frustration as well as the time wasted. I have had so many terrible experiences in that area I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than try that again.
Author Adamgem Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 You have already brought the baby. I believe he or she will be a blessing. Embrace it. Follow your heart in this instance. That is a nice sentiment and yes the baby is already conceived. The reality is I have no way to look after the child without his help. I do not have access to welfare (would not want it anyway) nor do I have family to help. I had the idea he would be there for me but then saw parts of him that I no longer feel comfortable with.
trinity1 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I was 17 when I had my abortion. I was a high school student and it would have been very difficult for me to keep the baby. Still I regret it to this day. Also, what I believe to be common and what I experienced, was that everything in your body screams for a baby afterwards. Perhaps it's hormonal, but it is as if you want to replace the baby you lost. I'm glad he is coming to give you support through this. I would also listen to what his first wife said about him being a good man. He is showing the signs of that through supporting you now at this difficult time. I understand this is a very difficult choice for you. Make the choice that is right for you. Hugs, Trinity 2
UpwardForward Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 That is a nice sentiment and yes the baby is already conceived. The reality is I have no way to look after the child without his help. I do not have access to welfare (would not want it anyway) nor do I have family to help. I had the idea he would be there for me but then saw parts of him that I no longer feel comfortable with. I mean this only helpfully: It seems if you are able to support yourself at this time, you should be able to care for the baby as well. I would however, accept any responsible financial assistance from the father for delivery and after - but with the understanding that there would be no further personal interacting between he and yourself.
Author Adamgem Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 I mean this only helpfully: It seems if you are able to support yourself at this time, you should be able to care for the baby as well. I would however, accept any responsible financial assistance from the father for delivery and after - but with the understanding that there would be no further personal interacting between he and yourself. That is the problem. I can not afford somebody to look after the child whilst I would work and I do not have anybody to help in this area. The father says he will help but I have no way of knowing if he will or not. Financially I am very vulnerable.
Emme Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 For me reading your post my last concern was about your boss. My concern is for you and that child. I can tell you that you need to think about what is in your best interest. Forget this man and his other family. What do you want? If you want this child you have to bring it in this world knowing that you are possibly going to go it alone. Do not have this child to thinking you can trap this man into loving you or marrying you. This is a choice you have to make and the final decision has to be made by what you want to do. You no loner have time to be concerned about the penis. Forget the penis. All you should be focused on is yourself and that child. Take the time to make a list of the pros and cons then decide which avenue to take. Like I tell everyone where there is a will there is a way. I wish you the best. 1
UpwardForward Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) where there is a will there is a way. . This, Adamgem. I believe there will be a way. I just happened to remember. It was during the war, and my father had been called. I was about three, and my mother had to then go to work. She shared with me later, that two different neighbors wanted to take me in - as a playmate for their children, at no charge. So you see how things can happen. Edited April 8, 2012 by UpwardForward
Emme Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Many people think that having a child means you must have money. I'm not saying it doesn't help but in the end that's not all you need. If some folks waited until they had money to have children... they wouldn't have any. The poster really needs to figure out a way to make this work if it is her choice. There are programs out there that assist you in nurturing your child look into it and see if you qualify. People use those programs to get themselves situated. Swallow your pride if you need help and accept all the help that's available. In all honesty I'd prefer my tax dollars going towards helping a family that needs it rather than a congressman using that money to go on vacates with their lovers. 2
spice4life Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) That is the problem. I can not afford somebody to look after the child whilst I would work and I do not have anybody to help in this area. The father says he will help but I have no way of knowing if he will or not. Financially I am very vulnerable. Do you have family you can move in with until you are able to get back on your feet, if you choose to have the baby? Or are you a member of a local church? They have support systems for women in your situation. Gosh, I really feel for you and wish you the best whatever you decide. Like others have said, where there's a will there's a way, but it's your choice as to what is best for you. His exwife may think he is a good man, but a good man does not put a financially vulnerable woman in a situation like this IMHO. Edited April 8, 2012 by spice4life
whichwayisup Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Don't make this about him at all since you don't know if you can rely on him for anything. Make this decision about you, your life and if you can handle being a mom and all that comes with being a parent. Are you able to give your child a home, a stable and loving life? Now that I am 39 I have a ticking clock but I also have no real home, income or family help... Really think about this and go talk to a counsellor before making a final decision.
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