sita Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) Get ready for a read cos I feel like gushing! If you don’t care for the background just skip down to “RELATIONSHIP/BREAK-UP”… I just want to know what you all make of my ex’s character. I still can’t get to grips with everything that’s happened between us, though I know I need to move on. Guess I’m hoping some of you can give me the closure that he didn’t. Here goes: I'm 20. Almost two years ago, I met my first love (cringe, I know), on my first day of having moved out to the city for University. Only, it didn't start off that way. We got ridiculously close within just a week, and had a really natural friendship, but that's all I felt for him, and I thought that was all it was. But within just a few more weeks, we would sleepover after watching movies and cuddle - not so friendly. Though at this point, I still only saw him – let’s call him Rick - as a friend; it was odd. I would tell him about this guy I was into, complaining about his mindgames, and he'd tell me what girls he liked etc. Also, I wasn't self-conscious around him at all, like I would normally be to some degree with guys I'm interested in. I wouldn't care if he saw me wearing a hideous outfit with glasses on, spot cream, grandma bun, you name it, and it was the same with him. We were so comfortable around each other - and not afraid to be weird with each other - that I was naive enough to see him as a sort of sibling. Rick was my best friend; we'd always come as a package, spend most of our free time with each other, and text all day if we weren't with each other - but always as friends. Anyway, fast forward three months, we'd just got in from a concert, and he was slightly tipsy - but not drunk (I realise in hindsight). Cuddling as usual, he leaned in for a kiss. I turned around - so we were spooning - before he reached his target, and I remember feeling shocked and a tad horrified! I didn't think much of it though (again, naive) and put it down to him being drunk. I knew at this point we probably shouldn't be doing the cuddling thing, but I found it too comforting to let go of. Now this is where our 'friendship' got really disfunctional. By the time his birthday came up a few weeks after, he'd managed to turn a back massage (my back had been hurting)... into foreplay. I was too taken in by how it felt to stop him… and found I didn't want to. Here's where I should probably mention we were both virgins. A week later, we slept together, but under the understanding that we were still just friends, and it was more to ‘get it out the way with’, with someone we love and trust (I didn't let him kiss me to reinforce this... messed up, I know). However, a couple of weeks after that, Rick started seeing a girl he'd met in a club. I was genuinely supportive of him in this, as I knew I didn't want to be his girlfriend, and there were no hard feelings on my part. However as it hadn't got serious with her yet, the inevitable happened and we slept together a few more times (with passionate kissing thrown in for good measure). Regardless, he started emotionally distancing himself from me, getting closer to a girl on his course, and telling her, along with another girl who is a mutual friend of ours – let’s call her Stacy - about what was going on with the girl he was seeing. This is what hurt me - he was replacing me as his 'best friend' and pushing me out, after half a year of having built up this unshakeable trust in him, and practically living with him. He also started lying to me - he'd lost his phone, and wanted to borrow mine to call the girl he was seeing - but told me he was calling his parents. So I called him out on it, and said if he was going to replace me as his best friend he could at least be man enough to fill me in. Awkward silence - and Rick says there's a reason for it (should have seen it coming, I know - but bear in mind some of what I've highlighted is with the benefit of hindsight). He said he'd had feelings for me from the start, and knew I didn't feel the same. That he'd been "torturing himself" with all the cuddling etc. and it had really hurt him to see me hook up with another guy in a club... but that instead of telling me how he felt, he went and got with other girls instead. Then he said that was the reason he felt weird telling me about the girl he was seeing, and he thought it might have hurt my feelings after we'd slept together, but he saw now that wasn't the case. I didn't believe him straight away, said he was playing the sympathy card...then when I accepted it, I said that I was sorry for ever having hurt or confused him, and that I couldn't be his girlfriend, that he deserved to be happy with someone, and noone would want to see that more than me. He apologised for having shut me out and said he wanted to work on our friendship. So he started making a lot more effort, going out of his way to see me and spend time with me... problem with that was we had very little self-control and fell back in to sleeping together. He asked me if I was getting serious with the guy I was seeing at the time - I said I wasn't. He replied abruptly saying he wasn't serious about his girl either, as though it were to reassure me. Then whenever someone would bring up the guy I was seeing Rick would interrupt with jokes at his expense, mocking him. Not that I was bothered, I didn't care about the guy, but you can see where this is going. He then said I was the only girl he wanted to sleep with, so he wouldn't get serious with his girl, and broke up with her - meanwhile I still thought of us as friends with benefits. But then exams came around, I went home, and I cut off the guy I’d been seeing –as well as some others who had been in contact – in order to focus on revision, as I didn’t want to mess up my first year just because of guys I didn’t care about. However, as Rick was my best friend, I kept on talking to him… we’d end up skyping each other for hours every day, and grew even closer. Then we went to see Prince William’s royal wedding together – the first date-like, cheesy outing we’d had, and I had an amazing time. Exams came and went, and I found I didn’t want to get back in contact with the guys I’d cut off a couple months back – and I had started to develop feelings for Rick. We went home again for the Summer holiday (we live in separate cities) but we would still talk throughout every day... then halfway through the Summer he came down to London and had planned a romantic picnic for me – to date, it remains the most adorable and thoughtful thing a guy had ever done for me. A couple of days later we had another, more spontaneous romantic day, and ended up kissing outside the palace… and I realised I’d fallen for him, hard. RELATIONSHIP/BREAK-UP But he still hadn’t asked me out. As we were set to move in with flatmates (we’d had dorm rooms before this) our secretive sleeping around was bound to come out sooner or later – and Stacy would have been really hurt to know we’d kept it from her, as well as all our other close mutual friends (which is about twelve people). So instead of him having asked me out officially, our relationship was more of a fabrication – with us picking a date to go with when it started, as we didn’t want to just tell our friends we were friends with benefits, it was too weird. And we were acting like a couple, anyway… always holding hands when we were out, etc. Despite this, it started off well, and felt natural. But just a month in, he started changing. He’s known by everyone for being a sweet, lovely guy who doesn’t get rude or angry with anyone – but he started doing it with me, over really little things. And I’d argue with him because of it, I’m not one to be disrespected. The whole reason he was the first guy I’d committed to was down to the fact that he wasn’t meant to be cold and uncaring, he was the first genuine, empathetic guy (I thought) I’d met. In a nutshell, we only lasted four months. In that time, he didn’t take me on a single date – we even went halves on our 3 month anniversary dinner, so that doesn’t count. But that isn’t even what made me leave him – it’s the fact that our friendship was slipping away. He didn’t appreciate me at all, it seems that once he officially had me, he didn’t care – he made more of an effort with me when we were friends with benefits. He kept dropping demanding sentences which started “Look, I’m your boyfriend, so…” which vexed me – it’s like he felt entitled to some pathetic, passive version of me all of a sudden, just because I was his girlfriend. I went home with the flu one day, messaged him telling him I was in a state – and he didn’t so much as bother to call or ask if I was okay… which for a typical guy might not sound that big a deal, but Rick was supposed to be my sensitive, caring best friend before anything else. And if that all wasn’t bad enough, he started comparing me to my flatmate – who was sleeping with his flatmate. I know how guys talk about what girls are like in bed, and let’s just say she’s very much committed to pleasing a man, over herself, and that I know he fancied her. So anyway, after he tried to force me to give him a handjob while I was half asleep one night – and I asked him to leave – he complained to his flatmate – the receiver of my flatmate’s revered talents - that I was reluctant to please him! Which was ridiculous, we’d sleep together – and all other things that go with it - almost every night, and I’d say I’m quite adventurous – just not as crazy as my flatmate, and in all honestly, other than pornstars, most girls aren’t. In any case, it was out of order for him to complain about our sex life when he’s the first partner I’d had - he should have been encouraging me, not putting me down. So it was a pretty awful experience while it lasted, but I was still desperately loyal to the best friend and soul mate I’d once known in him, and the happy memories from the beginning. It all came to a head one night when a girl - who we both knew fancied him - came up to us in a bar, pushed me out of the way , hugged and greeted him, and smirked at me as she left. He didn’t call her out on it, though he’d seen it happen, and he wouldn’t let me defend myself. My anger had to be let out somewhere – and it was let out on him. We were both drunk, and arguing all the way to his house – he then left me in a dodgy part of London to walk back for twenty minutes to my place, in tears, and under the influence. I don’t believe any decent man should ever do this to his girlfriend, who he’s supposed to protect – but least of all did I expect it from him. I text him as I stumbled home past drunk leering men, saying we were over. He said he would only come to collect me if I saw a future in the relationship, if not I could carry on walking – this guy was completely unrecognisable. The last thing he said to me was that if I didn’t think he cared about me, I “didn’t even ****ing deserve” to be with him, and the last thing he said to me that night was “**** you”. The next day, he text me in the evening saying “I’m going to the gym then coming to yours x” like nothing had happened. I would have taken back what I’d said about leaving him if he’d just shown some remorse for what he’d done the night before, but no. Any trace of my best friend, the one I’d fallen for, was gone. I told him I didn’t want to see him. A couple of days later we had a teary goodbye, he said he wanted to remain friends – still no apology. I said I didn’t think I could be his friend after all that had happened between us. He said to give it time. A week later I finally got my apology and we kissed, following a series of arguments where I clearly raised all the above (and more) grievances I’d had with the relationship. I said that a genuine apology was all I’d wanted, and I wouldn’t have broken up with him had he just offered one at the time. I said we should give it another try, he said it wasn’t a good idea. I watched him walk away, and cried as I’ve only ever done before on hearing of someone’s death. A couple of weeks later and the feeling of desperately wanting our golden days back took me over, and I rang him in tears. I told him I couldn’t stop thinking about the good times, nothing so terrible had happened between us, we’d just taken each other for granted and not communicated enough (he’d said after the break that he felt he was always trying to make me happy in the relationship and ‘was running around after me’ – how a guy who hadn’t taken me on a single date in four months could say this still baffles me, nor did he say anything at the time, or have any examples to back this claim up) I said we could work on our issues, and move on. I said if we both had feelings for each other we owed it to ourselves to act on them, unless he didn't have feelings for me anymore. He said his feelings would never go, but they would fade. Again, he said it wasn’t a good idea. He said he felt physically sick dealing with the breakup, but getting back together wouldn’t work (giving no reason why) and that I had to forget him, that we had to get over each other, then maybe in time we could be friends. This is when it really hit home for me, and it was the first time I’d felt what it was to be heartbroken. He later told Stacy the reason for the breakup was "conflict of personality" and that it was mutual - what bull! There wouldn't have been a conflict if he hadn't changed so drastically, after all we'd been best friends for a year before it! What infuriated me the most was that I hadn’t asked for any of this. Had it been left to me, nothing would ever have happened between us, physical or otherwise. He forced his way in, made me care, made me fall for him, and abandoned me at the first sign of trouble. Yet I STILL felt our friendship was worth saving – a few months later I got back in touch saying I hoped we could be friends again. He said he wanted a good friendship again, and that he’d hate to lose me from his life completely. But again, he just led me on, didn’t make any effort with me, but would meet up to have catch-ups with our mutual friend Stacy (remember her? Lol) even though we were the ones who had bridges to build. Then I saw him at our union bar, with all our friends there, he comes up and says “hello!” really overenthusiastically and reaches out for a hug – I gave him a half-hearted one and distanced myself all night – he hadn’t so much as said a word to me in two weeks, and was acting like we were fine in front of everyone else. It disgusted me. He text me accusing me of playing mindgames (according to Stacy, I’d pissed him off so much he’d punched a wall). I told him I’m always offish with people I consider fake, and that I wasn’t trying to get a rise out of him. He replied “So you think I’m fake? Screw you.” And I replied “That’s what these last six months have shown me - screw yourself, I’m through reaching out to you” And that’s the last contact we had. Though I saw him in the library with a friend of ours a month later, and he nodded and smiled from across the room – I ignored him. But it set my heart racing to see him again. And I always hear about him from our mutual friends, and that he asks how I’m doing. Why is he acting so ridiculous? Why act like everything’s fine in front of everyone when those rude texts were the last contact we had? And how can my best friend become such a stranger? He’s not man enough to acknowledge our rift publicly, though we’ve had our share of emotionally draining arguments – and he won’t so much as contact me in months to clear the air or see if I’m ok. So this epic tale of a year and a half ends with us not talking. It was his 21st birthday recently and I didn’t so much as text him, and I’ve deleted him off facebook – so much for a “good friendship”. I feel I did everything I could to try and stop this outcome, but I’ve just been flogging a dead horse, it’s over. But somehow, though it’s been five months since we broke up, and two since we last spoke, I still miss him as if it happened yesterday – it’s so irrational. Will this ever pass? Does anyone have any advice they can offer me in dealing with this hopeless sense of loss? I don’t even know what I miss more, the friendship or the relationship – I think it’s the first though, and that’s why it hurts so much more. Edited April 8, 2012 by sita
rejected_lost Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 well... I'm sorry to know you're hurting... but I think having friends with benefits is not a wise thing to do honestly... you might feel ok about it and try to not get too attached but since you two were best friends which meant you two were emotionally very close and since you slept with each other so much, you two just fell for each other which is not uncommon... you see from what I can make out of what happened, and let me make this clear I'm not an expert in this but his "male ego" is what has led to where you two are at this time... while you two weren't in a relationship, he fancied you but like many guys, once you two got into one, he started to take you for granted as his male ego was satisfied... however, what I honestly feel is that if he was so serious about you, he wouldn't have let you go... from your post it's very clear that you are serious about him and that you love him... unfortunately from what you've posted, it doesn't seem like he's that much into you... All I can suggest is you stay strong and avoid contacting him... you tried your best... you wanted to give him another chance but he needs to show he cares too which he isn't... I know every girl deserves a guy who treats her with respect and loves her like she loves him... you deserve that too and if you keep patience, you will find someone really really special who won't let his ego come in the way of your friendship and love... take care... no contact will really help... with time you will surely get better...
Author sita Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Well this is exactly what I've been trying to convince myself of these last few months - that he just doesn't care about me all that much. But then certain things make me think he had to... for example, another mutual friend of ours - a guy - said recently he thought we'd make it up eventually, and that Rick had cried over our breakup in front of his flatmates - who are guys! It just doesn't make sense that he would do that, when he was the one to end it in the end... it makes me wonder if it's just a matter of him needing to grow a pair over time and resolve this? Probably won't happen, though... so yeah I guess I just need to accept it now any other opinions would be appreciated, this whole thing is so hard to process..
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