UtterlyConfused Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I feel like hell right now and I'm not sure who to turn to. I'm really sad and currently feel like there's nothing left to live for (I'm not suicidal, just feeling like life has hit a dead end). I feel as if my career is on its last tatters. I have no ambition (I used to have tons), nothing excites me and all I choose to do during my free time is lay in bed and veg to some old sitcom reruns. My love life is a sham as I'm newly married to a woman who loves me, but I can't fully reciprocate. I do love her (and am pretty affectionate), but I'm just not feeling the same for us. She's loving towards me and she's noticed I've been down recently, which usually evokes the response "you'll come out of it when you're ready" which makes me want to bolt there and then. To add to this (and this may be both a symptom and cause), I'm also down over another woman who recently moved away from our city. She and I worked together for over 2 years and were friendly with one another throughout the time, though it never evolved beyond a working relationship. It was fairly obvious we liked each other (lots of hallway glances and an accidental reveal of how I felt, helped by some vodka, during the office holiday party). Still, my feelings for her grew over time and I never fully expressed them - even when I had the chance -- mainly due to my marriage and not wanting to complicate her life or our working together. Now that she's moved, I'm really in the dumps and I think about her all the time. We met for dinner just before she left, and I thought to mention something then, but a friend who I confided my feelings to recommended against it -- as how would it come across? With my being in a relationship, her leaving town for a new start and me expressing that I have feelings for her -- I'm pretty sure not saying anything was the correct thing to do. If I were in her shoes, I'm not sure how I would take hearing that some married guy had feelings for her before I left Dodge. I guess I would be flattered, but given the circumstances, what would come of it? All in all, I'm severely depressed. I don't want to socialize with anyone and don't do much beyond going to work (which I'm barely eeking by at). I flirt with separating with my wife, as I'm not doing either of us any favors by staying in the marriage. The logical part of me says that I should just embrace my marriage and make it work, but the emotional part of me doesn't feel the same. I'm really confused and feels like life is at a dead end. Thanks for letting me vent... ==
Scottdmw Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 It sounds like you have a lot going on, quite possibly more than one issue. The first thing that comes to mind is that some of what you describe could be clinical depression. Lack of interest in free time activities that you used to find fun is especially significant, since it's mostly separate from career and marital dissatisfaction. I would say that the very first thing you should do if you haven't already is talk to a counselor about this. It is possible that you simply have a neurochemical imbalance which is going to make anything in your life seem less worthwhile and could make all your other problems seem a lot worse. I would really suggest not making any decisions on the job or marriage front until you do this. On the career front, do you have another alternative that seems more interesting, even if it seems difficult? I know a lot of people who have switched careers significantly at various points in their life. It might take you a year or two to make it happen, but you might find that even getting on a path to a different career might make you feel a lot more purposeful and happy. Maybe you need to consolidate your finances or pursue additional education, but these are all things that you can do long-term. If you're not happy where you are, I would say do something different and see if it helps. With your marriage, I know I've had some experiences in the past that this reminds me of. At one point I had a very good relationship with a woman, and then for no particular reason I started thinking about an ex from years ago. For a while it was like I was obsessed about her, without even any contact and despite the fact that I had a good relationship in the present. For unrelated reasons after that, my actual relationship ended, and it immediately became clear to me that relationship was the one that was really important to me and the thing with the ex had just been a strange and passing fantasy, even though it seemed compelling at the time. In other words, I didn't realize what I had with my current relationship until it was gone. I think it's very easy for your mind to play tricks with you on things like this. Remember that just because you have a feeling of attraction towards something absolutely does not mean that thing will make you happy if you were to get it. People have all kinds of addictions and obsessions with all kinds of destructive things, but it's often very hard to tell when you are in the situation. With all you have going on, I would really hesitate to do anything to jeopardize your relationship with your wife. There are many other things you can do to try to address your situation that don't have such serious repercussions. Get on a path to a different career. Try some different leisure activities that might be more fun. See a counselor about depression. Above all, get your mind focused on doing something positive in your life. If you spend a good deal of time trying all those different things and nothing really seems to help then it's possible you really do have a relationship problem, but I would say consider that last. Best wishes Scott
Author UtterlyConfused Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 Thanks for the really sound advice, Scott. I guess I've been miring in these problems for the better part of a number of months -- where it all seems to blend together. I'll try focus on the positive as you suggest. The depression stuff is a tough one though, as I've previously been prescribed antidepressants, but the side effects were nearly as tough as the depression itself. Thanks again -- it really helps to have been heard.
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