Oscar1988 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 First let me start off by saying that this is one of the hardest things that I could do. I don't have any close friends to speak of so I am looking for some advice, empathy or reality. not sure which one I'll get but here goes. This story begins 30 years ago. It was my sophomore year in high school and that spring I met the person that would captivate me for the rest of my life. This person was the sister of one of my best friends. She was not like every other girl. She was quiet, smart, intelligent and loved and adored her mother who she called her best friend. I was sitting at my friends house one day when I saw her looking at me and as our eyes met it was as if I could see inside of her and what I saw was a beautiful spirit. I fell her in that instant. Over the next 2 1/2 years we spent every spare moment together. I loved her and she loved me and that was all that mattered. She had been my first and greatest love. It was so pure and honest. There was nothing we wouldn't do for each other. She was the first I knew as I was for her. Many people wondered why I was with her saying that I could do better, they did not know her as I did. They could not see who she was on the inside and how beautiful she was to me. You see I was one of the popular guys. Considered to be pretty handsome and able to get the prettiest girl. That did not matter to me I cared and loved her. To me she was beautiful enough. After high school i told her that i wanted to marry her but that I was going into the military. I told her when I got we would be married. While in the military something happened to me and i became what I can best describe as crazy. i started hanging out with the wrong friends and got into some crazy things. I even called my ex and broke off our engagement. This crushed her. She could not understand why I was doing this. i couldn't give her a good other than to say that there was someone else. Yes i know stupid. but when i tell you i was crazy i must have been. i had started drinking and using drugs while in the service. Some heavy stuff to hallucinogenics even. I know crazy and stupid. Am I blaming this as the cause I don't know. After 3 years i got out of the service and went back home. While there I cleaned up my act and my thought started to go back to my ex again. I had started a relationship with someone i met at one of my jobs upon returning and we were getting serious I guess. But still I never stopped thinking about my ex. Things were not going as I had hoped with my present girl and I even called it off with her since I thought she was to possessive. With my mind clear and still thinking of my ex i realized that the craziness had worn off and I was in my right mind again and still madly in love with her. It was early fall and I decided that i could not live with her. She was my soul-mate, my true love. I girded myself up and decided to go see her at her mothers house where she still lived. However my sister informed me that she was already married to someone else. i could not believe it. Now i know that my sister was one of those that thought i could do better than my ex. i often told her she just has to get to know her and her mind would be changed. anyway i went to see my ex and she wasn't there at the time. i sat at the kitchen table just talked to her mother about things while I waited for her to get back. Her mother always believed that we would be together. While sitting there I saw her come in with the guy i thought she married. We just looked at each other and time froze for an eternity it seemed. My heart fell to the pit of my stomach and my heart was shattered in that moment. This is how she must have felt when I did the same to her. She was so hurt. There was nothing that i thought could hurt more. Eyes welling up with tears i quietly got up and left. I was heartbroken and blamed myself for killing my chance at happiness. Not wanting to be alone anymore i got back with the girl i just broke up with and we were engaged to be married. We have been married for 24 years now and have 6 children. It has not been a perfect marriage but it has not been a completely unhappy one. She is a good woman that fiercely looks out for her children almost to a fault. There was a while where I even I even thought i was competing with the kids for her affections. Yes i know that sounds bad. She is the mother of my children and she has every right to care for them with all that she has. i believe that I am her true love but for 24 years I must admit that i have not been able to get rid of my feelings for my ex. I love my wife and she has done a lot to support me and raise the children. I have over the years attempted to see what happened to my ex. The internet and Facebook turned up empty. Why I did this? well something did not seem right. I still had such strong feelings for her. I would have thought that after all of this time it would have diminished. I held a special place in my heart for my ex and locked her and all she was to me there. i could not get her out or my heart entirely you see. I have provided for our kids and have been a good father to them. much better than mine was to me. I have attempted to adore my wife but she has been off by my advances as odd and weird. I can't understand that I just wanted to get close to her. Things have gotten ok between us over time but i can't ever really remember us having a passionate love. There was only one time I had that in my life and that was with my ex. Here is where the story takes a turn for the confusing. My ex over the years has tried to contact me to see what i am up to as well, she being married as long as i had, and recently was able to find me via an art forum i belong to. She e-mailed me with a praise on my work. i did not recognize her name at first but noticed that the name was hyphenated and similar to my ex's. i replied and my suspicion was confirmed. We exchanged some friendly, ackward e-mails for a couple of days. Finally i came right out and asked her what happened between us. Come to find out were married a month apart. She told me that she heard i had returned and was seeing someone else. You see she had hoped we would get back together and was waiting for me to come to her. Upon hearing this she lost all hope and the guy that lived in the 3rd floor apartment showed kindness to her. She told me that she was desperate to get out of her present situation so she agreed to marry him. I told her about my breaking up with the girl i was seeing and coming to ask her to marry me but that I was told she was already married. When i saw her coming in to her mothers house to ask to marry her and saw her with the guy i thought it was over. I told her about what i was told and she told me she had not yet been married and that she would have broken it off with him and married me if I pursued further. She told me that she also has never stopped thinking and loving me over the years. She told me has had 3 children and that she loves her husband but that the deep love is missing from their relationship. I was furious because i believed a lie perpetrated on purpose. I could not recall because of the passage of time and questioned my mother. I asked her if it was my sister and her silence spoke the truth to me. If not for that i would have been with the woman I loved with all my heart. I am not angry at my sister just resigned. I took the opportunity of renewing our connection to ask forgiveness for the way I wronged her and caused her heart to be broken. i cried wept over the e-mails being to afraid to see her in person. We talked on the phone some and she told me that she decided to really seek me out after she found out she had a heart condition that only gave her 5 years to live. She wanted to set things right with people and i was at the top of the list. She loved me all these years and wanted to let me know before it was to late. She has been under medications and getting treatment and has outlived her doctor's predictions. Her heart is strong and doing well. We poured out our true feelings to each other. We both know that this is wrong in that we are both married. But still had to get these things out there. I arranged to meet her for a few minutes as i didn't think it would be safe to spend any significant time with each other without complications. She told me I might not be happy with what I saw since she had gotten older and greyer. i told her don't be silly. We met and she nervously got out of her car and i as well. i looked at her as she looked at me and then put her head down. She did that a lot those oh so many years ago. She looked up again and there was the same spark. i saw her from the inside out. Instantly she became that young lady I fell in love with. The years faded from her face to me and all I could see was the person I fell for. We talked for a few minutes and I gently hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. i said my good bye's and told her i'd like to stay in touch. I want to build a friendship with her and not lose her from my life but find that my passion for her is so string I don't know what to do. So far our marriages and fear of hurting our spouses is a restraining force. We hope and wish for a different situation and tell each other that there is no telling what the future may hold for us. I told her i would wait to the end of time for her and for the situation to be right where no one is hurt if need be. she echoed the same. Please help My heart is aching and I feel like my life has bee one grand Shakespearean Tragedy.
wilsonx Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I empathize with your story. I have felt that deep connection you are talking about for an ex right now. I even echoed those words that I would wait until the end of time to make this right, even if it only lasted my last day on this planet. It sucks is the only way I could put how you feel right now. 1
Author Oscar1988 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 thanks Wilson this is making very unbalanced and knowing I'm not alone with this helps.
Mr Scorpio Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Well, better to have loved and lost, no? Think of how many people go through life without ever feeling that kind of connection with another person. People who marry out of convenience. People who marry out of fear. As for now, you are both married, and you have a large family to look after. You loved her once and made a mistake. Why do you suppose to left her in the first place? Youthful rebellion?
Author Oscar1988 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 the word insanity comes to mind. i guess it the unfullfilled feeling that is nagging at me. a dream of a love for the ages and all that.
wilsonx Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 the word insanity comes to mind. i guess it the unfullfilled feeling that is nagging at me. a dream of a love for the ages and all that. Ouch, so true on both of these. I remember these.
2sunny Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 You feel unbalanced because you know it's wrong to keep in touch with her. If you want to see her... Ask your wife if she gives permission - but be honest with your W about being head over heels in love with another woman that poses a huge threat to your marriage. Your W deserves to know your truth. She also deserves to be with a husband that honors, cherishes her and loves her. Your behavior and feelings don't show any of those criteria. You love the memory of "what could of been" - but that's not the reality of how this played out. You gotta take the consequences of your (in)actions. Adults (especially with 6 kids) stay on path, no veering off - but now you already have - you're playing with fire if you CHOOSE to keep in touch with her or see her. You chose - now live with the choice you made. Stop tempting yourself! How would you like finding out your W never really loved you but merely settled for second best? That's cruel and mean. If you really don't love your W - divorce her so a decent man can love her like she deserves. But don't break up two families because of your selfish needs and your "feelings". I'm sure you learned something in he military about BEING honorable, yes? Honor only shows in what you DO! You should have never communicated with her or seen her. It was over! Think long and hard- Some things you can't undo - especially when you harm others. And that woman would have "set things right" by NEVER contacting you! So she's doing things backwards too!
wilsonx Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) roar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I as well as other people on this forum understand how you feel, dont let the black and white thinkers come in here and put you down or tell you how you should act. Your actions and feelings are justified by being human. Sometimes, I wonder if half the people that post here are emotionless vulcans that must do the right thing all the time even when its an injustice to themselves Edited April 8, 2012 by wilsonx 2
Author Oscar1988 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 thanks support and hard realities all add to the whole process
mridul_chajilee Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 This will never end.We love becoz we love.We are here to manupulate our mind by NC Guide,GIGS etc etc.These all are theory only.But in practical its very painful.I have completed 3years of NC but still have the same feelings(not all day) as before and i know i have not any way,so i took anti depressive medicine to overcome and thats life.
Author Oscar1988 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Love is so difficult because it begins in the emotion and then buttressed by the mind in my opinion. Who can say what is right andnwhat is wrong in love. Mr.idul. thanks for your response. When I and others like Wilson have gone my similar situation it seems as if logically we know what the right thing but the two are intertwined. when logic gives way the heart feels what the heart feels. He is is Easter Sunday. I'm in church with my family enjoying the songs sung and the message and my eyes welling up and shedding tears over my ex-fiance. I am praying that God will give me healing. I am devout enough to know what the right thing is and disciplined enough to not act unlike Sunny's guess as to my character. I have not acted and even in my brief meeting sith my ex it did not go past aquaintances just meeting saying saying good-bye. My fear of hurting my spouse restains me. My desire of not hurting my ex's present husband is restraining me. Lasting my desire to not hurt my ex restrains me. My feelings love I don't think can go away. I will continue to do right but want to have some contact with my ex in my life. If she were to regress in her heart condition and I was not able to properly say farewell to her it would be a punishment worse than death. I don't think I could take that. It would be crushing to me. I don' t know it all a crazy mess is al I can say.
bradc Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Oscar - that's how love is..it's crazy, defies logic, painful and as beautiful as it is, often comes in the way of living a life properly. Please don't get me wrong - but you guys have moved on in your own lives, you both have family and kids to look after. And even though it's extremely painful, but I think you need to stay away from her and not contact her in the best interest of your family. You love her and will always do and so will she. I feel you should keep it to that, keeping in touch with her will only aggravate your situation and would hurt you even more, and at worst, can wreck your current family and that would be a disaster. So force yourself to stay away from her, I understand it'd be harder than hell, but IMHO it's the right thing to do for both of you under the current circumstances. I hope she recovers from her health condition soon. Good luck my friend
2sunny Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 Since the OW is still holding your heart and taking up THAT much space in your head - YOU haven't left any space in there for your wife. That's so unfair and completely u loving to your wife. And she doesn't even know! She doesn't know what it may actually look like IF she was with a husband who COMPLETELY lived her! That's just cruel - and nothing close to what she expected when she married you. All because of your "feelings"! Sheez... Get over yourself. You have a wife and six kids! There's nothing honorable about thinking of another woman that much.
Author Oscar1988 Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 Hey Brad thanks for the kind words. She is doing good right now just want to be able to know she is going to be ok. Know what I mean Sunny. While I appreciate your position I don't get the venom. You sound like a bitter person. Who says that someone can't love more than one petson. The heart is a mysterious thing and so is love. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense it just is what it is. I am just trying to be honest with myself and what is going on. This has actually been good for me in a way as it has made me deal and think of things that I've repressed. I may even seek sone professional help. I am trying to do the best thing and if that means dealing with past feelings and emotions then so be ut. You seem a little callous. Imhope that you have agreat marriage and are dealing with anything or worse in denial and refusing to. Best wishes to all.
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