What do you do about their perception?

[Itsonlyme66]

What can you do, if anything, when your ex's perception of you is nothing but complete crap?

 

He left 2/17. He's DONE. He's left so many times before. I would say anything, promise anything, etc. etc..... to get him back.

 

This time, I'm going NC. Over 2 weeks now. No word from him either. He told me to move on. That he would never forget how horrible our relationship was; how "bad" i was to him.

 

I know he looks back on our 6 years and remembers nothing good. He told me so. It cut me to the quick hearing that. I have loved this man, sacrificed for him, treated him great unless he treated me poorly (at the end I got verbally abusive too, since I had been on the receiving end of pretty bad emotional abuse for 4 out of the 6 years)..... i mean I was the glue literally that held us together the last couple years. When he was good he was GREAT and I haven't forgotten the good times. But for him to tell me I was the most terrible and worst relationship he had ever had, and now to drop off the face of the earth.... he's entitled to his opinion but honestly I don't deserve that, and it hurts me badly to know that is what he thinks of me.

 

I'm in NC but what can I do?

It really hurts that he's being so unfair and not looking at himself at all in this.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

I know where you are coming from. My ex is convinced that I used her, lied to her, broke promises and she wasted our entire time together

 

It's really hard to hear things like that especially when you know it is not true. Take heart in the fact that he probably does not believe it himself and is using it as a crutch to put you behind him. It's a childish way to live life, but for some that is their only coping mechanism ; it's easier to write off the ex as a horrible person than it is to take any responsibility for the failure. In my case I have even been threatened because I "made a lot of enemies". Wow, I can't begin to tell you how much that stings because I treated her like a queen. But I know she doesn't really believe it...

 

I read somewhere, probably here, that I am 100% responsible for 50% of this breakup. I like that. It's true. Whether or not the ex wants to believe or acknowledge that is beyond our control, all we can do is try to live with our own peace that we did all we could. Of course we made mistakes, we all do. But nobody can ever claim that they were 100% perfect in any relationship.

 

Hang in there, try not to let it get to you.

And STAY no contact. Chances of you getting a response that is satisfying is practically nill.

[xxSRMxx]

I can understand what you are going through, ive just split up with my boyfriend and when he was talking about our relationship he made out that I had been the worlds worst gf.... makes you feel like ****??

 

Stay NC, dont let ANYBODY make you feel like a terrible person if you deep down know in your heart your not. I have been making that mistake for years.

 

Stay strong x

[robkris8079]

How do you know what your ex thinks at all of the relationship? I have no clue what mine thinks of our 5 year relationship. I don't talk to her at all. Sometimes I think about it then I slap myself and ask why I am wasting my brain cells on it. She checked out of the relationship so who cares what she thinks.

 

I know I treated her right. I know I was great to her and I'm realizing I was putting in more effort. It's her loss. She can twist it in her mind all she wants. I will never know about it.

 

More time you spend think, wondering, asking yourself questions about the ex is time you are not thinking about yourself. Which is the only person worth thinking about now. Unless you have a kid like me. Then you have to think about them too.

[Itsonlyme66]

Yes.... he TOLD ME SO. He said he would try to "put it behind him".

 

I can't tell you guys how much I wanted this to work, how much I loved that guy, or how many times I tried to get some love back.

 

Sometimes, he gave what I guess I mistook for "love". All I know is, in the end, he said he didn't love me and wanted out. Mind you, I had been through this 13 other times in 6 years. Used to think he was having a mid-life crisis (he's 50 and I'm 45) but now I just think, Jesus... I started drinking the last year pretty heavy to "deal" with him, to cope with his mood shifts.... I know I said bad things. I know when he moved out I literally threw his stuff at him. And in the end? Guess who was the one to send a heartfelt email taking the blame for 200% of it? Yup, me. And even that didn't make him say, honey no it wasn't all you. I created most of our problems and you were just trying to hang in there.

No way.

I was a monster according to him, and I tear up everytime I think of that.

I really loved this man. for 6 years I only wanted him and nobody else.

 

I'm just struggling tonight.

[ItsJustTheWayItIs]

Silverblueandgold....has the right take on it, I believe. When I first left my husband all I did was blame him for the breakup...it was all his fault. After 7 weeks, support groups and reading certain books. I now realize that I was 50% of the problem. Rarely is a breakup one persons fault.

 

People are drawn together for certain reasons...broken people usually pick others that are broken...while healthy people usually pick other healthy people to have relationships with.

 

I won't go back to him because we are two broken people, so no matter what promises we would make to each other, nothing would change.

 

Concentrating on myself, and changing myself so that I can have a positive and healthy relationship in the future (or alone) is what my focus is on. I can't control him, but I sure as hell can learn to control me.

 

Good luck to you as I know this is a rough time.

[Itsonlyme66]

It's the weekend, I'm home here AGAIN for the 7th week in a row posting alone with greasy hair and a tired attitude.

 

It's so hard to keep what he's doing out of my mind. I need a hot shower. I'm depressed, lonely for him, and if I thought there was a 5% chance that it would do anything GOOD to text or call him, believe me, I would.

 

But I know that HE knows MY number, and knows how to contact me. and no matter what, I know that he knows I loved him. So he has to be the one.

 

In the meantime, while he's enjoying his single life/new relationship/whatever, I'm suffering and it's a time thing. It will take time. But it is REALLY hard to swallow that he thinks I caused this..... that I was the catalyst to us not working when he was the most important person in my world. The Good Lord knows I tried with him. I never left him, no matter what he said or did. I always took him back, and look where I am now..... the object of his scorn, bad words, etc.

 

It's just so hard.

[Meg717]

I can kind of relate. My ex took responsibility for things he had done wrong, however, when he left I felt like if I had changed it could have made a difference. It's been a little over a month and at this point I realize there was nothing I could have done. Even if I never snooped through his stuff or nagged or did any of the things I did that I felt caused the break up, it would have happened.

 

When he left I was devastated and just wished I could hate him for something, for me I felt that could be my coping mechanism. Well now I have that hate for him. Mainly because this week I realized he's a liar. I can't trust anything he says and I now know it wasn't me. Do I still get sad thinking about the happy moments? YESS!!! I still love him, I just know I deserve better.

 

You will be able to move on and you will find someone who loves you "for better or worse." Will there be times that person annoys you or you annoy them, of course, but the difference is they won't leave you for it! You won't look back and think I could have done things differently and maybe it could have worked out because this time, it will work out. Don't blame yourself and don't let him get in your head to make you think it's your fault.

 

Remember the words of Marilyn Monroe:

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”