Akward run in w xmm and wife

[SunsetRed]

Last night I had the most horrible run in/encounter w my xmm and his wife.

 

We've been finished for a long time and even though my heart still misses him, I still force myself to get out there and meet people who can realistically be with me.

 

Last night I was at one of my favorite bars and there in a back corner was xmm and the wife. I havent seen him in nearly a year and only knew her from a picture, but I knew it was them. I was shocked how much like a couple they looked. He had always described their relationship as being distant and cold.

 

Even though I am 98% over him, it still hurt. They have each other and I was at the bar alone. Also, it is weird for me to have my own perception of him. He has this other life that is completely separate from the life we had and this life is filled with many layers whereas the life he and I had was basically made of only a few layers of depth.

 

He and the wife looked like a middle aged couple that had been together forever. I left the bar feeling that I will always be alone and incomplete.

[carhill]

He had always described their relationship as being distant and cold.

 

This is the wonderful lesson of being an 'other' (OW/OM). It's the lesson of hearsay. Now, when a MW is bagging her H, I believe half of what she says and have my doubts about that half anyway. In my case, I made sure that the principal in my 'affair' met my now exW so she could verify/refute anything I said independently. Worked great. Transparency is a great pathway to health.

 

Glad to read you're 'getting out there'. There will come a day when you'll happen upon exMM and his W and feel nothing. It's a great place to be. Good luck

[OpenBook]

He and the wife looked like a middle aged couple that had been together forever. I left the bar feeling that I will always be alone and incomplete.

 

Yeah, well, you really don't know what it's actually like for them behind closed doors in their M. And you probably don't want to.

 

What is that expression so often used here - "The grass is always greener over a septic tank"?

 

It couldn't have been that great anyway if he went looking for you in the first place.

 

I think you're luckier than you realize, to be able to walk away from it.

Edited April 7, 2012 by OpenBook

[U472439]

Sounds like a bad night, sorry you had to go through that, especially as you clearly still have a place in your heart for this person. Echoing both the above posts that it's a) a good lesson in the nature of affair relationships, as well as b) you should be happy you're not involved in their life at all.

 

That said, I haven't yet had to go through this. Even tonight, there is a party that I'm invited to where I already know my xMW's husband is attending. Perhaps she'll also be there. I would have gone to the party without question before I learned that, but now, thinking I should just skip it. Sucks being in close proximity to an xAP, but then...see points a&b above.

[woinlove]

Last night I had the most horrible run in/encounter w my xmm and his wife.

 

We've been finished for a long time and even though my heart still misses him, I still force myself to get out there and meet people who can realistically be with me.

 

Last night I was at one of my favorite bars and there in a back corner was xmm and the wife. I havent seen him in nearly a year and only knew her from a picture, but I knew it was them. I was shocked how much like a couple they looked. He had always described their relationship as being distant and cold.

 

Even though I am 98% over him, it still hurt. They have each other and I was at the bar alone. Also, it is weird for me to have my own perception of him. He has this other life that is completely separate from the life we had and this life is filled with many layers whereas the life he and I had was basically made of only a few layers of depth.

 

He and the wife looked like a middle aged couple that had been together forever. I left the bar feeling that I will always be alone and incomplete.

 

That sucks that you saw them and it's understandable that it still hurts. Often MM paint an inaccurate picture of their M. I remember finding out xMM and his W still had really hot sex, despite him saying they had no sex at all. She told me and then he admitted it.

 

But no matter how many layers their M has or doesn't have, there is no way you have to be always alone and incomplete. This encounter may have dredged up some feelings of insecurity that are common when affairs end, but it will pass. Just acknowledge the feelings, fix your determination again to make your life what you want it, bring the activities and people (not just romantic interests) you want into your life. When you are happy doing things you enjoy, loving people around you, romantic love will come along too.

 

Your feelings are understandable, but they will pass, leaving room for something better.

[UpwardForward]

Please don't consider yourself 'alone'.

 

It's wonderful to be married, but to the right person. Some marriages are that of just 'making do'.

 

Being single means the world is yours. The world is open to you. You have the choice and freedom to do with your life what you wish. Everyday can be considered a continuation of projects started - or a fresh start toward new ideas and horizons.

[wannabdone]

I am sorry for your evening, I couldn't imagine running into my xMM and his wife.

 

but, one thing that stood out to me was you saying "they looked like a middle aged couple". You have the ability in your life to not just be the normal middle aged couple with someone. You have the ability to be in a loving relationship. One that if someone see's you that once knew you (or even your xMM) they will walk away saying "wow, she looked like she was in a loving and wonderful relationship"

 

That is what you want, and THAT is what you have the ability to go get. You will be there. NEVER SETTLE! If anything, you have learned what you want and deserve in life...and that is a heck of a lot better than a lot of ppl who are settling to just be "average".

[Lostinlife4now]

Oh Sunset....my heart bleeds for you! I know you are 99% over him and it...but that 1% is the killer....

 

You are doing just fine...so if you are alone at the bar...I'd rather be alone than in a unhappy marriage.....Understand....

 

And he is only lying to himself........and her......

 

Hugs........................................................

[whichwayisup]

Last night I had the most horrible run in/encounter w my xmm and his wife.

 

We've been finished for a long time and even though my heart still misses him, I still force myself to get out there and meet people who can realistically be with me.

 

Last night I was at one of my favorite bars and there in a back corner was xmm and the wife. I havent seen him in nearly a year and only knew her from a picture, but I knew it was them. I was shocked how much like a couple they looked. He had always described their relationship as being distant and cold.

 

Even though I am 98% over him, it still hurt. They have each other and I was at the bar alone. Also, it is weird for me to have my own perception of him. He has this other life that is completely separate from the life we had and this life is filled with many layers whereas the life he and I had was basically made of only a few layers of depth.

 

He and the wife looked like a middle aged couple that had been together forever. I left the bar feeling that I will always be alone and incomplete.

 

Sorry you're hurting. Tough reality check, but hopefully by seeing them and how they were together as a couple will help rid you of the 2 percent that still has your heart.

 

Wish them well and close that door forever.

 

DO NOT let this make you feel alone or feel incomplete. When the timing is right and you're ready, you'll meet (single) someone and have a healthy relationship.

 

This doesn't have to be a negative thing - Turn it into a positive!

[Gentlegirl2]

Nasty experience for you. It was a dose of reality and once you get over the bad taste it left in your mouth, you will be up and running again. Now you KNOW what the reality is.

 

Sometimes I look at couples in bars or restaurants. Some of them have a glazed over/bored/vacant look . They eat and drink without exchanging a word.

 

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than get that look. Being single is great. I can pick and choose who, what where and whenever I like. I don't feel as though being single matters a bit because I have healed from my A and lost that feeling of being the third wheel.

 

I am happy and at peace with it all now.

 

YOu will be there one day too Sunset.

 

Happy Easter and Best Wishes,

 

GG

[seren]

Sunset, I hope that seeing them together has given you closure and that you can move forward and have all your heart to give to someone who will give the same back to you. I am sure you will not always be alone. I hope you can see it as positive and while I am sure it must have hurt to see them in your favourite bar, that you get out there and live your life to the full. Take care x

 

(Not for Sunset)

You know, being a middle aged couple who look as though they have been together for ages isn't necessarily a bad thing, middle age happens to everyone (hopefully) and with time comes familiarity and love. Just the MM's bad that he played two women who loved him.

[MissBee]

Last night I had the most horrible run in/encounter w my xmm and his wife.

 

We've been finished for a long time and even though my heart still misses him, I still force myself to get out there and meet people who can realistically be with me.

 

Last night I was at one of my favorite bars and there in a back corner was xmm and the wife. I havent seen him in nearly a year and only knew her from a picture, but I knew it was them. I was shocked how much like a couple they looked. He had always described their relationship as being distant and cold.

Even though I am 98% over him, it still hurt. They have each other and I was at the bar alone. Also, it is weird for me to have my own perception of him. He has this other life that is completely separate from the life we had and this life is filled with many layers whereas the life he and I had was basically made of only a few layers of depth.

He and the wife looked like a middle aged couple that had been together forever. I left the bar feeling that I will always be alone and incomplete.

 

Sorry about that. You're definitely not incomplete, even if you're alone. We all have to be alone at some point before finding someone. Don't let it get you down. You too can and will find someone who will love and be with you, and hopefully not cheat on you.

 

To the bolded: isn't that the truth. As much as people will claim to know their AP in and out, if you don't have an open relationship with them where you see them in all lights and you're his legitimate woman to all who are looking, then you don't know them all that well. I was reading a book about dating and this particular aspect made sense for affairs too. The author was saying that people no longer have a formal dating process but have a hook up culture where people "hang out" and a man comes over or you go to his house and you hang out and have sex and it gets comfortable and you feel like you are so close and intimate and know them so well because you spend time together in close quarters....but you don't know them that well at all and often you don't even know where the relationship is going or if it is a relationship. She was comparing a formal dating structure where people went out, went to events together, they also went out in groups with that person's friends, then eventually met the family and all that allows you to truly know that person and also get to know people who know them well, versus that insular "relationship" where you see them a lot, talk a lot, have sex a lot, but it's at someone's house and not out in the world and around other important people in BOTH your lives.

 

If you never go out in the daytime, are never with him and his friends, never meet his family, don't see him in a myriad of social setting besides on your bed, on your couch, in a hotel or basically ANY place removed from his normal life and his normal interactions (as people will probably cite that they go to other places in public but usually that place is in another town or country and not the neighborhood place where his family and friends or BS will see you)...you don't know him very well at all. It is so true and made me cringe and it is the same with As.....spending a lot of time with someone as many APs will argue that they do, yet all this time is usually removed from a lot of other aspects of the person's regular life, in essence you spend a lot of time with them but in an alternative "side life", hence often it is a fantasy relationship. Not because feelings are fake etc. but because it only exists or is sustained outside of their normal life.

Edited April 8, 2012 by MissBee

[whichwayisup]

Also, it is weird for me to have my own perception of him. He has this other life that is completely separate from the life we had and this life is filled with many layers whereas the life he and I had was basically made of only a few layers of depth.

 

This is very wise and something all OW and OM need to realize.

[MissBee]

Nasty experience for you. It was a dose of reality and once you get over the bad taste it left in your mouth, you will be up and running again. Now you KNOW what the reality is.

 

Sometimes I look at couples in bars or restaurants. Some of them have a glazed over/bored/vacant look . They eat and drink without exchanging a word.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than get that look. Being single is great. I can pick and choose who, what where and whenever I like. I don't feel as though being single matters a bit because I have healed from my A and lost that feeling of being the third wheel.

I am happy and at peace with it all now.

 

YOu will be there one day too Sunset.

 

Happy Easter and Best Wishes,

 

GG

 

Soo happy for you

 

I also agree. I realize that all aspects of your life have fulfilling elements in them! You have to find the fulfillment in the now and not always live hoping for some other time or looking around thinking other people have it better because of xyz. Right now as a single person I do have certain privileges and certain things I do not have to worry about that people in relationships have to. You always have to give up something to get something else. It's not better or worse...it has its pros and cons and I enjoy what singleness brings me now. I always remind myself that I have been in relationships and when it was good I was on cloud nine and when we had a fight....I was in the pits. When I get caught up thinking about oh if I had a relationship life would be rosier....I remember no, not true. I MAKE MY LIFE! Even when I was in a relationship, I still had highs and lows and my partner was not responsible for giving life to me. People are in lonely marriages all the time....so really, your relationship status is not what defines you or how happy your life is, you can have a married life of hell and a single life of hell too. The QUALITY of your is YOUR responsibility and you should be able to maintain it as a single person and when you're a part of a couple you continue to do so as well.

Edited April 8, 2012 by MissBee

[FightClub]

MissBee,

 

Completely agree with your replies.

 

You don't know the exAP, as much as you think you did if you were not in an open relationship with them. Total agreement, we only get slivers of what they want to present, enough to entice the AP so they don't become suspicious of what's really there; A marriage, regardless of it's state at the time. They are married.

 

And being single...Yes, it's a blessing! Don't have to compromise until you're ready to and then compromise is to yield a positive and healthy relationship, all the things a affair will never provide.

 

-FC

[Gentlegirl2]

I have NEVER been alone in my life before.

 

IN 62 years I had never lived alone. There had always been somebody living with me. It was a huge adjustment. I have learned how to enjoy my freedom and I will be probably never give it up again.

 

I might say in all the years I was married to my late husband, we were never at a loss for conversation. When we went out for dinner or drinks, we never had the blank, glazed looks. I was never bored with him... even when he had Alzheimers... then he turned into a Romeo with every woman he saw. He always made me laugh.

 

Life is good and without the A it is SOOOOO easy. What a monumental battle we put ourselves through for ZILCH!!! It is good to let it go.

 

GG

[alexandria35]

Soo happy for you

 

I also agree. I realize that all aspects of your life have fulfilling elements in them! You have to find the fulfillment in the now and not always live hoping for some other time or looking around thinking other people have it better because of xyz. Right now as a single person I do have certain privileges and certain things I do not have to worry about that people in relationships have to. You always have to give up something to get something else. It's not better or worse...it has its pros and cons and I enjoy what singleness brings me now. I always remind myself that I have been in relationships and when it was good I was on cloud nine and when we had a fight....I was in the pits. When I get caught up thinking about oh if I had a relationship life would be rosier....I remember no, not true. I MAKE MY LIFE! Even when I was in a relationship, I still had highs and lows and my partner was not responsible for giving life to me. People are in lonely marriages all the time....so really, your relationship status is not what defines you or how happy your life is, you can have a married life of hell and a single life of hell too. The QUALITY of your is YOUR responsibility and you should be able to maintain it as a single person and when you're a part of a couple you continue to do so as well.

 

This is so true. I've been completely single for about 2 years now. It's the first time I've been single in years and it's been a real learning experience. Most notably is the fact that even in the absence of anyone significant in my life I still have a full range of emotions. Lol...that sounds so dumb to say but I honestly used to assign all of my feelings to the SO in my life. If I was happy I thought it was because they made me happy and if I was miserable it was because they made me miserable. But now I'm all alone and sometimes I'm really happy and sometimes I'm really miserable and I'm just now learning that my happiness or unhappiness is really all mine and not the responsibility of someone else. I no longer feel like I have to find that special someone to make me happy or make my life feel fullfilling because as MissBee says there are both negative and positive aspects to being single and to being in relationship. Since I'm single I choose to focus on the positve aspects of that and not dwell too much on the negative. Should I become involved with someone down the road I will then focus on the positives of being part of a couple rather than the negatives.

[trinity1]

A note of warning- this is a very common justification on here. It isn't necessarily true. A marriage can be good but if a WS had a problem inside themselves they can have an affair anyway that has nothing to do with th BS or the marriage. A WS being a drunk is much the same, it's a problem inside them and it's no one else's fault and not a reflection of the marriage except with regard to their contribution to it.

 

The marriage is hardly good even when the problem lies within the WS. Serial cheaters for example are usually intimacy avoidant on top of being sex addicts and thus their issues will be reflected within the marriage.

[donnamaybe]

I offer you this other view...the view that I am glad you saw him/her and you see with your own eyes that stuff he said about their marriage wasn't necessarily true. If 2 people are distant and cool, why go to a bar together? Towards the end of my marriage, I despised my H and I never would have gone anywhere with him the last year of our marriage. No matter what others say, the mere fact that they are out together implies to me that things at home weren't that bad.

 

And once again, a wife/husband can't MAKE their partner cheat. For goodness sake, can we stop with that already? A person cheats because THEY WANT TO; not because life at home is perfect (or isn't perfect) or anything like that. Get off all the blaming of the wife crap. Its old and not even valid.

 

Sunset, I hope seeing them get you the 2% you needed to be done with him. I hope you can truly put him in the past and move forward. When you stop looking for someone is when you end up finding someone. Live your life to the fullest! Good luck to you!

 

Totally agree. By the time my M was bad I pretty much had no desire to go on a date with my stbxh. There was no illusion that our M was anything but "fork tender."

 

Sunset, you will find the one who makes your life complete. Never settle for being anyone's second ever again, and I'm not just referring to the position of OW.

[donnamaybe]

The marriage is hardly good even when the problem lies within the WS. Serial cheaters for example are usually intimacy avoidant on top of being sex addicts and thus their issues will be reflected within the marriage.

 

Indeed....

[OpenBook]

A note of warning- this is a very common justification on here. It isn't necessarily true. A marriage can be good but if a WS had a problem inside themselves they can have an affair anyway that has nothing to do with th BS or the marriage. A WS being a drunk is much the same, it's a problem inside them and it's no one else's fault and not a reflection of the marriage except with regard to their contribution to it.

 

I will never believe a marriage is "good" when one of the spouses is cheating behind the other's back.

 

I am a little puzzled, however, why so many BS's here exhibit such a virulent "It-Aint-My-Fault" hair-trigger mentality on the subject of assigning blame in regard to the state of their marriage. This isn't about blame! Nowhere in my post did I assign blame to the BS (or anyone else for that matter).

 

As is thoroughly and exhaustively documented right here in this OM/OW forum, it's a fruitless exercise to try to assign blame. It wouldn't be at all unreasonable to point the "blame finger" at the very structure of marriage itself, and human nature, and the way human life evolves. For young people to make a lifelong promise of unwavering fidelity, love and faithfulness to somebody they really don't know all that well... not to mention having no idea how their partner & themselves will change down the road, or what life is going to throw at them in the next 60 years of their lifetimes... could easily & rationally be interpreted as ludicrous, a form of insanity, completely nuts.

 

I firmly believe that instead of relentlessly pointing fingers at others all the time, it would be a much more positive & productive approach - and could greatly reduce the chances of cheating - if both spouses took responsibility for "righting the ship" of their own M when it goes off-course. And that includes taking a good hard look in the mirror, on both parts. No getting around that.

 

But all that is between the 2 spouses in the marriage. It has nothing to do with the outside party. In the OP's case, she doesn't have a window into their M. I'm trying to point out to her that it may not be all sunshine and rainbows and ponies in there, like she imagines it to be.

 

As I and other posters have pointed out on this thread, there are definitely major advantages to being single over being in a M - especially an unhappy one.

 

Marriage ain't no cakewalk. It's not what it appears to be on the outside.

[donnamaybe]

Marriages can be dissolved sans sneaking and lying. Whoever is the proven sneaky liar is guaranteed to be someone with issues that also bleed over into creating problems in the M. That's a no brainer.

[trinity1]

Marriages can be dissolved sans sneaking and lying. Whoever is the proven sneaky liar is guaranteed to be someone with issues that also bleed over into creating problems in the M. That's a no brainer.

 

Exactly what I was thinking except I would have used a different terminology.

[woinlove]

I didn't see the OP suggesting it was all sunshine and rainbows, but she did see a married couple who looked and acted like a married couple. This in itself can be a wakeup call, a blow, a surprise,... depending on how MM presented his M. Even if it's painful, it is another lesson that often people who are, and stay, married are really functioning as a married couple, even if one of them has been or is unfaithful. Sometimes OW/OM can lose sight of that fact due to the combination of what MM/MW say and what one wants or hopes for. And along with the pain can come a realization that moves one from 98% to 100% toward the path of their happier future.

[spice4life]

I'm sorry your feeling bad sunsetred, but I also see this as a complete blessing in disguise. You now can see and accept that your xMM sold you a bucket of lies, which many of them do. They paint the BS in a certain light to keep the two women at odds with one another while they sit there free of all responsibility. Now you know for sure that the guy is a complete letch who will (if he isn't already) most likely cheat again. The fact that he got so angry that you maintained NC a while ago is proof of that as well. I mean seriously, it was like he was mad that you weren't available to be his booty call anymore. What a douche.

 

I know it hurts right now to see the reality of who he is as a person, but that will give way to relief in time. Relief that he is no longer your problem and that you dodged a bullet. Once you're past the shock of seeing them together, you will probably begin to feel sorry for his wife that she has chosen to stay married to such a manipulator. I would anyway.