waiting4u Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Sorry this is long but it requires a bit of back story: My BF and I have been sleeping together for the past 6 weeks. We were friends before that for about 6-7 months, so I'm not completely freaked out that the relationship is moving so fast - he says he "loves" me, has had a crush on me for years, etc. etc. He's not particularly handsome and not the player type as far as I know, and we are quite public about our relationship. Everyone who knows him tells me he is a great guy and glad that we are "finally" together. Last night I discovered that he told a pretty bad lie to me a while back. When we first started sleeping together, he told me his phone was broken for about a week or so. This was fishy, so I got fed up and cut off all contact. Within 24 hours of no contact, he turned the phone back on. His explanation at the time was that a client was planning a huge event and had a thing for him. She was calling him often and he was trying to ignore her without hurting her feelings until after the event happened so he could collect his commission. Well, last night he told me that there was more to the story - he had slept with the girl before we were together. He says it was only once, but at the time she was calling him and here's the thing - he slept with her literally SEVEN DAYS before he and I slept together the first time. For me that is completely gross. I mean GROSS. He has apologized profusely, but now i feel like I can't trust anything he says and am worrying that this girl might still be in the picture. I know who she is and my best friend and i have checked out her Facebook page. I told him this and he FLIPPED. He thinks I am being sort of insanely jealous and irrational - am I? He claims he has told her about me (probably had to the day he turned his phone back on) and I believe him to some extent. I also believe he's crazy about me. I mean, it's obvious. But men have hurt me in the past and I've been naive. Should I be worried that he's cheating and continue to sort of "investigate" this situation? Or am I just being nuts? By investigate I mean there are some mutual friends that are pretty neutral and would probably tell me the truth.
SmileFace Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 When he slept with her 7 days prior to you guys sleeping together, were you both exclusive at that point?
Author waiting4u Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 No, and I was going to add that we had quite a few pseudo-dates before then. We would get together for drinks and have long conversations, but it was never officially a "date," at least for me. No, we weren't exclusive I'd say until after that first night, after which he made all sorts of declarations of devotion and mushy stuff. It was kind of assumed and we had "the talk" a week later. It's still a LIE. That's my concern. 3
SmileFace Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I agree with your boyfriend so....Anyway hope someone can come in and shed some light on your situation, hope you get this worked out. 1
Author waiting4u Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Yeah, but when you think you know someone they can always surprise you. I've been cheated on before. But yeah, reading back through this it does sound like I have jealousy issues.
veggirl Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I would be skeeved, sure, but you weren't exclusive so I am not sure I'd be *mad* about the sex. The phone being "broken" for a week...yes that'd piss me off. I'd have questioned it when it happened though. 1
udolipixie Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Probably best suited not to investigate and just drop the guy for lying.
Author waiting4u Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 I would be skeeved, sure, but you weren't exclusive so I am not sure I'd be *mad* about the sex. The phone being "broken" for a week...yes that'd piss me off. I'd have questioned it when it happened though. Well I did actually question it on here and everyone was like "he's totally cheating" but his explanation seemed somewhat kosher at the time and I really like him, so . . .
Professor X Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I think you are nuts, yes. Sorry, but with all due respect, you guys are together for only 6 weeks and thus I can understand why he wouldn't feel comfortable enough to tell you he slept with her and instead made up some half arsed lie (which didn't really hurt anyone), while you think he lied, he also did come clean on his own. As far as him having sex with her, if you find it gross, that's your thing, but mind you, you were not together and last I checked, no-one can see the future in the sense of, he probably didn't know you guys would sleep a week after.
Imajerk17 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 There's enough gray here to let this one (the incident, not your boyfriend) go.
veggirl Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Well I did actually question it on here and everyone was like "he's totally cheating" but his explanation seemed somewhat kosher at the time and I really like him, so . . . I vaguelly remember that, I think. Well, now you know what he was doing. Yuck. This is just a really bad way to get a relationship off the ground. 1
Imajerk17 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) I read your previous thread and it is just a really hard story to follow. I'm still not sure how turning off his phone would not offend this other girl (if his story is correct) or how it would enable him to cheat on you (if he was lying). I guess I'm not seeing what getting rid of his phone for a week has anything to do with anything. Edited April 7, 2012 by Imajerk17
Author waiting4u Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 I read your previous thread and it is just a really hard story to follow. I'm still not sure how turning off his phone would not offend this other girl (if his story is correct) or how it would enable him to cheat on you (if he was lying). I guess I'm not seeing what getting rid of his phone for a week has anything to do with anything. I know, it's completely stupid lol. I do feel kind of terrible for giving him such a bad time about it. He's not really good at dating, much less multi-dating (which is gross eww). I suppose I should be thankful he came clean about it. I guess now I'm just worried I come across as an overly jealous psycho because I don't trust him.
Imajerk17 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I know, it's completely stupid lol. I do feel kind of terrible for giving him such a bad time about it. He's not really good at dating, much less multi-dating (which is gross eww). I suppose I should be thankful he came clean about it. I guess now I'm just worried I come across as an overly jealous psycho because I don't trust him. You're a woman, you're allowed to have an occasional freak-out lol. Let it go, tell him you're letting it go, but do keep your eyes open. Trust but verify from time to time. So what attracted you to this guy in the first place?
Author waiting4u Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Why do I like him? He's a lot like me - in so many ways it's uncanny. We like the same things. He's really kind and gentle and has it together, meaning he's wise in a lot of ways about life. He's over the moon crazy about me and not afraid to tell me so - and that's so refreshing after all the emotionally unavailable jerks I've dated. He's really expressive and makes me laugh all the time - I mean we laugh SO much and have so much fun together. We connect in amazing ways. He lets me be myself and makes me feel like I am a cool person just the way I am and doesn't try and change me. He sends me love letters and poetry like a fool, which is really sweet. I feel like he understands me. Umm - some more - he has a huge **** and the sex is fabulous. He's a great kisser. He smells like heaven. blah bah blah Thanks for making me write this. Awesome. 4
kaylan Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) The sex before hand would bother me a little bit, but if I wasnt exclusive with the person than its not a deal breaker but Id still be pretty pissed. Like Heart of a Lion said, when dating someone for a relationship, I feel its disrespectful to screw someone else. This is just me, but if Ive liked a girl for a long time, and if weve gone on dates and Ive made it up in my mind that shes who I want as a gf, then I wont hook up with anyone else. I do feel thats disrespectful to sleep with someone else, but if we werent technically exclusive its not an automatic dealbreaker. Lying on the other hand is a big deal breaker for me. Id be done in an instant. Honesty and loyalty means a lot to me, and if someone lies to me once, I know they can do it again. No thanks. Edited April 7, 2012 by kaylan 3
SmileFace Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 That is irrelevant. You don't sleep with other people when you are dating someone for a relationship, that is so disrespectful to your future SO. When you respect the person you date for a relationship, then you DO NOT sleep with other people. Period. The word exclusivity has been introduced by people who want to f*ck around while dating people. It's an attempt to legitimize cheating and lying about it. How exactly does one know they are dating their future significant other? If you don't believe in multi dating, that is fine. However that doesn't mean what you are saying is the right way. It is just "a way". I personally don't think what he done prior to their relationship has anything to do with her. If she actually questioned what happened between him and the lady friend and he lied - that will be a different story. However your reply doesn't directly relate to the op. Anyway let's just agree to disagree on that. 2
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 That is irrelevant. You don't sleep with other people when you are dating someone for a relationship, that is so disrespectful to your future SO. When you respect the person you date for a relationship, then you DO NOT sleep with other people. Period. The word exclusivity has been introduced by people who want to f*ck around while dating people. It's an attempt to legitimize cheating and lying about it. One of the dumbest pieces of advice I've seen on loveshack. This is like saying you shouldn't take temp or part-time jobs when you're looking for full-time work. In order for someone to say something like the above, you obviously do not meet that many women.
carhill Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Hmm...had a crush on OP for years, friends for months, making love for weeks, saying he loves her and, yet, he had no issue dipping his wick into someone else a week before making love with her. While he may technically be allowed such indulgences, IMO such actions speak to his frame of mind and sincerity in all this crushing and friendship and love stuff. Then there's the other part; the creative truth. Hmm... 6
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Read my second reply where I explain things further. If you do not understand my perspective from that reply, then I question your integrity. I read your second reply and I understand your perspective. Two things I noticed however: your prudery against sex is greater than the OP's; you don't meet that many women.
FitChick Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) He was an idiot for telling you anything because look at the problem he's caused. The guilty party might feel a bit better but he makes someone else feel worse. People who feel guilty for their actions should become Catholic and go to confession. He doesn't sound like someone who would cheat once he's stated he is exclusive, however. He sounds like a good enough sort of guy that you might have a problem finding anyone better, frankly. He gets one mistake and he already made it so move on and enjoy the relationship. Edited April 8, 2012 by FitChick 1
Imajerk17 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Hmm...had a crush on OP for years, friends for months, making love for weeks, saying he loves her and, yet, he had no issue dipping his wick into someone else a week before making love with her. While he may technically be allowed such indulgences, IMO such actions speak to his frame of mind and sincerity in all this crushing and friendship and love stuff. Then there's the other part; the creative truth. Hmm... If all this was indeed true, then why didnt they become exclusive earlier? If waitingfor was the one w the doubts then I can see why the guy slept w the other girl.
carhill Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Good point... OP, why did his crush go unrequited for *years*?
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I don't follow your logic. So because I have an issue with the lying and deception I'm a prude? You're the one trying to mask your lack of integrity by trying to attack my character. It's pretty obvious that when people start attacking your character, that they're out of arguments. So your reply says more about you, than it says about me. You try to pretend the issue is lying and deception. But the real issue you have a problem with is sex. You just don't wanna admit it. Your long post is littered with your disdain for women who have sex while dating you. Lying and deception don't only involve sex. It can involve: manipulating you to get what she wants or having a nonsexual emotional affair with another man. You didn't talk about either of those things. You just wailed against the issue of sex. That says more about you than it says about me. You make a big deal out of a woman having sex with another man prior to dating you. But she could easily have sex with another man before you start dating her. So what's the big deal?
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