pebbles7 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I am sorry for the length of this in advance. Thank you for reading if you do. Okay, I am going to try and make this long story as short as possible by listing and numbering things. 1. My mother and I have never gotten along. I told her about sexual abuse allegations when I was 7, which could have been a misunderstanding, but she never did anything about it one way or another. She called me dramatic and said I was misinterpreting b/c it was my grandfather. 2. Throughout my childhood she promised me I could study and do what I wanted in college since she would not let me study the performing arts before I was 18. When I went to school, after 2 years she and my father agreed to stop allowing me to continue school because I was partying on weekends and experimenting with dating girls, despite the fact that I had perfect grades and was involved in several volunteer efforts and positive groups. It was typical art school college stuff, but they did not approve, which would have been understandable if she had not made me the same promise since age 6 and took it back. My dad never promised me anything. 3. When my mother met my ex-husband, the first thing she said was "Wow, you have got pretty eyes!" and it really felt like she was flirting with him. But he hated my family so I never thought anything of the phrase until she met my most recent boyfriend, my now ex bf and son's father. She said the exact same thing to him, except he was really loving towards her. 4. He was close to his mom who had died, and at first I thought he was just being nice and needed a maternal figure in his life, but after awhile, I felt like they were flirting with one another. I told him that I had problems with her and not to be close to her and to please just be polite, but he just ignored me. He kept inviting her over for breakfast and bought us matching mom and grandma bibs. It was nauseating, he was obsessed with her and always asked me if I had talked to her that day, and what she was doing and how she was. 5. It the hospital, we had an issue and it was an emotional time for the family. During this episode, my mother took his face and put it in between her breasts and embraced him deeply for at least 10 - 20 seconds. Now they both deny this. 6. In previous years, when i was with my ex-husband I went to a therapist because he was hitting me and I thought maybe it was my fault and could make the relationship better on my end. The therapist told me that my mother was jealous of me and that was why I was having so many problems in life 7. Also in previous years when I had dreams about the person that I was with cheating on me, they would really turn out to be cheating in the same way that I dreamed in real life with the same person I had dreamed of. This happened with 3 different men, over 20 different times that my dreams were true. One man was a real big cheater because he felt that men should sleep with whoever they wanted to, and confirmed all my dreams about him, approximately 18 or so. 8. I dreamed my mother and boyfriend had sex when I was in the hospital having my son and later when I became a Christian about 10 months later. I asked them to take a lie detector and they both refused. I did not beleive them at that point, but my family believes my mother because they say that lie detectors are only like 60% accurate, and of course they think dreams are ridiculous. 9. So now, this guy wants to be back with me, and I honestly don't. He is a non-Christian first off, but claims to be a believer because he is Catholic. But he does not follow the Bible and does not care about the Word of God so Catholic or not he is not a believer. He only believes that God and Jesus exist, he does not follow the lifestyle of a Christian, so the Bible warns me against being with him. But I worry that if he becomes a Christian, I still just can't be with him because I think they are lying to me, and if he had sex with my mom, it's just gross and also Biblically an abomination. 10. If I did not have a child with him, I would not even talk to this guy again, and I do not want to be with him, nor do I love him. I miss our relationship sometimes, but that usually goes away after about 10 seconds when I remember what he did. I Just think they are lying, but I have no proof and no one believes me. So I guess I'd like to hear what others think, and if others think I sound ridiculous. 11. I know I can't be the only one in the world whose dreams about their partner cheating have turned out to be true, and even in the Bible, God speaks to us through our dreams. 12. But also on top of the whole thing with my mother, though he denies it all, I feel he: -checks out other women in public when I'm with him -overtips attractive waitresses right in front of me like $20 - $50 or more -flirts with other women in front of me -and one time I found long, straight hairs in his underwear. He was in the shower, and I was taking some clothes into the bathroom to do laundry and his clothes were laying on the floor with 3 or 4 long hairs in them. at the time I had 7 inch hair that was curly. -I have also had dreams about him throughout the relationship. Overall, I don't like him and have been much happier since we've been broken up. I'd just like to hear what others have to say about things.
ReneeMalcolm Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Hi there, Honestly speaking I think he's a sleazy womanizer and there's nothing you can do to change him. You're wasting your time with such an unfaithful and sorry to say, obnoxious man. You should get rid of him and find someone who upholds morals and family values. Always remember a leopard never changes its spots. So he will never change. You need to be sensible and practical. Best of luck!
lizardking8610 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I mean this really is a no brainer run away from this dude! Focus on yourself and emotionally mature. Ask yourself some question Why do I always pick cheaters? What are the pros and cons of taking him back? I'm guessing many cons What kind of relationship do I want with my mother? How do I plan to cope with all the emotional baggage I am carrying? As a christian myself I think it is important, but never easy, to LET GO AND LET GOD. if you're micromanaging and over analyzing this where does God fit in? I would say that you should focus on God, Your Child and Yourself in that order! Toxic relationships are toxic no matter who they are with (mom or bf) and you need to make a decision about what you are going to do with these relationships. Typically trying to fix a toxic relationship requires changing or "fixing" the toxic person and in turn neglecting the most important aspect of life; personal growth. Don't be a victim it's comfortable and fuzzy but it wont help you grow. Learned helplessness is a disease Take charge and take action! WWJD
lalalandman Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 You're just as guilty as he is and if you were really happy then you wouldn't be here going on about this. What do you want sympathy? Validation that he's the biggest arse in the world and you're just a victim? How about focusing inward and try pinpointing your own issues. You're only victim to yourself. He has his own issues obviously, but trying to excuse yourself based on his dirty actions is just a cop out.
Author pebbles7 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) You're just as guilty as he is and if you were really happy then you wouldn't be here going on about this. What do you want sympathy? Validation that he's the biggest arse in the world and you're just a victim? How about focusing inward and try pinpointing your own issues. You're only victim to yourself. He has his own issues obviously, but trying to excuse yourself based on his dirty actions is just a cop out. I did not post this for sympathy. I posted because my family keeps saying I am crazy for letting him go and that he is a great guy. I just wanted to see if others saw what I saw in this situation. I don't play the victim, he was a bad choice, and I did not know how to make good ones in the past, and now I do. I just wanted to know if I was as crazy for believing he was not faithful. I have no other opinions but him and my family, that is why I posted this. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was just trying to excuse my own past mistakes and get others just to persecute him. The only reason that I reconsidered the breakup was because he asked to be back and we share a child, but I really don't want to be with him again. I just need some other viewpoints. In terms of those of you -- LizardKing and Lalalandman -- that have brought up dating the wrong men, it came with the lifestyle I used to lead. Going out, the nightlife etc. I have turned away from that and am a happy and peaceful mom. But unfortunately, this guy and the others are relics from those nightclub days which is why they are mostly womanizers and cruel. Trust me, before settlling down again, I will be meeting someone that is Christian, that I hopefully met on eharmony so that we can hopefully have a better chance at compatibility and someone that I've known for awhile and can trust. LizardKing, in regards to my mom and family, if I could move on with me and my son's life at this point, and never come back home, I probably would. I think it would be healthier for both sides. However, as a Christian, I know that I have to honor my family no matter what they have done, and as a Christian, as long as they want me to be a part of their lives, I will continue because it is the right thing to do. However, I am moving out of the area though as soon as possible for myself so that I can have at least some distance from them. When I live away from my family, I usually feel better. Thank all 3 of you for replying with your opinions on the situation. I was going out of my mind with all of my family telling me I was completely wrong and crazy, and making this huge mistake with him. My gut kept screaming at me but with so many others you are supposed to love and respect telling you otherwise, it is pretty miserable trying to make a decision. But now as I think about it, I think that maybe they have to believe I'm wrong and crazy, because if they accept even for a second that mom is lying, they probably could not take it. LizardKing and ReneeMalcom especially thank you so much. Your help was like a breath of fresh air. Edited April 8, 2012 by pebbles7 1
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