Titania22 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 People keep asking if you have changed your behaviour, and you haven't answered the question.
Jane2011 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) If two people live together and sleep in the same bed every night, I'd say one to three times a week is reasonable. (I know many people think "once a week" is very low, but I don't think so necessarily. Some couples are working and doing school, have a lot of stressful daytime goings-on; they sleep together and hold each other every night; they just don't "do it" except once a week; when you've been together two, three plus years, I don't think it's all that unreasonable). If you slip below once a week (no matter how many years the relationship has existed), I think that's a problem. My ideal, if I live with a guy or am married to him (and the relationship is established past the two year mark), is three times a week. I'm usually extremely horny at the beginning of a relationship. In fact, that's almost all I want to do. But from experience I know that it does lose its luster after a while, and that's okay. As long as you stay attracted and still do it often enough. I would always do it as often as the guy I'm with wants to (within reason). I'm flexible, and if I want the relationship, I want to accommodate in every area I can. Even if, to me, three times a week is plenty, I'd do it once a day if those were his needs. If multiple times a day, though, that might be beyond me and bring me to the point of irritation. Edited April 8, 2012 by Jane2011
phineas Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Jeez, dude, you have to talk to her. Ask her if everything is ok. Ask her what she needs to feel more interested in sex. If she is mentioning toys she likes -- maybe she's trying to send you a hint. Is she on the pill? Has she changed any sleep, diet, or exercise routines? All of these things can affect hormones and libido. Have YOU changed your behavior? Do you treat her the same way you did when you were first dating? My wife told me "nothing was wrong" right up until I caught her cheating. Not saying OP's girl is cheating, but i'm saying she won't tell him because in all likely hood it really is HER & not him. If there isnt sexual compatibility then its best to cut the cord earlier rather than later. Dump her and move on. It wont get better if you stay. Any man or woman whos dealt with a partner like this will tell you that. And no you arent shallow. Sexual compatibility is as important as mental and emotional compatibility. With sexual compatibility people arent lovers, they are merely friends. I honestly can't imagine a woman wanting sex as much as she did in the beginning if it wasn't good. But, OP hasn't answered whether he's ringing her bell or not.
xxoo Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Anyway last night i got super frustrated. I haven't had sex since last Friday, I took her out for dinner, come home have some wine watch a movie. she starts telling me how she got a new toy last night, and how she loved it.. right as movie begins, she says "I'm so tired i hope i can stay awake for this movie" Normally i would take the hint and not seduce her. I tried anyway, she wasn't into it, didn't really kiss back. I stopped turned over, and said next time you want sex you seduce me, I'm sick of getting turned down. Frequency and drives aside, this is problematic. Hints, evasion, frustration, but where is the communication??? And where is the love?? Who rejects a kiss???? I don't know what the problem is (her, you, the relationship), but there is a problem here. People in loving relationships don't reject kisses and cuddles, and care about their partner's needs. This goes for both partners, and all kinds of need, of course. 1
FrustratedStandards Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I was the GF a few months ago. I was dating a great guy, but he gained weight and I lost attraction for him. I'm the same in a new relationship. Sex 2-3 times a day. Usually up at 9 months it gets down to 3-4 times a week. I think if you guys are barely having sex there she is losing interest in the relationship. It also might be attraction but that's not necessarily the case. Maybe you need to spend less time together so you can miss each other.
dasein Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Not saying OP's girl is cheating, I am. She's fantasizing about the other guy while using the vibrator. LS is so predictable with the "you must be doing something wrong, mr. man" replies. Cheating is far and away the most likely explanation for what's going on here.
kaylan Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 If there isnt sexual compatibility then its best to cut the cord earlier rather than later. Dump her and move on. It wont get better if you stay. Any man or woman whos dealt with a partner like this will tell you that. And no you arent shallow. Sexual compatibility is as important as mental and emotional compatibility. With sexual compatibility people arent lovers, they are merely friends. Typo in bold. I meant to say "WithOUT sexual compatibility people arent lovers, they are merely friends."
Pierre Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 So my questions are: 1. what is the average sex per week for dating couples, and married? 2.Do i have a legitimate argument or am i just a shallow horny dog? 3. do you agree that if the sex life has already declined this much in just 9 months that it will just get worse? thanks. When a woman loses interest in sex it simply means YOU do not turn her on. The one with the problem is YOU not HER. She is doing nothing wrong because she still turns you on. That means she is meeting your emotional needs. OTOH, if you fail to meet her emotional needs she will become less and less horny. Women are different than men. They need a MAN that knows how to feed the emotional needs. Do you realize that there are couples married for 15 years that have sex more often than you do now? Do you know what is the secret? The man knows how to meet the emotional needs of the woman? Sadly, most men don't have a clue.
PratyekaYana Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Is it possible that the OP's significant other is asexual? I've read disclosures from both men and women of that orientation suggesting that, depending on where they fall on the spectrum of asexuality, some amount of sexual attraction can be generated in the beginning of a new relationship. The so called "honeymoon phase" helps to circumvent what would ordinarily be a sexless relationship. Her preference for using toys is also consistent with asexuality as they lack sexual attraction but not necessarily a sex drive.
phineas Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 I am. She's fantasizing about the other guy while using the vibrator. LS is so predictable with the "you must be doing something wrong, mr. man" replies. Cheating is far and away the most likely explanation for what's going on here. You are correct. It is the most likely explanation. But i'm trying this new thing where I don't automatically assume the woman is a whore in every situation where she stops putting out & starts treating the man disrespectfully. 1
phineas Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Typo in bold. I meant to say "WithOUT sexual compatibility people arent lovers, they are merely friends." I didn't even notice the typo. I read it as you meant it though so I think we all knew what you meant.
oaks Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 If there isnt sexual compatibility then its best to cut the cord earlier rather than later. Dump her and move on. It wont get better if you stay. Any man or woman whos dealt with a partner like this will tell you that. This is advice I wish I had received a few years ago, before I knew that "sexual compatibility" was even a phrase. Anyway, if talking to her doesn't both improve your understanding of what's happening and improve the situation in the bedroom then you need to accept that sex won't get more frequent (and could get less frequent) or you need to find a new partner. And... tell her you're dumping her due to you having different sex drives. It's nothing for either of you to be ashamed of - she's not wrong or bad for wanting less sex than you.
123321 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 If you're not married, and unhappy, and can't fix it, get out now. That's why you date, to find crap like this out. 4
Annie123 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 What would worry me the most about this situation is not the lack of sex but her complete unwillingness to talk about the issue. Problems arise in relationships. There will be incompatibilities and disagreements. What makes a couple successful is how well they can work together to overcome those issues. You can sometimes find a compromise with varying sex drives. Boring or unsatisfying sex can be improved. If she has no desire because her emotional needs aren't getting met, that can be fixed. You can reignite sparks. Many times, you can even get attraction back. Whatever the reason is, the only way for this issue to be resolved is for the two of you to talk about it. Since she has pretty much slammed that door shut, you can pretty much assume this is just how this relationship is going to be. There's nothing else you can do. Either accept it or move on. I would personally move on. Also, in my opinion, if she is using a toy on her own, I doubt this is JUST about a low sex drive. She obviously has a healthy drive and gets horny if she is out buying toys and using them. I would guess something else is going on and only she knows what that something is.
TaraMaiden Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Yup. The shine has worn off. It's not 'sex' she doesn't want - it's sex with you. Is sex "vanilla"? same old same-old? Always in bed? Routine? do you come first, or help her come? do you vary location and attitude? Is it sometimes soft and gentle, and others hot wild and passionate? This doesn't mean there's another guy, honest it doesn't, even if the die-hard cynics in this thread always jump to that conclusion. It's easier to believe there's another man on the scene when you're a guy and you're not getting any.... I was in a sexless relationship for a long time, and I can promise you, no third party was involved on my part, and I know for a fact, none on his part either. People become bored and apathetic, and can't be asked to make the effort - because there's no incentive. there's no surprise, there's no thrill, there's no anticipation. so when you DO have sex - what gives?
xxoo Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Do you realize that there are couples married for 15 years that have sex more often than you do now? Do you know what is the secret? The man knows how to meet the emotional needs of the woman? Sadly, most men don't have a clue. This is true! Still, the OP's gf may not be blameless in their situation. It depends on how effectively she's communicated her needs, or if she even understands them herself.
TaraMaiden Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 It would actually be interesting to get her perspective... I wonder if the OP would let her know he's posting asking for advice, in order to get the two sides of the discussion...? That would be fair... and it seems to be happening of late....
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Isn't it quite natural in the early days to get all hot and heavy, and then once you're out of the honeymoon stage it tapers down unless you both make a conscious effort. Sucks huh?
sid3 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Isn't it quite natural in the early days to get all hot and heavy, and then once you're out of the honeymoon stage it tapers down unless you both make a conscious effort. Sucks huh? Like getting a new bike, at first you want to ride it all the time and show it off to all your friends, then after awhile it sits in the corner. I think the majority of couples get a bit lazy TBH...
make me believe Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 All of this speculating is ridiculous, imo. Her comment that the OP should be glad he is getting it at all says everything. OP, she sees sex as something she does, or doesn't, do FOR you -- not something you do together for mutual pleasure. She has the power here and she isn't afraid to use it. She is going to use sex to control you & punish you throughout your relationship. In the beginning she was probably trying to impress you with how sexual she was, but now you are seeing the real her. She has an unhealthy attitude towards sex, and I think if you stay with her the frequency will continue to decline. Frankly I don't know why you are even wasting your time at this point. 9 months into the relationship and she is rejecting kisses, not wanting sex (but still masturbating), making comments like the one above, and refusing to communicate with you? I would RUN. 4
dasein Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 This doesn't mean there's another guy, honest it doesn't, even if the die-hard cynics in this thread always jump to that conclusion. No, of course not, because that would spoil the patented LS pinata fun of posters piling onto OP with endless, groundless, lecturey conjecture that OP's girlfriend's spiteful, frigid, insensitive, rude behavior towards him simply -must be- OP's fault somehow despite OP mentioning no locus for such fault whatsoever in his posts, because the alternatives, that the woman is simply a -bitch- or that she is cheating, are so completely outrageous. 2
Professor X Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Isn't it quite natural in the early days to get all hot and heavy, and then once you're out of the honeymoon stage it tapers down unless you both make a conscious effort. Sucks huh? It's true that the early days are pumped by extra rush, however, op claims his GF said some other thing that got me wondering...
veggirl Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Not sure why so many people are claiming OP must be sexing up his GF badly--he's given NO indication in his OP that his girl is unhappy with the quality of the sex they do have. Here's the thing--IF she is unhappy with the quality of sex, that is as much her fault as it is his. But, even MORE her fault because she REFUSES to communicate about it. if she is unhappy with the sex, OP can't just *guess* that, which is what some of you seem to think he should be able to do. If she has needs not being met, it is HER duty to acknowledge and discuss that--not the OPs job to guess what she's thinking! Cmon people. His girl is to blame. Either she misrepresented herself from the get-go to impress OP or she is just now not liking the sex but refusing to talk about it with him or she is cheating. If there was added stress etc, and she was just not feeling it at the moment (6 weeks tho?!) then again, her job to address and acknowledge that. 1
veggirl Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 If you're not married, and unhappy, and can't fix it, get out now. That's why you date, to find crap like this out. This is a great post. While 9 mos is a fairly good chunk of time, it's not everything. Sexual compatibility, lack of communication (on her end), passive-aggressive threats ("you're lucky you get sex at all" meaning "I can take it away if I want, watch it")....all reasons to leave early on. Hope you guys don't live together but I'm assuming you do.
TaraMaiden Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Not sure why so many people are claiming OP must be sexing up his GF badly--he's given NO indication in his OP that his girl is unhappy with the quality of the sex they do have. i promise I made no such claim - but as generally speaking two people are involved, i was curious as to how he felt his input measured up... it's easy to give opinion, but it's equally important to remember that occasionally, people give a slanted view, because it's their own view. I'm not dissing the OP, but sometimes a second perspective helps..... Here's the thing--IF she is unhappy with the quality of sex, that is as much her fault as it is his. 100% agree... But, even MORE her fault because she REFUSES to communicate about it. again, do we know this for sure...or is the Op maybe leaving some details out? I really am just asking, not accusing him of lying.... if she is unhappy with the sex, OP can't just *guess* that, which is what some of you seem to think he should be able to do. If she has needs not being met, it is HER duty to acknowledge and discuss that--not the OPs job to guess what she's thinking! Cmon people. again, we only have his word that this is so.... His girl is to blame. Either she misrepresented herself from the get-go to impress OP or she is just now not liking the sex but refusing to talk about it with him or she is cheating. If there was added stress etc, and she was just not feeling it at the moment (6 weeks tho?!) then again, her job to address and acknowledge that. Agree. And it's highly likely that he is telling it like it is... but there's an equal small possibility that there's more to this than meets the eye....? Which is why I asked him to outline how varied their sex life was - when they have it..... 1
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