lack of sex life with GF

[motherlover]

So me and my GF have been dating for 9 months. The first couple of months I thought she was a Nympho. we were having sex about 5-6 times a week sometimes 2-3 times a day. It has slowly declined to about twice a week. and for the past 6weeks it has been around once a week. maybe 5-6 times a month.

 

It is driving me crazy! And she is an amazing girl, that I love tremendously, and want to marry. But I am starting to get very frustrated with the sex life. For me I think twice a week is the bare minimum. once a week definitely not going to cut it. I Don't need it every day, i would be very satisfied with 3-4 times a week. is this to much to ask?

And I'm very worried that it will only be on the decline from here on out.

 

Should this issue be strong enough to reconsider marrying her? or am I just being super shallow?

I have talked to her about it. and she said she would work on it. she did for about 2weeks (which was only twice a week). I mentioned it again, and she says I should just be happy I'm getting it at all. which didn't sit to well with me.

 

I understand i wouldn't be getting it nearly as much if i was single, but it's easier to not want it when you sleep alone at night. It's like putting a steak in front of a dog, and not letting him eat it.

 

So my questions are:

1. what is the average sex per week for dating couples, and married?

2.Do i have a legitimate argument or am i just a shallow horny dog?

3. do you agree that if the sex life has already declined this much in just 9 months that it will just get worse?

 

thanks.

[TaraMaiden]

So my questions are:

1. what is the average sex per week for dating couples, and married?

you're going to wish you hadn't asked....

 

2.Do i have a legitimate argument or am i just a shallow horny dog?

Both.

or neither.....

thing is, if one couple make love once a month - and are happy with this - that's normal.

for them.

if another couple make love once a day - and are happy with this - that's normal.

for them.

there is no such thing as normal, because it boils down to achieving what both partners are happy with.

If the sex is great, it's 5% of the relationship.

If the sex Isn't great - it's 95% of the relationship.

 

do you agree that if the sex life has already declined this much in just 9 months that it will just get worse? .

 

That depends.

you may think it's declined, she may think it's just settled down to an even keel.

Have you asked her why things have slowed?

[oaks]

You talked about it and she said she would work on it... what else did she say? Do you understand why that's all the sex you're getting, and why you're not getting any more? Is she getting all the sex she wants?

 

She says you should be lucky you're getting any at all... that doesn't sound great! Does she know that you have been thinking of marrying her?

 

There's much more to life and relationships than sex, but if you aren't getting it as often as you want then perhaps you and her aren't as compatible as you had hoped.

[wwwjd]

I'm not you, you are not me, but if it WAS me, I would ask her, "why was it so hot and heavy for the first few months and now it is not?" Afterall, THAT was the time you were both solidifying the relationship by saying, "SEE! THIS is ME!"

 

 

On a related note... I should also ask... have YOU changed any habits yourself since that time? Do you used to buy her a dozen roses everyday or send her texts saying, "I'm always thinking about you and want to see you 24/7" and have you dropped YOUR part of that ball??

[udolipixie]

1. Average sex per week for dating couples seems to be once to twice a week.

Average sex per week for married couples seems to be two to three a week.

 

2. Do you plan on arguing her into doling out sex for you as you feel she should and that you're justified in? If you feel it's something important to you then inform her and work towards fixing it or leave her and get someone who can give you want you want.

 

3. I think if the sex life has already declined this much in just 9 months that it will just get worse if the reason for the decline isn't resolved or is lack of attraction. Most likely the decline is correlated to a decline in your behavior to engage and attract her. Many relationships seem to have the idea that the quality/quantity of romance/attraction is the honeymoon phase and okay to decline but the quality/quantity of sex must remain the same or close.

[motherlover]

wow that's deep haha:)

I understand that whether it be once a year, or 5x a day. It is normal given each couple, but there has to be a rough idea of what is an average.

 

This will give me an idea whether I am asking for it to much, or if she is the one that has a lack of sex drive.

 

I talked to my friend, and his gf about it last night. And they thought she doesn't have a strong sex drive. and that they have sex every night. which i hope isn't the norm.

 

Another thing is i'm always the one who instigates it. she never comes on to me. I feel that we would never have sex if i never seduced her. And I always find her saying things and hour before bed almost hinting she doesn't want it. like "man i have the worst headache" "I'm so tired i cant wait to go to bed" etc.

 

 

Anyway last night i got super frustrated. I haven't had sex since last Friday, I took her out for dinner, come home have some wine watch a movie. she starts telling me how she got a new toy last night, and how she loved it.. right as movie begins, she says "I'm so tired i hope i can stay awake for this movie" Normally i would take the hint and not seduce her. I tried anyway, she wasn't into it, didn't really kiss back. I stopped turned over, and said next time you want sex you seduce me, I'm sick of getting turned down.

 

Very frustrating to me. she basically tells me she obviously still gets horny since she got a new toy.

[Professor X]

I mentioned it again, and she says I should just be happy I'm getting it at all.

 

She actually told you such a thing??? Wow, that's kinda huge, if it was said in a serious manner (i.e. not in the heat of an argument) I'd seriously consider continuing the RS with her - marriage of course, would be out of the question at this point.

 

I think the correct term for what she did is ball busting.

[Professor X]

wow that's deep haha:)

I understand that whether it be once a year, or 5x a day. It is normal given each couple, but there has to be a rough idea of what is an average.

 

This will give me an idea whether I am asking for it to much, or if she is the one that has a lack of sex drive.

 

I talked to my friend, and his gf about it last night. And they thought she doesn't have a strong sex drive. and that they have sex every night. which i hope isn't the norm.

 

Another thing is i'm always the one who instigates it. she never comes on to me. I feel that we would never have sex if i never seduced her. And I always find her saying things and hour before bed almost hinting she doesn't want it. like "man i have the worst headache" "I'm so tired i cant wait to go to bed" etc.

 

 

Anyway last night i got super frustrated. I haven't had sex since last Friday, I took her out for dinner, come home have some wine watch a movie. she starts telling me how she got a new toy last night, and how she loved it.. right as movie begins, she says "I'm so tired i hope i can stay awake for this movie" Normally i would take the hint and not seduce her. I tried anyway, she wasn't into it, didn't really kiss back. I stopped turned over, and said next time you want sex you seduce me, I'm sick of getting turned down.

 

Very frustrating to me. she basically tells me she obviously still gets horny since she got a new toy.

 

Sounds like she doesn't enjoy the sex with you, obviously, she's dodging it at all cost.

[motherlover]

I'm not you, you are not me, but if it WAS me, I would ask her, "why was it so hot and heavy for the first few months and now it is not?" Afterall, THAT was the time you were both solidifying the relationship by saying, "SEE! THIS is ME!"

 

 

On a related note... I should also ask... have YOU changed any habits yourself since that time? Do you used to buy her a dozen roses everyday or send her texts saying, "I'm always thinking about you and want to see you 24/7" and have you dropped YOUR part of that ball??

I did ask her why she was so sexually active at the beginning, she says, cause it was new, and exciting, basically saying that we are now past the "honeymoon phase" I see it as a good way for a girl to hook, and bait. as if to say "SEE THIS is ME!" just like you said.

[udolipixie]

Another thing is i'm always the one who instigates it. she never comes on to me. I feel that we would never have sex if i never seduced her. And I always find her saying things and hour before bed almost hinting she doesn't want it. like "man i have the worst headache" "I'm so tired i cant wait to go to bed" etc.

She's most likely losing attraction to you.

 

Very frustrating to me. she basically tells me she obviously still gets horny since she got a new toy.

Seems to me more like she's telling you she gets horny just not horny for you.

[udolipixie]

I did ask her why she was so sexually active at the beginning, she says, cause it was new, and exciting, basically saying that we are now past the "honeymoon phase" I see it as a good way for a girl to hook, and bait. as if to say "SEE THIS is ME!" just like you said.

 

Have you also hook & baited? Are you doing the same quality/quantity of things you as always?

[motherlover]

She's most likely losing attraction to you.

 

 

Seems to me more like she's telling you she gets horny just not horny for you.

This is how i would feel to if i was an outsider looking in, but she is pushing for marriage:confused:

[udolipixie]

This is how i would feel to if i was an outsider looking in, but she is pushing for marriage:confused:

 

Marriage doesn't automatically equate attraction.

 

Most likely she thinks she can do no better and wants stability.

[Professor X]

This is how i would feel to if i was an outsider looking in, but she is pushing for marriage:confused:

 

Sex declines.

She brags about her dildo while not having sex with you.

She told you to be happy you get any (you won't get any once married).

She pushes for marriage.

 

 

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[motherlover]

Well I don't think this is enough to break up over. But Marriage is definitely out of the question for now. Thanks guys. I'll update if anything changes

[veggirl]

Do you guys live together?

 

BF and I have been together the same amount of time as you and your girl. Our sex life hasn't changed at all. I think your girl was caught up in having a new bf and was excited about sex AND trying to impress you with how sexual she was, and now you are seeing the REAL her. This is her real libido. This is what you will be committing to. Can you live with it?

 

I don't know what "average" is. BF and I have sex prob 5-6x per week? we see each other about 3x per week and have sex usually 2x on each of those days. Like I said, it's been this way the whole 9 mos.

 

The "you're lucky you get it at all" thing is really WTFy. That wouldn't sit well with me, at all.

[dasein]

Get out, do not marry this person under any circumstances. Don't listen to those who try to lay this at your door somehow, you don't give any indication of having done anything wrong at all.

 

Her attitude is terrible, disrespectful, and there is a very good chance she is cheating on you. Don't get caught in the trap, the door is still open. Walk away.

[SJC2008]

You gave her "power" by asking her about frequency. Some women will purposely withhold sex from a man. Act like it doesn't bother you until she comes around. Of course it's easier said than done. Don't feel bad if you want a lot of sex (within reason). So yes it should factor into the marriage question.

[veggirl]

 

Most likely the decline is correlated to a decline in your behavior to engage and attract her.

 

What did the OP say that suggested this?

 

Most likely she thinks she can do no better and wants stability.

 

You are very presumptuous!

[phineas]

As a once married man that went months at a time without sex (note, my wife DID NOT)

 

I can honestly say I prefer to be alone than have to answer to a woman who isn't meeting my needs.

 

OP, you can ask her what's wrong until you are blue in the face, but she won't tell you.

 

99.9% of the time nothing is wrong. WITH YOU.

 

C'mon, she'd rather fill herself with a piece of plastic than flesh & blood?

 

RUN forrest RUN.

[spiderowl]

If it's not a hormonal problem and you haven't recently had a new baby, then it sounds like she's not keen for some reason. Maybe she is going through some stress or something? Another possibility is that she's been put off sex with you for some reason. Is she usually satisfied? It always amazes me how guys will just turn over a go to sleep once they've achieved orgasm, or lose interest in satisfying their partner. People get into habits when they've been together a while. Perhaps you could ask her if she thinks you've both got into habits and could improve in some areas?

 

Sometimes women lose interest in sex with partner due to resentment about something in their lives together - a perceived lack of commitment or someone not pulling their weight financially or with work around the house. Another thing that affects relationships is where a partner is jealous or possessive and their other half starts to feel trapped and controlled. There are lots of reasons why someone may feel resentment in a relationship. Sex is often the first sign because you don't want to make love with someone you feel angry with. If you only paid your partner attention when having sex that might eventually turn her off. Some guys unwittingly pressure their partners by turning every opportunity for physical affection into a bid to have sex. A friend of mine once said that her ex rarely cuddled her and when he did it was with the ultimate aim of having sex. She did resent that.

 

Only you can know if any of the above apply but good luck in working through this. It doesn't sound like a good idea to get married until it's been resolved.

[FitChick]

Because she prefers sex toys, it tells me she is bored with your technique. Why not experiment? Otherwise, tell her to have her hormone levels checked. She could be low in testosterone.

 

Have you gained weight? Has your hygiene slipped?

 

If she doesn't want to cooperate, ask her why she wants to marry you if she doesn't find you sexually attractive.

[xxoo]

I did ask her why she was so sexually active at the beginning, she says, cause it was new, and exciting, basically saying that we are now past the "honeymoon phase" I see it as a good way for a girl to hook, and bait. as if to say "SEE THIS is ME!" just like you said.

 

It is natural to experience heightened sexual interest during the honeymoon phase, and have that drop off a bit with time (and thank goodness, or else we'd never get anything done!). It doesn't mean she was intending to deceive.

 

But this isn't really about her drive, if she is using toys. If you are feeling neglected, and she has sexual energy to release, she should be coming to you for those needs. Why isn't she?

[mostlyclueless]

Jeez, dude, you have to talk to her. Ask her if everything is ok. Ask her what she needs to feel more interested in sex. If she is mentioning toys she likes -- maybe she's trying to send you a hint.

 

Is she on the pill? Has she changed any sleep, diet, or exercise routines? All of these things can affect hormones and libido.

 

Have YOU changed your behavior? Do you treat her the same way you did when you were first dating?

[kaylan]

If there isnt sexual compatibility then its best to cut the cord earlier rather than later.

 

Dump her and move on. It wont get better if you stay. Any man or woman whos dealt with a partner like this will tell you that.

 

And no you arent shallow. Sexual compatibility is as important as mental and emotional compatibility. With sexual compatibility people arent lovers, they are merely friends.

Edited April 8, 2012 by kaylan