Some people's dating methods just don't match

[Emilia]

I was friends with my last ex first and when we got together the sex was terrible, we didn't mesh at all and after about a month I gave up. I think you just have to get used to the idea that life is about taking risks and there are no guarantees.

[irc333]

I was friends with my last ex first and when we got together the sex was terrible

 

That the ONLY reason you broke up, the sex was bad? Probably was more to it than that.

[counterman]

I agree that some people's dating methods don't match. I've met several girls who wanted to be friends first before they made up their mind about me. The latest girl that did this is currently in a relationship with a guy who was her closest guy friend. Could you imagine what it would have been like if I had agreed to be friends (with the hope that someday we could be something more)?

 

With my guy friends who want to be friends first, it's very little to do with getting to know a girl. It's more to do with the fact that it's low risk. They'll be friends with girls and wait until she shows signs of interest. If she doesn't, they won't try anything and just remain friends. Whereas for me, I've approaching girls and getting rejected but also getting dates.

 

In saying that, most of the girls that have been interested in me were my friends. So I think I'll make the best of both and be friends and see where things go with girls I meet from friends and also just approach random girls.

[irc333]

Right, I have this guy friend, he always gets invited out by groups of female friends to go dancing and such and other activities, not seen as a creepy or creeperish.

 

 

 

I agree that some people's dating methods don't match. I've met several girls who wanted to be friends first before they made up their mind about me. The latest girl that did this is currently in a relationship with a guy who was her closest guy friend. Could you imagine what it would have been like if I had agreed to be friends (with the hope that someday we could be something more)?

 

With my guy friends who want to be friends first, it's very little to do with getting to know a girl. It's more to do with the fact that it's low risk. They'll be friends with girls and wait until she shows signs of interest. If she doesn't, they won't try anything and just remain friends. Whereas for me, I've approaching girls and getting rejected but also getting dates.

 

In saying that, most of the girls that have been interested in me were my friends. So I think I'll make the best of both and be friends and see where things go with girls I meet from friends and also just approach random girls.

Edited April 8, 2012 by irc333

[Oxy Moronovich]

I agree that some people's dating methods don't match. I've met several girls who wanted to be friends first before they made up their mind about me. The latest girl that did this is currently in a relationship with a guy who was her closest guy friend. Could you imagine what it would have been like if I had agreed to be friends (with the hope that someday we could be something more)?

 

With my guy friends who want to be friends first, it's very little to do with getting to know a girl. It's more to do with the fact that it's low risk. They'll be friends with girls and wait until she shows signs of interest. If she doesn't, they won't try anything and just remain friends. Whereas for me, I've approaching girls and getting rejected but also getting dates.

 

In saying that, most of the girls that have been interested in me were my friends. So I think I'll make the best of both and be friends and see where things go with girls I meet from friends and also just approach random girls.

Basically, I agree with this. You shouldn't only have one dating method when getting women. You should follow many. I definitely agree with Emilia. Just because you're friends with a person first doesn't mean you'll be able to gauge if they're a good lover. Too many people are afraid to take risks.

 

I was sorta friends with a girl first. I had known her for several months. We had gone camping and done many other activities. When we started a more intimate relationship I learned she had a drinking problem (she had to go to rehab at age 20). Plus, she was a self-mutilater; cutting her body but keeping them hidden. Our relationship didn't work out.

 

When you're friends with someone, you act differently and don't notice important things that you would if they were your lover. The "friends first" method is just as bad as any other method of dating.

[Andy_K]

Exactly, I know of a couple of guys, one that is now engaged...said EVERY woman he's dated exclusively, he's kissed on a first date.

 

For some reason, I found that hard to believe.

 

And he was usually expecting sex a few dates thereafter. I wonder why people think this is so important to them.

 

I don't know... that's not too hard to believe. I've had very few second dates when there wasn't at least a kiss on the first date, and none of those occasions has led to dating for longer than a month and a half.

 

On the other hand my relationships have all come from sex on 1st/3rd date.

 

I think this is partially because the physical aspect of a relationship is very important to me... I don't just want a girl who's going to love me, I want one who thinks I'm hot and wants to rip my clothes off. I want sexual compatibility, a girl who's not afraid of going for what she wants, and wants me. Sometimes you just have to take risks, and it may well be that an overly cautious person just is not for me.

 

It's also partially because you're never really quite yourself around someone you're dating until after sex. They don't really see me, and I don't really see them. I prefer to strip away the illusions and get to know the real person.

[counterman]

Right, I have this guy friend, he always gets invited out by groups of female friends to go dancing and such and other activities, not seen as a creepy or creeperish.

 

I have a friend like that too. He's awesome. He'll be surrounded by girls and every girl he meets he leaves a great impression. He always gets invited out by these girls as well, so he's never bored. I'm sure most of the girls want to get with him as well. He hasn't dated or been in a relationship for almost a year now. But it doesn't matter, he has heaps of fun and he doesn't care about dating. Why doesn't he get with any of these girl friends? Who knows. He's just enjoying life and taking any opportunities he gets to go out and socialise. Whenever I'm out with this guy, girls hang off me as well. He's a cool guy and he gives off this vibe of a fun guy. And, to be honest, I wish I had his social life.

[carhill]

"I'm sure you've all seen it in personal ads, "Friends first....." as their first line in their profile."

 

When facing verbiage like this, whether online or in-person, simple communication solves the mystery. 'What does 'friend's first' mean to you?' Listen. Watch actions. If style matches up, that. If not, that. Efficient

[Oxy Moronovich]

I have a friend like that too. He's awesome. He'll be surrounded by girls and every girl he meets he leaves a great impression. He always gets invited out by these girls as well, so he's never bored. I'm sure most of the girls want to get with him as well. He hasn't dated or been in a relationship for almost a year now. But it doesn't matter, he has heaps of fun and he doesn't care about dating. Why doesn't he get with any of these girl friends? Who knows. He's just enjoying life and taking any opportunities he gets to go out and socialise. Whenever I'm out with this guy, girls hang off me as well. He's a cool guy and he gives off this vibe of a fun guy. And, to be honest, I wish I had his social life.

You wish you had his social life? He's surrounded by women but doesn't have sex with any of them? I can't find any reason to envy such a lamebrain.

 

Being friends with a woman first is so passive-aggressive and wimpy. Whenever I take advice on how to get women, I take it from guys who are good at getting women in bed. I've talked to many players and none of them have offered this advice. I noticed the OP sucks at getting women in bed. So why should I take his advice?

[irc333]

I've talked to many players and none of them have offered this advice.

 

Well, for one, you're talking to players, of course they're not going to give you this kind of advice, because they're interested in one night stands and nothing more.

 

If you're goal is to only get laid, and not have a girlfriend, well knock yourself out.....I'm talking about compatible dating methods.

 

Like you, Oxymoronovich, in your situation would only work with women to get laid, and....well, that's pretty much it...since that's you're only goal.

 

You'd only be compatible with loose/easy women.

[grkBoy]

To me, I'm of the mind that if she's not even "maybe" about the guy initially...no amount of time will change her mind. Not unless she's desperate.

 

"Maybe" can lead to more...but she has to eventually see you're the ideal choice.

 

Most men and women want it all instantly. Seen some who want "instant chemistry" just from reading a dating profile. It's no wonder these people are chronically single.

 

 

IRC333, you and many other people out there (men and women) are unfortunately the ones who don't set hearts afire instantly, but yet everyone you meet wants that. So you're all passed up before anyone even really can find out if you would make things "amazing" or not. They pass judgement on you before you can even say "hi".

 

Believe me, I see myself as that I got lucky...nothing more. I think if I had not met my fiance, I'd be single, alone, and simply still living life not giving a damn if I ever meet anyone while my colleagues wonder why I am not dating. I too would be quickly passed up because I can't make sparks happen instantly.

[irc333]

Grk boy,

 

I think I'm on the right track with women, building rapport with them, letting them get comfortable with me and so on.

 

I'm everything they should be l ooking for in a future husband or boyfriend, but.....I just don't do it for them sexually or drive that inertial sexual fire in them.

 

I just wind up fulfilling that component that lets them desire to be around me, but for reasons OTHER than romantic.

 

This one woman I'm seeing now, I think she was blowing me off, she said she's been seeing guys that creep her the hell out, and she's never called them back, she actually said I'm the only guy that hasn't spoiled it with her by trying not to get in he pants or do anything sexually with her. THat I was just "being myself" and giving her any pressure.

 

To me, I'm of the mind that if she's not even "maybe" about the guy initially...no amount of time will change her mind. Not unless she's desperate.

 

"Maybe" can lead to more...but she has to eventually see you're the ideal choice.

 

Most men and women want it all instantly. Seen some who want "instant chemistry" just from reading a dating profile. It's no wonder these people are chronically single.

 

 

IRC333, you and many other people out there (men and women) are unfortunately the ones who don't set hearts afire instantly, but yet everyone you meet wants that. So you're all passed up before anyone even really can find out if you would make things "amazing" or not. They pass judgement on you before you can even say "hi".

 

Believe me, I see myself as that I got lucky...nothing more. I think if I had not met my fiance, I'd be single, alone, and simply still living life not giving a damn if I ever meet anyone while my colleagues wonder why I am not dating. I too would be quickly passed up because I can't make sparks happen instantly.

[RedRobin]

IRC333, you and many other people out there (men and women) are unfortunately the ones who don't set hearts afire instantly, but yet everyone you meet wants that. So you're all passed up before anyone even really can find out if you would make things "amazing" or not. They pass judgement on you before you can even say "hi"..

 

...or... some of us have been dealt the consequences of getting involved with someone based on 'chemistry', and still have lots of (idiots) knocking on our door with little or nothing to back it up.

 

Like another poster said... I don't want the 'whatever' bombed dropped on me after having sex. The 'whatever' bomb meaning they are on medication for some mental illness, they are a recovering something or other, they cheated on their ex, they have a criminal record. Whatever.

 

So, yea. 'Friends first'. They tell you and also exhibit plenty of behavior you wouldn't see otherwise. If they don't value me as a human being first, well, that is good info too. I'm quite comfortable with my libido and abilities in the sack, thank you. It doesn't need proving... although, I agree not everyone is compatible. These are things easily sused out with conversation though.

[irc333]

I have to agree that being "friends first" with someone will not reveal their drug using or whatever questionable activities that they partake in.

 

I actually found this method to be actually rather revealing of said indviduals. I had no problem finding out if they were some kind of alcoholic or boozehead before getting involved with them sexually.

 

I had this one female friend kind of laugh when she said, "I like to have a glass of wine while I drive"

 

She was just a friend, but it's a good thing I found that out. Launch! lol

 

 

...or... some of us have been dealt the consequences of getting involved with someone based on 'chemistry', and still have lots of (idiots) knocking on our door with little or nothing to back it up.

 

Like another poster said... I don't want the 'whatever' bombed dropped on me after having sex. The 'whatever' bomb meaning they are on medication for some mental illness, they are a recovering something or other, they cheated on their ex, they have a criminal record. Whatever.

 

So, yea. 'Friends first'. They tell you and also exhibit plenty of behavior you wouldn't see otherwise. If they don't value me as a human being first, well, that is good info too. I'm quite comfortable with my libido and abilities in the sack, thank you. It doesn't need proving... although, I agree not everyone is compatible. These are things easily sused out with conversation though.

[RedRobin]

I have to agree that being "friends first" with someone will not reveal their drug using or whatever questionable activities that they partake in.

 

I actually found this method to be actually rather revealing of said indviduals. I had no problem finding out if they were some kind of alcoholic or boozehead before getting involved with them sexually.

 

I had this one female friend kind of laugh when she said, "I like to have a glass of wine while I drive"

 

She was just a friend, but it's a good thing I found that out. Launch! lol

 

You mean 'will' reveal their vices? Or won't? I'm confused.

[RedRobin]

If you don't have any chemistry with another person by three dates, you just aren't going to get it unless it's forced. And no one wants that. When it does happen it's commonly known as settling.

 

That's interesting. I'm currently getting to know someone that I didn't originally have 'chemistry' with for whatever reason.

 

I'm starting to find myself very attracted to him now.

 

On the other hand, I recently shushed away a guy I had lots of 'chemistry' with, that tanked after a month due to his anger issues.

 

In fact, I'll proclaim the opposite of the chemistry argument. The men I've had the most 'chemistry' with early on have almost always turned out to be the biggest losers. So now, when I feel that 'pull' early on, it is something I associate with something negative... not positive.

 

I'm rather liking the slow burn right now. It feels healthy and nice.

[grkBoy]

Grk boy,

 

I think I'm on the right track with women, building rapport with them, letting them get comfortable with me and so on.

 

I'm everything they should be l ooking for in a future husband or boyfriend, but.....I just don't do it for them sexually or drive that inertial sexual fire in them.

 

I just wind up fulfilling that component that lets them desire to be around me, but for reasons OTHER than romantic.

 

This one woman I'm seeing now, I think she was blowing me off, she said she's been seeing guys that creep her the hell out, and she's never called them back, she actually said I'm the only guy that hasn't spoiled it with her by trying not to get in he pants or do anything sexually with her. THat I was just "being myself" and giving her any pressure.

 

I wish you luck and hope she appreciates what's in front of her. I honestly think this is how modern RLs should happen, but my past experiences have been of too many women who wanted sparks and fireworks immediately, and once they became a friendship, they simply could not fathom the guy as ever being "more".

 

Had one even confess that she could never date a male friend because she values those friendships more than RLs. She fears losing that. Doesn't help though when she's also trying to get most of the "boyfriend stuff" (minus the intimacy) out of this male friend.

 

 

...or... some of us have been dealt the consequences of getting involved with someone based on 'chemistry', and still have lots of (idiots) knocking on our door with little or nothing to back it up.

 

Like another poster said... I don't want the 'whatever' bombed dropped on me after having sex. The 'whatever' bomb meaning they are on medication for some mental illness, they are a recovering something or other, they cheated on their ex, they have a criminal record. Whatever.

 

So, yea. 'Friends first'. They tell you and also exhibit plenty of behavior you wouldn't see otherwise. If they don't value me as a human being first, well, that is good info too. I'm quite comfortable with my libido and abilities in the sack, thank you. It doesn't need proving... although, I agree not everyone is compatible. These are things easily sused out with conversation though.

 

I wish there were more like you. As I said, most of my past experiences with women are those who needed "fireworks" immediately, or you end up in the friendzone.

 

I hear many women say "friends first", but they unfortunately don't practice what they preach. Men too.

[sid3]

You wish you had his social life? He's surrounded by women but doesn't have sex with any of them? I can't find any reason to envy such a lamebrain.

 

Being friends with a woman first is so passive-aggressive and wimpy. Whenever I take advice on how to get women, I take it from guys who are good at getting women in bed. I've talked to many players and none of them have offered this advice. I noticed the OP sucks at getting women in bed. So why should I take his advice?

 

Your priorities are just a bit different is all. While you're seeking advice on how to get women in bed, Counterman's friend is out having fun surrounded by women, many whom likely want to get with him. Know why he isn't worried about not banging as many of them as possible? He's likely had more than his fair share of sex. Yep, even among us non- players, some of us have. I'd rather be surrounded by cool chicks having a great time than focusing on getting in one's pants. If the right one plays her cards right she just may get in mine. Don't focus so much on sex and you'll find it presents itself far more frequently.

[irc333]

I'd rather be surrounded by cool chicks having a great time than focusing on getting in one's pants.

 

Right, don't think that just because someone isn't a "player" means they're not getting any kind of physical intimacy, they're just probably going about it, but in a more genuine way.

[fishtaco]

Romance that come from friendship should happen by accident only. If you are interested in a person romantically, but try to achieve that goal via friendship, that's called bait and switch, and many women dislike that very much.

[RedRobin]

Had one even confess that she could never date a male friend because she values those friendships more than RLs. She fears losing that. Doesn't help though when she's also trying to get most of the "boyfriend stuff" (minus the intimacy) out of this male friend.

 

I wish there were more like you. As I said, most of my past experiences with women are those who needed "fireworks" immediately, or you end up in the friendzone.

 

I hear many women say "friends first", but they unfortunately don't practice what they preach. Men too.

 

I've been accused of trying to get 'boyfriend stuff' (minus the intimacy) out of my male friends. All I can say is that I try to be the best friend possible. A real friend. If my sincere friendship is not enough, then there is nothing I can do about that. If he develops or has more than friend feelings for me, it is up to him to communicate that. If he is already in a relationship with someone else, I will do my part not to encourage that though. I mean, developing romantic feelings.

 

... as far as being more like me... Well, the jury is still out. I'm still capable of being 'swept off my feet', but I think it is much more likely that would only happen in the context of the 'safety net' of a community of friends/family/work/social connections where I'd feel easier trusting him.

 

Even that, I've learned, isn't so 'safe'... so yea, it's friends first for me.

[counterman]

Your priorities are just a bit different is all. While you're seeking advice on how to get women in bed, Counterman's friend is out having fun surrounded by women, many whom likely want to get with him. Know why he isn't worried about not banging as many of them as possible? He's likely had more than his fair share of sex. Yep, even among us non- players, some of us have. I'd rather be surrounded by cool chicks having a great time than focusing on getting in one's pants. If the right one plays her cards right she just may get in mine. Don't focus so much on sex and you'll find it presents itself far more frequently.

 

You're right. I'm not exactly sure how he's doing in terms of sex but I can tell you, if he wanted it right now, he'll get it. It's not only chicks that like this guy though, it's guys too. He's a cool guy, and makes you feel like you're his best buddy wherever you go. So when ever he goes out with these girls, he'll meet more girls, and from that he's having more fun and meeting more people. It's a great life.

 

The only reason I guess my social life isn't like his is because I don't have my own place in the city and I focus a lot more on my studies, while he doesn't.

 

In saying that, other people's experience may vary. I have another friend who's very active socially. He's involved with a lot of societies and he meets girls all the time. He's friends with a lot of them and has tried many, MANY times to go out with them on a date, but keeps striking out. The difference between him and my other friend is that these girls don't want to go out with him. Some reasons for this are:

- He's a safe option. Those girls know they can have him if they want to and he's a really nice guy, so he'll bend to their will. I've seen many girls use him for car lifts home, for free meals, etc.

- He's too agreeable. Even if he doesn't agree with what a girl says, he'll agree anyways.

- He's not assertive and 'alpha' enough. He's passive sometimes and more confident guys always strike up something with these girls, while he takes back seat.

 

They're both tall, good-looking guys -- one's just charming and exudes charisma and the other does not. One doesn't really care if he's dating and the other one does.

 

I agree with fishtaco. I've seen many guys try to befriend a girl they're interested in in the hopes that she'll change her mind (one friend is doing that now) and I find it really insincere and just wrong. While he's trying God knows what to get her to like him, she thinks she's getting to know the real him, but really, it's just a front to impress her. She told him she doesn't want a relationship but she's using him for 'boyfriend stuff' without the physical intimacy.

 

I've gotten to know girls before through the natural course of things i.e. attending mutual events, talking during lunch etc, and sometimes I do develop romantic interest but it was never an intentional thing.

[Mr Frisky]

You wish you had his social life? He's surrounded by women but doesn't have sex with any of them? I can't find any reason to envy such a lamebrain.

 

Being friends with a woman first is so passive-aggressive and wimpy. Whenever I take advice on how to get women, I take it from guys who are good at getting women in bed. I've talked to many players and none of them have offered this advice. I noticed the OP sucks at getting women in bed. So why should I take his advice?

 

Excellent trolling,PLAYA. Keep up the good work.

[PinkInTheLimo]

IRC333, you and many other people out there (men and women) are unfortunately the ones who don't set hearts afire instantly, but yet everyone you meet wants that. So you're all passed up before anyone even really can find out if you would make things "amazing" or not. They pass judgement on you before you can even say "hi".

 

Believe me, I see myself as that I got lucky...nothing more. I think if I had not met my fiance, I'd be single, alone, and simply still living life not giving a damn if I ever meet anyone while my colleagues wonder why I am not dating. I too would be quickly passed up because I can't make sparks happen instantly.

 

That hits a nerve with me. I also seem to be the kind of woman men find friendly on a first date but nothing more than that. So no second date follows. But what can I do? It's not that I am shy or very introverted, it's just that if I have never met someone there is simply no context to lay it all out in my opinion. That would be like trying to run before you can even crawl.

I think I am someone that people learn to appreciate over time. Unfortunately in online dating noone seems to want to make that time.

[GetTheClou]

Interesting discussion. "Dating methods" are basically the product of modern communication and information symmetry. People read, discuss, believe in, not believe in, analyse, overanalyse those "methods".

 

However, the human nature has not "progressed" as fast as the "methods". Fundamentals stay the same, there has to be anything interesting/worthwhile to hang around.

 

-money/support

-physical attraction/sexual tension

-character/humor/"soulmate"

-more?

 

"dating methods" and Hollywood lead people to look for the whole package, the perfect partner in every aspect. It's an illusion so it cannot match by default. My dad told me a couple of months ago that he believes we are a "poor" generation lol. The "methods" existed back then, but on a more subtle and human level. '69 for the win