sally1530 Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 My ex fiance of 8 weeks now has said hes moving on and no longer seeks or wants a relationship with me. Its like we cant even be friends or even check to see how each other is doing, it really hurts that he hates me that much and wants to move on so quickly. I found out he a profile and ad up seeking sex with women a month before the wedding. I found out he was wanting naked pictures of them and was looking on live porn. He said he was having doubts about us... He said he didnt cross the emotional or pysical line with these gals...well I found out he was on this site paying for it for our entire 14 month relationship. Why would he propose after 10 months and then have doubts? Commitment Phobia/ Sexual addiction? Not sure. Did I over react? I feel total guilt for looking in his email , I didnt thing he was cheating , I just wanted to see what was going on with the bacholor party invite thats was all , and all I saw was 3 seperate emails to girls. I forgave him and 3 days later he cancelled the wedding from underneath me, I was the last to know and was asked to move out the next day. But the fact that he hates me for this... I dont understand, maybe its because I made him pay $15,000 for the wedding? He said when he cancelled the wedding that he would pay for the costs. I gave him back his $3000.00 ring... I guess that wasnt enough... Anyway, do you think he will try and contact me in the future? or is this really the end of us talking ? He said he has nothing to talk to me about.... well I just wonder how you can almost walk down the isle with someone and then one month later hate them and never want to see or speak to them again? I didnt cheat, he was the one doing the wrong not me, hes just made I found out and that I didnt see him as the prince charming I thought he was..... Any advice? Do you think he will regret what hes done? Does he hate me? Is he dating someone new already? Will he ever get in contact with me again? I miss talking with him , but I know we are both hurting right now and probably this is a good thing not talking and seeing each other so we can both move on. I just hope someday we can be at a " not hate each other " stage. Please give me some advice... I just can seem to move on! Its a daily struggle that is not getting any better.. .its like almost an addition..... I miss him so much!
Author sally1530 Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 Because I snooped, am I at fault? He gave me many red flags.... If I didnt then we would be married.... I feel like I have made a terrible mistake, one I cant fix...
Miss_Prolixity Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Sally, My heart goes out to you. I am truly sorry that you're in so much pain. It would be very hard to love someone so much, only to find out they've betrayed your trust. You know, I am not condoning going through someones personal email, etc.-- but, you did find some information that proves your fiance at the time was a liar, disloyal, and cheat (even if he didn't physically go and cheat, the intent was clearly there). Even though you're in a great deal of pain, think of this as a blessing in disguise. Just think if you two had gone through the marriage. Could you imagine being with a person who put themselves on a dating site for several months prior to your wedding? That isn't what I call commitment, love, loyalty, or honesty. He severed all the ties with you emotionally months before he physically left. You deserve someone who is willing to treat you with respect and love. His actions voided this relationship.
Author sally1530 Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 I guess maybe that is why it is so easy for him to move on. Im just not sure why he did this to me when he knew my mother died last august. He knew I was devistated by that loss.... and now he did this to me? What kind of monster is he? How could I have been so wrong about a person? How could I have not seen this? Why couldnt he have just been honest? Why did he propose? These are questions I just dont know .... the answers too. I really wish I could move on, I feel so stuck! my head says " hes A Jerk" and my heart is still in love with the person I thought he was and has hope that he will be sorry and come back to me. I just wish I would meet someone better than him so I could heal faster.
Author sally1530 Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 Why did he have to blow such a good thing? Where was his common sense?
Miss_Prolixity Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 Sally, There are going to be many unanswered questions on his part. Basically, there aren’t any suitable answers that can be given to justify his behavior. He is an extremely self-absorbed person who only seeks to fill his own bliss. When we’re love-struck with someone, it’s simple to over-look the red flags staring us in the face. We accept their flawed behavior because we’re not too confident in ourselves. Usually people in unhealthy relationships don’t recognize the pattern, until they gain self-esteem and respect. Then they start to question the flawed behavior of the other person and start to set boundaries and gain assertiveness. Sally, if he were truly sorry, his actions would speak louder than words. Right now, his behavior proves that he feels a lot of guilt and that’s why he is avoiding you. A person with a contrite heart would take every measure to bring tranquility and peace back into the relationship (or friendship for that matter). IMO, I think it’s better that the two of you have no contact. Perhaps this will give you an introspective time to reflect on the type of person you really want to share your life with.
Miss_Prolixity Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 What's common sense to someone who's egotistical? It goes right out the window. When a person is self-centered, it's easy to lack judiciousness for others and only think of ones self.
Author sally1530 Posted June 17, 2004 Author Posted June 17, 2004 I think he just doenst care to think about me anymore or his problems. I think he doesnt think he did anything wrong and dismisses it as " something was missing in the relationship" and that " he wasnt happy" or " I wasnt the one" , he cant trust me anymore because I found out his secret. Im assuming that he has alot of guilt or maybe not and is over me already. Im almost over him now... but wouldnt mind some closure. Have asked for it several times and was denied. So im giving up on that and him. I have never met someone so fooling, such a lier, and so self centered. I was blind and didnt see the red flags soon enough. I wish he wasnt that jerk he is and would come back into my life and be sorry for his mistakes and we could fix all of this...but it takes two to make it work and he doenst want this so I must move on , and learn from this terrible experience. I am positive about my future without him and know that I will meet someone who will treat me with respect and honest someday. I dont think that is too much to ask for, that was all I had asked for the entire time.
Author sally1530 Posted June 17, 2004 Author Posted June 17, 2004 Does every one eventually talk to each other after this bad of a breakup? Do you think he will come crawling back? someday? Maybe not, he is self centered.... what do you think?
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Originally posted by sally1530 Why did he have to blow such a good thing? Where was his common sense? That's probally what he's thinking. Originally posted by sally1530 Does every one eventually talk to each other after this bad of a breakup? Do you think he will come crawling back? someday? Maybe not, he is self centered.... what do you think? YES- I've had 2 god awful break ups and I am friends w/both now BUT it takes time. Like no contant for a while which is hard at this stage so it will be a bit before the issue of being friends seems feasable. I really do feel for you and I wish you the best. Just remember time heals all wounds.
Author sally1530 Posted June 17, 2004 Author Posted June 17, 2004 how long were the periods of no contact? we dated for 14 months.... its been 2 months now of no contact?
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Sorry -you're not gonna like this. I think the more intense the relationship- the more time needed. I was w/ one of them for almost 2 yrs and after about a year we were able to spend time tog in public or w/ others- after another 6 months or so we were comf. enough to spend time alone. The other guy I was with for maybe 6 months but we had been friends since childhood. It took us over 2 yrs to be able to feel comf in public and prob another yr before we could be alone. It's just not wise to tempt your emotions when your heart is already raw for someone.
Author sally1530 Posted June 17, 2004 Author Posted June 17, 2004 I guess maybe I need to start thinking that someday I might find out about what really happened or that at least we will be able to have a conversation about it and be okay with all that has happened. I cant hope that he will contact me and give me some closure...but that its really hard for me to think that its forever and that I will never see him or talk with him again. I need to move on with my life and maybe someday when the pain is gone I can forgive him to his face and have peace with myself. This was not a normal breakup this was a cancellation of a wedding a month before. Many people hurt by his actions.... dont know if he will ever want to contact me again. Its easier to have out of site / out of mind. This way he can burry the problems and forget they ever happened and move on. Any thought on this?
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Posted June 17, 2004 Originally posted by sally1530 This was not a normal breakup this was a cancellation of a wedding a month before. Many people hurt by his actions.... dont know if he will ever want to contact me again. Its easier to have out of site / out of mind. This way he can burry the problems and forget they ever happened and move on. If he is the type of person who can forget he hurt so many people simply by ignoring the issue than you should be grateful you won't need a divorce attorney to remove him from your life. If he is worthy of your friendship-he will contact you once he gets his head straight. Meanwhile, you need to focus on moving forward. His actions are not your fault and though you may not understand them, you can't let them hold you back. You can't control time and that is the only thing that helps in situations like these. So far it sounds as if you are handling yourself with as much dignity as the circumstances will allow. Good for you! Try to stay strong and let time reveal what is meant to be.
Author sally1530 Posted June 17, 2004 Author Posted June 17, 2004 It is really hard , Ive only gotten mad twice since it all happened...but now im okay with it all...its weird how time heals wounds... this one will never be forgotten, but I hope that I will have a speedy recovery....I feel as though I can date now, been on a few dates already and just want to make sure I dont end up with the kind of person he was....I need to be more careful and ask the right questions from the start. He really fooled me.... I must learn to trust men again and I do believe that there are still some good guys out there. .... I just need to keep looking.
Author sally1530 Posted June 22, 2004 Author Posted June 22, 2004 Well its been 2 months to the day the wedding was called off, its been really hard on me, but getting past the wedding date of may 22nd and the honeymoon time has helped. I am dating a christian man now , who is a teacher and is wanting a serious relationship. He is so much more than my ex-fiance was, maybe not by looks but looks are very decieving. He and I have been dating for 3 weeks now and everything is going well. I have hopes that this will work for the best! I now know I would have been settling for my ex by marrying him and we would have been divorced with a year. I am thankful now that things worked out this way, just wish he didnt have to be such an royal selfish *ss. But now I have hope that there are honest , good people who want that same things as I do. So thanks so much everyone for all your support. I has really made me heal faster and get back my self esteem.
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