Codcam Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) I dated a stunningly gorgeous intelligent woman back last summer that works intermittently with me. The only problem was that she had ended a 4 year relationship less than a week before we hooked up. We connected on many levels and began to get very intimate but no full on sex. I was euphoric and began to fall for this woman....stupid me. When she began to miss her ex 2.5 months into the relationship, she told me "I think its best if we were jsut friends". I reluctantly agreed as she clearly wasnt ready for anything. However, I knew what was going to play out, and it did. I continued to harbor feelings for her and she mildly flirted with me but continued to re-iterated that I am a "good friend" and tended to avoid seeing me outside of work (or at least put in little effort into seeing me like she had). She clearly valued our friendship though and was very very kind to me (invite to her parents house for thanksgiving, brought me a bday cake, brought me another cake when I got a promotion, reached out to me when she knew i needed support). I valued it too and gave her emotional support and enjoyed our time with each other deeply, but I knew that it was simply an outlet for how I truly felt inside. I love her and there isnt any doubting it. I couldnt stop thinking about her. I tried all that I could to convert my feelings to a friendship and it woudlnt happen. So, after five months of torture (8 months post 4yr relationship) I began to see signals that she was open to dating again. She made statements like "I need to find a groom", "guys always get second chances", etc. I nonchalantly brought up the question "Is there a possibility that someday we could give what we had a second chance?" She coyly but firmly responded with "I see you as just a friend" and made other clear statements that she doesnt feel any romantic feelings for me. I was crushed and I instantly knew what had to happen. I told her "I cannot do this anymore". I effectively ended the pseudo-friendship. It was wrong of me to feel like I did and pretend that I was only a friend. It was dishonest and undermining any real friendship. She was upset but wasnt crying. I was on the verge of tears but I held back. She tried to make plea deals like setting me up with a hot friend so that we could still be friends or asking me how long this was going to last and what it meant. She wanted me to always be in her life. I told her that I wasnt going to be able to do that right now. I had feelings for her and I always did and that I was waitng for her even though she had told me not too. It was something that I couldnt stop as hard as I tried and I chose to be friends out of respect to her and her emotional state at the time. I told her that I wasnt going to be able to stick around and watch her date someone else. Her reply was that she didnt have to tell me about it if she was. I responded that it wouldnt be a true friendship if she wasnt being honest and open with me. I answered all of her questions and told her that I wasnt punnishing her even though she feels that i am indirectly. I told her that I am sorry and I wish it didnt have to be this way but its been so hard on me and driving me crazy. She respected my decision but was clearly not happy with it. She was sad. This happened 3 days ago and I have been a wreck since. I try to not think about it but I keep getting flashes of her sad face and good times we had in my mind and I feel so horrible about it. I have to stop whatever I am doing and cry in hysterics every now and then. This choice goes against so much of what i believe about loyalty, friendship, and love. It hurts so bad... I saw her again at work yesterday and kept my distance but remained friendly and not awkward. It just so happens that I will be changing jobs soon nad I wont have to see her again without lots of effort. This feels so so bad and so wrong of me. I miss her so very much. I dont want to hurt her and she really hasnt done anything mean to me and I know she never would. I feel sick and empty inside. Please tell me Im doing the right thing..... p.s. no she didnt reunite with her ex, but im not eliminating the possibility that she is dating around again Edited April 7, 2012 by Codcam
carhill Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Welcome to LS IMO, a healthy woman wouldn't have toyed with your emotions by 'mildly flirting with me' and doing things for/with you after knowing that you were attracted to her, especially after dating her briefly, and where she clearly said she did not feel the same way. Her actions were muddy. The tail end of this was the Cheer's effect. She was sad because you were a consistent fixture which 'knew her name' and she was sad to lose that fixture. Think about that. How many guys do you think she knows who would be around to meet her emotional needs without any romantic reciprocation? Your leaving left a hole and she was sad about that. Here's a canary. Friends are generally friends because of shared interests and synergistic philosophies about life. They're not friends because of dickinsider. Tell us about the synergistic philosophies you shared and the interests you participated in together. For example, my best friend and I rehab houses together and shoot guns together. Those are shared interests. You made the right choice, IMO. Good on ya. In the future, you'll be even more decisive. 2
Author Codcam Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 I agree with your first part. her actions were muddy. you took the workds out of my mouth. she knew i was interested in her and how i felt about her and she continued to mildly flirt. i dont believe it was intentional on her part though. she is younger and less experienced. I didnt go into our connection because it seemed unnecessary to bring it up. However, since you asked I will elucidate. I am a physician and she is applying to medical school. We both work medical research and are ambitious about it. We both have a passion for science and adventure. We ramble on and on about neuroglial cells, complications with central lines, and chi squared tests. We both have an interest in knowledge and particularly about literature and "the deeper meaning". It goes on and on and on. She may have lost a person that "knows my name", but Ive lost something much more.
Author Codcam Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 BTW thank you for welcoming me and I appreciate your thoughts
Yamaha Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 You are doing the right thing! You want more than friendship and she just wants a buddy. You don't want to hang around (knowing you are not enough for her). It will eat you up inside. Friendship is nice but not when you see it as the starting point and she sees it as the end. Good Luck 2
Author Codcam Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Friendship is nice but not when you see it as the starting point and she sees it as the end. That eloquently describes the whole 5 month predicament.
Redbul Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I went through a very similar situation which I posted under "push me, pull me"... He played on my feelings for him in retrospect though by saying he wanted to be friends after we dated, and sleeping with me when we did get together. Im not putting all the blame on him though, but I was totally in love with him and he didnt have the same feelings for me (or possibly ANY feelings ) and kept me dangling. You dont want to keep re-opening the wound, as you would if you continue to have a pseudo-friendship. I know, I did it. It just prolongs the pain, and now I am in NC. I miss him terribly, as we did have alot in common and he is an amazing person. It was just NEVER going to be enough to just be his friend and I dont think it will be for you either. 1
carhill Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 We both have a passion for science and adventure. We ramble on and on about neuroglial cells, complications with central lines, and chi squared tests. We both have an interest in knowledge and particularly about literature and "the deeper meaning". It goes on and on and on. So, once you have resolved your attraction, if ever, you could be healthy friends. Bonus Her job would be to be an equally healthy friend to you, with the past being the past. Since you've 'ended the Friend-zone-ship', such could be possible in your future, IMO, *if* you can honestly say your romantic attraction is gone. An example would be sincerely welcoming and shaking the hand of a new romantic interest of hers. Great canary. Vice-versa of course. 1
Author Codcam Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Thank you all. I do feel that this is the right choice as I know that I would become a blubbering blob if I were t meet a current boyfriend. When I tild her it was done and I was going to put distance between us I knew it would be hard. She and I are on several project together and see each other at work at least one a week. After monday though, I will likely not see her for an entire month. This will be helpful. However, she texts me today. Previously, I had told her that part of this would be us not texting, calling, emailing, hanging out outside of work, etc. She even said that she wouldnt text me. This is our convo: Her: "Hey..sry to bother u.. Do u think it would be ok if I came in mon 4 u 2 show me all the stuff instead of tuesday? Im trying to plan last min vacay" Me: "No, that will be okay" Her: "Great thanks, see you then! Also, should I call (supervisor) or email to ask also or not?" Me: "Just call and tell him. No need to ask" I know this is a meaningless convo but ****! It got my mind all whipped up again! I try to distract myself and then thoughts creep up about how she might think Im being rude to her on text because Im not being myself and excited about her vacation or being engaging. yadda yadda yadda. I really do miss her and I do wish this didnt have to happen. I hope I can get over her because I dont like being like this to her. Even though she rejected me and I have walked away, I still care for her deeply and dont want her to be hurt. I really hope I can move on. This sucks so bad.
Author Codcam Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Im really concerned that the physical attraction will never go away. This girl is easily a 10 on all my attraction scales. Im not saying that simply b/c I have feelings for her. She is easily Victoria Secret quality and intelligent as hell. There isnt a single guy on Earth that could turn her down. (except of course me, the one that is turning down a phony friendship)
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