Hux Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 My GF of 5 months dumped me this week. She's been divorced twice, 2 kids from the previous marriage which ended two years ago, I was the first man she dated since. We are at two different places in our lives. She has a career, 50% custody, pulls 60+ hour weeks, and recently had that workload increased substantially. In addition to this, she had recently work related functions that caused her to withdraw. I grew needy. Not proud of it. There were somethings that we needed to lay some groundwork on but never did because it hadn't become an issue until the past few weeks. With what's happened in her career recently, trying to be there for her kids (instead of a 1/2 asleep wreck) and finding time for herself, she ended it. Said she needs to find balance again. She said she loved me but not enough to continue the relationship as it is and with what she has to do right now. Her career is the business she built from the ground up, owner and proprietor, and as it is, she's stretched to the breaking point. She has little time for anything right now besides her kids and career. Since we started dating she never told me how much of things she put on the back burner. She hadn't taken any time for herself too during this time. Didn't know these things until she pulled the plug. My situation is different. I can't begin my career for 6 months. There are valid reasons for it which I can't get into currently. I have a child from a previous relationship and the custody battle/child support is imminent (next 3 months). Personally, I've let life happen instead of taking control of it, and making it better. It's stagnated. Not sure how much or deeply she's aware of it. Some other points: 1) she said she couldn't be there for me the way she needed and wanted to be. She still loves me. She lives an hour away. When we broke up our time talking got cut short because she was late to an appointment. I think at times she may have felt unequally yoked. She has her crap together for the most part, and I'm just getting started. That she's 1.5 years younger than me doesn't help. She knows I want to be married one day; she's not sure if she ever wants to be married again. I told her (not fully) that I don't care about marriage more than I care about being with the right woman. In my bones I know that we should be together. Think the timing is off. She seemed happy about the notion of getting together every few weeks for coffee/dinner and seeing where we're at. As far as us, she can't be with me when she's let her life get so back logged and pressure filled. She's a hard worker and being a single parent isn't easy. She has to make her business work or her kids starve, she starves. She has to be there for her kids. She has to make time for her and do good things for herself. Me? I have to get my crap together. I have to parent my baby (the child's mother claimed sole custody and did a host of things to keep me from our baby. That relationship's been done over a year.) I have to get my career started. These things will change me. She said she wanted to know what affect this will all have on me. Said she doesn't know what the future holds or how she'll feel down the road but she knows she loves me. My path is clear and I'm actively taking the steps necessary to get to where I need to be. What she needs are what I need as far as career and parenthood. If we did get back together, I can't talk about things while this happening. She has to SEE it. I can only show her and hope she wants to come back. I'm terrified of this being left to chance but there's no choice. I know. Beyond a shadow of a doubt I know we have potential to have a future together. There's too much good here. Too much that DID work and made sense. I think she's afraid of truly opening her heart to the idea of being hurt and by extension allowing the possibility of her kids getting hurt. What if I died? There are no guarantees. It's up to her. Even if we tried again there'd still be hardships until we talk about and decide what we need, how much we need, and what we can do. I don't know what the future holds and I'm terrified. She has to open the door. I will not try to talk her into anything. She has to want to be with me and my child. I can only show her (and my actions are for me and my child alone. That we need the same things to transpire is a bonus). What she needs is what we need so I can give my mid, and possibly her and her kids a better life than that of a clock-puncher. My question is this: do we have a shot? I'm wholly committed to the idea and how much work this could take to see it through. She's not there right now. Shes not at a point where she can make time for a relationship. In some ways it's simple. What I do know is how she feels, what we ultimately both need, and how it can come back. She has to redesign her life to include a relationship. She has to WANT that or else we are doomed to failure. I know I want to spend my life with her, married or no, the motivation to take the next step is based solely on taking the next step in my life and creating a better life for my child. She wants what we need. Not doing these things for her. It's just a happy coincidence that these goals dovetail into each other.
january2011 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I read somewhere that when it's a break up due to circumstances outside of the control of the couple in question, e.g., long distance, and everything else appears 'perfect', the chances of getting back together are higher than if it's due to something like a clash in personality or values. However, I believe that relationships require a 'perfect storm' and a number of factors need to come together to make them work or even get started in the first place. When your circumstances change, there's nothing to say that you will definitely get back together, because it may be that she decides that she doesn't do second chances. Too many unknowns to predict what will and won't happen. What you can do though is to focus on the now. That is, working on yourself and moving forward without her. I'm not suggesting that you give up hope, but what I am suggesting is that you don't let it hold you back from living your life.
Author Hux Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 Not going to sit stagnate. I've got do now what I can to improve my child's life and mine. We dated in high school and reconnected online after 14 years. If we gave it another go, it'd be the 3rd time. But situations change and it could go either way. We'd have to be sure we're giving it everything we've got - I can't go through this kind of hurt again. My son is in the hospital, he'll be fine. She texted me about it and if I needed anything. She still loves me. And I love her. Can't stand the thought of this being left to chance but there's no choice it seems.
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