Jester5510 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/320253-ldr-ended-need-some-serious-unbiased-comments-complicated-situation The above was my original thread. It doesn't include all of the details, but it does include the pertinent parts.The flowers were sent and received today with the letter. No response, as I assumed. I removed her from Facebook, my phone, zipped all of our pictures and put them somewhere safe... Since the month post break-up I've been holding onto a sliver of hope, which was stupid, I know that. At this point, I'm pretty f-ing angry at it all. The woman I wanted to marry, for the first time in my life (30, m), who said she wanted to marry me until the end, named our children, promised me she'd be there forever unless I cheated on her, just split for fear and is acting like everything is hunky dory. I'm an attractive guy (not trying to be cocky) and women have literally been throwing themselves at me since we split for the last month+.. 20, 30, 40, doesn't matter. It's like as soon as we split the world is trying to throw every physical thing at me. I've rejected all advances, because I want the love of my life back. But after I sent that letter, it was closure. I laid it out. F it. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm done hoping. I want to just give in to these advances, because maybe that'll take away the pain for the day or night. I know it's not right, but I haven't been leading the women on. I have told them that I'm in no shape or form to date or do anything with them and explained the situation to them. They are still offering their bodies to me. "Guilt free". I've done the right thing, I've told them I can not offer anything to a relationship and anything physical would be meaningless. I'm trying to find a way to get over this hurt, and this is how I used to do it. I KNOW it's not right. F.... talk me out of it. Tell me it's ok to do it. Tell me it's not ok to do it. Just tell me something, because I need anything. I've never been broken like this after 30 years and I'm f-ing lost and confused. She's gone. Every woman in a 10 block radius (slight exaggeration) is wanting me. Is it wrong to just go with it? What in the hell do I do? I know it'd give me temporary satisfaction, and maybe even emotional security, but I don't want to be that guy anymore. I'm f-ing lost.
SilverBlueAndGold Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I say just roll with it; if you don't want something long term and are up front about it, which it sounds like you are, than you have a clear conscience. That is much better than being deceptive about it. So you are already ahead of the game even if it doesn't feel like it. Totally understand not wanting anyone else, I am in the same boat. So take that approach; it's not like you are putting yourself out there right? If someone comes along that you fancy, and you let her know right off the bat what your intentions are and are safe and responsible about it then you are doing the right thing. If it doesn't feel right and you back off then that is also the right thing. Don't over think it.
Meg717 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I agree! I'm in a very similar situation... I'm just going with the flow and enjoying being single. If something should transpire and become more than just a fling then, maybe I'll be OK with it, but I'll worry about that when the time comes.
sweetheart5381 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 You pose a good question. I personally have many men who have made advances and I have told them that I do not do "one-nighters" and am not ready for any sort of relationship other than friendship and talking. I am still in love with my ex and have not let go yet. Generally, these men say that they will wait, and after a week or so they hit the road. No surprise there. I personally feel that it is an injustice to myself and another to engage in intimate acts without being ready for the possibility for more. Women often say that they can have casual sex, but they also get attached very quickly when sex is concerned. Unless she is a prostitute, be wary that you may get yourself into hot water and potentially hurt someone for your own sexual desires. I personally choose to wait til I am completely over my ex, however long that takes.
lizardking8610 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) Jester, The question really isn't is it acceptable or unacceptable to have meaningless sex. The real question, as with any emotionally based decision, is; what are your intentions and/or motivations? It seems from your post that you want to know if this is a good coping mechanism for getting over a shattered relationship. From my personal experience it all depends on my mindset and where I am at physically, emotionally and of course mentally. If I am totally over a girl it certainly wouldn't matter to me if I was having the occasional casual encounter. On the flipside if I still had strong feelings for the person and rebounded it usually ended up ultimately having a detrimental effect on my emotional well being. I know this goes against some conventional wisdom like "the best way to get over a girl is to get a new one (or some other variation thereof) However this "method" has not worked for me in the past. In fact I feel it prolonged toxic relationships that should have been ended much sooner. (thats another story) This may come off as harsh but here is my take on YOU, based on the limited information at my disposal, since you asked for it You're, maybe for the first time in a long time, VULNERABLE! Oh' what an unsettling feeling. Being emotionally vulnerable opens you up to some pretty poor decision making that may actually slow the healing process. Based on what you're saying you are going to use, yes I said use, someone to validate your self worth and, somehow through sex, make you feel more emotionally stable. On paper it doesn't look like a formula for success.... No amount of getting laid is going to make you feel better! There is a difference between physical lust and emotional connection we all know that. You had an emotional connection with your ex, this is obvious. So why would you think performing some gratifying physical act would take away your pain? The two are apples and oranges.... You need to take care of yourself, think about your needs, be self centered, stop worrying about her! Let YOU run your life and stop being a victim of circumstance. Your relationship is over. I know it's horrible, but that is the circumstance you are in. Grow in your own skin and avoid being physically or emotionally dependent on people, especially in your emotionally vulnerable state; you really are treating these potential FWB's like they are crutches designed to help you walk again. Rob Edited April 8, 2012 by lizardking8610 1
Author Jester5510 Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Women often say that they can have casual sex, but they also get attached very quickly when sex is concerned. Unless she is a prostitute, be wary that you may get yourself into hot water and potentially hurt someone for your own sexual desires. That's one thing I thought about. Back in the day I wouldn't have cared. Back in the day I was kind of an ass. These days, after maturity, the thought of hurting someone in that way kind of turns my stomach, thus the majority of the doubt at even trying. Thank you for your response. ------- Lizardking, I'd quote you, but the layout of the message doesn't lend well to that, so I'll respond in this way. You're pretty spot on with the vast majority of your reply. I completely acknowledge, even as the time that I posted the original, that I was using these potential circumstances as a crutch to hide or cover the emotional pain. One thing that you said really stuck out, however.. Vulnerability. I've never, ever been vulnerable with the opposite sex, relationship or not. However, right now... Yes, I am. I'm very vulnerable. That's not a pleasant feeling. You hit the nail on the head with that one and now I know that's why I'm entertaining these decisions. I wish I had read this last night. I explained to this one girl (older than me) again, because it came up in conversation, the details of where I'm at. Implicitly told her I was in no way ready to date anybody. It wouldn't be fair for me or them. I'm still in love with my ex, etc. She said something about friends with benefits, and then I left kind of early, because I didn't trust myself. When I left, she kissed me. I won't lie, I liked it. I liked feeling wanted, needed, etc... But I felt like I was cheating on my ex. Ugh, what a mess this post-breakup has become. I'm feeling better emotionally after NC, I'm not in such a state of depression, but I'm not fully healed, either.
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