What tips would you give the opposite gender?

[zengirl]

The only thing for men in particular would be to see women as people first, rather than objects of desire first, and refrain from ever putting a woman on a pedestal or trying to get into a relationship by pretending to be her friend for ages when you really want to date her. Just ask---the answer will not significantly change with time.

 

Most of the advice I'd give in dating is not gender specific.

 

Behave sincerely and authentically as well as respectfully in your dealings, even if/when such behavior may cause a man pain and/or hurt.

 

This is the only good way to live, IMO.

[xxoo]

Men--same advice, just change the genders:

 

Find a man who is already what you are looking for because trying to mold a man is an exercise in futility.

 

Not all men are the same. Treat every man as an individual instead of lumping us all into one group.

 

If you have an issue or something you need to tell him just come out and say it.

[carhill]

Being oneself, IMO, if generally healthy, is always a positive thing, regardless of whether another finds that self to be attractive or not. Retrospectively, I found that I had to change venues in order to be myself and be generally more attractive to women. I'm watching that right now, being myself and having a successful and fulfilling life post-divorce; it's locale which works against me in the relationship arena. So, I accept that, work to recover financially, retire, and get the heck out of here permanently. Within that decision is a tip for the opposite gender; if what you're doing isn't working, examine it and, if it passes the healthy litmus test, accept that and try something else which also passes that litmus test which can further your romantic/relationship goals. If other, work on personal change which meets that goal. Within choice lies freedom.

[Imajerk17]

Men, be yourselves. Forget the wooing stage since you can't maintain so what this does, is create an illusion of a man you're not. Once the illusion stage wears off, drama ensues since your treatment changes which causes emotional confusion within the woman, uncertain what happened.

 

Better to be yourself from the onset so you can find someone who appreciates you "as is", who's compatible.

 

This is called sustainable expectation management and should be something that women also adhere to.

 

The above said, if you can't find a partner being yourself, it's time for some internal navel gazing. Are you a selfish arse?

 

I get what you mean by this and I agree. Many guys are on their best behavior during the courting stage and then later on--e.g., after the infatuation wears off and they are in a relationship--are different people. Maybe they pretend to be into things they are not just to win the girl for example.

 

But I can also see how some guys reading this can get the wrong idea. We all could benefit to be expanding our comfort zones and some more than others. If a guy's idea of "being himself" is to blame the world for his frustrations, he needs to change his attitude and approach. And this might involve taking on behaviors that are not yet "being himself".

 

We all need to grow and expand our comfort zone

[somedude81]

refrain from ever putting a woman on a pedestal or trying to get into a relationship by pretending to be her friend for ages when you really want to date her. Just ask---the answer will not significantly change with time.

The reason this happens is that men can fall for girls they repeatedly interact with. And during that time period, a friendship may have already formed.

 

I second your advice on just asking her out and instead of trying to go friends first. Unfortunately some men are terrified of rejecting and it isn't that simple. And then there is the fallow up advice of walking away after she turns you down, and even then it's not that simple, especially if it's somebody you are going to see on a semi-regular basis. I've never been able to just turn off my feelings for a girl I liked when I still interacted with her or saw her around.

Men--same advice, just change the genders:

I'm not sure about that.

 

It's much more commonly heard of women trying to change the man. The whole, getting a bad boy and taming him. Most men don't try to tame the bad girl, just use her, lose her.

 

Also, I think women are more prone to not telling guys what is wrong and just hold it in expecting him to just know. Men will tell you when there is a problem.

[EasyHeart]

I don't see anything wrong with putting a woman on a pedestal.

 

It makes it easier to see up her skirt.

[FitChick]

I think women are more prone to not telling guys what is wrong and just hold it in expecting him to just know. Men will tell you when there is a problem.

 

I've had the opposite experience.

[Fondue]

[quote=Imajerk17;3924116

(1) Say what you mean and mean what you say. At least more than you do now. Women for some reason often say "yes" when they really mean "no" (to avoid confrontation), or say "no" when they really mean "yes" (to test the guy to see how into them he really is). And then you are surprised when you don't get your desired result!

 

There was a thread from someone on here who texted a guy she liked "This is where we go our separate ways" and she was surprised that it didn't get her a positive result! I know many of you women reading this think the guy was "supposed to" see this as a sign that she wanted reassurance and step up, but that is not how most guys work. The sooner you get this, the better.

 

We aren't mind-readers ladies. Sorry.

 

 

This is the best piece of advice in the entire thread, hell probably the best piece of advice on this forum in quite a while. Many people will just avoid it, but it speaks volumes.

 

This whole thing about expecting the man to be a mind reader is getting out of hand. It is ridiculous at times. He's absolutely right. I've known more than one woman say, "he should have ran after me after I said/did that!" I mean really? You stormed out of his apartment pissed and told him to "never speak to you again," and expected him to run after you? Really?

[Fondue]

I don't see anything wrong with putting a woman on a pedestal.

 

It makes it easier to see up her skirt.

Once you've seen under her skirt once, you can probably drop from that pedestal immediately. "It" won't really change.

[JesseJames]

Never put us men on a pedestal, we hate that.

 

Don't be a whiner. Women that complain and whine and complain reminds us of women that complain and whine and complain and you don't want us to start listening to it because duct tape works great.

 

If a man says there's no food in the house, there's no food in the house and it's time to go shoot some.

 

The only thing a man hates worse than a scratch on the break, is no sex on the pool table.

 

That is all.

[xxoo]

It's much more commonly heard of women trying to change the man. The whole, getting a bad boy and taming him. Most men don't try to tame the bad girl, just use her, lose her.

 

Also, I think women are more prone to not telling guys what is wrong and just hold it in expecting him to just know. Men will tell you when there is a problem.

 

You are right that men don't try to tame the bad girl as women try to tame the bad guy. But I see guys trying to mold the girl into someone more attractive to him--encouraging her to work out, lose weight, grow hair longer, get breast implants, etc.

 

And I'm not convinced men are better at communicating than women. They may just stuff deeper, and for longer, before it comes out.

[xxoo]

I've known more than one woman say, "he should have ran after me after I said/did that!" I mean really? You stormed out of his apartment pissed and told him to "never speak to you again," and expected him to run after you? Really?

 

"The beatings will continue until morale improves!"

 

The guys have a point here, ladies.

[RedRobin]

There was a thread from someone on here who texted a guy she liked "This is where we go our separate ways" and she was surprised that it didn't get her a positive result! I know many of you women reading this think the guy was "supposed to" see this as a sign that she wanted reassurance and step up, but that is not how most guys work. The sooner you get this, the better.

 

We aren't mind-readers ladies. Sorry.

 

I don't remember anyone here telling her that he was supposed to take it any other way than as a passive rejection.

 

In fact, many of us (go back and read)... myself included, told her that he probably got the wrong message with that.

 

Face it... both men and women do knucklehead things when they are feeling insecure and timid. Women aren't mind readers either. The guy didn't do much to reassure her in advance of that text. They were both being a bit passive there.

 

Ah YOUTH! Such a shame it is wasted on the young!!!

[Woggle]

Also when a man's trust is betrayed it never fully returns. Betrayal is one of the worst things in a man's mind and once that line is crossed there will always be doubt in his mind. It is my one unforgivable sin with everybody in my life and why cheating is a complete dealbreaker to me.

[threebyfate]

I get what you mean by this and I agree. Many guys are on their best behavior during the courting stage and then later on--e.g., after the infatuation wears off and they are in a relationship--are different people. Maybe they pretend to be into things they are not just to win the girl for example.

Exactly.

 

But I can also see how some guys reading this can get the wrong idea. We all could benefit to be expanding our comfort zones and some more than others. If a guy's idea of "being himself" is to blame the world for his frustrations, he needs to change his attitude and approach. And this might involve taking on behaviors that are not yet "being himself".

 

We all need to grow and expand our comfort zone

IMO, there's a clear distinction between expanding comfort zone and pretense. In the former, you're actively looking to change. In the latter, it's just a facade, where change isn't really being considered.

 

But I do think that there are a lot of people who aren't very self-aware, particularly guys. Once again, my opinion but with men, since testosterone deadens empathy to varying degrees, it can also deaden the internal/external mirror resonances that cause click or not between potential partners. There's a form of mirror like mating dance, where when one partner moves, the other moves in tune.

 

To expand on this theory, there appear to be a lot of systemizer type men on this site who are locked into their internal model of how attraction and relationships must proceed and progress. If women don't behave within the confines of what they consider to be their "success" model, they become bitter and cynical, finger-pointing at women for not fitting into their robotic beliefs. For chrissakes, flex a bit, do the mirror dance.

 

Now let's flip to the irrational women on this site, where everything's flexy, where they'll bend at every turn to accommodate their partners, to the degree they lose self and then, suddenly, feeling like they're being under-appreciated and taken for granted, hence stir up all kinds of unnecessary drama. Stop being a martyr and then a drama queen! If you give, give freely but be careful how far and who to give to, ensuring you're not the only person giving. Lay down some boundaries and don't be afraid to reinforce them. If someone doesn't appreciate what you're giving, stop giving.

 

Life and relationships aren't that complicated. Balance.

 

/rant over

[OhHey]

My advice to woman is

 

Men are men, we talk like men and some of us talk harsher than other men and we can't pepper every word said. So please stop making it into an ordeal if we say something like :Women who don't return the message are bitches"

[Imajerk17]

I don't remember anyone here telling her that he was supposed to take it any other way than as a passive rejection.

 

In fact, many of us (go back and read)... myself included, told her that he probably got the wrong message with that.

 

Face it... both men and women do knucklehead things when they are feeling insecure and timid. Women aren't mind readers either. The guy didn't do much to reassure her in advance of that text. They were both being a bit passive there.

 

Ah YOUTH! Such a shame it is wasted on the young!!!

 

You are correct. You personally indeed did say that, in fact before I did.

 

My larger point--that women all too often test a guy they're into by "rejecting" him--still stands though!

[RedRobin]

I'm watching that right now, being myself and having a successful and fulfilling life post-divorce; it's locale which works against me in the relationship arena. So, I accept that, work to recover financially, retire, and get the heck out of here permanently.

 

ditto, except the retire part.

 

Here's a nice map that might help in your relocation plans...

 

National Geographic Magazine's 'Singles Map'

[RedRobin]

You are correct. You personally indeed did say that, in fact before I did.

 

My larger point--that women all too often test a guy they're into by "rejecting" him--still stands though!

 

You're right. It does still stand. I've done that bonehead move once or twice myself. The poster said she felt conflicted because she was trying not to appear too 'needy'. oy vay. Crossed signals... I think another poster suggested she avoid texting and call instead. Others have given the same general advice.

[Necris]

Men, be yourselves. Forget the wooing stage since you can't maintain so what this does, is create an illusion of a man you're not. Once the illusion stage wears off, drama ensues since your treatment changes which causes emotional confusion within the woman, uncertain what happened.

 

Better to be yourself from the onset so you can find someone who appreciates you "as is", who's compatible.

 

This is called sustainable expectation management and should be something that women also adhere to.

 

The above said, if you can't find a partner being yourself, it's time for some internal navel gazing. Are you a selfish arse?

 

For guys who can't create a relationship with a woman being themselves is not going to cut it, if it did why have I never had a girlfriend? And no you don't have to be selfish some people are just not desirable, so continuing to be their self isn't going to help anything.

[ptp]

- Be on time

 

- Don't text someone else when we have made plans to spend time together

 

- Don't cheat, don't give me a reason to think you are cheating

 

- If you genuinely like a guy, make an effort, it's okay. We don't live in the 1950s where only the guy constantly purses the woman

 

- Assume, that I have no idea why you are mad. Just tell me why so I can fix apologize

Edited April 7, 2012 by ptp

[Kamille]

Dear men

 

Real life isn't an action movie. Women aren't rewards you get for playing your cards right, being the strong/nic-/smart/rich/mean/ -est person out there, in spite of what those who can't play will try to make you believe. Besides, relationships aren't built on lies*. They're built on compatibility. There is a woman out there who is likely to love you for who you are.

(*= point aptly also made by TBF)

 

Women aren't prizes. We're human. So be smart. Don't let beauty sway you. Get to know a woman before you decide she's the one you have to have. Make sure you two are compatible, whatever your compatible is.

 

Real life isn't a porn movie. Not every women out there is going to be into you. That isn't a reflection of who you are, it's merely a reflection of her own likes and dislikes. She's allowed to have them. Not every woman is looking for the same thing. Don't waste your time on a woman who doesn't want you.

 

Women aren't all the same. You don't need a guide book to understand us. You just need the ability to communicate, to be open to getting to know someone. Just because one woman acts one way doesn't mean all women act that way. You get to decide how much drama you invite into your life. Choose wisely.

[fucpcg]

Ladies, PLEASE do not involve your children in the relationship if you are not one that is willing to give every last possible effort to make a relationship work thru hard times. It's not fair to the kids, and it's not fair to the man, and it's what just happened to me.

[Kamille]

 

To expand on this theory, there appear to be a lot of systemizer type men on this site who are locked into their internal model of how attraction and relationships must proceed and progress. If women don't behave within the confines of what they consider to be their "success" model, they become bitter and cynical, finger-pointing at women for not fitting into their robotic beliefs. For chrissakes, flex a bit, do the mirror dance.

 

Now let's flip to the irrational women on this site, where everything's flexy, where they'll bend at every turn to accommodate their partners, to the degree they lose self and then, suddenly, feeling like they're being under-appreciated and taken for granted, hence stir up all kinds of unnecessary drama. Stop being a martyr and then a drama queen! If you give, give freely but be careful how far and who to give to, ensuring you're not the only person giving. Lay down some boundaries and don't be afraid to reinforce them. If someone doesn't appreciate what you're giving, stop giving.

 

 

When I read the first paragraph, it made me think the parallel group of LS women were the "over-analyzers". They're the ones who live dating with so much anxiety that they lose track of their gut instincts. They're the group who believe men should behave a certain way and turn to the board with the "This means he's not into me, right?" threads. Half the time, the situation could be directly handled with the partner, instead of fussed over and amped up into an emergency situation here. Oddly enough, their anxiety is often amped up on here, instead of redirected. I'd say they're the other side of the systemizers.

[threebyfate]

When I read the first paragraph, it made me think the parallel group of LS women were the "over-analyzers". They're the ones who live dating with so much anxiety that they lose track of their gut instincts. They're the group who believe men should behave a certain way and turn to the board with the "This means he's not into me, right?" threads. Half the time, the situation could be directly handled with the partner, instead of fussed over and amped up into an emergency situation here. Oddly enough, their anxiety is often amped up on here, instead of redirected. I'd say they're the other side of the systemizers.

Point taken and agreed to some extent, although the over-analysis isn't based on logical stream or model. It's over-emotionalism, where their empathy is over-amped, where any deviance is internalised which triggers their fear of loss/abandonment aka freak-out session.