Considering seperation, I wonder if it is the right thing?

[confused2314]

*warning contains personal details but this is an anonymous post*

 

G'day,

 

My name is Matt, I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder and I am considering seperating from my wife.

 

Firstly I want to say that I know research proves that living with someone with a mental illness puts more pressure on a marriage and increases chance of divorce. I know I am not the easiest to live with sometimes when unwell.

 

My wife and I have been married now for 4 years, and for the last 3 we pretty much haven't been married just living together. We have not been intimate at all for 3 years due to the fighting and the fact that I am not attracted to my wife which is terrible I know. We haven't even hugged or kissed during that time although I have tried to kiss her and she will pull away and make a joke that my breath smells (usually in the morning so it probably does!) etc. I have always been a social late bloomer due to my mental illness and I have had terrible relationship sense. I had always wanted a girlfriend/wife and was naive and didn't know how to go about it. When I met my wife we socially clicked extremely well. I loved her but was not 'in love' if that makes sense. I was not really attracted to her but thought that we would both one day take up some sort of sport and physically change and I would be attracted. She has been in a marriage before and it was disasterous. So we lived together for 2 years and really got along well, we were intimate about once every 2 months although we are not really sexually compatible.

 

So anyways neither of us have been acting as husband or wife for the last 3 years and everything has been in futility. Our house is now filthy because both of us rarely clean and we have not cooked in the kitchen, only just buy takeaway or takeout everynight. It is a really disfunctional relationship.

 

So I had been off work for the last 3 months as I had a nervous breakdown (related to having a bad reaction to a medication). I put some financial strain on my wife and could not help with the bills but she is VERY good with money and has a lot of savings. During the time she was angry at me and when I was trying to get better she would trigger a fight even when I was trying and I just could not cope because when you are mentally ill everything is harder to deal with. She mentioned SEVERAL times for me to *get out* and I would have to sleep in the living room on the floor and would say she didn't care if I stayed or left. In one fight she admitted she could not deal with my mental illness anymore and I reminded her that it was for life. She frequently admitted she doesn't love me.

 

She told me that sometimes she hates coming home to me and sometimes I hate when I come home and she is there and she starts a fight I just can't cope.

 

At times she has befriended men and done *so much* for them and neglected me and finally admitted she just hoped to meet another man to start a RS with but they didn't work out. She has promised me that she has never cheated and I have never cheated on her. I realise now that it is likely that if we divorce I am probably better off living along and taking responsibility for myself and helping others where I can.

 

So I realised finally that although I sort of care for her and sometimes vice versa we are probably better off seperate, we are TWO totally different people and she has different goals to me. She is VERY Christian and I have a faith but do not go to church, she wants kids but I think that may make the situation worse if we already have a bad marriage.

 

When she caught wind that I was planning to move out and live with my dad she completely backpedaled and did a 180???? She was being nice to me but kept saying "You are the one that wants a seperation", at one point I asked her why I want a seperation and she replied "because we have a crap marriage that nothing will fix, see ya". She backpedaled again 1 hour later. She was blaming me for things but I don't really blame either of us - the fact of the matter is we do not get along and we can fix things or seperate. She said she DOESN't want a seperation or divorce now and I asked her why do you want to suffer in a bad marriage??

 

I think because of her previous bad marriage she doesn't want to be seen in the church to divorce again and the church frowns upon divorce (even though her church pastor has been married twice). I think she may even prefer to be in a bad marriage than be alone and although it is unlikely that I will find a long term partner that I click with (I could probably get a casual thing but that is as far it would go I think) I KNOW she would find a man, she has had truck drivers crack on to her at work. She just wants a normal okka man who will have kids and mow the lawn which she will find.

 

PLEASE HELP! I am very relationship immature and have never been though anything like this before, I am not assigning blame to anyone I just want to DO something to fix this whether it be to seperate or by some total miracle start clicking. I don't want to fall into the same cycles before as we have been here before it just gets a little nastier everytime and this is the first time I have considered seperation for both of our sakes. I would be very gratefull for any help. I am really scared but am taking responsiblity now and think this may be the right thing to do.

[TaraMaiden]

you don't sound in the slightest bit immature to me - but actually, she does...

i also think you're right - fear of the outcome keeps her stuck.

I agree you two should go to counselling, together, but perhaps you should both also agree to individual counselling - and I think she would benefit....

 

However, please be completely aware:

 

Counselling . is . not . designed . to . keep . people . together.

 

No, it's not.

 

Counselling provides people with a safe, level and even playing field where each partner can express themselves calmly, openly and safely, and really reveal what is on their mind and discuss things logically with an eventual hope of a healthy compromise.

Counsellors are not there to do the work for you.

They arbitrate and guide, suggest and open up avenues of further dialogue, but their job is neither to teach nor preach, and they can't fix anything.

 

You have to fix ‘anything’.

 

The problem is - both people have to want it.

Because one person, on their own, cannot fix what ails 2 people.

a relationship is a partnership, and both people are 100% responsible for their 50% of the partnership.

 

'Blame' is more proportional, but the responsibility of relationship maintenance goes right down the middle.

 

If you're both equally willing to take, and assume responsibility, then you have more of a chance of getting this back onto the rails.

if the input is unequal - the result will follow, like a shadow....