dsw31 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Just curious if anyone has experienced multiple breakups with the same partner... I am not sure if I'm having a harder time getting over my ex, because I think I still hold on to the hope that we will eventually get back together again.(our 3rd & final breakup) I feel like it's different this time.Like he does not love me at all anymore romantically.This is the longest he has went without contacting me (he texted 5 days ago but I ignored it) I have told him multiple times, not to contact me unless he wants to actually put an effort into being in a relationship. He never took it serious before.He would always text me little inside jokes & throw me breadcrumbs but, I think he either finally got the point, that it makes me hope for something he can't give me... OR... He is happy to be single.It's almost like I want him to text me, even though I know this endless cycle has to stop.I guess I just get comfort from him contacting me, knowing he is thinking about me. I am feeling really bad about it because, I feel like he has detached himself from me so long ago, I feel like it's easy for him to be without me now. He is probably comfortable thinking I'll stick around on the backburner but, I CAN'T do it anymore! He has lost all respect for me because I was his doormat! Yet,I can't stop feeling like I want him back. I'm also scared because, during our 2nd breakup (lasted 4 months) I was a ghost.Severely depressed! I felt like I would never be happy again, unless we got back together.Then when we did, I felt whole again.I just don't see myself being able to get over him without therapy or something.I can't afford to talk a professional though. If was our 1st & only breakup, I almost feel like it would have been easier.To just go through the pain once. My head's all over the place so, I hope this makes sense to someone & would love any responses.I am sooo depressed tonight.Weekends are always the hardest for me. FYI - We dated for 3 years (had 3 breakups) and final breakup was March 18,2012
N0where Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Reading and posting to these forums is definitely therapeutic for me, will probably help you too. Check this discussion out: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/320953-my-7yr-relationship-over-good To sum it up: 1) Grieve 2) Heal 3) Focus on YOU Hang in in there IT WILL GET BETTER (you are not the only one, you could spend days reading LS and come across many similar situations). Oh ya, No Contact (NC) helps a lot!
TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 they're harder to heal from, for two reasons; One; it's become a habit, so in essence you're having to go cold turkey from an addiction - and addiction to a behaviour pattern is just as hard to shift as an addiction to drugs - and it's just as harmful an addiction.... Two; you become so used to being a ping-pong ball/bat, that you 'settle' for new relationships, and may fall into an equally destructive one, because you don't know how to be constant, or consistent.... the big problem with on-off relationships - apart from the fact that there is an obvious and evident incompatibility - is that partners don't have a clue how to communicate properly, and so misunderstandings arise all the time. the biggest immediate flaw in any relationship problem, is a lack of constructive communication. 1
Author dsw31 Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 they're harder to heal from, for two reasons; One; it's become a habit, so in essence you're having to go cold turkey from an addiction - and addiction to a behaviour pattern is just as hard to shift as an addiction to drugs - and it's just as harmful an addiction.... Two; you become so used to being a ping-pong ball/bat, that you 'settle' for new relationships, and may fall into an equally destructive one, because you don't know how to be constant, or consistent.... the big problem with on-off relationships - apart from the fact that there is an obvious and evident incompatibility - is that partners don't have a clue how to communicate properly, and so misunderstandings arise all the time. the biggest immediate flaw in any relationship problem, is a lack of constructive communication. Thank you for the replies so far, It is totally like an addiction! I even crave an argument, just to have some contact!I feel so pathetic for still loving someone who doesn't feel the same anymore. I can totally understnd your viewpoint about jumping right back into a new unhealthy relationship but, I truley believe that the only good thing that came from all this heartbreak is that, I have learned so much about not tolerating bad behavior ever again.My ex actually TOLD me that he lost respect for me because I let him treat me bad! If that's not a slap in the face of reality, I don't know what is! I truley hope I can take all I learned & never make the same mistakes again. Tara, I have been creeping around on the forums for a while & really think you have lots of great advice so,thanks for taking the time to post about my situation.I hope I can be as strong as you...and soon!
Author dsw31 Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 they're harder to heal from, for two reasons; One; it's become a habit, so in essence you're having to go cold turkey from an addiction - and addiction to a behaviour pattern is just as hard to shift as an addiction to drugs - and it's just as harmful an addiction.... Two; you become so used to being a ping-pong ball/bat, that you 'settle' for new relationships, and may fall into an equally destructive one, because you don't know how to be constant, or consistent.... the big problem with on-off relationships - apart from the fact that there is an obvious and evident incompatibility - is that partners don't have a clue how to communicate properly, and so misunderstandings arise all the time. the biggest immediate flaw in any relationship problem, is a lack of constructive communication. Oh yeah- you are right on about not having any good communication too!
TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 .... I can totally understnd your viewpoint about jumping right back into a new unhealthy relationship but, I truley believe that the only good thing that came from all this heartbreak is that, I have learned so much about not tolerating bad behavior ever again......I truley hope I can take all I learned & never make the same mistakes again. i hope that for you too... just be mindful about going into a relationship and being so uber-alert for 'negative' signs, that you fail to focus on the positive signs... again, knowing what communication skills are required, is a big plus.... so be open to discussion, and make sure your radar's functioning "Without prejudice" - ! Tara, I have been creeping around on the forums for a while & really think you have lots of great advice so,thanks for taking the time to post about my situation.I hope I can be as strong as you...and soon! thank you, that's very kind of you.... i'm very much a 'people person' so i'm glad you find what i say helpful. i have a short fuse when it comes to morons though....!
darkmoon Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 we grew closer over the years, ups and downs are ok
Author dsw31 Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 we grew closer over the years, ups and downs are ok Thanks for the post darkmoon but, I'm not sure what you mean by that?
staringspace Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 they're harder to heal from, for two reasons; One; it's become a habit, so in essence you're having to go cold turkey from an addiction Two; you become so used to being a ping-pong ball/bat, that you 'settle' for new relationships, and may fall into an equally destructive one, because you don't know how to be constant, or consistent.... the big problem with on-off relationships - apart from the fact that there is an obvious and evident incompatibility - is that partners don't have a clue how to communicate properly, and so misunderstandings arise all the time. the biggest immediate flaw in any relationship problem, is a lack of constructive communication. OP, I had an EXACT thing like yours and broke it off at the beginning of March. I agree with TaraMaiden - after a certain amount of times you break up, the relationship gets harder and harder to salvage but you still want that person in your life, so it does become an addiction. You have to break the cycle eventually, because it just gets to the point where you know you aren't happy any more, but you can't bring yourself to leave. Having an on/off thing, I just don't think is worth it. Everyone deserves a relationship where they aren't in limbo all the time - whilst you may have thoughts that person is going to come back to you when broken up, when you're together you have the paranoia of them having a reason to break up with you again. It works both ways. 1
darkmoon Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the post darkmoon but, I'm not sure what you mean by that? ups and downs are ok because.... as it unfolded > on off on off cuz i liked freedom, he's strong and sees others, falls in love with one silly me threw him away, but they split, we make friends and we have great sex, i go work abroad but leave sirprise unpredicabale messages about what i'd do to him in bed anyway (recommended) when i finally get back to UK, i look him up and we are back on, til he lost his looks and grew grouchy over things that were not that bad we never lived together to avoid rows (Germaine Greer notes this " the sexy fun guy you knew at twenty-five can become mean and ugly by the age of fifty" can) the glue/s that moved things along all this time, twenty years, was v good sex, so he said, and a shared sense of humour i think i was lucky he liked me alot and without that much liking me, we would've fizzled out but instead over time he was my rock but our sex life went crap, grew predicatble but he still liked it, but would not do anything about his rough hands, not a slick of hand lotion, i hated his hands on me in the end = unbearable and he never used a hanky sniff sniff = foul Edited April 7, 2012 by darkmoon 1
SilverBlueAndGold Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 - after a certain amount of times you break up, the relationship gets harder and harder to salvage but you still want that person in your life, so it does become an addiction. You have to break the cycle eventually, because it just gets to the point where you know you aren't happy any more, but you can't bring yourself to leave. This sums it up very well. Each time we go back it's a little harder, there are more wounds, it seems harder to maintain. What it comes down to is somebody has to leave the asylum first. It's not always easy and you may be labled the bad guy and you may even get sucked back in. Just remember that you broke up for a reason...and even if you manage to smooth that over it will always be a part of the (broken) relationship. Take it as a learning experience, that is what I am doing. I will do everything in my power to avoid ping-ponging in the future, it's just not worth it and life is too short. 1
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