Online Dating / Initial Texting (Very Stressed)

[Scribl]

Hey,

 

So I'm brand new to this site. I came on the internet to try and find some stress-relief help...but nothing has really been able to help the real issue (which stems from my overactive imagination / thought-flow).

 

So a little backstory, I signed up on an online dating website a few months back. It really didn't work, at least at first, seeing as how I am a guy (and to receive back a message from a girl is quite difficult when you don't spend a lot of time on the website, and you aren't great at initiating conversations in the first place). Anyways, I sort of gave up on the site after a while, and rarely (if ever) logged on.

 

About a week ago, however, I received a message from this girl. I took a look at her profile, and to my shocking surprise she was really cool...sounded super sweet, cute, very similar interests to mine etc... Great stuff. So we start talking a bit back and forth on the messaging service the website provides.

 

It wasn't too long before we exchanged cell numbers. She seemed quite into me, texting me first, texting back fast, etc... And we set up a date to meet up (a thursday, approximately 4-5 days after we exchanged numbers). The whole week leading up to our scheduled date I was extremely anxious and nervous. Very excited to finally be meeting someone, who was seemingly really cool.

 

So the Thursday comes. I get a text at 8 am, her grandmother had passed away the day before. We text back and forth a little bit, I let her know how sorry I am and how much i completely understand and am totally fine with suspending our date. I text her back later that night (approx. 8 pm) saying "How are you doing?". She texts me back saying "Aw, :/ I'm alright. Thanks for checking in on me!" (something to that extent). I text back saying it's no problem at all, just glad to hear you're doing alright" and she responds with "That's really sweet of you..".

 

Needless to say, I was extremely relieved that I had gotten across I was much more empathetic than pissed we didn't get to meet that day. I followed her last text by saying "Just so you know, my schedule is pretty light the next few days. If you need to briefly get away from it all, don't hesitate to let me know if you want to grab a cup of coffee". She texted back "Well thank you. And I definitely will let you know. But I don't know.", i responded "Ok =], just keep in mind that's an option", she responded "Thanks" ending the conversation for the night.

 

So, this brings me to tonight. I debated with myself to text her or to leave it for a day or two... and settled on texting her. "How's everything?".. it took her quite a while to respond (which isn't entirely normal, but I figure texting someone back she barely knows doesn't take precedent over grieving over a close relative). She texted back "I'm alright. Little tired. How are you?".. I texted back "Pretty much the same, long day. Probably going to turn in soon".. and that was it, she didn't respond to my last text... Which again, I understand, because she's made it clear she's horrible with initiating conversations/questions/texting etc... and she more than likely fell asleep by the time I texted her. And my text didn't allow for an easy response.

 

Regardless, I feel like I got to overconfident after her texting calling me sweet etc... and jumped the gun a bit. I figure I'd give her some space, and not text her for a few days. Until then, I'm super stressed and annoyed at myself, feeling like I quite possible really screwed up my chances with her... I don't know how to relax, be ok with it and move on...

 

Any advice would be great.

[CC12]

You're overthinking things. I don't think you did anything wrong or messed up your chances. You pretty much left the ball in her court, which is not a bad thing considering her circumstances. I'd say you'd be right not to text her for a few days unless she contacts you first. Then maybe ask her out again in a week or so.

[Scribl]

Thanks for the response. That's essentially what I've been trying to tell myself for the past 5 hours or so. I'm pretty horrible when it comes to overthinking things, especially instances that involve girls/texting etc.

[veggirl]

Perhaps I'm overanalyzing but grandma died the day before your first date? Hmmm. I guess it could happen.

 

Wait a week. a solid week and then CALL her and ask her on a new date. If she doesn't accept or offer a firm alternative, then forget her.

[FitChick]

Hmmm, a lot of grannies seem to be dying recently, especially if they are related to men/women dating anyone on LoveShack. Do you think it's a plot by the Social Security Administration to cut costs?

 

Did you ever hear her voice or has it only been texting?

Edited April 7, 2012 by FitChick

[Imajerk17]

Perhaps I'm overanalyzing but grandma died the day before your first date? Hmmm. I guess it could happen.

 

Wait a week. a solid week and then CALL her and ask her on a new date. If she doesn't accept or offer a firm alternative, then forget her.

 

I agree with this. You did enough checking in for the time being. What CC12 and veggirl said about calling in a week.

 

I was thinking something along the lines of what veggirl and FitGirl said about the "grandmother passed" being a lie, but you're better off assuming that she is sincere for the time being. That would be a extremely crappy thing to lie about. If she is "quality" she is indeed telling the truth.

Edited April 7, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Scribl]

I sincerely doubt she made up the grandmother dying just to get out of a date... I'd get into specifics about what was said in various texts following her telling me about her grandmother, but I'd rather not haha. That definitely did initially go through my head, but after a little bit of communication, I pretty much truly believe it was a real/serious event.

[Imajerk17]

I sincerely doubt she made up the grandmother dying just to get out of a date... I'd get into specifics about what was said in various texts following her telling me about her grandmother, but I'd rather not haha. That definitely did initially go through my head, but after a little bit of communication, I pretty much truly believe it was a real/serious event.

 

Good. Then if you dont hear from her in the meanwhile, call her next weekend. If you get her vm tell her you are checking in to see how she is doing. Good luck!

[sid3]

Way too much texting. You feel like you may have over done it because, well.... you did. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. Like a previous poster said, the ball is in her court now.

[Scribl]

Way too much texting. You feel like you may have over done it because, well.... you did. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. Like a previous poster said, the ball is in her court now.

 

I know how it may seem like a lot.. and the last day I texted her was most definitely not needed.. but I didn't get specific with how much I texted her the last week.. It really was not a lot, barely if any texts were sent to her prior to the thursday. And she responded quite well (and fast) to any text I had sent her previously.

 

I'm really only concerned with the last day I texted her, which I admit and understand was a bit much.

[sid3]

I know how it may seem like a lot.. and the last day I texted her was most definitely not needed.. but I didn't get specific with how much I texted her the last week.. It really was not a lot, barely if any texts were sent to her prior to the thursday. And she responded quite well (and fast) to any text I had sent her previously.

 

I'm really only concerned with the last day I texted her, which I admit and understand was a bit much.

 

Good, some guys just never get it and keep texting. Hope it works out for you.

[FitChick]

Since you've never actually spoken, she could be a man for all you know. An old man.

[PhillyDude]

I sincerely doubt she made up the grandmother dying just to get out of a date... I'd get into specifics about what was said in various texts following her telling me about her grandmother, but I'd rather not haha. That definitely did initially go through my head, but after a little bit of communication, I pretty much truly believe it was a real/serious event.

 

we are talking about a woman, lol They will lie about anything to get out of a date. And since it's not normal to question a relative's death, it's a easy way out for her.

 

 

Sad

[PhillyDude]

Good. Then if you dont hear from her in the meanwhile, call her next weekend. If you get her vm tell her you are checking in to see how she is doing. Good luck!

 

If he gets her voicemail it's a DONE DEAL

[CC12]

If he gets her voicemail it's a DONE DEAL

 

I don't think you're in the best position to be giving dating advice, PhillyDude.

[PhillyDude]

I don't think you're in the best position to be giving dating advice, PhillyDude.

 

I think I have enough experience of getting REJECTED to know when someone is being blown off-lol

[CC12]

I think I have enough experience of getting REJECTED to know when someone is being blown off-lol

 

How about you come back to this thread if the OP does actually get rejected. Then you can instruct him on how to cry into his bag of Doritos while sitting home alone on a Saturday night.

[PhillyDude]

How about you come back to this thread if the OP does actually get rejected. Then you can instruct him on how to cry into his bag of Doritos while sitting home alone on a Saturday night.

 

Who said I was LONELY??? I was home enjoying my favorite snack and enjoying basketball which is two things I like doing.

 

I am now in control of how my money is pulled out of my account. No more chasing girls around asking...'are we still on?

 

It's a NEW TIME got dammit

[Scribl]

Thanks for the great advice Philly....

 

To be perfectly honest, I may have left some details out that would probably help with the "whether or not she's blowing me off" debate. But they were details I figured the average person wouldn't need to know in order to give me a relatively basic (intelligent) response. The last time we had a conversation it was really nice actually...

 

If she is lying about her grandmother (which I am quite certain she's not), I seriously doubt she would continue to text me, let alone go into great detail about her personal relationship with her grandmother and how this whole ordeal is affecting her and her father.

 

I can't predict what's going to happen, and I have no idea what she's thinking. I will, however, have a much better idea when the time comes to reconnect with her (whether it be a text or a phone call); and it's the time in between now and then that is rather stressful/hard to deal with (and is probably the underlying reason I decided to come here and post).

[PhillyDude]

Thanks for the great advice Philly....

 

To be perfectly honest, I may have left some details out that would probably help with the "whether or not she's blowing me off" debate. But they were details I figured the average person wouldn't need to know in order to give me a relatively basic (intelligent) response. The last time we had a conversation it was really nice actually...

 

If she is lying about her grandmother (which I am quite certain she's not), I seriously doubt she would continue to text me, let alone go into great detail about her personal relationship with her grandmother and how this whole ordeal is affecting her and her father.

 

I can't predict what's going to happen, and I have no idea what she's thinking. I will, however, have a much better idea when the time comes to reconnect with her (whether it be a text or a phone call); and it's the time in between now and then that is rather stressful/hard to deal with (and is probably the underlying reason I decided to come here and post).

 

I just don't put anything past a woman after so many years of dating. But I do know from experience that if you call a woman and get her voicemail then 95% of the time that means she is not interested.

 

The girls who were interested in me when I called always picked up the phone.

[Scribl]

I just don't put anything past a woman after so many years of dating. But I do know from experience that if you call a woman and get her voicemail then 95% of the time that means she is not interested.

 

The girls who were interested in me when I called always picked up the phone.

 

That's your own experience, and I'm not sure where the whole voicemail thing came into play... I have yet to reach out to her and not get a response, every single time I have texted her I have received back a text. I am very aware calling her would probably be a better way to connect with her (texting does suck - i agree), but I have based everything I have done up to this point on what I know about her and how she likes to communicate.

 

I was going to call her on Thursday, actually call her, to sort of confirm our date, but certain events transpired and it didn't work out that way.

 

If I call her and get her VM I will let you know Philly..

Edited April 8, 2012 by Scribl

[PhillyDude]

That's your own experience, and I'm not sure where the whole voicemail thing came into play... I have yet to reach out to her and not get a response, every single time I have texted her I have received back a text. I am very aware calling her would probably be a better way to connect with her (texting does suck - i agree), but I have based everything I have done up to this point on what I know about her and how she likes to communicate.

 

I was going to call her on Thursday, actually call her, to sort of confirm our date, but certain events transpired and it didn't work out that way.

 

If I call her and get her VM I will let you know Philly..

 

Yeah let me know

[GivenUp0083]

Here's what I got from your message. And I'm doing this not to be a troll or a douche, but to help you avoid the pain and confusion I've faced time after time when online dating.

 

I came on the internet to try and find some stress-relief help...

 

The internet can be a helpful tool, however when I came to sites like this one in the past, it only further caused me to be more confused and second-guess my actions and decisions even further. Doing this will only cause you more stress.

 

So a little backstory, I signed up on an online dating website a few months back. It really didn't work, at least at first, seeing as how I am a guy (and to receive back a message from a girl is quite difficult when you don't spend a lot of time on the website, and you aren't great at initiating conversations in the first place). Anyways, I sort of gave up on the site after a while, and rarely (if ever) logged on.

 

This type of experience is very very common. Women do not initiate emails often, and rarely respond. If you received 50 emails a week you wouldn't have time to respond to them all either. I realize there are many 'success stories' out there of people meeting a wife or husband online, but it's still a rare case and it should not be used as a primary source for getting dates. It will only frustrate you and lower your self-confidence.

 

About a week ago, however, I received a message from this girl. I took a look at her profile, and to my shocking surprise she was really cool...sounded super sweet, cute, very similar interests to mine etc... Great stuff. So we start talking a bit back and forth on the messaging service the website provides.

 

I can see how this could be exciting at first, but you haven't met her. You cannot read into ANYTHING that happens at this stage until you've met and spend significant time together. You will quickly realize nothing that happens before this means anything at all. Reading into it too far will only confuse you. It's like trying to predict who will win a basketball game in the first 2 minutes. It's impossible and will most likely be a rollercoaster ride.

 

It wasn't too long before we exchanged cell numbers. She seemed quite into me, texting me first, texting back fast, etc... And we set up a date to meet up (a thursday, approximately 4-5 days after we exchanged numbers). The whole week leading up to our scheduled date I was extremely anxious and nervous. Very excited to finally be meeting someone, who was seemingly really cool.

 

None of this is significant. It doesn't mean anything.

 

So the Thursday comes. I get a text at 8 am, her grandmother had passed away the day before. We text back and forth a little bit, I let her know how sorry I am and how much i completely understand and am totally fine with suspending our date. I text her back later that night (approx. 8 pm) saying "How are you doing?". She texts me back saying "Aw, :/ I'm alright. Thanks for checking in on me!" (something to that extent). I text back saying it's no problem at all, just glad to hear you're doing alright" and she responds with "That's really sweet of you..".

 

Whenever you deal with a woman in this scenario and something happens that will delay plans, put things on hold, she has something "come up" or whatever it is that breaks your date, you need to repeat these exact words: That is fine, I understand, why don't you get back to me when your schedule becomes more flexible. You put it back on her to progress, you put the ball in her court. If she breaks a date it's a really bad sign. Especially AFTER you've already met.

 

Needless to say, I was extremely relieved that I had gotten across I was much more empathetic than pissed we didn't get to meet that day. I followed her last text by saying "Just so you know, my schedule is pretty light the next few days. If you need to briefly get away from it all, don't hesitate to let me know if you want to grab a cup of coffee". She texted back "Well thank you. And I definitely will let you know. But I don't know.", i responded "Ok =], just keep in mind that's an option", she responded "Thanks" ending the conversation for the night.

 

First off, stop caring about what she thinks. I used to do this quite a bit as well, I would concern myself more about what she thought of me than what I was thinking of her. Starting putting yourself in a mindset that says "is this girl worth my time?" Not in a negative way, but in a way that makes you think about whether you want to take precious time out of your schedule to meet her, accommodate her, put effort into planning a date, and pay for her time on the date. She sounds nice, that's fine, but it's not so nice when they let you take them out 3-5 times and don't have the decency to return your call.

 

You are a catch. You are valuable. You will be a rare commodity as you age. Keep all that mind. She has to win you over too.

 

So, this brings me to tonight. I debated with myself to text her or to leave it for a day or two... and settled on texting her. "How's everything?".. it took her quite a while to respond (which isn't entirely normal, but I figure texting someone back she barely knows doesn't take precedent over grieving over a close relative). She texted back "I'm alright. Little tired. How are you?".. I texted back "Pretty much the same, long day. Probably going to turn in soon".. and that was it, she didn't respond to my last text... Which again, I understand, because she's made it clear she's horrible with initiating conversations/questions/texting etc... and she more than likely fell asleep by the time I texted her. And my text didn't allow for an easy response.

 

Again, none of all this matters. You haven't met.

 

Regardless, I feel like I got to overconfident after her texting calling me sweet etc... and jumped the gun a bit. I figure I'd give her some space, and not text her for a few days. Until then, I'm super stressed and annoyed at myself, feeling like I quite possible really screwed up my chances with her... I don't know how to relax, be ok with it and move on...

 

You did nothing wrong. This is what kind of person you are, you're kind and caring and considerate. You have to get this idea out of your head that there's a perfect way to do things that will win a woman over. We call this the "Big Lie" because some guys think if you say the perfect phrase or words to a woman you can land a date with her and earn her love. This is not true at all. If she's into you, it won't matter what you say. Why do you think there's thousands of women out there who take a beating from their husbands and never leave them? Not that you'll ever get to that point, but stop analyzing what you did and thinking you made mistakes.

 

It took me a therapist to teach me this but if this girl doesn't work out or you don't get a date with her: It speaks more about her than it does about you.

 

Any advice would be great.

 

I hope I could help.

[Scribl]

I really appreciate your post^

 

I actually started seeing a therapist about 3 1/2 months ago. In almost every area of my life that I've felt I have needed to improve on (or that I have lacked confidence in), I am gradually noticing improvments. Therapy is great.

 

Unfortunatley this whole dating thing is a "newer" area I'm less experienced with. I have had a girlfriend, and I have been on dates, but all of that took place 1-2 years prior to attending any therapy sessions.

 

It's sort of like every couple weeks I gain a new piece of armor through my participation in therapy, to put this all into an analogy. This armor helps me with stress in college, my friendships, numerous family issues, etc. Most every day I enter a relatively familiar arena, with this armor, and each day I do a little bit better (at defeating the "monsters" or what have you). I'm suddenly thrown into an arena where I'm only allowed to wear a very small portion of the armor I've allotted over the past couple months, and new - terrifying "beasts/monsters" are put up against me... I sort of do what I think is right, but at the end of the "battle", I'm left feeling completely helpless / ill-prepared (or dead i suppose) haha.

 

Anyways, my point is, I think I'm in some sort of social shock..where I've vastly improved in various areas of my life, and this dating area is one I have very slightly (if at all) focused on in the recent months. Not knowing what to do is a somewhat freaky thing when most everything else in my life is becoming much more clear/easier to deal with.

[GivenUp0083]

I really appreciate your post^

 

I actually started seeing a therapist about 3 1/2 months ago. In almost every area of my life that I've felt I have needed to improve on (or that I have lacked confidence in), I am gradually noticing improvments. Therapy is great.

 

Unfortunatley this whole dating thing is a "newer" area I'm less experienced with. I have had a girlfriend, and I have been on dates, but all of that took place 1-2 years prior to attending any therapy sessions.

 

It's sort of like every couple weeks I gain a new piece of armor through my participation in therapy, to put this all into an analogy. This armor helps me with stress in college, my friendships, numerous family issues, etc. Most every day I enter a relatively familiar arena, with this armor, and each day I do a little bit better (at defeating the "monsters" or what have you). I'm suddenly thrown into an arena where I'm only allowed to wear a very small portion of the armor I've allotted over the past couple months, and new - terrifying "beasts/monsters" are put up against me... I sort of do what I think is right, but at the end of the "battle", I'm left feeling completely helpless / ill-prepared (or dead i suppose) haha.

 

Anyways, my point is, I think I'm in some sort of social shock..where I've vastly improved in various areas of my life, and this dating area is one I have very slightly (if at all) focused on in the recent months. Not knowing what to do is a somewhat freaky thing when most everything else in my life is becoming much more clear/easier to deal with.

 

I was in the same boat as you. But my therapy sessions resulted in my decision that dating is something I don't like to do and that relationships don't make me happy. My therapy stressed the concept of "do what makes you happy".

 

I used to think having a girlfriend and getting married would make me happy. And although I'm sure it would, I just can't put up with the dating process and "searching" for the right woman. I've found there's much more to life and ways to improve your happiness and your life through other things. I can't let dating and finding a woman have any effect or control over my happiness. I can't be dependent on anyone else for that ever again.