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Need to choose between ex and new guy. Long terms future is at stake.

picklejam55

By picklejam55
in Second Chances

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picklejam55 New Member

picklejam55

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Hi guys,

First time female poster here. I am in a bit of a pickle and just need someone to talk to, and perhaps give me some wise advice.

 

About 6 months ago I broke up with Guy A who I had been together with and living with for 5 years. The reason I broke up with him was that I could tell he really wanted to settle down, and have kids and we started looking for a house to buy together. All this talk of the future made me realize I was not entirely sure I wanted to spend my future with him. My main reason was that he was quite immature in many ways (2 years younger than me), and he had a very cynical and negative world view. I felt like often complaining about things and just not a very easy going person. I didn't think I could spend the rest of my life with someone like that, especially since I consider myself to be a generally happy and positive person.

 

After the break up he is devastated and keeps chasing after me. At this point I have moved out and am really quite happy. Through friends I meet Guy B. Guy B is 8 years older (always liked older guys), and is just so sweet and adorable. We are crazy about each other and things are great for the first couple of months. I can tell Guy B is also very much ready to settle down from his comments about having children etc. So things are pretty serious.

 

Around this point Guy A stops chasing me. He seems to finally be over the relationship and even starts dating other girls. I know this is very basic reverse psychology but suddenly the thought of him no longer being in my life scares the *** out of me. I realize I still have some things I need to think about and am contemplating getting back together with Guy A. Having talked to him, he says that he was been working a lot on improving himself and he realized many of the mistakes he made in our relationship. I know he might just be saying that but from recent examples of his behaviour he does seem to have changed a lot for the better, and to have become almost like a different person.

 

For now I have taken a break from both of them. I told Guy B I still have feelings for Guy A, and I told Guy A I would like to be back together with him but I need time to think.

 

As an additional point of information I know Guy A can easily find a new girlfriend and have the family he always dreamed of. On the other hand Guy B being older, and a bit more introverted probably has a much slimmer chance.

 

I know I probably sound a bit ridiculous but I just need some advice from an objective viewpoint. Thanks for reading/listening.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
wilsonx Established Member

wilsonx

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What are you doing to solve your issues?

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Yes, I agree... i don't think these guys are your issue - i think your issue is to work out what it is YOU want....

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darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

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who is better around the housework 50/50 split? none of this "I'll try but it's difficult" stuff. who doesn't drink much at home? none? marriage material needs an assessment based on day-to-day team-work bonding. who could you live with? the bore? better known as the plodder, reliable which i would personally look at first or the one that can handle a mortgage

 

aged 28 i got all - all - my proposals (had no kids by an ex and all that note some men not mad about them) but was single and went out alot and wanted freedom - but lately husbands don't grow on trees here, not like then, boyfs but not future-planning child-wanting hopefuls - marriage material

my two cents anyway

Edited by darkmoon
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Honestly I think the only reason you want Guy A back now is because he has moved on. It is the classic want what you can't have syndrome. Who is to say you won't fall out of love again if he does go back to you?

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Phanpooh Established Member

Phanpooh

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:) your story is amazing XD just like my story but is in different view...

my rela is 2y, she is older, also LDR and she asked me to leave her alone, she gave a guy B a chance and throw me to trash, she ignored me ( best thing for me ) and yeah, i may a Guy A in your story....

in fact, i think you need to take a long break to find what you r really want or who you r... the problem isn't about guy A or guy B, there isn't who is better or worse, it's about you, so i think i could give an advise, take a long break, and bla bla bla refocus to yourself, new guy or ex is just a person, you dun hav to CHOOSE between them... and why you think you could do it? if someday, 1 of one MIGHT leave you... cause if you truly love B, you won't take a break. if you loved A, you won't let him go. if you take B, he might leave you again. if you take A, he might too....

let them show you how much you mean for them and also, take care of yourself...

i dun know what will you do for the best but it's interesting to talk with you ^^ just like to talk with my ex :p

jennisfora Established Member

jennisfora

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be single for awhile, and eventually guy c will appear and be the winner.

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wilsonx Established Member

wilsonx

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Honestly I think the only reason you want Guy A back now is because he has moved on. It is the classic want what you can't have syndrome. Who is to say you won't fall out of love again if he does go back to you?

 

You're right about guy A but for the wrong reasons. You're comparing apples to oranges, she wants security. 5 years with guy A is security that trumps emotional in love with guy B. This is what she is asking herself to figure out.

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Phanpooh Established Member

Phanpooh

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Wilson is right, that why i told her to be single for awhile and let see what happen. In other hand, give herself a chance to see who she really love and who truly love her or who could give her what she want.

I hope she could live her own life by herself, then a or b is just an opt make her life more beautiful...

EgoJoe Established Member

EgoJoe

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If you have to decide between then you don't deserve either of them.

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Nohbody Established Member

Nohbody

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If there were less cold calculation here, I'd be moved to offer advice.

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picklejam55 New Member

picklejam55

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You're right about guy A but for the wrong reasons. You're comparing apples to oranges, she wants security. 5 years with guy A is security that trumps emotional in love with guy B. This is what she is asking herself to figure out.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one Wilson. I think guy A gives me a security and familiarity (that you get with sharing a life with someone for 5 years) whereas guy B is more of an emotional love but with the added unfamilriaty and inherent risk.

 

I have no problem taking time to be single, and this is what it looks like I must do. I am happy in my own company and am not the kind of person that needs to be in a relationship just for the sake of it and to not be lonely. My problem is that no matter how much time I take I think I will never come to a conclusion. In the meantime, even if I tell both people to move on I think guy B will still wait around (which is cruel). Guy A will probably move on, and then I will have lost him forever.

I was hoping for more kind of tips about how people can choose, from people who might have been in a similar situation in the past? They just both seem so great.

wilsonx Established Member

wilsonx

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hahaha, I laugh because you already know the outcomes to both Guy A and Guy B... and if guy A is long gone, you will be searching for Guy C

Follower Established Member

Follower

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I think there is a far simplier way to consider all this...

 

Ask a magic 8 ball, because frankly thats the only kind of answer you are looking for, we cannot tell you which one you should choose if any, and without knowing truely how you feel about either how can we make any form of informed judgement to assist?

 

You need to decide if this emotional attachment is lust or love, and you need to decide if you love guy a or not...

 

If Guy A has changed which it sounds like he has, i think you need to ask yourself if parts of his old self creep back, can you live with that and still be happy?

 

Hope iv helped, doubt i have tho!

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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I vote you stay with Guy B. You gave Guy A 5 years of your life. That was more than enough time to find out he's a negative person. That really isn't going to change. That's his outlook on life. He may try to change in order to win you back, but it won't last. Eventually, his real personality, the one you've come to know so well over five year's time, will resurface. That's really no good place to be. Guys like that--the negative pessimistic ones, will suck the joy out of life the longer you are with them. I suggest you stay with Guy B. You gave the other guy more than enough chance. This temporary change is not likely to last.

EgoJoe Established Member

EgoJoe

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I vote you stay with Guy B. You gave Guy A 5 years of your life. That was more than enough time to find out he's a negative person. That really isn't going to change. That's his outlook on life. He may try to change in order to win you back, but it won't last. Eventually, his real personality, the one you've come to know so well over five year's time, will resurface. That's really no good place to be. Guys like that--the negative pessimistic ones, will suck the joy out of life the longer you are with them. I suggest you stay with Guy B. You gave the other guy more than enough chance. This temporary change is not likely to last.

 

 

I disagree with this but not just for the sake of Guy A, people can and do change sometimes the change was there the whole time, waiting for a catalyst.

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