devilmaycare Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I don't know if anyone has seen the film which is the title of this post, but often I feel like the ex-wife in this movie. Only I'm not the ex, just yet. In the film, a wife leaves her husband who has OCD and Tourette's because she just can't cope anymore. The man then deals with his own diagnosis and salvation. I love my husband, but my marriage exhausts me. He does not have Tourette's or OCD, but our therapist thinks possibly adult ADHD. He also smokes pot and drinks regularly. He is a kind man, a good man. I cannot have a rational conversation with him though and every conversation we now have turns into a fight. Our therapist is working with him on his pot addiction but wants to "build one wall up" before "breaking another down." This is due to his inability to cope with normal daily activities. We have a great therapist, and I do believe he will get the help he needs. I have posted here before. I lost my mother last year, and I now feel I am completely up to my eyeballs and at a total loss financially due to everything we've been through in the past year. I just no longer feel capable of "helping" my husband, or frankly, even dealing with him. I am at the point where I may have to leave the region for work again, and in order to support myself, and I am ready to give in. Therapy IS helpful, but all the emotions coming up for him since we started overwhelms me, and I feel my ability to cope also slipping. Has anyone been in this position and found therapy helpful? Has anyone tried a separation during therapy? I almost feel like we do need to work on our individual selves now, before we can be together. I am so tempted to do this to take the time I need for myself but still try to save my marriage. I lived without my husband for 2 months, from Sept-Nov, and have to say, I was joyous. I never fretted or worried. I took better care of myself. It is just so much HARDER when I am with him. Thanks in advance for your reading and response.
Mr Scorpio Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 First off, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a troublesome period. Financial troubles on-top of maritial issues is not a pleasant situation. That being said, do the two of you have children? I would think whether or not you have children dictates what your best options are. Moreover, I'm wondering what you think the source of his problems might be? I ask because my ex both had ADHD and enjoyed smoking pot often, and in the 2.5 years we were together we had not a single fight. She took meds for the ADHD, but only when she needed to focus on something (ie -- grad school).
cherries1 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Posts like this make me think my "teen troubles" are really insignificant. I am sorry that you have such a difficult situation. I always support people into finding their own happiness, and if the time you were alone you felt so joyous I guess the best for you would be to get out and not having to mother your partner...
Author devilmaycare Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 To Mr. Scorpio, No, no kids. Sometimes I feel my spouse is my kid: I protect him, as much as I can, from other's hurtful comments. He claims he was intensely bullied as a kid. We are working through this with a counselor, but again, some days better, some days worse. A lot of people do not understand why I stay with someone who can be belittling and condescending. He is ill, I know this much. The diagnosis is not for certain ADHD, he also shows signs of Asperger's. Others have mentioned bipolar. He is clever, and he can show the therapist whatever traits he cares to. But there is no definitive answer yet. I know my truth and the fact is that one day I will have to make a decision unless he gets better. I wonder about the "in sickness and in health" when it comes to mental illness: I do end up sacrificing more of myself to work with him every day. And I do know he is ill. Despite my familiarity with behavioral science, I am not an expert in this field, nor do I purport to be. He does throw "tantrums": if he doesn't get his way he throws things and pounds his feet on the floor. He does not attempt to hurt me...it is only like a 3 year old who cannot have his way. There are only one of two options here, and I fear them both.
Author devilmaycare Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 And thanks to Cherries. Admittedly I have been a tad reminiscent of my teen romances. They are not insignificant, anything but. Just enjoy as much as you can.
wow04 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I don't understand the whole ADHD problem and relationships. I have adult ADHD and it doesn't give me an excuse to smoke pot and belittle people. I think people use it as an excuse to do those things. I have gone through therapy for all of it. You only get what you want to get out of therapy. What I am saying is if he isn't serious about it, it won't help. You have to take care of yourself, not him. He is an adult. Why not go to individual therapy and couple therapy? You have to decide, without a doubt, if you want to save this relationship or not.
Author devilmaycare Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 @ Wow-- this is true. We are all adults. We all also have "reasons" for our behavior. If leaving him was easy--trust me, I would've done it years ago. I think that is why anyone posts here-- to find familiarity. I do not know if it is ADHD or not--what I do know is that he has something that I (not a professional) cannot diagnose. But it is hard for us. I want him to get the help he needs--and have finally pushed for it more than anyone else in his life has attempted. Everyone tells me I am "doing the right thing," yet when it comes to truly being there for ME, it is "not enough" or "try harder". I am tired of being the strong one. I have been through way too much in the past few years. I would like help. Counseling does encourage me. I feel stronger doing it. But it is never black-and-white. We are now financially reliant on his parents due to the fact my mother had no legacy and my father is not well off. I wish this was not the case, but I cannot change the circumstances. Only my reaction to it. Just writing this out and knowing that others are there helps. Thanks.
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