How to forgive yourself...

[Mr Scorpio]

So earlier today I had my first "breakdown" in a year and a half. As a guy, I consider any episode of crying not motivated by being hit in the nose or a movie to be a breakdown. I feel overwhelmed with guilt. I feel that I deserve the misery I'm experiencing -- but I don't want to experience it.

 

To try to make a long-story short. I grew up with depression and I am still melancholy and very self-critical. When I was 23, my mother passed away from a sudden heart-attack. As my parents were divorced, I was the sole heir and I received her 401k and savings. I'm too embarrassed to say exactly how much money I received, but it was a lot. Enough to buy a house, travel the world, start a business, you name it.

 

Over the next 5 years, I blew through the vast majority of it. Some of it I spent on therapy following the loss of my mother, some of it I spent on paying off college tuition. I bought a new (used) car, some clothes, some presents for my friends and family. The rest? A whirlwind of stupidity that I cannot even exactly place my finger on -- rent payments, concerts, drugs, more drugs, late nights at bars, food, utilities, credit card payments.

 

Eventually, I got dumped (separate story) and finally stopped spending so wastefully. Now, I have 15% of it left -- and I can't for the life of me fathom how the **** I spent as much as I did!

 

Increasingly, I'm hating myself for what I did. It isn't even as though I made one mistake -- I made a thousand conscious and idiotic choices. I'm a 32 year old with more debt than savings who makes $1,000 a month. My life could have been so much more. I can't see how I can ever forgive myself for what I did.

 

Has anyone ever faced anything remotely similar to this? Does anyone have any advice how I can not beat myself up constantly to the point that my head is spinning as though I got dumped?

[TripLine]

I grew up poor, jobless, and didn't get my first cell until I hit 18. I knew how to use money and save money.

 

I guess you were overwhelmed with the amount of money you got and did not know what to do with it. It is a shame since you are in your 30s and didn't know any better.

 

I would throw a pity party, but then that would be unrealistic. I hope you at least bought a house.

[fucpcg]

YES. You need to remember this "The only mistakes you make in life are the ones you do not learn from"

 

Built my first business starting age 23. I was making anywhere from 250-500k a year depending on market conditions for my business. I didn't piss away my business, I partnered with the wrong people, and our opportunity to make absolutely millions turned into lawsuit, lost opportunity, and the end of the good days. I've been able to live comfortable since all this, but definitely without the piss off money I used to have. I'd blow $10,000 on a 5 day trip to Vegas with the girlfriend, now I watch were a $20 bill goes. If you look at what I spent just on partying with friends, clothes, cars, toys, etc, it would be enough to retire on. Do I regret it? No, not really. I got to do things in my 20's and 30's that most people never get to experience. Could I have been wiser with my money? Totally. And while I do still have the potential to build a big business, it won't be what I used to make though good money, and I know that if it happens this money will go into intelligent choices. I have lived, and I have learned. The most valuable lesson I have probably learned from all this, is that quality of life never improved with all that money. It was great before the money, and it was mostly the same after. Sure I could fly off to Vegas whenever, but I would never trade another Vegas trip over quality time with the girlfriend and kids at home. The best things in life are free, and you definitely learn that when you've had big money.

 

I will be 42 this month, and I am 110% refocused on rebuilding. Time for you to do the same. You said you have some money in savings, live completely in your means and look for a business opportunity that you can start with what you have left. I am convinced I will rebuild, as I believe I am one of the most tenacious people I have ever met. If you do the same, you will be doing some character building that will make you a better life and a better person. Feel free to PM me anytime to chat more.

[Mr Scorpio]

I will be 42 this month, and I am 110% refocused on rebuilding. Time for you to do the same. You said you have some money in savings, live completely in your means and look for a business opportunity that you can start with what you have left. I am convinced I will rebuild, as I believe I am one of the most tenacious people I have ever met. If you do the same, you will be doing some character building that will make you a better life and a better person. Feel free to PM me anytime to chat more.

 

I am attempting to. After I got shocked back into reality I went back to school to get a 2nd degree (well a certificate actually), but given the economy? I can't even land a $10 per hour desk job. Now I'm in law-school and I fear that when I get done here nothing will be different.

 

I guess that fear is what brought this panic out in me. I've been told flat out that I shouldn't expect to find a job after I graduate. Shackled with debt and full of regret. Not looking forward to it.

[oldguy]

YES. You need to remember this "The only mistakes you make in life are the ones you do not learn from"

 

Built my first business starting age 23. I was making anywhere from 250-500k a year depending on market conditions for my business. I didn't piss away my business, I partnered with the wrong people, and our opportunity to make absolutely millions turned into lawsuit, lost opportunity, and the end of the good days. I've been able to live comfortable since all this, but definitely without the piss off money I used to have. I'd blow $10,000 on a 5 day trip to Vegas with the girlfriend, now I watch were a $20 bill goes. If you look at what I spent just on partying with friends, clothes, cars, toys, etc, it would be enough to retire on. Do I regret it? No, not really. I got to do things in my 20's and 30's that most people never get to experience. Could I have been wiser with my money? Totally. And while I do still have the potential to build a big business, it won't be what I used to make though good money, and I know that if it happens this money will go into intelligent choices. I have lived, and I have learned. The most valuable lesson I have probably learned from all this, is that quality of life never improved with all that money. It was great before the money, and it was mostly the same after. Sure I could fly off to Vegas whenever, but I would never trade another Vegas trip over quality time with the girlfriend and kids at home. The best things in life are free, and you definitely learn that when you've had big money.

 

I will be 42 this month, and I am 110% refocused on rebuilding. Time for you to do the same. You said you have some money in savings, live completely in your means and look for a business opportunity that you can start with what you have left. I am convinced I will rebuild, as I believe I am one of the most tenacious people I have ever met. If you do the same, you will be doing some character building that will make you a better life and a better person. Feel free to PM me anytime to chat more.

 

Mr Scorpio; I couldn't agree more with this post. I've blown a shameless amount of money over time. But as fcpcg said; "The only mistakes you make in life are the ones you do not learn from". To add to that, some people spend a lot of money on college tuition but we all spend some on life tuition.

 

I don't know what your financial situation is but I would pay off my dept beginning with the highest interest debts first until I had payed them all off. If possible I would probably take that 15% remaining and invest it in a long term retirement plan. It's not just a good idea but a symbolic tribute to mom.

[fucpcg]

Everything I have accomplished, I shouldn't have been able to accomplish. I attribute that to tenacity, lack of fear, and drive. When I started my first business I use to chase deals that I didn't have the money to close, but thought well you know what, try to make the deal happen, see if there is a way around paying for it, and if it all blows up in my face whatever, if I didn't try I didn't have the deal either. Following this approach, I took $2,500 and did over one million in sales my first years.

 

If you are defeated before you enter the ring, you will most certainly be defeated in the fight. I always enter the ring as if I am going to beat this guy (life) no matter what. I take punches, I get knocked down, I get the crap beaten out of me, but I always get back up and start swinging. The fight is never open till you drop to the mat and CHOOSE to stay there and not get back up.

[Mr Scorpio]

I don't know what your financial situation is but I would pay off my dept beginning with the highest interest debts first until I had payed them all off. If possible I would probably take that 15% remaining and invest it in a long term retirement plan. It's not just a good idea but a symbolic tribute to mom.

 

At present I make about $800 a month from working three part-time jobs while attending lawschool on weekends. So, I'm really in no position to start paying down the debt. Maybe in three years if I am lucky enough to get a job when I finish.

 

If you are defeated before you enter the ring, you will most certainly be defeated in the fight. I always enter the ring as if I am going to beat this guy (life) no matter what. I take punches, I get knocked down, I get the crap beaten out of me, but I always get back up and start swinging. The fight is never open till you drop to the mat and CHOOSE to stay there and not get back up.

 

That is exactly the sort of message I need to hear, and I appreciate you posting it. Given that I'm in school I wouldn't say I've chosen to stay down and get back up.

 

I'm just so frustrated and angry at myself. It feels like my entire life is on hold and I have no one to blame but myself. I want to work and apply myself, but no employer has given me a break.

 

Without a career I feel so little self-worth, and it kills me knowing that had I been even a little bit smarter I could have invested in rental property, in a small-business, etc and lived a dream-life with my ex.

 

Of course, on the other hand I should be grateful that I had the experiences that I did, that I wasn't born in a third-world country and forced into slavery. Realizing that makes me feel guilty which compounds my frustration.

 

At any rate, thank you for replying. Venting on here is one of the few study breaks I give myself.

[RiverRunning]

There are several things I think you need to address: you experienced a traumatic event and suddenly found yourself with lots of money when you were still rather young. Think of most lottery winners: most of them have blown all of it and are in more debt than they were before they won only 5 years after hitting the jackpot. Why? A lot of people who find themselves suddenly wealthy don't have the know-how or the resources to properly manage it. Maybe after a life of saving and struggling, they go at it all at once, feeling the adrenaline rush of new purchases that were formerly denied to them. By the time they realize what's happened, it's too late.

 

Realize that you are only human and these circumstances were unique.

 

Everyone here on LS has some kind of major regret in their lives. I am spending hundreds of dollars every month to pay off my bachelor's degree. I'm a few years out of college and while I had a few interviews, I never had a 'legitimate' job. I just get a string of temporary or freelance jobs that I survive on. I have classmates who went into very employable fields who now own their own homes, have big, pricy new cars. Some of the vainest even post pictures of their savings accounts for everyone to see! They have savings accounts with more money than I make in an entire year!

 

The point is: you can sit back and regret your actions and think about what you could have done, but hindsight is all 20/20. Had you consciously realized that someday you might regret your choices, or that you would squander a large pile of money, I'm sure you would not have made the decisions that you made. But I suspect at the time they seemed like the RIGHT decisions or the best decisions to get you to where you needed to go at the time.

 

You are now 32 with some of that money left. While you're in law school, MAKE CONTACTS WITH AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. Seek out internships. Consider trying to become a paralegal (I know some employers will hire those with bachelor's degrees; that you have a background in law will only help you). Network, network, network and you can make this a success. Go to the courts every now and then and mingle with the people who work down there. Try to rub elbows with local judges and magistrates.

 

You have the power to do the very best you can do now. Don't allow yourself to get to 35 or 40 still dwelling on the same destructive thoughts. Those thoughts will only help ensure that your 30s are even less successful than your 20s were.

[betterdeal]

When asked how he spent his millions, George Best, international football player, said "On booze and women: The rest I wasted." Bit of an extreme example of glass half full, and said tongue in cheek, but demonstrates that life is what you make of it, including whether or not you buy into anyone else's idea of how you "should" have behaved.

 

As for how to forgive yourself, think of it this way: the only way to make sure you don't do the same sort of things again is to forgive yourself. Not forget, just learn and forgive yourself. Make the next 4 or 5 decades of your life the best ones, and share them.

[daphne]

What's done is done. You can still turn things around. You may never accumulate whatever wealth your mother left you again, but you can be comfortable and happy. My sister went through the same thing very early, and lived with our mother who didn't teach her a thing about wisely managing money. She received an inheritance and blew threw it in 4-5 years I believe. Now, she lives with her father (not mine.) My father raised me to be very fiscally conservative. I worked really hard and now things are pretty easy but it wasn't easy getting here.

 

That being said, I have no idea if I had the money I have now in my early 20's if I wouldn't have run through it like you did. Even with my father's wise advice on saving and eating salad today for steak tomorrow. I thank God that I wasn't put in the position to find out.

[whichwayisup]

Invest what you have left. And forget about it.

 

Look, it was your money and at times you weren't thinking. It's not the end of the world.. You DID enjoy life - Partying and going to concerts. You also spent money on family and friends, that's a good thing. And you got counseling, so that's also a good thing. sorry for your loss, losing a parent isn't easy.. At any age.

 

It's okay to have a breakdown once in a while..Life can be shi.tty at times and letting yourself 'feel and go through' whatever it is you need to go through will only make you stronger and wiser once the blah's have lifted.

 

Hope this helps.

[Mr Scorpio]

Thank you for the replies everyone. It helped to offer some perspective on things going forward. I'm still experiencing some physical symptoms (lack of appetite/lack of sleep), but I guess that has more to do with my present and future than my past,