eleanorhurting Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I couldn't agree more. I don't understand... There are consequences to our choices, actions and "mistakes". However if someone makes those "mistakes" 5 years ago or when they were 16, I am now the one with the problem and not them? So if I get that right, you (and you will instruct your own kids one day) and you would advise anyone (even a 21 year old kid) to get involved with, date and pursue someone who has made one or more of the following "mistakes"? Kid(s), felonies, drug and alcohol addictions, dropped out of school, no career of job skills to speak of, etc. Thanks but no thanks. At 21, I think me not wanting to deal with any of those "mistakes" is using wise judgement and not being shallow. I would advise them not to let that stop them from getting to know the person and giving them a chance. I can see how at 21 having to deal with kids can be difficult so I understand that can be a dealbreaker because of the having to deal with something that maybe you were not planning on dealing with at your age. What I do not agree with is dismissing someone because they had a kid when they were 16 and were irresponsible as a teen. For example if I were to now meet someone who had a kid when they were 16 and they have their life together now, I would not dismiss them simply because they made a mistake 9 years ago.
veggirl Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I agree with your dealbreakers. I don't date guys who with kids or guys who are close with exes. I am nearly 29 and this hasn't so far limited my pool to the point that I've noticed... I figure when I'm maybe 35ish if I am single, I will prob need to re-evaluate the no kids thing. But for now, not a chance. I wouldn't date a guy who is divorced either. Again, could re-evaluate in the future but at this point its a dealbreaker.
Imajerk17 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 You may have whatever deal-breakers you desire (i.e., having those dealbreakers doesn't make you a "b*tch"), and the two you listed actually sound reasonably smart. Your not getting back to the guy with the close ex isn't too cool though.
threebyfate Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 You're allowed to have preferences and dealbreakers. Though I agree that ignoring someone like that was rude. As long you also accept that your preferenes and dealbreakers make your dating pool smaller, then I think you can go right ahead and carry on as you were. It's when you have a long list of dealbreakers and preferences and then complain about not being able to find someone that it becomes a little unreasonable, but then you would only be deluding yourself because the situation is self-inflicted.Couldn't agree with this more, even though if my marriage were to end (which I doubt but nothing's ever guaranteed in life), this would be two divorces under my belt, where I'd fall categorically as a mother of two (one here and another in the oven) and are still in contact with a number of exes. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to raise someone else's children. Based on the sheer number of crappy parents, not only would you have to raise them, you'd probably need to fix them and with the mother still in the picture, you're asking for drama. I don't blame single people for not wanting to take on the task of a preconstructed family. It most certainly wasn't something I was prepared to take on as a single or divorced childless woman.
Author irin Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 I think you are entitled to your deal breakers but I think that not dating someone because they were irresponsible in their teens is pretty shallow. People make mistakes and people grow from them. I mean seriously who I was when I was 16 and I am now at 25 is so different. If you do not want kids like someone else said then that is fine but writing off someone because they made a mistake 5 years ago and were irresponsible when they were 16 ... well... that kind of attitude would be a deal breaker for me! i am all for learning from mistakes, but labelling an innocent child, a life, a human being a mistake is so disgusting to me. when your being irresponsible and the consequences of you actions only affect you thats fine, but when it results in a innocent child being born to two irresponsible parents. thats is so off-putting to me! if that makes me shallow then so be it! 1
Professor X Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I would advise them not to let that stop them from getting to know the person and giving them a chance. I can see how at 21 having to deal with kids can be difficult so I understand that can be a dealbreaker because of the having to deal with something that maybe you were not planning on dealing with at your age. What I do not agree with is dismissing someone because they had a kid when they were 16 and were irresponsible as a teen. For example if I were to now meet someone who had a kid when they were 16 and they have their life together now, I would not dismiss them simply because they made a mistake 9 years ago. Since when is a kid a mistake ?
ponsettia Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 are these normal deal breakers for anyone else? Define "normal" I've been tutted at for not wanting to date: a heavy smoker a heavy drinker a guy who was 15 years older than me (when I was in my early 20s) a guy who's 20 years younger than me (now I'm in my 40s) a guy who I suspect is into drugs (heroin, I'd say) a guy who just plain gave me the creeps (dude, did you bath in that cheap aftershave?!) These are deal breakers for me, YMMV If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone because there's something about you that's telling you nuh uh, then follow your gut instinct, but don't be surprised if someone tries to tell you, you're making a big mistake, there's always someone who will disagree with your decision! Like in my above examples, some people thought I was a dead loss for not wanting to date those men!
kaylan Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) Very normal deal breakers OP. Dating someone with kids can be very challenging and exhaustive. Id rather have the care free spontaneity you can get from someone who doesnt have such a 24/7 responsibility. Plus plenty of people want their own families, so thats why most young people prefer a childless partner. Id say its a fine deal breaker while you are young since most people our age dont have kids yet, so its not unreasonable at all. Regarding the ex thing: I think thats an ok deal breaker to. I dont deal with chicks who stay in friendships with their exes. Thats asking for drama and Ive seen it way too many times and have experienced it myself. If anything they should only be "hi and bye" acquaintances or talk to each other every now and then. Great friends who hang out together a lot? Im not going for that. A lot of times those friendships exist because either one or both of the people havent completely moved on from their feelings. I want a drama free partner...so no kids and exes. Kthanxbai Edited April 7, 2012 by kaylan
eleanorhurting Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Since when is a kid a mistake ? I don't think it is a mistake at all. But some people seem to think so. I would date someone if they were right for me if they had a kid and they have their act together.
EasyHeart Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Since when is a kid a mistake ?I dunno, but my mom always calls me on my birthday to remind me that I was a mistake.
fucpcg Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Since when is a kid a mistake ? When you have them at the wrong time, or just have no business having them period. My parents should NEVER have had a kid, let alone 8.
Professor X Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 (edited) When you have them at the wrong time, or just have no business having them period. My parents should NEVER have had a kid, let alone 8. Than use protection, in which they didn't so they were just being irresponsible, but made a conscious decision nonetheless. Edited April 8, 2012 by Professor X
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