irin Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 i once rejected a guy for having a child, he thought i was being unreasonable and children are lovable, and i shouldn't have a problem with him being a father! but honestly at my age hearing about kids usually just means someone was irresponsible in their teenage years. and recent a guy had been pursuing me for a while and i kinda responded and flirted back, but then i met his ex-gf, he said they were great friends she seemed nice, but i just lost interest in him straight away, it was weird meeting someone's ex before even been on a first date with them. i just been ignoring him and the other day he said that ive become stuck up, because i stopped talking to him. i never said why, because i cant tell him i lost interest because you hang out with ex! are these normal deal breakers for anyone else?
marsha80 Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 I think you're fine. You do what is comfortable for you. Don't measure yourself against anyone else's standards. 1
wwwjd Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 I think so. Easily. But I would say, "I'm just not comfortable with you hanging around your EX." I think honesty can hurt and help at the same time sometimes. I won't date women with children. And I never mess with people realtionships EVER if there is some kind of confused connection. To me, that is OPP
darkmoon Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 no OP you have standards and/or a healthy cynical streak 1
DjinnAgain Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 i once rejected a guy for having a child, he thought i was being unreasonable and children are lovable, and i shouldn't have a problem with him being a father! but honestly at my age hearing about kids usually just means someone was irresponsible in their teenage years. and recent a guy had been pursuing me for a while and i kinda responded and flirted back, but then i met his ex-gf, he said they were great friends she seemed nice, but i just lost interest in him straight away, it was weird meeting someone's ex before even been on a first date with them. i just been ignoring him and the other day he said that ive become stuck up, because i stopped talking to him. i never said why, because i cant tell him i lost interest because you hang out with ex! are these normal deal breakers for anyone else? Not deal breakers for me, but my feeling on deal breakers is: if they aren't such that they are leaving you completely alone and whining about it, and it's something you know isn't right for yourself, why would it mean something negative about you? Date the ones that work well. I could care less if a particular person doesn't want to date me. It means we are incompatible, not that I or they are lesser people. Better to come straight off then trying to force something you know will be an issue. (The exception exists only because somebody with a list that is ridiculously high and they have been single for years and whining clearly need to deal with themselves before they even consider who they should or should not date.)
NeverDated Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Not unreasonable. My rule after my XH was "you take me as you find me." If someone doesn't like something/wants something changed that is a deal breaker, they should walk. People too often assume the other person in the relationship is a Mr Potato Head doll, or some kind of person buffet, that can be changed, picked and chosen at will. 2
Author irin Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 But I would say, "I'm just not comfortable with you hanging around your EX." I think honesty can hurt and help at the same time sometimes. i am usually straight forward an honest with people, it just sounds a bit strange telling someone your not okay with them hanging around whoever they wish especially when your just talking. but honest i could never handle been with someone who stays in touch with people from his past, i wouldn't understand either because i really dont have any exes. so i would not be okay with!
Lauriebell82 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Those are both dealbreakers for me as well! I think you are perfectly fine, it's good to know what you do and don't want in a relationship..definately avoids future problems/complications. I think you should tell the guy that it bothers you he hangs out with his ex gf. Why do you feel you can't tell him? Even though he may get upset or angry, it's possible that hearing the feedback may help him realize that this could affect future relationships.
FitChick Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 He probably asks for his ex's opinion on a woman before he dates her. I predict he will be single for a long time. I don't date men with dependent children.
fucpcg Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I think ignoring someone is the height of rudeness. If not interested, just say it. If you don't want to be around kids, THANK GOD you are honest about it. I am more than happy to date a woman with kids since my later 30's, and I have always loved kids, just didn't want to be grounded by them before I was ready. As far as being friendly with and ex, I have TOTAL RESPECT for women that are civil with their ex's, and not much for a woman who all she can talk about is how all of her ex's are *******s. If that's all you dated, then there must be something wrong with you as well. So besides the just be direct and tell someone if not interested advice, my other bit would be to view people who are friendly with ex's differently. Now if he's IN LOVE with his ex.... different story. 2
dasein Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Wouldn't call you a bitch, but those are superficial dealbreakers, especially the second one.
gibson Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) I don't date women that are divorced, women with kids and I also don't date women that have an Ex-BF who I have to meet and they refer to as "great" friends. 1. I have never been divorced. 2. I don't have kids and I have zero interest in instant family. 3. If someone has an Ex that hangs around and they have to define it with "good" friends or "just" friends... That means they are only "friends" for the moment. Me, I only have friends. 4. I have no issues meeting women where I have to deal with 1, 2 or 3. 5. If anyone thinks I'm superficial or doesn't like my dealbreakers... That's their problem. Edited April 7, 2012 by gibson 3
carhill Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 The older you get the more of a 'past' people have. Up to you how you prioritize that. I would say if you have no problems dating or having healthy relationships, your dealbreakers are healthy for you. 1
january2011 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 You're allowed to have preferences and dealbreakers. Though I agree that ignoring someone like that was rude. As long you also accept that your preferenes and dealbreakers make your dating pool smaller, then I think you can go right ahead and carry on as you were. It's when you have a long list of dealbreakers and preferences and then complain about not being able to find someone that it becomes a little unreasonable, but then you would only be deluding yourself because the situation is self-inflicted. 2
dsw31 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) No,you're definitely not a bitch! I agree with your deal breakers & have a few more to add... No tattoos in visible places (I know I'll get alot of backlash on this one) Just not for me.Plus- I'm thinking more these days financial stability so, being all tattooed up greatly decreases the chance of that No guy who dates way younger girls (I assume he likes women who are easily manipulated) NO guy that talks in slang No guy without a car Sorry but, I am 31 & know what I want.That probably makes me a bitch but, in the long run, it works for me Edited April 7, 2012 by dsw31
Teal Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) I do think that it was unreasonable to write him off as someone who was probably "just an irresponsible teen" before looking into why he had that child (divorce does happen and birth control can fail), and whether or not you were expected to be any kind of replacement mom. Not wanting to have an eventual home life that comes with children at all is one thing, but this sounds different. Edited April 7, 2012 by Teal 1
EasyHeart Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Anyone can have whatever dealbreakers they want to have. There is no Dealbraker Police that tell you what you are allowed to want in a partner. BUT: the pickier you are about who you date, the less reason you have to complain about not being able to find a suitable partner. I know people who complain that they can't meet any acceptable dating partners, but they have a list of 57 requirements that a partner must have, including height, hair color, occupation and square footage of their home. If you have a long list of dealbreakers and complain that you can't find any "good" dating partners, then maybe you need to re-examine your list. 1
Author irin Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 I think ignoring someone is the height of rudeness. If not interested, just say it. If you don't want to be around kids, THANK GOD you are honest about it. I am more than happy to date a woman with kids since my later 30's, and I have always loved kids, just didn't want to be grounded by them before I was ready. As far as being friendly with and ex, I have TOTAL RESPECT for women that are civil with their ex's, and not much for a woman who all she can talk about is how all of her ex's are *******s. If that's all you dated, then there must be something wrong with you as well. So besides the just be direct and tell someone if not interested advice, my other bit would be to view people who are friendly with ex's differently. Now if he's IN LOVE with his ex.... different story. i didnt just completely ignore him out of the blue. i still say hi, bye but minimum communications, i said i wanted to stop leading him on, he just didnt like that i all of a sudden lost interest with out any explanation. theres a difference between being civil and respectful towards and ex and hanging out everyday with them. its awkward for me!
Author irin Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 I do think that it was unreasonable to write him off as someone who was probably "just an irresponsible teen" before looking into why he had that child (divorce does happen and birth control can fail), and whether or not you were expected to be any kind of replacement mom. Not wanting to have an eventual home life that comes with children at all is one thing, but this sounds different. at 21 years old a guy with a 5 year old child is exactly that. he isnt divorced, and he was never in a relationship with the mother! 1
Author irin Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Wouldn't call you a bitch, but those are superficial dealbreakers, especially the second one. excuse me at least i dont have any shallow, materialistic requirement like so many people. as for the second one we are at uni/college, when somebody is a part of your group your hanging with all the time, and hanging out with his ex was just awkward for me!
eleanorhurting Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 at 21 years old a guy with a 5 year old child is exactly that. he isnt divorced, and he was never in a relationship with the mother! I think you are entitled to your deal breakers but I think that not dating someone because they were irresponsible in their teens is pretty shallow. People make mistakes and people grow from them. I mean seriously who I was when I was 16 and I am now at 25 is so different. If you do not want kids like someone else said then that is fine but writing off someone because they made a mistake 5 years ago and were irresponsible when they were 16 ... well... that kind of attitude would be a deal breaker for me!
Greekman Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I find most deal breakers fairly silly (putting aside abuse, etc). I see so many friends ignore their own set in stone deal breakers that it's laughable. Most DB's are pretty shallow as well. To me it's never made sense to exclude so many people from potential relationship based on some abstract concept. No two people are alike and you just never know. That person with kids, a big nose, no hair, big whatever, might be an amazing match for you. Be a shame to lose that over something superficial.
wwwjd Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 No guy who dates way younger girls (I assume he likes women who are easily manipulated) I know there is a whole other thread on this, but in some cases your assumption is very wrong. I date younger women because they can keep up with me, have the same interests as me, and don't ask me to carry a ton of their old baggage. MANIPULATION has never been used on my part in that. Never even crossed my mind or was even needed. I also date older women as well. Just wanted to display and alternate perspective on that one.
gibson Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 People make mistakes and people grow from them. I mean seriously who I was when I was 16 and I am now at 25 is so different. I couldn't agree more. If you do not want kids like someone else said then that is fine but writing off someone because they made a mistake 5 years ago and were irresponsible when they were 16 ... well... that kind of attitude would be a deal breaker for me! I don't understand... There are consequences to our choices, actions and "mistakes". However if someone makes those "mistakes" 5 years ago or when they were 16, I am now the one with the problem and not them? So if I get that right, you (and you will instruct your own kids one day) and you would advise anyone (even a 21 year old kid) to get involved with, date and pursue someone who has made one or more of the following "mistakes"? Kid(s), felonies, drug and alcohol addictions, dropped out of school, no career of job skills to speak of, etc. Thanks but no thanks. At 21, I think me not wanting to deal with any of those "mistakes" is using wise judgement and not being shallow. 3
jennisfora Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 dealbreakers make sense if you know what you want, just be open to changing them as your needs/wants change. I had an ex bf who wouldn't date single moms, ever. It wasn't a problem because I wasn't a single mom at the time. I am now, and for a time I think he wanted to try again, but wouldn't because of that. Now, that he is older, he had to adjust, and has dated single moms, because mid to late 30s, most women have kids. That's just how it goes, and if he wanted to date, he had to get over that. Now he has an awesome gf, don't know if she has kids or not, but he may have given up on dating altogether in frustration if hadn't altered his dealbreakers. So, there you go.
Recommended Posts