xxoo Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 I know you weren't serious, but I got to thinking. If I could find another partner for the threesome that wasn't married, perhaps she would fall for him and I would be free without having to do the dirty work. I'm not serious when i say this, so please don't flame me. I know it's like buying a lottery ticket with the hopes that you're going to win. It'll never happen. So you want to be rid of her, but you don't want to be the "bad guy", so you want to arrange for her to fall in love with someone--anyone (could be a scummy guy, who cares)--and leave you. Time to grow up and take responsibility for your life choices. If you want to divorce, initiate a divorce as cleanly and directly as possible. Don't try to make your exit easier while further f***ing up her life.
Author whattodo44 Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 you want to arrange for her to fall in love with someone--anyone (could be a scummy guy, who cares)--and leave you. That's not correct at all. No scummy guys. I want her to be happy so she'll leave me alone.
Author whattodo44 Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 I don't buy that. You don't buy that I want that, or that it could happen. I will agree it will probably never happen.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Okay, you said she doesn't normally drink that way, BUT the suicidal ideation is more concerning. Has she ever said anything like that before? Does she struggle with depression? Clearly she has some issues as well, BUT the problem now is that you have a new excuse for not divorcing her (ie "pushing her over the edge"). I think your main issue is codependency, I'm assuming you know what that is? Hoping she falls for another man so you won't have to divorce her is definate codependent behavior as well. Also fear of leaving their partner because they will do something more destructive is codependent behavior. There are lots of books on codependency, especially on amazon.com. I would recommend a book called "Codependent No More." There is also a coordinating workbook that I use with my clients. They benefit from it a lot.
Author whattodo44 Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 There are lots of books on codependency, especially on amazon.com. I would recommend a book called "Codependent No More." Thanks. I will try that. From everything you've revealed in this thread and the other one, it is very clear that if wife plays by the rules, doesn't make you look like a fool and doesn't "cheat" (meeting these men on her own), then all is well and the divorce talk once again gets pushed to the side. That is probably true. However, there is no way for me to be assured that she will play by the rules. In fact, I think that I can pretty much assume that she won't. In January I was happy, because I thought we had reached an agreement and she understood that what I needed was for her to be open and honest with me. What has happened in the last few weeks indicates that this will never happen. She doesn't care about me. But the sad thing is, if I hadn't been suspicious and spied on her I probably would be happy right now. There's an old saying "What you don't know won't hurt you".
Kidd Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) My first instinct when I read this and think of a wife who is depressed, potentially suicidal, and making plans to cheat is that you need to confront your wife with what you know (you have plenty of proof), put it in the context of her suicidal thoughts, and reach out to help her. I don't even like the word, "confront" because it doesn't need to be confrontation. In fact, I think it should be just the opposite. She is your wife. Calmly tell her what you know (she is lying and arranging a 1-on-1) and create a non-judgmental environment for her to safely open up to you. You will give her a huge opportunity to release the huge secrets she has been carrying and to reach out to her husband when she clearly needs help. I think you could reconnect. All that said, this is assuming you even want to reconnect or stay married. The big problem is that you are seriously conflicted. Then you add in the fact that she is a serial cheater and the threesome business. What a mess. I think your big question is: Do I want to stay with this woman or not? If you do, go with the suggestion I made above and fix the marriage. If you don't, go ahead and file in June and freakin' stick with the decision. By the way, I would make this decision before the dude comes in May. You need to be on a path to the point where either you are reconciling and the dude is dead on arrival or it is irrelevant because you are divorcing and don't care. You need to decide what you want and then go 100% all-in. Either be the hero that saves the marriage just before she makes a big mistake or get out and start a new life. Edited April 7, 2012 by Kidd
Author whattodo44 Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 The only person that should get any sympathy is this guy's unsuspecting wife. He claims his wife knows and approves since she hasn't wanted sex for years and she knows that he does. Whether that's true of not nobody knows. what's happening to you is sorta like what they say about what comes around, goes back around. You are probably correct there.
Steen719 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 He claims his wife knows and approves since she hasn't wanted sex for years and she knows that he does. Whether that's true of not nobody knows. You are probably correct there. I thought in one of your initial posts, you sad he was sneaking out to see you two??
Steen719 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 In January W told me he called and wanted to meet in the morning of January 16th. It had to be in the morning because he had told his wife that he was playing golf. W didn't want to invite him to our house, so we rented a motel room. From your other first post.
Author whattodo44 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 I thought in one of your initial posts, you sad he was sneaking out to see you two?? He says that his wife knows that he's doing it and that she's OK with it, but that she doesn't want to know when he's doing it. Apparently since she doesn't like sex, that would be more kind to her, otherwise she would feel guilty that he had to go outside to get sex. That seemed reasonable to me at the time.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 He says that his wife knows that he's doing it and that she's OK with it, but that she doesn't want to know when he's doing it. Apparently since she doesn't like sex, that would be more kind to her, otherwise she would feel guilty that he had to go outside to get sex. That seemed reasonable to me at the time. That sounds fishy to me...like a line that MM tell OW to get them into bed.. I suppose it could be true, but it's a tad far fetched. You may have just bought into that in an attempt to make it "acceptable" for you to engage in this. Would you have been a willing participant if you had known that he was actually cheating on his wife in this threesome? Hopefully not!
Owl Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Let me ask you this again... You know what she's doing...and yet you STILL haven't confronted her with that knowledge? Why not? Seems to me that all you need to do is confront her with it, and file for divorce. Actually...reading through your last sets of posts...why on Earth are you hoping she'll leave you? Get off your butt and just file already. It won't make a difference if she leaves you or you leave her...and you're clearly DONE with the relationship...and so is she...so quit complaining and start doing something to actually change the situation.
stillafool Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 That's not correct at all. No scummy guys. I want her to be happy so she'll leave me alone. Your wife doesn't need you to find her a man. She is more then capable of finding, seducing and moving on with another man. That is just another excuse you use to stay with her. BTW, how old is your wife? Plus you just had a thread on how to get her to divorce you. Why don't you confront this woman and divorce her yourself?
Author whattodo44 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 He's not done with the marriage at all. He doesn't confront her because he wants to see if she's really going to meet up with the other guy. As long as she doesn't meet up with him behind his back, he's pretty much a happy camper. Is he totally happy that she's lying to him, no . . . but he's watching and waiting. If no plans are made, then life will go on as usual. You've almost got it. I've pretty much made up my mind that if I catch her in bed with him I'll divorce her. Even if I don,t I won't be a happy camper, because she has probably been lying to me. However, are lies adequate reason for divorce? That's what I haven't made my mind up about yet. If I confront her now she'll try to gaslight me (I learned the meaning of this from this forum). I know her well enough to know that she'll claim she was just flirting with him, and putting him on and that she would have never, ever met up with him behind my back. I won't believe that, but I won't have any proof that I'm wrong. I am a weenie. I realize it, and I realize that I need to get over it, but it isn't easy.
stillafool Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 However, are lies adequate reason for divorce? That's what I haven't made my mind up about yet. So why don't you get back to us when you've made up your mind.
Owl Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 What if he shows up and she chickens out and invites you along again...you gonna be ok with that still? I do NOT understand what you're hoping to hear from us here on LS...what advice you were hoping to get. 2
Author whattodo44 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 I do NOT understand what you're hoping to hear from us here on LS...what advice you were hoping to get. I've got the advice I needed and I thank all of you very, very much. As I posted before I don't want to make a decision until June 1 (could be sooner) and I posted the reasons why. My wife and I currently have legal custody of 2 of her grandkids. There will be a custody hearing sometime in May and either the father will get custody, the mother will get custody or we will retain custody . I think the kids need me until the custody is settled. I believe that's a good reason for waiting, and I posted a question here and the majority of responders agreed. Also, I think I just need to whine. It seems to make me feel better. I know it's frustrating to everyone who spends their time responding, and I will try to stop it.
Author whattodo44 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 It all comes down to one question and he's not getting the answer he wants to hear: Is it cheating just to make plans? Again, Alice gets the prize. However, your response was a little unclear. Have I got the answer, and it is not the answer I want to hear, or have I not got the answer. If I got the answer and you believe it's not the answer I want to hear, could you summarize the answer that I got. Thanks.
Owl Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Again, Alice gets the prize. However, your response was a little unclear. Have I got the answer, and it is not the answer I want to hear, or have I not got the answer. If I got the answer and you believe it's not the answer I want to hear, could you summarize the answer that I got. Thanks. I believe that you have the answer (and the answer is YES, it is cheating), but I don't believe that you were hoping to hear that answer, nor are you prepared to do anything differently now that you have that answer. I think you were hoping to hear that what she was doing was "OK" in some fashion, so that you didn't feel compelled to take action in this situation. I am curious tho...you didn't answer my question. What if he shows up, and your wife decides to play this off again as she has in the past? Are you going to accept that and play along?!?!?!
Author whattodo44 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 I believe that you have the answer (and the answer is YES, it is cheating), Thanks. Yes I knew that, but seeing it in black and white helps. I am curious tho...you didn't answer my question. What if he shows up, and your wife decides to play this off again as she has in the past? Are you going to accept that and play along?!?!?! I don't think this will happen. She has said several things to prepare me for not getting together with him. In addition, she said he felt uncomfortable with me there, and I'm sure in their last 10 minute conversation they discussed doing it with neither spouse the wiser. I've already figured this out. If she tells me that we're getting together with him, I'm going to ask her why after what she told me. I'm going to remind her that she said he felt uncomfortable with me there and that I really don't want to do it. Then, there will be two possibilites: 1) She'll chicken out and not meet him, 2) she'll do it without me. As long as she doesn't suspect that I know her email password I can probably tell which it's going to be. Also I look at the phone calls every day. If she doesn't go through with it, I'm still going to try to find a way to be a man instead of a mouse and confront her with what I know. Incidently, it appears that she's started preparing for it. In one of her emails she stated So good to hear from you! Think of you often and can't wait to see you again - alone. There couldn't be a better incentive to getting to the gym than the thought of great sex. Yesterday she told me that she was going to start going to the gym starting today. Of course this could be a coincidence. Also, when he came to our house last time she said she was embarrassed by the bedroom. Saturday she told me she was going to start painting the bedroom next weekend. Sounds like she's getting it ready for him. Of course this could have nothing to do with him.
U472439 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Coincidence? I read a study today in the Economist about how Americans typically do get wiser over time, able to know that sometimes things will get worse before they get better. I don't know you, except what I'm reading here. My initial thought: your story is not real, and you're not really 67. My next thought: it is true, and I hope your W doesn't get everything in the will. My next thought: your W's emails read a lot like my xMW's emails to me during our A. She was shameless, solipsistic, even by her own admission. I know it must seem terrifyingly bleak looking at the prospect of being alone, but as it stands, you've got someone who's pretty comfortable lying to you. With friends like that... Right?
nofool4u Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 So, is she trying to set the stage so that when he's here in May she can meet him alone and I won't be suspicious? Or am I completely misjudging her. ?? Ok, lets get this straight. Either you allow your wife to get banged by another man, or you do not allow your wife to get banged by another man. You allowed it in a 3some, so YOU opened the flood gates. What does it matter if your wife enjoys being pleasured by another man while you are in the room or alone? Is she being honest with me and doesn't want to see the guy again? Perhaps she just doesn't want to be rude to him and is trying to be nice. I would think that she would be hesitant to F him in our house, in our bed because of the possibility of getting caught. Or, am I just overly obsessed and need to get over it? Uh here is what is happening. You allowed another man to f*** your wife. She loved it. And now she wants him alone. This is why 3-somes in a marriage are NEVER turn out well.
Author whattodo44 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 This is why 3-somes in a marriage are NEVER turn out well Interesting. Do you have statistics, or is your opinion?
nofool4u Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Interesting. Do you have statistics, or is your opinion? Its an opinion. Never might be a strong word, maybe it should have said SELDOM. And if you think I'm wrong, why are you here? If I'm way off base, you should have no problem with what is going on after you allowed your wife to be penetrated by another man.
Author whattodo44 Posted April 9, 2012 Author Posted April 9, 2012 How do you have a stat for an opinion? It is what it is. You didn't say it was an opinion when you posted it. It appeared that you were posting it as a fact. Thanks for clarifying.
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