Author Philetus Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 "they don't have to live with us" might be better phrased as "...Would you feel your space is invaded if we had more people here? I'd hate to think that you might feel compromised by having the kids in your face all the time... they're my children, but you're my partner... It's important to me that you feel completely comfortable and happy about this..." Thanks. I agree.
january2011 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 February was a crazy month for me at work. We didn't see each other a lot and when we did, I was exhausted. My divorce got finalized, too. In early March there was the issue of my ex over contacting me via email/text. I didn't deal with it soon enough and so a week later my gf blew up at me. I dealt with my ex and stopped her daily emails/text. And that's where they were until last week... She went out with friends and when I texted about meeting up I got the impression she didn't want me to come. But I went anyway and didn't mention it. The same thing happened a few days later, this time I called her on it, and she laid this all on me. In the past seven days, we've exchanged one email and a handful of texts. She wanted time to figure things out. We're seeing each other tomorrow. I wonder if she is feeling neglected and she only gets the leftovers of you (with all due respect) after everyone else has had their pick. That contact/communication seems to always be on your terms, after you've dealt with all your other priorities, rather than hers when she feels she really needs you to be there to support her. Therefore she's feeling rather put out and not in control of her own time and space. For an adult who has their own independent life, paying job, etc., that can be a very difficult situation to be in. Thus her taking time to "figure things out" and going out with friends is her way of drawing a line around herself to say, this is my space and my time and I can choose when I let you in. It's her sanctuary away from everything that she didn't sign up for. Her physical and mental space that she's in control of. That she gets a say in and is allowed to have a vote where she's not over-ruled. The email/text contact with your ex and you're not dealing with it promptly enough to her liking was probably the last straw in a series of events that have made her question whether or not she really wants to be here in this situation. Being with her friends probably reminded her what her life could be like without the kids who aren't hers, the ex-wife with boundary issues and the guy who she feels puts her low down his list of priorities. Added to that the issue of having a child, pretty soonish, before it's too late, and you now being 'free' to marry should you both wish, it comes back to it being a lot for her to think about. Yes, she really has to ask herself the big hard questions, "I love him, but it's hard and it's crunch time, do I really want to be here? Is this as good as it gets? Is this my last chance for a baby? What are the alternatives?" Her next move could mean that she chooses a path that she can't leave and that she might regret. She doesn't want to do that to herself. But she's also somewhat paralysed by having to make a big decision that could affect the rest of her life. Knowing that she's at a major crossroads and this really is it. Time to choose.
Author Philetus Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 I wonder if she is feeling neglected and she only gets the leftovers of you (with all due respect) after everyone else has had their pick. Thanks, that was a great post and you were bang on about a lot of it. My gf and I had a long talk today. We are going to separate for a while. The reason is to give her more time to sort everything out - the stress overwhelmed her and she's exhausted and full of anxiety. At this end of this period, we will either end it, or come back together with some changes in our relationship (including counseling). I told her to take all the time she needed, that I'm not interested in dating, and she doesn't need to worry about 'keeping me waiting'. I choose to wait. I told her that this period of time is for her and I will help in any way I can (even if that is just to step away and give her time alone.) The last thing I want to do is put more stress on her. I'm not overly optimistic about our future together. I think, perhaps, that our timing is bad and we both have to work on ourselves. I want to thank everyone for their feedback, it was very helpful.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Thanks, that was a great post and you were bang on about a lot of it. My gf and I had a long talk today. We are going to separate for a while. The reason is to give her more time to sort everything out - the stress overwhelmed her and she's exhausted and full of anxiety. At this end of this period, we will either end it, or come back together with some changes in our relationship (including counseling). I told her to take all the time she needed, that I'm not interested in dating, and she doesn't need to worry about 'keeping me waiting'. I choose to wait. I told her that this period of time is for her and I will help in any way I can (even if that is just to step away and give her time alone.) The last thing I want to do is put more stress on her. I'm not overly optimistic about our future together. I think, perhaps, that our timing is bad and we both have to work on ourselves. I want to thank everyone for their feedback, it was very helpful. Sounds like you handled it in a mature fashion. Good for you! I'm not a being fan of breaks, however the way you posed it to her sounds like you are being very supportive and understanding. That's what she needs. What was her reaction to what you said?
Author Philetus Posted April 8, 2012 Author Posted April 8, 2012 Sounds like you handled it in a mature fashion. Good for you! I'm not a being fan of breaks, however the way you posed it to her sounds like you are being very supportive and understanding. That's what she needs. What was her reaction to what you said? She appreciated it. She's essentially had a breakdown due to the high level of anxiety and stress. She thinks she's still in the middle of it. She exhausted, anxious, emotional, has nothing left in her tank... She needs to deal with that before we can deal with us. I'm going to support her all I can.
january2011 Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Philetus, I'm sorry to hear that you are going to separate, albeit temporarily. You seem to be very reasonable, supportive and loving. I hope that she is able to remember that during her alone time to recharge herself. And I hope very much that you are both able to work this out and get back on track.
Author Philetus Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Philetus, I'm sorry to hear that you are going to separate, albeit temporarily. You seem to be very reasonable, supportive and loving. I hope that she is able to remember that during her alone time to recharge herself. And I hope very much that you are both able to work this out and get back on track. **UPDATE** I wanted to thank everyone for their input and provide an update on what happened. My gf and I spent about two weeks apart. We emailed and texted occasionally but never saw each other. We had planned to meet tomorrow to talk but she sent me an email saying she had nothing to discuss. I asked if I could call her and she said yes. We decided to end it. It was hard but she wasn't/isn't able to deal with guy who has an ex-wife and two grown kids. She thought she could but it overwhelmed her. I've had a couple weeks to prepare for this so I'm okay. She's able to start healing finally, so that's good, too.
january2011 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Philetus, I'm so sorry. This wasn't the outcome I was hoping for you.
wow04 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 My ex has custody and still lives in the matrimonial home. I maintain part ownership in the house, she can't afford to buy me out yet. I go to my kids house three nights a week to make dinner and stay for 3 hours each night (4-7). My ex is never there during this time. Occasionally, they come to our place and my gf and I make dinner for them and hang out - it's up to my gf when those nights happen. I also do things with both of them separately on the weekends (maybe one weekend a month) - dinner, movie, etc. My gf is often part of this. I am a divorced mother of 4 kids and I have a bf. I do have shared parenting. I couldn't imagine telling my boyfriend I am going to ex's house 3 nights a week. Why don't the kids come to your house? As a woman, if that was happening I would feel excluded. On another note, I feel this woman needs to understand that you are a package deal. Your ex and your kids will always be in your life. She either has to accept it or you both need to move on.
wow04 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I didn't realize there was a 3rd page. I am so sorry to hear this. I wish all of you guys the best of luck
setsenia Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I've never been a step-mom, but I have been in a step family situation. My dad and his now exW married when I was 17. They were only together for 6 months before they married. I never considered her a "step-mom" not only because I was almost an adult and didn't really need another mom, but because she was only 7 years older than me. Don't put so much pressure on her being a "mom" to your kids. Your kids are 15 and 18, that ship has already sailed and nearly docked. They aren't looking for nor do they need a mother figure at this point. What's important is that they get along and treat each other well. Your kids are too old for her to "parent". Now if you had kids ranging from toddlers to let's say 12 or 13, that's different. But at this point, there is no more "raising" to do. I just saw your latest post after typing the above. I'm sorry to hear about that, but it's probably for the best. She was at a different stage in life. (Wanted to start a family and you were pretty much done). This is what happened to my dad and exW when she wanted a second baby after her first from another relationship. A 25% chance after reversing a vasectomy doesn't seem high enough to be worth it. So if you had fertility issues, it sounds like that might have been a deal breaker for her and not worth it in the end.
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