Philetus Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Hi, It's been a while since I posted here. My relationship has been going so well for 20 months that I didn't have a need, but now it's falling apart so, once again, back for help. I'm a divorced dad with two teenage kids (18/15). My girlfriend is seven years younger than me (38), has no kids nor ever been married. The issues that erupted are the usual ones for a step-mother (for that's really what she is). She thinks she'll never be #1 (that my kids will be), she resents the fact that my ex will always be a part of my life, she doesn't know if she can be a step-mother to my kids... We've been aware of these issues for a long time and have spent many hours talking about them and dealing with them, in advance. She posts on a SM board, she's bought books (which I've read, too), etc. Just to give a quick example, my ex and I have a good, working relationship. We talk via email (mostly) about the kids and what they need (homework, summer jobs, etc). My ex became so comfortable sending me emails that they escalated to became almost daily 'check ins'. When my GF complained about this, I stopped the daily barrage and asked for weekly ones instead. Our way of dealing with these issues is no longer working. My GF is overwhelmed. She feels trapped, helpless, misunderstood and her sense of panic is undermining our relationship - and more importantly, her health. I know these issues have always been there but they've been simmering at a '2'. This week, they went to '11'. We love each other very much but I don't want to hurt her by making her feel this way. Ladies, who's been through (is going through) this? Given the level of her reaction, I feel that if we're going to even try to make this work, we have to go to counseling. Thoughts? Finally, I couldn't find any resources for 'dating someone without kids'. There's lots for 'dating a guy with kids', but I want to read about the challenges of being a 45-year old guy with two kids dating someone who's never had any.
january2011 Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 A number of questions: Who has custody?/How often do you see your kids? Does your girlfriend want kids of her own some day? Does she want to get married and have kids that come from the both of you? Has she ever dated a divorcee/single father before? How long since the divorce? How long have you been together with your girlfriend? Does your girlfriend live with you? If there is a conflict between your girlfriend and the kids, for example, in terms of what you all do/where you eat/etc.,, who do you normally support? How do the kids treat her? How does the ex treat her? Have they met?
Author Philetus Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 A number of questions: Who has custody?/How often do you see your kids? My ex has custody and still lives in the matrimonial home. I maintain part ownership in the house, she can't afford to buy me out yet. I go to my kids house three nights a week to make dinner and stay for 3 hours each night (4-7). My ex is never there during this time. Occasionally, they come to our place and my gf and I make dinner for them and hang out - it's up to my gf when those nights happen. I also do things with both of them separately on the weekends (maybe one weekend a month) - dinner, movie, etc. My gf is often part of this. Does your girlfriend want kids of her own some day? Does she want to get married and have kids that come from the both of you? Yes. We've talked about it and she'd like to be pregnant before 40, that would be within the next 18 months. I'm into that but I do have to get a vasectomy reversal surgery. I already have a referral from my doctor. We both know that's only about 25% chance, but we're open to next steps after that. We've talked about marriage and buying a home together (we were actually looking at houses two months ago). She says that marriage is not something she dreams about but I think she'd prefer to be, as would I. Has she ever dated a divorcee/single father before? No. How long since the divorce? I have been separated for about two and a half years. The divorce was finalized recently, about two months ago. How long have you been together with your girlfriend? 20 months. Does your girlfriend live with you? Yes, I moved into her place just over a year ago after dating about six months. If there is a conflict between your girlfriend and the kids, for example, in terms of what you all do/where you eat/etc.,, who do you normally support? No, there hasn't been any conflict between them. We (my gf and I) decide on what we're doing and invite my kids. On two occasions, after she made dinner, my daughter didn't show up (once she was sick and once she 'forgot'). I admit not understanding how much that upset her at the time. The closest thing to conflict is that my gf has been tutoring my son in English and he drags his feet sometimes or does shoddy work. I back her up and make sure he works on his English when I see him for dinner. There was only one time, after he'd been ill and fell behind on more 'pressing' courses that I asked her to give him an extra week to catch up on other stuff. I should have let him advocate for himself on that. How do the kids treat her? Very polite for the most part. My daughter adores her because she's into fashion and my gf is a former model, my ex has no sense of fashion whatsoever. However, my daughter is guarded around her, not really herself, if you know what I mean. But, certainly no fights or what I would call conflicts (unless you count the missed dinners). My son is very different. He's very much himself when he's around but he's not the best on social graces. He'll leave without saying 'good bye', has trouble with 'thank you'. He's like that with everyone. I know this is hard on her and we've been making an effort, when he's over, to get him to change. In the early days, he would often find a way to mention his mother, like he was being loyal to her, but that has stopped. How does the ex treat her? Have they met? My ex has boundary issues for sure. She's not at 'crazy bitch' level but she doesn't realize that what she does affects my gf and I. (I referenced the story above regarding the emails.) There was another incident where, after my GF took my daughter to a particular hair stylists, for whom my gf still does hair model shows, my ex went there AND got the same kind of cut as my gf. It was not good. Yes, they have met. A few weeks ago they went out to have a few drinks and talk. My gf wanted to my ex to understand her situation so that she (my ex) could empathize with her. They didn't have any outright conflict but what happened was my ex was able to cast doubt on my gf's ability/desire to be a step-mom. Does this help?
Lauriebell82 Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the additional info Philetus. I was in your gf's situation once, I dated an older man (by 5 years) who had two small boys. He was divorced and had joint custody of his children. I only dated him for about a month because his ex wife was always calling or she would ask him to come get the children when I was there. He had told me that his "situation" had been a dealbreaker for many relationships, since he was only 28 and was dating mostly young unmarried women with no children. Anyway, I also felt extremely ackward (I was only 23 at the time, this was 6 years ago before I met my husband) around his children because I obviously wasn't their mother. I guess the situation is a little different because you are in a serious relationship, but I felt EXACTLY like your gf. Insecure, frustrated, isolated, ackward, ect. And that was after a month! I would never date or marry anyone with kids ever again, or who had been divorced. That's just my preference, I honestly just couldn't handle it. It's going to be a difficult road for your gf because she doesn't sound like she is 100% in. I'm sure she wants to be and loves you, but these issues are not things that are going to go away or change, therefore she is probably just going to have to accept it. Do you think she can do that? Does she? I apologize for sounding rather synical, your gf just sounds a lot like what I felt/went through with this man that I dated. Edited April 6, 2012 by Lauriebell82
Author Philetus Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 It's going to be a difficult road for your gf because she doesn't sound like she is 100% in. I'm sure she wants to be and loves you, but these issues are not things that are going to go away or change, therefore she is probably just going to have to accept it. Do you think she can do that? Does she? I apologize for sounding rather synical, your gf just sounds a lot like what I felt/went through with this man that I dated. You don't sound more cynical than me. I know it's hard for her but we've been dealing since we've been together. I'm looking to understand what's changed recently? Could it be that we've been together 20 months and our relationship is changing? Could it be that my divorce is final and the future is more real? Also, would counseling change anything? Would taking a step back or a break be a good idea? Is it better to just end it now? We really do love each other very much. Outside of these issues (and I know they're big) we are so compatible.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 You don't sound more cynical than me. I know it's hard for her but we've been dealing since we've been together. I'm looking to understand what's changed recently? Could it be that we've been together 20 months and our relationship is changing? Could it be that my divorce is final and the future is more real? Also, would counseling change anything? Would taking a step back or a break be a good idea? Is it better to just end it now? We really do love each other very much. Outside of these issues (and I know they're big) we are so compatible. I'm a counselor, so obviously I would advocate for counseling. However, in this case it's pretty clear that this situation is not what she REALLY wants. She wants YOU, she doesn't want your children or ex wife...so ultimately she will have to chose to either accept your baggage or not. I do think that the relationship probably is becoming more serious and is changing, therefore she is evaluating whether she could deal with it for the rest of her life. I don't think a break would really resolve anything, nothing will change in the time period that you are on a break (in your life anyway). I don't know about going as far as to end it, but I think the two of you need to have a very very serious talk. You both need to be 100% honest with each other about your feelings, but NOT expect or attempt to make the situation "better." And marriage and having a child together is NOT going to make everything better. Those are not solutions, just attempts to cover up the real problem.
Author Philetus Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 I'm a counselor, so obviously I would advocate for counseling. However, in this case it's pretty clear that this situation is not what she REALLY wants. She wants YOU, she doesn't want your children or ex wife...so ultimately she will have to chose to either accept your baggage or not. I do think that the relationship probably is becoming more serious and is changing, therefore she is evaluating whether she could deal with it for the rest of her life. I agree 100%. Do you run into this situation in your practice? When it gets resolved for good (as in the couple stays together) what steps do they go through? I don't think a break would really resolve anything, nothing will change in the time period that you are on a break (in your life anyway). My only hope with a break is that she'll have time to figure out what she really needs/wants. If she decides it's over, it's over. I love her but I don't want to hurt her anymore. She says that I'm not doing this TO her, she's doing it to herself. Took on too much and lost herself and now feels trapped as I said before. But, I'm still the cause of her hurt and I want her to be happy. I don't know about going as far as to end it, but I think the two of you need to have a very very serious talk. You both need to be 100% honest with each other about your feelings, but NOT expect or attempt to make the situation "better." Will do. She went to her parents for a few days (extended Easter) and our plan is to have this full and frank talk on Sunday. I thought we had been communicating well but obviously not well enough. And marriage and having a child together is NOT going to make everything better. Those are not solutions, just attempts to cover up the real problem. Marriage and a child were things we were talking about previously. When everything was going well. In the last two months, those subjects have not been broached. Don't worry. I plan on doing neither until we fully deal with these underlying issues, if they can be dealt with. Thanks!
january2011 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the answers Philetus. It seems that you are as supportive as you can be and have even backed up your girlfriend and presented a united front to the children - not an easy thing to do in your situation, as it would be very easy to just take your children's side, which would leave your girlfriend feeling like an outsider and overuled - not a great feeling for someone who is living with you and an adult in her own right. You've also talked about your life together and it seems that there's potential for compromise and you're trying to be as fair and understanding as possible given that it's not an easy situation to be in. However, I think Laurebelle82 has hit the nail on the head here: it's pretty clear that this situation is not what she REALLY wants. She wants YOU, she doesn't want your children or ex wife...so ultimately she will have to chose to either accept your baggage or not. I do think that the relationship probably is becoming more serious and is changing, therefore she is evaluating whether she could deal with it for the rest of her life. One other thing that might come into play is the fact that she's in her late 30s and her biological clocking is ticking. You're open to the idea of having more children though there's the issue of the reversal, but you are open to going down this route. And there isn't any conflict about getting married again, which is great because you could so easily be bitter about divorce and therefore marriage and there's conflict because you've been there and aren't sure you want to do all that again - but that doesn't seem to be the case here. I think that if she is thinking about the next steps as Lauriebelle82 mentioned, it's likely that she has a lot of questions about how it's all going to work. Will me and my children always be second best? What do we do if there's conflict? Will he love the children he has with me as much as he loves his children that he has with his ex? Do I really want children with this man? Maybe I do want him all to myself and the ex and kids are in the way? How is he going to prioritise everything? With all these questions, of course it has become overwhelming and seem like it's too much trouble. Sometimes a woman who doesn't have kids holds a dream that she will be the only woman in a man's life and that they go through the experience of getting married and having kids together. That she is the one who gets to be the woman who gives him children and be his wife. But when a woman like this is with a guy who has already done it all, she somehow has to reconcile this dream because no matter what, your ex and kids still exist and she's never going to be first at these things. But at her age, she's unlikely to meet a man who doesn't have some kind of past. So that's another thing she's got to reconcile if this relationship doesn't work out. You'll never be able to give her full attention and top priority 24/7. However, if it really is all about her, then it's likely she may be in more conflict when you do have children, because then there's more people who have priority over your attention before she does. And while your ex appears reasonable, I don't think it can be easy to have to deal with another woman and naturally she's protective of her kids because she probably wants to know that you're prioritising them - not necessarily over your girlfriend but that you're not letting your girlfriend have so much influence that her kids miss out or get pushed aside or get the short end of the stick. If you and your girlfriend have kids then your ex is going to wonder where her kids fit in and if you'll have any time for them anymore. So as their mother, she needs to make sure that your girlfriend really does have their best interests at heart because it looks like you are in it for the long haul and this woman is in your life and therefore your kids life (and her life) for the long-term. I don't think that the meet up was a great idea to be honest because your wife is going to find it difficult to empathise with your girlfriend unless she's been in a similar situation. After all, here's a woman telling her that it's difficult being a step mom to someone else's kids. And this woman in front of her isn't talking about any old kids, she's referring to her kids. So of course she's going to cast doubt on your girlfriend being a stepmom to her kids. There's no doubt that both you and your girlfriend love each other very much and have so far worked through and talked through issues openly and honestly. However, sometimes there's psychological and emotional conflict that creates an impasse in the relationship that may or may not be gotten over - people sometimes just can't help how they feel. I don't know if more talking and research will necessarily do it if she can't get over this internal conflict. What's good is that you two seem to have an honest and open relationship, or you did until recently, but I suspect this may be on of those situations where she can't but feel how she feels no matter how accommodating/welcome/fair/open/honest/reassuring everyone has been and how much research you've both done. It may be that this is one of those occasions where all you can is just be there and listen and support her but ultimately, she might just have to work this out herself or with a counsellor. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you both can overcome this as it sounds like otherwise this is a pretty solid relationship. Edited April 7, 2012 by january2011 1
Author Philetus Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 What's good is that you two seem to have an honest and open relationship, or you did until recently, but I suspect this may be on of those situations where she can't but feel how she feels no matter how accommodating/welcome/fair/open/honest/reassuring everyone has been and how much research you've both done. It may be that this is one of those occasions where all you can is just be there and listen and support her but ultimately, she might just have to work this out herself or with a counsellor. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you both can overcome this as it sounds like otherwise this is a pretty solid relationship. Thank you very much for that amazing response. I appreciate the time you took to write it all out. You and Lauriebell82 have been incredibly helpful. I think the paragraph above is exactly correct. I don't think there is more that I can do with being accommodating/etc. It's up to her to work this out. She has to ask herself the hard questions and figure out what she can, and cannot, take. I think if we continue to move forward/stay together, counseling is an absolute must.
january2011 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 You're welcome. I didn't expect to be so wordy and type all that out but am glad that it helped you. Keep us updated if you have the time/inclination. I'd be interested to see how your situation plays out - hopefully very well as you've both built up a great foundation already - but as you wrote, there aren't too many threads on this subject, yet it seems like a situation that occurs often.
Author Philetus Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 You're welcome. I didn't expect to be so wordy and type all that out but am glad that it helped you. Keep us updated if you have the time/inclination. I'd be interested to see how your situation plays out - hopefully very well as you've both built up a great foundation already - but as you wrote, there aren't too many threads on this subject, yet it seems like a situation that occurs often. There are a number of step-mom forums which I've visited but they weren't too helpful. They're mostly places for people to vent. There is a ton of advice for women who've never had children, dating a divorced man with kids. But, not the other way around. Divorced men who have kids also need advice on dating childless women who've never been married. (Any advice written from that POV assumes the woman has 'too many problems' since she never got married'. So, yeah, not much help there. )
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Two things are going to happen. 1 - She steps it up, accepts things as they are. You are a package deal with the kids. She has to realize that it's a GOOD THING that you and your ex are on good terms. If she can get to know your ex and get along with her, then in the future, spending time all together will only benefit the kids. Birthdays, graduation, other school stuff, weddings, maybe even some holidays. (some of my cousins have two sets of parents and they learned over the years to get along and have fun during some big family gatherings. It actually is quite comfortable.) This can work but it's a lot of hard work for her. And, she has to realize that kids come first a lot of the time. 2 - You two end things. This isn't about love, I'm sure she loves you and you love her. It's just hard for her.. Your lives blending as one and her getting used to everything. What do your teens think of her?
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Your ex shouldn't be 'casting her view' and minimizing what your gf can or can't do after a few times meeting. Boundries is it. Until the ground is settled and everybody learns with communication and understanding, respecting boundries and not crossing lines. Your ex has to accept your gf's role in the kids lives...She will learn as she goes along. So far, so good! Better than many others in situations like this. The closest thing to conflict is that my gf has been tutoring my son in English and he drags his feet sometimes or does shoddy work. I back her up and make sure he works on his English when I see him for dinner. There was only one time, after he'd been ill and fell behind on more 'pressing' courses that I asked her to give him an extra week to catch up on other stuff. I should have let him advocate for himself on that. Tell me one male teenager who doesn't do that. Completely normal, it would happen if it were you or his mom tutoring him! My son is very different. He's very much himself when he's around but he's not the best on social graces. He'll leave without saying 'good bye', has trouble with 'thank you'. He's like that with everyone. I know this is hard on her and we've been making an effort, when he's over, to get him to change. In the early days, he would often find a way to mention his mother, like he was being loyal to her, but that has stopped. A teenage boy is a teenage boy. Enough said and she has to lower her expectation level a bit and not get upset if there's no goodbye, no eye contact or one forgets a dinner or doesn't call to cancel. It happens but she can't take it personally.
CC12 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 She feels trapped, helpless, misunderstood and her sense of panic is undermining our relationship - and more importantly, her health. I know these issues have always been there but they've been simmering at a '2'. This week, they went to '11'. What happened this week that brought things to 11? Also, you said you've spent many hours talking about these issues. Why do you think she still feels misunderstood?
CarrieT Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Can someone direct me to some of these sites about childless women dating divorced men with kids? I'd love to start learning more.... Thanks!
TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 just an aside thought, (and i apologise if it's been mentioned, didn't have time to go through everything).... Strictly speaking - STRICTLY speaking - you have one 'child'. your eldest whom i presume is your daughter, is 18, and as such is legally an adult and no longer in your charge. She also seems to have a very good relationship with your GF, so i don't think she can be cut into the equation of being problematic. I have a 16-year-old stepson who lives with us, and he's a bloody nightmare. this too shall pass.... so perhaps it would help - in counselling - to try to determine precisely where the focus of this disquiet is coming from..... I wish you well....
january2011 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 CarrieT, I googled and found smos.org - they've got a forum for "Mother by Marriage (SMOMS with no bio-kids)" - seems fairly active. Not looked at any of the threads yet though so don't know if this is just one of those venting sites that Philetus mentioned. 1
Lauriebell82 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Philetus, in reading the responses I would have to agree that counseling may be a good route to take. I'm a drug and alcohol counselor, so I have worked with many couples in which the there is a childless gf/divorced with kids bf. Throw addiction into the mix and you've got a lot of chaos. Mostly what I have seen is that the gf/wife (usually the couple is already married) has accepted that situation for what it is. She accepted that she is a stepmom and although it's not always easy or comfortable for her, she does it and has no regrets. This doesn't sound like how your gf is feeling though. So maybe counseling would be a good way of exploring that, and would give her a chance to process her feelings instead of just try to fight them. I see where you are coming from in regards to the "break" but I still feel that she may not REALLY resolve anything, because she will be thinking about how much she loves you and misses you and just ultimately want you back. She won't be thinking or considering WHAT she is taking back when she does it. IMO, breaks don't usually work for that very reason. When a couple will take a break and get back together, nothing has usually resolved and the relationship doesn't end up working out anyway. Not in every case of course, but usually.
Author Philetus Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Two things are going to happen. 1 - She steps it up, accepts things as they are. You are a package deal with the kids. She has to realize that it's a GOOD THING that you and your ex are on good terms.... And, she has to realize that kids come first a lot of the time. My ex has boundary issues as I alluded to before. She's not crazy or interfering but she doesn't realize that her actions affect my gf and I. Hell, I didn't realize it for a long time. Originally, I tried to keep my ex and my kids separate from my gf. I never mentioned my ex to her nor did I talk about any issues with the kids (unless my gf asked or if the issues were big). I encouraged my gf to get to know my kids on her terms and let the three of them figure out what kind of relationship they would have. I would say in general, she sees them each about twice a month (a little more for my son cause she tutors him in English). I post this to point out (for others) that avoidance or compartmentalizing didn't work for me. Even if my ex and I get along, she can still affect my gf very negatively. 2 - You two end things. This isn't about love, I'm sure she loves you and you love her. It's just hard for her.. Your lives blending as one and her getting used to everything. Obviously, I hope for option #1 but I'm at peace, and if this is the way it goes, it's the way it goes. What I'm working through is this question... What we have is strong enough that it's worth fighting for but at what point do I say that this is just too hard on her, be the bad guy, and end things. What do your teens think of her? I mentioned it before. They both really like her. My son adores her because she sees him in small doses so she's attentive with him, she's turned him into an 80+ student in English. It's easy because she's sees him infrequently enough that it's still events, if you get me. My daughter also adores her. My gf is a former model and my daughter is very much into fashion, shopping and make up (like most 15 year olds). They're also huge fans of shows like 90210 and Jersey Shore, so they bond over a lot. (My daughter doesn't share these things with her mother.)
Author Philetus Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Your ex has to accept your gf's role in the kids lives...She will learn as she goes along. So far, so good! Better than many others in situations like this. There haven't been any fights about my gf's role in my kids' lives, in fact, the opposite. My ex encourages my daughter to 'go shopping' with my gf. My ex encouraged my son to get tutored by my gf. The main boundary issue (thank you technology) is how often my ex contacts me through text and email. The vast majority of these messages have to do with the kids - what's their homework, who has an appointment, etc. But, she tacks on a little check in on how's she doing. She's still trying to emotionally parent our kids together and that had to stop. So it did. A teenage boy is a teenage boy. Enough said and she has to lower her expectation level a bit and not get upset if there's no goodbye, no eye contact or one forgets a dinner or doesn't call to cancel. It happens but she can't take it personally. My son has borderline Asperger's syndrome so he's worse on social graces than most teen boys. She also worries about his future. He's very smart but lacks the social skills to work well with people. With my daughter missing dinner - they happened back-to-back. The second time was also during a low point for my gf in dealing with my son.
Author Philetus Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 What happened this week that brought things to 11? Also, you said you've spent many hours talking about these issues. Why do you think she still feels misunderstood? That's the question I have. Could it be that my finalized divorce (two months ago) made her think about the future for real? Could it be that we've been together 20 months and at this point the nature of our love is changing? Could it be that her 39th birthday is four months away and she wants to be pregnant before 40? Could it be that she was managing these things but it just happened to overwhelm her? What happened in our lives is this. Before January, everything was amazing. Of course, we had issues but we always talked about them and dealt with them. I knew these things were on her mind but, as I said, we dealt with them. I was reading the 'stepmom' book with her, for example. In January, she went away on a contract for three weeks. On her return we began house shopping. We talked about renting a larger place (if we couldn't find a house we liked) so one of my kids could live with us full-time. This is something she said she wanted to do, that it would make it easier for reasons that are lengthy to explain. We talked about counseling (I brought it up) but we didn't follow through. February was a crazy month for me at work. We didn't see each other a lot and when we did, I was exhausted. My divorce got finalized, too. In early March there was the issue of my ex over contacting me via email/text. I didn't deal with it soon enough and so a week later my gf blew up at me. I dealt with my ex and stopped her daily emails/text. And that's where they were until last week... She went out with friends and when I texted about meeting up I got the impression she didn't want me to come. But I went anyway and didn't mention it. The same thing happened a few days later, this time I called her on it, and she laid this all on me. In the past seven days, we've exchanged one email and a handful of texts. She wanted time to figure things out. We're seeing each other tomorrow.
Author Philetus Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Can someone direct me to some of these sites about childless women dating divorced men with kids? I'd love to start learning more.... Thanks! To be specific, I guess they're more about relationships with divorced men with kids. If you're going that route, it seems the issues women run into are universal. - they don't feel they are #1. - they didn't sign on for 'this' - this is usually 'parenting an ungrateful kid' or 'dealing with a crazy ex'. - they usually have issues regarding their own desire to have children and whether it will happen. - if they have children with this guy, it won't be his first. He'll have done it before with someone else. - there are positives, too. - you know this guy can commit. - when you see him with his children, it tells you a lot about who he is - good fathers (i think) make good mates But google 'dating divorced men with kids'. There's a lot of hits.
Author Philetus Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 just an aside thought, (and i apologise if it's been mentioned, didn't have time to go through everything).... Strictly speaking - STRICTLY speaking - you have one 'child'. your eldest whom i presume is your daughter, is 18, and as such is legally an adult and no longer in your charge. I wish you well.... Thanks. It's my son who'll be 18 this summer but he still has one more year of high school. Also, the college he wants to attend is in the city where I live so there's a strong possibility that he has up to three more years at 'home'. But, I'm with you in one sense. My kids don't need to be picked up from school, or taken to music classes. Of course they still need guidance and parenting but it's not the same as having a four-year-old. My 15-year-old daughter is, in many ways, more mature than my son. When I talk to my gf about this it hurts her because she, quite rightly, has put a lot of effort into parenting them already. She feels that when I say "you don't have to parent them, they don't have to live with us" it devalues what she's already worked so hard on.
Author Philetus Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Philetus, in reading the responses I would have to agree that counseling may be a good route to take. I'm a drug and alcohol counselor, so I have worked with many couples in which the there is a childless gf/divorced with kids bf. Throw addiction into the mix and you've got a lot of chaos. Neither my gf or I struggle with any addiction (unless it's an addiction to nice wine) but she is the child of an alcoholic father. I know there are issues caused by that and I wonder if that could play a role. She's never been married and has been horrible at picking men (before me, of course ) I see where you are coming from in regards to the "break" but I still feel that she may not REALLY resolve anything, because she will be thinking about how much she loves you and misses you and just ultimately want you back. She won't be thinking or considering WHAT she is taking back when she does it. IMO, breaks don't usually work for that very reason. When a couple will take a break and get back together, nothing has usually resolved and the relationship doesn't end up working out anyway. Not in every case of course, but usually. What I see a break as doing is giving one the chance to figure out if you really want to be with this person. If you separate and don't miss them or feel better with them out of your life, then I guess you have your answer. Conversely, if you can't stop thinking about them and the other 'issues' are dwarfed by your longing, well you have the opposite answer and committing to therapy because easier. I guess clarity is the short answer.
TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 oh right, gotcha... sorry...my bad.... I'm not surprised your girl is the more mature one... in general (though by no means as a hard-and-fast rule) girls tend to be more mature than guys... you know, your last phrase, about how maybe your GF felt devalued by your comments also comes down to not only the amount of communication, but the quality, or variety. I'll tell you something; Over 60% of communication is actually Body Language... the remainder is divided up between first, tone of voice, followed by a lesser degree of actual word content.... but even so, how we phrase things is very important.... for example, "you don't have to parent them," might be better phrased as, "Even though they're not you kids, i love the way you have taken responsibility for them, although you're not even obliged to... that's really good of you, and i really don't want you to ever think i expect that of you, or that you feel obliged to, simply because they're my kids... "they don't have to live with us" might be better phrased as "...Would you feel your space is invaded if we had more people here? I'd hate to think that you might feel compromised by having the kids in your face all the time... they're my children, but you're my partner... It's important to me that you feel completely comfortable and happy about this..." Sure, you see? It's a lot more long-winded, but even if you have to use more words, the intention is softer and more comforting that the alternative....
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