sakura23 Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Hi there, this is my first time posting here and I'd like to hear some opinions and perhaps get some advice on my situation. My boyfriend and I have known each other 8 years, been dating for 3 years, and have been living together for 1 year. I love him and care about him so much but sometimes I feel like he is holding me back from pursuing my career goals which include moving to and living in Japan for an indefinite amount of time. I am truly torn because I really want to get married to him and spend my whole life with him, but I also want to fulfill my goals that I had planned for myself all throughout college. Since we've been living together, we are basically like a married couple, but I am wondering if he will ever actually propose. We've only had the marriage talk once in our whole relationship, and he said he would want to get married to me someday when he is comfortable and can afford it. And when I think about it, that may not even be for another 2 or 3 years at least! (He is still in school and only working part time). So my question is, since we are unmarried should I pursue my own goals, or should I wait for him to ask me to marry him? I have put my goals off since graduating college just to be with him. I know it would devastate both of us if we separated, but since I do see him always in my life, I don't think we would have to break up, and I don't intend on dating other people. I am happy with my life right now with him, but I think I would also be very happy going to Japan doing what I want to do. I am going to be 24 soon, so I know I should live my life how I want to before settling down, but getting married to him would also make me incredibly happy. And, I know it sounds horrible, but there is a tiny part of me that almost wants to up and leave as a kind of punishment for him taking so long to propose, like a snooze you lose type of thing. Anyway, what would you do if you were in my situation? Thanks for reading.
MissBee Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 (edited) How I personally view a relationship is that there has to be some type of goal in mind or at least trajectory of where it is going. I personally don't really believe in living with a man just for the heck of it and don't plan on doing that unless we're at least engaged which means we have discussed our lives and have made a commitment in definite terms. But to just date and live together as a matter of course....I wouldn't do that and I see a lot of situations where women are in a relationship, live together and do everything like they are married...except they aren't and then they're then upset that this person won't marry them. Well think about it, there would be no big difference if they married you, as you live under their roof and are pretty much doing all that a wife would. What incentive is there to feel a great desire to marry you? Not that much....they can drag their feet indefinitely on it. The old cliche of why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free comes to mind. I prefer for a man to invest in our relationship and solidify a commitment to me before any of those other big ticket things occur (babies, houses, etc.)....as if not, then it is backwards and I see more relationships going awry because of putting the cart before the horse than the other way around, and like you a lot of times people end up giving away free milk and feeling unhappy about it. You essentially don't feel you have a legitimate place but feel confused because you have given so much like holding off your dreams and all this craziness. Anyway, some great advice I got was that "Love doesn't take you away from your path". Some of the best advice ever! If loving someone means you have to stop living your life, stop having your career, leave your dreams...then is that love? I don't think so. We all make sacrifices but I think the problem is too many people sacrifice wrongly. For example, if you are not my husband and have not made that commitment to me for the long haul already, why would I put my dreams off for you??? I won't! Even if we were married, I'd only marry someone who supports my growth and dreams, but I'd take more of his concerns into consideration and plan my life around US. As for me, by then I consciously chose to spend my life with you, we had premarital counseling and have really weighed the decision and we symbolically and contractually agreed upon choosing each other for life. So now all my decisions are based on what is best for me and us. With a boyfriend who I am confused about whether or not he wants to marry me....sorry, no can do. He doesn't get the same privilege. You should address the state of the relationship with your boyfriend and where things are headed and you should control your own life and have your own dreams and goals and accomplish them. A relationship should ADD to your life....you shouldn't sit around living with a man, waiting for him to marry you while you allow your dreams to pass you by. I personally refuse to do that and if a man wants me, he has to be on my path and supporting what I'm already doing, and he also has to make that leap and decide to marry me if he really wants me in his life forever and if he wants to get a serious say in what I do. But otherwise I can't give him the benefits of a wife or make life altering decisions based on someone, who for all realistic purposes is not obligated to me. Edited April 6, 2012 by MissBee
Lauriebell82 Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Have you discussed your goal of working/living in Japan with him? Also, how would engagement/marriage factor in to that? Would you ask him to move with you if he proposed? Would you give up the goal completely because he is willing to commit?
mostlyclueless Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 If you can't follow your goals AND be married to him, don't get married to him. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Yeah, if you both can't be happy..ie if he can't go to Japan, and you can't be happy not going to Japan...then split. You can find someone else. If there's not kids, no vows, there's nothing stopping you from splitting except for some grieving you will have to go through. If you do get married and fail to deal with these problems (which sounds likely) then you will have even more grief to deal with. A failed marriage is a horrible thing to have to deal with..especially after you have kids and a massive history with that person. Or after one person is dependent on the other because one was taking care of family and the other work. I say find someone in Japan if you want to live there for an indefinite amount of time. If Japan doesn't work out, maybe you can come back and get back together with this guy...assuming he hasn't moved on.
zengirl Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 I would never stay with a man who was not proposing or offering me any form of lifetime commitment if I had goals that I was no going after. I say go to Japan. You're no getting any younger. But, hell, I was proposed to and I still went to Japan, so I may not be the most objective person on this subject. I just think when you have big dreams like that, they deserve to be followed and you won't be truly fulfilled until they are.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 If he is between the ages of 24 and 28, hes not going to propose. So go to Japan.
Author sakura23 Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Thank you very much for all of your input, I like seeing various people's ideas. It is a lot to think about. If I were to move to Japan, it wouldn't be for at least another year or so. He knows I love it there because I always talk about it and I can tell it upsets him a little because he might be worried that I am going to leave him someday for Japan. I don't think that him coming with me is completely out of the question because he likes it there too, he just doesn't think he has many job opportunities there. I am not very good at expressing my feelings and the thought of having a serious talk with him about it makes me really nervous, and I feel like I'd start crying. Actually, when I think about myself living in Japan, I don't imagine him there with me--is that bad? Yet, when I am here in the States, I can't imagine him not being there. It's like I want two completely different things and I can't make up my mind and its hurting me all at the same time.
Leigh 87 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 You have another year before you go; so, spend another year together, and go, regardless of wheather he has proposed OR at least comitted to coming with you. Either way, I feel that MOST men, if they have not proposed by about 4 - 5 years, will never do so... Although of course, there ARE exceptions!!! Definately go, if he truly loved you he would want wat is bst for you as a person; the best thing for EVERY person, in most cases, is to follow their career goals. Unless you have family members who need you around to look after them, the best thing for YOU, is to pursue your career and life goals, by going to Japan.
musemaj11 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Marriage is stupid. Great career opportunity is harder to find than love. 3
TaraMaiden Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 at the risk of sounding cynical, I agree with that. ^^^^ Hindsight being 20/20 vision, I wish I'd realised this much earlier on...
musemaj11 Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Maybe if you are already an established professional with great reputation on your track record, career opportunity comes to you without you asking for it. But for young people looking for that opportunity to kick in their career, choosing something highly uncertain such as love over possibility of long term financial security is a foolish move.
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Marriage is stupid. Great career opportunity is harder to find than love. Lol, probably true
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 AT 24 you are still very young. It's way more important to pursue your career and education goals. Since for you going to Japan does not mean that you want to stop the relationship but only will mean that you won't be living at the same place for a while. It will give you both the chance to evaluate your relationship and change its dynamics. Maybe he will move forward faster with his education and find a serious job. Your relationship will either become stronger or it will break, but in the latter case it would have stoppped anyway.
Author sakura23 Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 So the consensus is that I should go to Japan to fulfill my career goals rather than stick with my boyfriend. To throw in a new angle (which I am not sure if anyone is even going to read this far into the thread), we both came up with an idea a while ago that we could both go to Hawaii to live and work because there, both of our skills could be utilized. Do you think I should wait a year and half or so and give this a try? It is not ultimately what I want, but at least I'd still be able to be with my boyfriend, hopefully by then, fiance. And after all it is halfway to Japan. If I still want to go to Japan after that, then I would. Thank you.
PeineDeCoeur Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Don't settle or "fall into" a marriage, because you're living together now and marriage is the next step. Make your own decisions about your life and where you want it to go. If you stay and end up married, I don't doubt you will be happy.. for a time. But you may regret, years later, than you did not put your personal goals first.
zengirl Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Do you really think Hawaii will even happen? A year and a half sounds like a long time to wait to me. It's all up to what you choose, of course. No one here has the "right" answer. I know I waited around for a man I never wound up marrying before traveling the way I wanted. He claimed he wanted to travel too -- maybe not everywhere I wanted, but some, and that we'd live overseas "someday." Dates were even named sometimes. Eventually, he bought a house ("for us") and admitted to me that he never wanted to leave the area. I was still very young, so it worked out fine, but I'd caution anyone at waiting around too long for anything to happen.
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