Never a part of his plans.

[Nancy B]

Do you ever feel like your not really a part of your partners plans.

 

We're young so, I can be more comfortable with the future being unknown.

 

But I find when the weekend comes he always seems to have it full of plans.

 

I was delighted my bf didnt have to go out of town this saturday and he tells me today hes off to the movies with two mutual male friends. I said 'what about me?' He said 'what about you?'

[Oxy Moronovich]

Yeah, what about you? Maybe he's been spending too much time with you and not enough with his male buddies.

[darkmoon]

i had one like this, i'd take him as you find him and get other dates elsewhere not to annoy him, but because he's him doing this

[Nancy B]

I completley understand that guys need male buddy time or whatever. I wouldnt want to get in the way of that. I have alone time with my friends too.

 

If he was spending too much time with me then why would I be posting here concerned about the issue at hand. Not very helpful.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Perhaps you don't think he's spending too much time with you, but he sees it differently. There are plenty of women like that. They need you to call/spend time with them every day. When you want to spend time with the guys they throw a fit.

[Nancy B]

I have never thrown a fit. Nor do I need to be called/texted 24/7.

 

But thanks for lumping me in with all women.

 

I started this thread to look for similar scenarios or advice etc. Not to be stereotyped.

[TaraMaiden]

No, his reply is just rude.

 

in a relationship, it's not the done thing....

 

how about you also make plans and let him know last minute...? see how he appreciates it.

 

either guys here believe being exclusive with women means that it's ok to treat her rudely - or manners are sadly lacking everywhere....

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're just being too passive and easy...you're letting him get away with putting you on the backburner and he's reached that point in the relationship where now he feels like hanging out with you is a second option...

 

He's also young so spending time with women is not as fun as hanging out with the guys...being with you is just time/energy consuming and as much as you like it he's probably rather bored and unexcited with the typical and mundane...only when it comes to sex or personal affection does he make you a priority more than likely.

 

You need to tell him how you feel and what your needs are instead of sending off little hints and queues he'll never pick up...you need to "communicate" more, or you'll be like every other passive woman that's too afraid to speak her mind because she's worried that guy will just drop her like a rock or It will just make it worse...which begs the question of why you're in that relationship in the first place then IF you feel the other person doesn't truly care about....that's your own insecurity if so, and If that's the case then you have yourself to kind of blame because you enable this behavior by your lack of doing something about it and feeling entitled to more.

 

If you try to change up the game now, then he's probably going to think you're just being jealous and possessive...you should try to plan things to do together that both of you find fun and enjoyable...but keep in mind that he just might not be relationship minded at this point so don't expect your whole world to revolve around him...and chances are you won't be together in the future so try not to invest so much into him, make sure you're doing things with your life and improving it and doing the things you want to do and accomplish or you'll just be left with open and empty hands at the end of all of this.

[Nancy B]

Thanks for the responses.

 

Ninja, your response in particular has been really thought provoking, thank you.

[make me believe]

Seriously, Ninja knows what he's talking about!

 

You assumed that because he had the weekend off you guys would spend time together. Not an unreasonable assumption since he's your bf, but as you know now, he didn't make the same assumption. Why didn't you ask him what his plans were for the weekend, or try to make plans yourself? Be upfront about what you want! You are definitely being too passive here. And his response "what about you?" was rude and VERY telling, imo. This guy has NO interest in making you a priority in his life. How old are you two? I'd guess you're really young, and he is more interested in hanging out with the boys than you. Sorry.. that's how young guys are a lot of the time, in my experience. You shouldn't let him string you along and be there for him whenever he decides he wants some sex and is willing to throw you a little attention..

[SadGrl]

Jerks get all the girls, this guy is clearly a bad boy jerk and she can't say no....nice guys get the short end of the vagina....

[Oxy Moronovich]

This guy has NO interest in making you a priority in his life.

This is the reason why folks should take the advice her with caution. I don't know how you and ninja can come to your wild conclusions. The OP has said extremely little about her bf, herself, and her relationship in general. Yet somehow you've come to the definite and extremely bias conclusion that he "has NO interest in making you a priority in his life." Wow.

 

It's a small incident. Him and his friends are merely going out to the movies. That's all. He could be planning on going to a noon movie for two hours, spend another two hours hanging around with his friends, and for the rest of the evening with his gf. Since she's the passive-aggressive type, she doesn't know this.

 

When he said "What about you?" it could have been in innocence. Maybe he and his buddies wanna see a guy movie. If he brought his gf along she'd wanna see a chick flick. How does she know he bf's friends aren't taking time off from their lives to hang with him? Perhaps the mutual friends spent time off from their gfs and work to spend time with her busy bf. We don't know much about the situation.

 

I dunno how you people can come up with these definite conclusions when we only have the tiniest bit of info about the situation.

[Nancy B]

We're both 25.

 

Things have been this way for some while now. Together a little over a year.

 

Oxy, you have done exactly what you are accusing others of doing. From my initial post you immediately assumed I was an unreasonable, clingy girlfriend.

 

If you had nothing useful to say, or don't even have the good manners to put your opinion in a more appropriate way you shouldnt even comment.

[veggirl]

Well, Oxy, she did say "never part of his plans" which would imply it is NOT just this incident, and I agree with MMB and Ninja.

 

Nancy, do you try to set plans with him for weekends earlier in the week, or do you just wait and see what happens? What happens when you try to make plans with him? How often do you see one another? I would have assumed you were college aged, like around 20 from what you're describing of his behavior, I am surprised that he is 25 tbh.

[Nancy B]

Well, we live together. We have busy schedules during the week so don't usually see each other til nighttime. We don't do much during the week.

 

Sometimes we make a plan. But fairly often on the night he'll get an sms about some other plan and I can see that all of a sudden that is where he wants to be. He'll try and convince me to forget our plan and go where the group is instead. Usually I don't mind because it's nice to spend time together as a couple with our friends too.

 

A couple of months ago he left here at 8pm on a wednesday night. He said he'd be away two hours. He came home at 4.30am and made no effort to contact me during his absense. I was worried sick. He told me he didnt want to have to answer to anyone. I believed one simple text to let me know he wouldnt be back isnt much to ask for. We argued and he nearly ended it but went back on it the next day.

 

I don't want to make him feel suffocated so I avoid any arguments in relation to it. He is a great guy and I love him a lot. It's just starting too feel like it may not be mutual anymore.

[TaraMaiden]

I don't want to make him feel suffocated so I avoid any arguments in relation to it. He is a great guy and I love him a lot. It's just starting too feel like it may not be mutual anymore.

 

so he's somewhat intimidated you by threatening to leave if you don't let him be free to do what he wants when he wants to, and not be accountable at all...

that smacks of passive/aggressive...

 

He's taking advantage of the fact his treat obviously worried you...When he 'went back on it the next day' were you trying to persuade him otherwise and apologising to him....?

 

See, because while I think he decided to not leave you, because actually he was just mouthing off - the fact that you were pleading with him to not go, validated his own importance, and by agreeing to not go, he realised what pushes your buttons....

 

Now, that's just a completely hypothetical opinion, and not based on anything, because you haven't actually answered the question yet....

[LuckyLady13]

Nancy, you're young. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I think this guy isn't relationship minded and not only that, your relationship sounds one-sided. It's way better to be with a guy who is as into you as you are him. A lot more fun. I think you're short changing yourself with this guy and would be better off with somebody who not only isn't rude to you but wants you around on the weekends to have some fun with you.

[Nancy B]

The day after the fight we both apologised for it. He said he was willing to stay together, and said he hopes we work out. It would have been very clear I didnt want things to end.

 

I can see a lot of sense in your theory Tara. It has felt like I'm on egg shells at times.

 

In two months time we will have to sign a lease for another year at our apartment. We live far away from our families and friends. His rude attitude tonight has made me feel really anxious for this decision.

[TaraMaiden]

Really, with all this cumulative experience, think really carefully about re-signing...

I realise you may live far from your family - but there must be an avenue for you to be able to extricate yourself from a situation in which you already feel compromised and nervous...this isn't the way a stable, comfortable and happy relationship should make you feel....

 

I would advise anyone of this - always leave yourself with an escape route, or at the very least, a 'plan B'

you need to start looking at your options now, because if you believe this will get better, then either you need to confront him about his increasingly indifferent attitude, or you're living a dream that will be a rude awakening to reality, when the enormity of the situation hits you.

 

And remember, by the way, that indifference is the opposite to love - and that the person who cares the least, controls the most.

clichés, no doubt, but no less true for it....

 

so he seems to be quite comfortable with the assumption that he has you where he wants you, but what about you?

 

Yeah... what about you?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Nancy, you're young. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I think this guy isn't relationship minded and not only that, your relationship sounds one-sided. It's way better to be with a guy who is as into you as you are him. A lot more fun. I think you're short changing yourself with this guy and would be better off with somebody who not only isn't rude to you but wants you around on the weekends to have some fun with you.

 

The more you speak of it Nancy the more clear it becomes how one-sided, and one dimensional the relationship is becoming or is, and he doesn't seem to be interested in being accountable to you...he wants a relationship with the single guy rules.

 

Look, I understand him as a guy too, he doesn't realize what he's doing. He merely thinks that he's contributing his time with you and that's satisfactory and then he's separating his "other" life to do the things he wants to do, and when you go with you're just kind of there but not really the focus of his attention. But as time goes on you're going to feel more and more short-changed until you reach a place If you already haven't where there is a disconnect and you feel like you're living almost two separate lives with the exception of the times you spend together but It's not really consistent.

 

What you need to be careful of is losing who you are and what you want out of this. You're going to get disappointed, then you'll tell yourself maybe you're overreacting and then you'll compromise, and you'll rinse repeat this process slowly changing what you even want and need out of this relationship, you'll feel this void but ultimately you're too scared to turn up the heat because you don't want to lose him. That's a ****ty way to live though, that's a far cry from what i would consider romance imo. I know that's not the nicest thing to hear or face but there are some relationships that run their course and because of his lack of maturity and desire to really be in a relationship (which I don't think he can really change) I think It's just going to unfortunately get worse.

 

I don't think he's a bad guy and I realize that you love him, but he's not ready yet or doesn't seem aware of what it takes to make you happy. What about you? what about the things you want and need? Do you just keep pushing him forever and crossing your fingers?

 

You said he nearly ended it? did he? and why did he change his mind? Do you know how he feels or what he needs and what makes him happy or have you just imposed what you wanted out of this relationship?

 

It's got to work both ways, one person can't make a relationship work. Both people need to work at it, you need to have a serious conversation about your needs and wants, and you need to ask him his too because it's all too common for women to go down with the ship because they love him.

 

For women when they develop those kinds of emotions it's simple, they're willing to work at it and try and fight through just about anything even If the relationship is horribly one-sided and unsatisfactory. They always want to see the good, and stay focused on the positive and push out the negatives in the back of their minds hoping they'll go away. Even though often times If you take a step back and look at the relationship, what are you even fighting for? But because of your emotions, you'll be blinded to that.

 

For men it doesn't work this way, they come to a determination at some point of where they are willing to invest, where they have emotionally extended themselves. Often times men are ready to call it quits but a woman will guilt trip him or carry on the extra weight just to try and make it work and make him happy...so he stays...for a while. Until eventually he can't take it anymore and he's forced himself to endure far too long and he's had enough and ready to move on with his life...he loves you, but not to the extent he needs to, to want it.

 

I'm just trying to give you a lot of realistic facts that people go through and deal with, I can't tell you how many women I've known or seen that wasted so many years with a guy because they in their eyes thought he was so great and after it's over...they're just left standing there like what the hell happened, then it takes them years to get over that because the longer you stay in it the harder it gets and the bigger the tab is to pay on your heart with all those emotions.

 

So in the event that your relationship has come to that point or gets to that point in the future, I just want you to be aware what you're sacrificing....emotionally, time that can never be replaced, your youth, a lot of things that you can't replace. So be careful what you put yourself through in life and love, everything has a price and cost...so look at the big picture and try to determine even though you're in the situation now...If it's a price worth paying...the years go by fast, but the memories stick and affect you for a long time.

[TaraMaiden]

That's a great post.....

[Nancy B]

Thank you so much for the thoughtful responses, again, they are very thought provoking.

 

When he tried to end it(he was drunk), I nearly fell apart. The following weeks on egg shells were really hard.

 

Recentley, we've both said how much fun we've been having. I thought things were improving.

 

I believed giving him more space would make him happy.And it has worked wonders, for both of us. Seeing how we nearly fell apart, and having another chance to work at it, helped me to see the situation more clearly and to mentally prepare for the worst.

 

I try to communicate with him a lot. I really do. But he won't talk anout it ever. It bothers him to get into it. I asked him if he is sure he wants to stay together before we sign a lease. He says 'Yeah...' He wont elaborate or acknowledge the previous problems. He just busies himself with something and changes the subject. I cant singlehandedly have an important conversation about our future you know. And it hurts a lot to be shot down when I bring up something that weighs heavy on my mind.

 

I think we're both pretty low maintenance. I do my best to make him happy. I don't believe he is a bad guy or trying to be. He can be sweet and kind too. And more than anything we laugh a lot with each other. I guess a big part of me is insecure, unable to communicate this to him and therefore trapped feeling this way. In a way, maybe my mind tricks me into believing it is all a problem with me. He has said we'll see how it goes. And I guess I'm hoping it goes well. I should be happy he wants to sign a lease with me. I thought that's all I wanted. But it's really not that simple.

[soserious1]

I completley understand that guys need male buddy time or whatever. I wouldnt want to get in the way of that. I have alone time with my friends too.

 

If he was spending too much time with me then why would I be posting here concerned about the issue at hand. Not very helpful.

 

If he wanted to spend time with you this weekend he would have asked you, he didn't, now it's your job to amuse yourself.

[shayla]

What about you?

How about you choose to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't put you dead last in his list of priorities?

 

To me it seems that he feels that he can treat you any way he wants, and you are over a barrel because of your living situation. i would not sentence myself to another year of that lease and living your life trying to avoid cracking eggs.