Need for Space

[Mrs Fox]

Hi,

My husband and I have been married for about 9 months now. Ours was an arranged marriage (as is common is our culture) and hence there were no real feelings of affection when I got into the marriage. However, it was my hope that I could grow to love this man. He is extremely affectionate, caring and considerate. However, I sometimes feel stifled. Before marriage I was used to being independent. Meeting people I wanted, when I wanted... going out shopping by myself when I felt like it... curling up with a book or watching something I like as and when I felt like it. I was basically very happy just being by myself. My husband however is someone who feels the need to do everything together. Even if he enjoyed doing things by him self before we got together, he feels it's only right to now sacrifice those things for spending more quality time together. And he's able to do this more than willingly. atleast it seems that way.

Given the background of how our marriage happened, we surely need to find things in common to do that both enjoy, find things we can connect on etc. While I have been trying to do this. I just really feel smothered by his constant presence. He doesn't feel the need for space himself. He's happy doing everything possible "together as a couple" . And I can tell he gets hurt when I express my need to do things alone.

This has been a cause of great strain in the marriage. I now feel guilty if I read a book or want to meet a friend alone. Hence I end up trying to avoid doing so and instead just staying at home with him. And it's not like we do anything fun so I start feeling frustrated for having to compromise this way and he's not even aware that I'm feeling this way. This has led to me just becoming annoyed and withdrawn from him. And he feels more hurt and insecure and hence gets more needy. And then it's a whole new cycle of me wanting to run away from such behavior.

He feels bad that I don't really need him and am happy being left alone. Hence any conversation abt wanting space will only reinforce this belief. I do know however that the only solution is that I communicate this with him. I'm looking for tips on how to do this without hurting his feelings.

[darkmoon]

"darling, this marriage is the most wonderful thing, but i just need a little me-time, i made you a special dinner see how i love you, just a little me-time, i'll make it up to you later, i love you in so many ways, you know that..."