dasein Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Sounds great, OP. People who are always rushing into the next relationship and relationship hopping could learn lots from your post.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted April 6, 2012 Author Posted April 6, 2012 Ok so getting past the negative comments... Pratyeka: The way you put it very eloquently describes exactly what I was meaning to say. I do in fact notice a difference in my overall approach toward people and life when I'm in a state of being closed off from dating, rather than not dating, yet still being open to it. However, it is fair to say that I do not know if my feelings on the situation would shift for the worse over time. Meaning: I suppose it is possible that one day I'll wake up and my decision to be single will cause me some negative feelings, and I'll suddenly want to turn things toward dating again. As of now I am almost 23 years old, so not in my mid-20's yet. I do wonder if the desire to date in some people is due to wanting companionship rather than the romance. As we age, our number of friendships dwindles gradually, and everyone around you seems to be marrying off, so I can see how some people can feel lonely as they get older. I plan to try to counter that by being a part of different things in my life. I don't want to date out of a need for companionship... I only want to consider that in the future if it's the kind of person that I can't help but fall in love with, because they're just that special in my eyes. Not sure if that exists, and I guess for now, I don't much care. 1
Anela Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 It's just, any time I do the math in my head, it doesn't work. Let's say I take a year off, and then IMMEDIATELY find a guy when I turn 28. (Not likely, given my fun track record.) We'd need to date a year or two to feel comfortable that we should marry each other. So, we get engaged at 30. A year to marriage is pretty reasonable... I'm now 31. You want a few years without kids... if I get pregnant as soon as we start trying, then I'm getting up into the mid-30's. But my fertility takes a sharp, steep drop after 35, so I could only manage 2 kids before I hit "dry" by 40. (I'd like 3 kids, ideally.) Putting off dating any longer just starts pushing me into "impossible" territory with kids. And then on top of that, there are all these threads and real-life guys saying things like "Women over 30 are worthless." Heck, even online, all the guys in my age range are looking for much younger. It just sort of feels like I better get my relationship act together now, or be alone forever. I understand. If I'd known that I would be considered "past it" by the age of 34/35 by men around my age, then I might have felt the same way. I'm glad I didn't know that at the time, because I felt great and optimistic. I should have been out there more, just meeting people in day-to-day life, but I wasn't, and I've been kicking myself over that.
RedRobin Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 I understand. If I'd known that I would be considered "past it" by the age of 34/35 by men around my age, then I might have felt the same way. I'm glad I didn't know that at the time, because I felt great and optimistic. I should have been out there more, just meeting people in day-to-day life, but I wasn't, and I've been kicking myself over that. You can't internalize the messages that men with this attitude hold. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own fears about getting older. If these same men can somehow convince themselves they are all that and a bag of chips at whatever age THEY are, so can we 1
Anela Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 You can't internalize the messages that men with this attitude hold. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own fears about getting older. If these same men can somehow convince themselves they are all that and a bag of chips at whatever age THEY are, so can we That's what I'm working on now. I rebel against anyone telling me otherwise, but it can be hard not to take it personally when there seems to be so much of that thinking about.
PratyekaYana Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Ok so getting past the negative comments... Pratyeka: The way you put it very eloquently describes exactly what I was meaning to say. I do in fact notice a difference in my overall approach toward people and life when I'm in a state of being closed off from dating, rather than not dating, yet still being open to it. It's a distinctly liberating feeling. By intentionally extracting myself from the dating market, I find that I am able to interact with other people very freely and casually. The everyday social anxieties from which, I would wager, we all suffer disappear almost entirely, and I suspect that is because I am no longer seeking external validation in that way. Who would have guessed (aside from everyone on the planet) that sexual approval is such a source of distress? However, it is fair to say that I do not know if my feelings on the situation would shift for the worse over time. Meaning: I suppose it is possible that one day I'll wake up and my decision to be single will cause me some negative feelings, and I'll suddenly want to turn things toward dating again. That's a possibility, but I think the voluntary withdrawal from the dating scene that you're experiencing now is going to make all of your subsequent forays into that market richer. You'll come away from this with a knowledge of self that will hopefully allow you to one day seek a companion as a complement to your life rather than a missing piece. As of now I am almost 23 years old, so not in my mid-20's yet. I do wonder if the desire to date in some people is due to wanting companionship rather than the romance. As we age, our number of friendships dwindles gradually, and everyone around you seems to be marrying off, so I can see how some people can feel lonely as they get older. I plan to try to counter that by being a part of different things in my life. I don't want to date out of a need for companionship... I only want to consider that in the future if it's the kind of person that I can't help but fall in love with, because they're just that special in my eyes. Not sure if that exists, and I guess for now, I don't much care. There's nothing innately wrong with the desire for companionship. You're human, and the instinct to connect with others of your kind is a perfectly natural and healthy one. Issues arise, particularly in my past experience, when we begin to attach too much meaning to companionship. I have friends that are desperately looking for marriage now because, as you noticed via your own observations, so many in our social circle have partnered off and begun their journeys as spouses. Seeing this, my single friends succumb to the persistent belief that to be unattached, without a companion, is to display deficiency of a kind, and their insecurities push them to make decisions that may or may not lie in their heart of hearts. That's a dangerous road.
grkBoy Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Okay question for you girls who have given up on dating: how old are you? I was 33. Stayed single and didn't bother with it all until I was introduced to my fiance two years later. The one problem is if you're of the mind that marriage and biological children are a must, then you can't afford to wait. It's unfortunate, but when the biological clock is ticking and you want kids in your life, it's very hard to just "put it on hold" and hope guys will not pass you up later in life for younger women. When I walked away from dating, I also walked away from the ideal of marriage and family. Even now that I'm getting married, my fiance and I are both on the fence about kids...mainly because of our ages (39 and 37 in August), but also because of how much more now it's a massive financial burden to have a family in this messed up economy. If you want the husband and kids badly enough, then unfortunately you can't be a chooser. You need to then find a guy who you can click with and would go the long haul with you. It's unfortunate, but in your situation you can't afford to hold out for the absolute perfect man. In many ways, it's how things were in the past. Men and women simply picked people out of convenience and some compatibility. They didn't hold out for the drop dead gorgeous person they just wanted to tear their clothes off every night and hearts all aflutter all the time. I know now many say thinking like this is a recipe for disaster and divorce, but your situation either means: a) You can't be too picky, and instead look for the best of the bunch of guys who do want to be with you and he shares your goals and dreams. b) You have to abandon the notion of your own kids or risk kids at an older age, thus taking the time to find the right one. c) Go outside your available pool and meet guys long distance, move to someplace new, or be ready to move someplace else for the right man if you meet such a long distant dream man. I don't know what else to tell you. Like I said, when I dropped out I was perfectly ready to spend my life alone. I planned out and set goals and ambitions for my life alone. Meeting my fiance was a total accident and thus I just went with it. Even now if she were to flake out and dump me, I'd just go right back to the original plan. Sorry there's no happier ending here. I know if I were in your shoes and love/marriage/family meant that much to me, then I'd be going all out to find the right person...even if it meant long distance. I was ready to do that years before I dropped out. 1
RedRobin Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 I think you'll also find that even when you think everything is in place and you have everything figured out... life throws you a wrench and you just have to deal with it. Could be job loss, disease, family issues... not to be a bummer... but we are all compelled to make the most of every day and make the most of what we were born with. Be grateful for the little things... because some day those things aren't so 'little' and you'll be scratching your head or kicking yourself because you didn't recognize it or appreciate it at the time. Things like good health and good friends. If someone happens to come into your life you can love, even better.
El Brujo Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 life throws you a wrench and you just have to deal with it. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... but when life gives you acorns, what the hell are you supposed to do with them??? In a way, I'm kind of sorry I took over those meetup groups and joined 2 others... at this time in my life, I've re-focused on becoming awesome (or if you prefer, becoming a selfish SOB). I've all but completely lost interest in dating. I'm still cleaning the place up and getting my s*** together. Forget about looking for a new job, my next job is going to be working for MYSELF. I'm not ashamed to admit I've had exactly THREE gfs in my entire life, and I dumped them all because I didn't have the hots for any of them, and I dumped one of them because she wanted me for sex (sorry, but I'll leave the sex thing to you breeders). I never looked back once. Now I'm trying to plug my book to a bunch of indie bookstores around the country so they might buy some off me in time for people to get them as Mothers' Day gifts... I need to get back in touch with my author and musician friends because I didn't realize until I went to night school a month ago that what I'm doing is not starting a run-of-the-mill publishing company... I've been applying the multi-level marketing business model to publishing so authors and musicians can get together and make money selling their own stuff. United we stand... So, if I end up doing things like organizing trade shows and mentoring new authors (i.e., being awesome), and some woman happens to think I'm sexy enough to approach me, yeah... I'll think about it. At the moment I'm trying to sell a few things from the family estate to pay Uncle Sam a little $$ I owe, but I look at it as just a little medicine I have to swallow before I can enjoy the candy.
Negative Nancy Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Also...don't worry about age. I don't think it counts for half as much as we think it does. We live in a very ageist society, but other factors negate age. In fact, half the time I get peoples ages wrong anyway. Did you not read her post - if she wants kids before turning 40, she can't just "go with the flow" and "not worry about age".
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Did you not read her post - if she wants kids before turning 40, she can't just "go with the flow" and "not worry about age". Well worrying isn't going to get you a man any faster. Unless you do what my cousin did and run off with a Greek man you've known for a month and get knocked up out of desperation.
RedRobin Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Well worrying isn't going to get you a man any faster. Unless you do what my cousin did and run off with a Greek man you've known for a month and get knocked up out of desperation. Or like my mom did... she ran off with a guy she knew for less than 6 months and got knocked up out of 'desperation'. They are still married 48 years later. Happily too. There is no statistical correlation between the amount of time you know someone before marriage and the success of the marriage. It is what people do AFTER marriage that counts... 1
WildHorses Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 I think that is such a wonderful thing to do, take time off from dating and focus on yourself. I happen to be doing the same thing. After the past relationship I was in, which I should have not been in, I have desperately needed time to just do me. This has been such a wonderful thing for me. I'm focusing on myself. I don't have to deal with another person in my life right now. I have never been one to search out a relationship, they just happened. I never will search out a relationship, that is not the type of person that I am. I assume I will date again, should I meet an amazing person. But for now, I feel like doing me, focusing on things I want to get taken care of for myself, along with enjoying the single life. Dating has burned me out!!!
GivenUp0083 Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Since the girl whom I fell in love with and thought I was going to marry broke my heart (it's been 11 months ago since the breakup) here is all the things I have accomplished: - Lost 40 lbs - Added at least 20 lbs of muscle - Joined a baseball team - 6 months deep into guitar lessons and can play dozens of songs - worked hard to find a new job and just landed one that is going to change my life and double my income - I've read 30 books in the last year (never read books at all before that) and I've learned things about politics, philosophy, economics, and even on book 3 of the Song of Ice and Fire series. - learned to start cooking my own meals and been much healthier since - I make sure my living space (apt) is clean and presentable - I bought a new car (I didn't own a car for 6 years prior) - Most importantly, I'm so much happier and only worry about myself and those who matter to me in my life. I'm sure finding the right person and getting married is wonderful and all, but I can say at 29 years old I've spend years giving it a really good try. I put forth my share of effort, and I'm spent. No need to online date, ask out random girls, or nag my friends to set me up. And I'm so much happier without it. It's amazing what you can do when you throw dating out the window and stop trying to focus on ways to make someone else happy.
Almond_Joy Posted April 9, 2012 Posted April 9, 2012 Since breaking up with a guy who thought he wanted to marry me (after we'd dated for about two weeks) in March I had decided to close myself off from dating. Never before have I made a conscious decision to stay away from it.. I've always at least been open to it whenever I've been single. But these days, my days are completely about me and my goals. I'm currently getting into the best shape of my life (abs are actually starting to show, lower body fat %, regular working out @ home and gym), plus I've been making great strides in learning the piano, I moved across town, and I landed a new job, all within the past few weeks. When I'm at the gym I may notice a cute guy or something and I'll still flirt, but I can't imagine making all the strides that I'm starting to if a boyfriend was in the mix. Who knows, maybe I just haven't learned the art of balance yet. But it does seem that at this time in my life, it would only be a negative thing for me to pursue a relationship. It's also not very encouraging to hear about all the excitement and love that was present in my mother and father's relationship at one time, but it ended in a bitter divorce after 18 or so years... They don't speak a word to each other anymore. And there's my grandma who's been married for over 60. I found out that she often goes to the office where her company is (even though she's basically retired) just to get away from my grandpa for a bit (lol, I think she still loves him, but the guy does talk a lot, maybe it drives her nuts sometimes.. but to be fair, she probably wouldn't change anything). Maybe some people just get lucky with relationships. Maybe a rare few survive and even go the distance (and do so HAPPILY). But to me, it's like a game of russian roulette. You might win, but there's still a pretty high chance you might lose. I'm afraid to lose. Nice update Don'tWorry, glad to hear things are improving for you .
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